I'm sitting here in a club that's very
Well it's dark,
But it's not a place for women.
And who knows,
I think it might be the thirties.

I'm surrounded by men,
All in impeccably fine suites,
I'm drinking countless martinis,
I never have to light my own cigarette,
I know this is what I do every single night.
Everyone fawns over me.

I know that I'm very powerful.
I have the power of a man.
So I act like a man.
Not *****,
Just unashamed.


Maybe I have a rich father?
That sounds right for the time.
I can tell that I am very powerful,
I already know that I am
"Breathtakingly gorgeous".

Everyone eats out of the palm of my hand,
I am fun.
I am free.
I am the untamable soul.

You know?
The one they right novels about.
The one that "got away",
Because she was a song bird,
And one that wouldn't fit in her cage.

And I am to be a married woman.
Someone will disburse my power.
I will become a miserable housewife.
I will have four children.
I will bake apple pies,
I will let my husband
Please himself using my body.
I will help with church bake sales.
I will drink.
I will drink.
I will drink.....

Darling, I'm drunk again.
No surprise here.
And I can read those words again.
I can't believe how much of myself
I told you about.
And how I probably know
A good amount of lies
About you too.

But that doesn't change anything.
The queen hibernates, darling.
But she does die.
I didn't go anywhere.

I have this dream that I'm a failed 1940's housewife.
And I can't get this image out of my mind.

I swear I left the iron on,
The sink is overflowing,
The roast it burning,
The twins are crying,
The washing machine is pouring out suds.
And my husband gets home....
It's a mess.

He tries to put me in my place,
Apparently I must be submissive.
He tries to **** me in the kitchen
To prove his possession of me.
I yell and scream and
When he doesn't stop....
The knives were just.....
Too close to my end of the counter.

My lawyer pleads insanity.
I just plead.

Growing up,
I had actually planned on being very rich when I grew up.
I did not know where this money would come from,
I just knew that I would have boatloads of it.
I would actually plan out,
How I was going to spend,
My ridiculous amount of cash.

One thing I wanted,
Was to give my children,
A separate $100 a week allowance,
That they had to use to help people.
I made a list of 5 suggestions.
And I just found it at my parent's house,
Last week.

1. Go to a sandwich place and buy twenty sandwiches and hand them out to people on the street.

2. Go to a blanket place (in the winter) and buy twenty blankets and hand them out to people on the street.

2. Save up for ten weeks at a time and then pick a different animal shelter each time, to give $1000 of dog food and dog things to them.

4. Buy a homeless person 20 nights at a hotel room.

5.  Keep the money, and you get grounded because you’re rich and other people are poor and you don’t need money.

Collin is still four.
If you haven  read any of our poems,
In my collection "Son",
You would know that Collin is my little ghost baby.

Collin is four,
And my absolute pride and joy.
Tiny ghost hands,
And a tiny heart beat.
I kind of like,
How he isn't going to grow any bigger.
We moved yet again, this September.
To another state completely.

Collin doesn't mind.
He quite likes Rhode Island.
He likes the train station
And the little ghost girl who lives there.
He now wants a sister,
Of course.

But she's only three,
And I didn't just find Collin,
He chose me.
I just wouldn't know how to go about it.
So we'll see.

I know that time is an illusion,
A man made concept,
And anything else
That terrified and pretentious philosophers
Say to make themselves feel better.

But there is no ******* reason,
That four days with you,
Feels like two hours.
And two hours away,
Feels like half a century.

No ******* reason.

I can't seem to stop asserting my dominance.
Some people don't mind, though.

Spike my drink with a little realism, love bug.

We are the victims and the perpetrators.
But those roles do not intersect.
We are children and we are parents.
And those roles do intersect.

What I'm trying to say.
Is that two plus two may equal four,
But without limitations x can be anything.
It can intersect as many or as few times as it wants.
It can be zero all of the time,
Or never.
Set some ******* limitations.

What I'm trying to say.
Is I don't want to **** it up.
Don't **** it up.

It's not reinventing yourself.
It's reinventing the wheel.

You're a subpar elitist at best.
More realistically,
You're way below par.

If this was golf.....

You two nauseate me,
And I hardly know you.

I had no idea,
That you wanted to be a disaster
Quite this badly.

I can taste the metal in my mouth.
Right on the back of my tongue.
Fall is giving me warning signs.
I know what fall does to me.
Reckless and self destructive.

Baby,
Baby,
Baby,
Baby,
Baby,

I get it.

It feels weird to morn a friendship,
That only meant a lot to me.

And I may be a drunk cynic,
But you..........

It's weird how you were so passive aggressive,
Without making a single apology.

That awkward moment
When your ****** gets a girl pregnant
And gets engaged.

And your just sitting drunk,
And ****** up,
On the floor of your old bedroom
In your parent’s house.
Listening to Avril Lavigne and Iron and Wine.

Just ****** up.

Tragedy is part of your character description,
And I can't lie, it's part of mine too.
And a lot of it we create for ourselves.
We don't take people's good advice.

Lord knows you never took any of mine.

Just **** everything.
I still don't know what happened.

It was false,
And you were false hope.

You were small bursts of attention,
With the nastiest of intentions.
You were late drunken nights,
With thoughts that sounded right.
Your words slid down my throat so smooth,
I didn't even realize it was poison.

Don't dangle the antidote darling,
I'm too proud.
I'd rather die than beg.
I'm not the weaker of the two of us.

A- She is just like me. A leader. A strong, independent, bisexual woman, she controls the alphabet from this end, and everyone respects her.

B-He's a nice guy, a bit pretentious, but nothing too special. The first time I saw Friends, I new that Ross was literally the letter B incarnated.

C- B's best friend, goes by male pronouns, but is gender fluid sometimes. He is much more genuine than B.

D- One of A's closest friend. She is cool, and kind of like a bad *** English teacher.

E- A ****. Your typical school bully. He's dating D.

F- E's wing-man, but like the stereotypical wing-man, he is kind hearted, but too much of a shy follower. And he likes D.

G- H's brother. Good student, slightly over weight, and just as homosexual as his sister.

H- The "mom" of the friend group. She is smart and supportive. My favorite lesbian of the alphabet.

I- A real cool dude. Spiky hair and sunglasses. He likes to lean against brick walls and just look cool. Very cool.

J- He is K's best friend.

K- She is J's best friend.

L- He hangs out with M, but not too much because he really isn't found of her littler sister N. He's too much of a wimp for my taste.

M- She is a really independent confident girl. She goes on double dates with O, P, and her sister N. She has a side thing going on with the letter A.

N- She lives in the shadow of her sister. She kind of reminds me of my own sister.

O- He is P's best friend, and always tells him what to do. He reminds me of E, but they've never met.

P- Let's O push him around. He hangs out with O, M, and N. But his true love is Q.

Q- She is quiet, but strong. She is madly in love with P. They sneak out together a lot. She has over protecting parents.

R- She is the leader of the Q-R-S friend group. A transgender and asexual bad ***. She supports Q and P, but not S and T

S- Tries to listen to her older friend R, but is just a good kid making bad decisions. She has a HUGE crush on both T and U.

T- Loves U. Strong male, plays football and works at a car wash.

U- She's a princess. Very quiet and polite. In a relationship with T, but I don't know her true intentions.

V- U's older sibling. A-gender and a CEO of some big business.

W- Same personality as H, but not as motherly, and bisexual.

X- The third wheel to the X-Y-Z clan. Also agender, and really just a fly on the wall. They sees a lot, but really don't like to socialize. But they really like going to the zoo.

Y-  Z's beta. Her best friend, and wife. They are ride and die ******* for life.

Z- Just like A. Exactly like A. Only she is in a committed relationship with Y. She controls the alphabet from this end, and everyone respects her.

I feel like every time I talk about him,
I use the wrong word.
When I say "******",
I feel like I'm giving him a paper bag,
Under which he can hide,
And distance himself from what he's done.
It feels like a type of absolution.

His name is Bryan.
He is a six foot and two inches tall monster,
That I wish lived only in my dreams.
He rides a motorcycle,
Has a dog named Gilbert,
And smokes unfiltered camels.

And I was wrong.
He is not a monster,
He is a person.
And he is not just a stupid boy,
He is a man.
And he is not just the generic term "******".

He is a human being who is seriously ****** up and I'm not going to give him the privilege of having his name withheld from my story.

I know that parties are over rated.
I guess my hopes for socializing
Are just too **** high.
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice.....

I think this will be my last visit out here,
For good.
I've outgrown all of you.

I hope every time that you think of me
It ***** you up so bad
That the only thing you can think to do
Is drink yourself to sleep that night.

My body's mechanism for keeping me warm isn't working.
I'm shivering.
But I am cold.
I am cold.
I am cold.
I am tired.
And I am working.
And I am tired of working.
And I am tired of being cold.

But I can't step out into the sun yet.
Stop ruining our chances of warmth,
You pushed both of us into our separate caves.
We didn't have to be isolated.
I can't help you.
I am cold.

I need a ******* ******* drink,
And a ******* ******* cigarette,
And a ******* ******* blanket.

She likes to look up at the sky,
And kiss the sun,
But she never remembers
What it feels like
To be burned.

Her skin turns to leather
From all of those beautiful kisses.
Thick leather that only serves,
To lock me out.

Running and riding and hiding
Her whole life.
When I finally gave her a place to call home,
She only left it.
Not because she was ungrateful,
But because she didn't understand the concept.

She is an angel under the attack of demons.
They want to win her over.
They want to conquer her.
They already stole her innocence and purity,
But it was okay,
Because they told her they loved her.

Things are really ****** up,
You know?
A giant blue ball,
Spinning through space.
It's so simple,
Yet humans **** it up?

I'm sitting and staring.
I'm not having the time of my life.
Empty bottles and cartons.

Cigarettes are the only thing strong enough
To rid me of the coffee breath.
And coffee is the only thing strong enough
To rid me of the cigarette breath.
And the alcohol doesn't
Even allow me to care.

Never mind honey,
I don't have time.

**** me.
Good god,
I need something.

I can't quite put my finger on it,
But maybe you can?
It's not pain
Or pleasure.
And it's stronger than satisfaction.

"No food will ever hurt you
More than your eating disorder will."

Some quotes just **** me up.
I prefer to be smarter,
Than all the situations I face.
Having to stop and think
Just isn't the right pace
For someone like me.

Go ahead,
I don't care.
Throw wrench in my plans.
Something large and rusty,
That will give me lots of trouble.
Just **** me up.

It's not my worst nightmare,
But it is high up on the list.
Maybe the fifth?

And it's running in circles,
And you're running around,
Shouting about how
We're both dying alone,
But together.
And how that's not the same
As dying alone,
Or dying together with someone.

I go inside,
But we're out of the good liquor,
And I'm not drinking the ******* Fireball.
Some Steve Carell movie is playing in the backround.
Tim and Sam are ******* on the couch,
As usual.

And I'm just alone.
You're all moving around me,
And you live your own miserable lives.
And I've outgrown you.

Rivers are meant to be peaceful,
But I promise,
I'm no Virginia Woolf.

I'd love to share a moment,
But sharing was never
One of my best skills
When I was a little girl.

I'll repeat your name over and over again,
After conquering at least a third
Of any large quantity of alcohol.

But you name is not a chaser,
And it burns worse than whatever I'm drinking.

I guess my intoxicated self and I,
Are just two different people.
And she just isn't over,
What you have done.

She gave you the exhilaration,
Of knowing you had complete control.
And you never paid her back.

I'm sorry I treated you like a project.
And I'm even more sorry,
That I didn't finish what I started.

I'm working on it.
Or I will at least.
I don't know.

That's what you want,
Right?

Oh my god,
**** THAT.

**** the apathy
And the mental breakdowns
And the fake it till you make it.

We're not fifteen anymore.
Getting drunk and falling asleep,
******* and watching the L Word.

You're not Shane,
And I'm not ******* Jenny.
She dies, you know.
And I like men and women,
So it doesn't even make sense.
I should have been Alice.

******* feel something with me.
God ******* **** it.
I'm not crying to iron & wine.
I don't want to feel this weak anymore.
*******.
We're adults.

Oh no honey,
You don't understand.
It doesn't matter to me,
How you play the game.

I'm not even playing,
With my own money.

Tragedy and loss are dull,
The pain that comes from them,
Isn't even that sharp.

You know what is sharp?
Witt and skill and success.
Particularly mine.
So watch out.

It's weird,
Ya know?
It's just really ******* peculiar.
Please don't even turn around.

Coping mechanisms are a real joke.
Yours make me laugh
Extra specially hard.

Breathing this air
Is like breathing in water.
It's so thick,
Yet I feel so light headed.
That last part was your fault.

You received a punch to the face,
And chalked it up
To your stubborn stupidity.
Now every dried up
Piece of advice
That you try to administer to me,
Through a ***** used needle
That you found on the street,
Tastes like copper.

I'm just hoping for the next gust of wind
To wash that taste right out
Of my mouth.

Fill my head with something more substantial.
You're not Superman,
You can't barely pull off Clark Kent.

Remember when you called
That old man's heart attack at the mall?
Back when we were just learning,
About our special skills?
I've got a lot better at sensing the physical pain,
But your still not as good with the emotional.

I'm not sure what time it is.
Especially not right now.
There is no "right now".

By the time we can calculate
The exact millisecond of right now,
It's already over.

Rain falling while
The sun is shining
Is strange.
And those optical illusion things,
Those are strange too.
And how if you drink lemonade
After eating pancakes,
It tastes very very sour,
That is extremely strange.

And I just can't
Figure any of it out.
But why
Oh why
Oh why
Oh why
Can't I not just try?

I wonder if
You've ever read any of my poems
And panicked.
Trying to figure out if it was about you.

It probably was.
This one is.

I used to be obsessed with
Those tiny, willowy, broken girls.
The ones with the sad eyes
And the drug habits.

But I look at your pictures
And I just get nauseous.

This doesn't suite you.
He doesn't suite you.
None of this suites you.

Remember when we needed each other?
Things were so ****** up,
But you looked so much healthier.

I'm so drunk
But I don't feel confused.
Love me.
I promise I want you.

I am beautiful,
And I am life consuming.

I am a wild night,
With tequila
And **** strangers
And uncomfortable
Heels and Lingerie.
Loud music,
Sweat and kisses and mystery.

I am a lazy morning.
Cartoons and pancakes,
Large cup of coffee
And the front page of a newspaper.

I am ***.
I am chocolate.
I am electricity.
I am a weak pulse,
And strong urges.

I am a princess.
I am unstoppable.

Don't get comfortable.
I'll make you squirm.

Please don't forget
That I am both ruthless,
And a princess.

Don't give me fake poetic words.
Just **** me,
Any way you can.
I need satisfaction.

I'm not going to compete.
With you
Or for you.

You're a fake
And a phony
And I wish I never laid eyes on you.
Glad I never laid you.

Personal Tragedy has also been
My greatest form of entertainment.

When I was younger
I used to take apart
My retractable pens,
Just so I could put them back together.

I am no different with myself.
But I might have lost the spring.

Major tortoise and the hare syndrom right now.
Cold shakes.
I'm sleeping on the opposite end of the bed
With the fan on high.

I don't know where I am.

I don't know anymore,
Even the biggest waves crash.

You're acidic
And you know it
And you're pretty cocky about it.
But really,
You're on the level of orange juice.

But I guess that can be dangerous.
I guess it causes more damage.
I mean,
How many times a day
Will I come into contact
With hydrochloric acid?

I feel trapped and,
It's not yearning anymore.
Because a little bit of yearning is at least healthy.
It's just the hours,
That we have to face.
Before and after.
The ones that require effort.

And the songs that just break your heart.
My god who knew that he first three chords,
Could bring you back two years.
And completely rip out your insides.
I'm trying to force myself not to press play.

But oh my god,
To feel something passionate once again,
Even if it's sadness.
I feel free for a second.
But then I have the hours after to face,
Trapped.

******* it.
I took you like an antidepressant.
And that wasn't fair,
And it didn't even work.
It wasn't good for anyone involved.
It's tricky trying to find the right balance.

I need to help myself,
And you'd be better off curing someone else.

I don't think I'll be filling my prescription this time.

I want a fight with closure.
I hate how I bring up something important
And you some how guide me into
Falling asleep and shaking it off.

I want to scream and cry and yell at each other.
I want to get all of it out before we have
This new little life to mess up together.
Because we've been together for four years.
And that's way to long to keep this ***** laundry.

I want to let it go.
But a bike rusts when you leave it out for too long.
We need a new coat of paint.

This is a nonstop situation.
And you are not ready for a nonstop, yet.
We don't have time for you to stop
And catch your breath.

I pray to god that I'll have you for another day.
But you're losing.
Oh ******* it,
You're losing.
Could you please make it more subtle?
I'm starting to panic.

I am still shocked how you can
Eat a giant spoonful of raw minced garlic.
Not only is it disgusting,
But doesn't it hurt your throat?
But I guess I do chug ***** straight from the bottle.

I asked you if it burned your throat,
And you asked me if it burned mine.
You said no,
That's why you do it.
I said yes,
That's why I do it.