everything makes me think of you
and i guess thats my fault
for holding on too long.

what we had was beautiful
beautiful and fleeting
and before you i didnt know
that one could love so madly
and i dont know if that makes me feel better or worse
now that you're gone

I haven't yet determined
                                   if optimism
                              Is a trait of the foolish
                          or a trait of the brave          Give me something real to hope for.
                         Show me that I'm wrong.
                  Prove to me there's fairytales
                       That have happy endings.

i'm feeling emotional
so i guess i'll let you know
that even though i'm pretending
to be strong
losing you is the hardest thing
i've ever had to do
and if i had one wish
i would make you appear in my bed
just to hold me
all night long

give me your secrets.
the ones behind the closed door,
with the rusted on lock,
because its been a long time since anyone has entered.
spread me open and lick my wounds
until i've muttered your name so many times i'll never be able to forget it.
show me something that will make me forget the hours i've spent crying.
and love me.
just love me.
as if i were a sailboat,
and you were the sea,
and all we needed was each other.

and you promised me a hug after every game
but you havent kept that
and i promised to come to every game
but so far they've all been hellish
so i wont keep that either

i burned myself not for pleasure.
i burned myself not for pain.
i burned myself so maybe you'd notice me and maybe you'd care enough to make me stop.

on days like today
i  can only pray
that my life will end
in a gruesome way.

what makes me saddest when i think of you, as i admit i sometimes do
is the future we planned, that will never come true

but i cant complain
i'm luckier than most
i didnt get the dreamhouse
but i **** sure did get close

Everyone complains about how long my showers take.
I wish they understood that they're my only time to break.
Out of my thoughts and out of my head.
Out of this place, constant swimming with dread.
wet
scrub
rinse
repeat
No need to think
So blissful and sweet.

"At least drug addicts can be sent to rehab and cured."
As if liking a girl is some kind of illness. As if having a gay sister is a fate worse than death. But she was right about one thing, although the mind can be messed with, the heart is not so easily persuaded..

I used to love a cheetah.
She was fast and wild and free,
and I believed her when she said
she'd always do the best by me.

But our relationship it ended,
and not how I thought it would;
     with mutual respect
     as a mutual decision
     we'd go our separate ways
     fine with the division.

Well I should have seen it coming,
it was right there in her name,
my cheetah cheated on me
and I admit, I went insane.

I was at the point of no return.
I didn't want to live.
I thought my life was over,
and I had nothing left to give.

But then one night I met a swan
he was filled with beauty and grace.
five months later he said I love you,
as he gently held my face.

He's musical and funny.
He never gives me any strife.
And the best thing about my new love
is that swans, they mate for life.

Love *****
   and hurts.
       And for those of us
         that give it freely,
            it hurts the most
               for us.
               But in the end
            we'll keep loving,
         so we can feel
      like we did everything
   we could
to be loved in return.

i cant decide if i'd rather **** myself
or her

I should have known that when I fell in love with someone that made every sunset more
beautiful, and every smile more heartfelt, and every bird chirp the sweetest melody,
I should have known when I fell in love with a girl like her,
that someone else would too.  
Someone else would feel the electricity when she enters a room,
and someone else would notice the baby hair
that flies around her head like a halo.
I should have known someone else would see the freckle in her eye
and the burn on her chest
and marvel at their beauty.  
I thought I was the only one she made beautiful sunsets for,
until I found out that I wasn't. 
And I realized my mistake.

if the moon fell down tonight,
i swear to you my dear,
i'd spend my last few minutes
dreaming you were here.
we'd lie in bed together,
your hand upon my cheek
as the world goes cold, oxygen fades
and our bodies; they grow weak.
we'd hold each other tightly,
drifting into space.
if the moon fell down tonight, i vow
to spend the last few minutes
staring at your face.

you're the only light,
and the only warmth,
i've ever needed anyway.
if the moon fell down tonight, my love
i pray you'd come, and that you'd stay.
but if the moon stayed tonight,
up there in that sky,
i'd do what i do everynight;
i'd lay in bed and cry.

i'm so tired of being harleekae
can i please be someone else
if only for a day
do different things/see new places
travel around/see some different faces
this world wasnt made for me
no not at all
it's built too precariously
set up for me to fall

can you not see that the sorrow weighs me down as if i'm chained and thrown into that lake you dared me to jump in that one time. and maybe that's symbolic because i've always said drowning is the way i want to go. but i feel like i've already died a thousand deaths seeing you look into the eyes of another with the adoration that once was mine. it was foolish of me to think that someone of such magnitude would be with someone as normal as me. i got a perm and my nails were always chewed to nothingness. everything about me was average but you made me feel like i was important. you made me feel magnificent. and maybe it was just that my world was brighter with you in it because now i know there's nothing special about me. the only thing i ever had going for me was that i was with you.

I want to cry, purge my body of the hurt - I feel the toxins in the air.
But I can't make a single tear come out, cause I know you just don't care.
And I wait for love all snuggled up in bed, while visions of demons dance in my head.
And they're asking me why I don't give up the fight,
   cause nobody loves me round here tonight.
And even though I know better, I'm thinking that they're right.
I don't want to sound emo, but I want to cut my wrists.
And not just for the fact; I haven't had my first kiss.
That sounds ridiculously stupid, trust me, I know.
But under this rough exterior that's how I want my life to go.
I guess I'm just a dreamer, wanting happily ever afters to come true.
And I really just want my own, so tell me what I have to do.
I want to meet the perfect guy
And have the perfect life.
Then ride off into the sunset like Cinderella, or Snow White.
So how does all this happiness fit in with a girl like me?
I don't know either, I guess we'll have to wait and see.

what ******  me off is that my sister says "i want you to marry him" everyday. okay, i understand he's a nice guy. but i don't love him.
the one time i was in love NO ONE gave a ****. and you want to know why? because i was in love with a girl.
no one said ya'll are so cute together. no one said i want ya'll to get married.
well let me tell you something; people that don't support same *** relationships. you are ignorant.
the love is there. the feelings are there!
why does it bother you.
also, gay DOES NOT equal stupid.
the words aren't synonymous.
"this homework is gay"
"that picture is gay"
"your haircut is gay"
no
no
and no
to the people that use the word gay as a descriptive noun, you are also ignorant.
okay, i'm good for now.

how many times did we come here
with the intention
of never leaving the car.
and now i'm here
staring out at the abondoned building
we called our home.
and i wish you were here
just to hold my hand.

nothing is wrong with dreaming.
i'm just not much of a dreamer.
you don't dream?
i don't see why i should set myself up for failure.
you think i'll fail you?
when has life ever been easy for us..
there's endless possibilities when you go and reach out*
one of us has to believe in the impossible.
the possible impossible

And just like that I'm reminded why you are the love of my life. The earth never stops spinning on its tilted axis.  I think the axis is tilted too much for me to keep my balance.  But you never let me fall.  Maybe I'm too cynical to believe in anything anymore, but somehow you've got me wanting to.

Maybe, if I stare at the sun long enough, I can be blinded to my feelings for you...

Drip, drip* goes the rain.
Tears are falling, taking pain.
And nothing ever makes sense, anymore.
I stay up crying in the middle of the night,
My eyes still open with the morning light.
And I still don't have a freaking clue
What I should do.
But I'm hoping someday to fall asleep,
And see this nightmare come to an end.
Everything will be back how it should be
And you'll always still be my best friend.

you know those scenes in the movies where everything kinda slows down and you don't hear voices but music, and it's probably acoustic, but also happy too and everything is gold because of the sun and the people's smiles and you stare at the screen and just feel that maybe life is gonna be okay ?
that's how I feel about you.
yeah life gets crazy sometimes and I get anxious and moody and frustrated, but then I look at you and life feels better, and everything sorta turns gold.

Beautifully running down your spine
Repunzal repunzal i call you mine
And i'm sure you're thinking it's just hair , and you think i'm silly too
I** don't care because for me it's what defines you
Don't cut it repunzal, don't cut your hair, i love it so much you wouldn't dare

don't tell me to breathe
when you don't understand
how labored every breath is.
you don't understand what it's like
to lose your best friend
your heart
your reason to live.
don't tell me to breathe
when you're the reason i can't.

Dead and trampled on the floor are the promises you gave me.
Just like the flowers in my car,
the ones you picked for me.
And everything there ever was between us is on trial.
I'm the jury, judgements out, you're the guilty party.
No punishment grand enough for the  crimes you have committed.
Death penalty for sure.
*Death penalty for sure.

your arms feel like home
and i've been homesick
for quite some time

Here I am;
stuffing my face in a Brookeshires parking lot like some ravenous animal, with a cupcake I bought myself.
Writing a half assed poem to pass the time while I wait for a response.
But, we've all been there.. Right?

Last night I had a memory, they come and go you know, of the boy on the fallen bicycle. We were in my car, feeding on each other's lips, when I happen to check my surroundings. I saw a boy beside the road, beside a fallen bike. Oh no! I exclaimed and you jumped out of my car immediately to rescue the poor lad. I yanked on my shirt and hurried after you with my pocket knife in hand. I was awkward, and you were perfect; helping him free from the entanglement with gentleness and grace.  You stood him back up, directed him home, and I fell even deeper in love.

i don't even like that word (or *******)
they're both nasty words.
but that isn't the point.
the point is intimacy is like climbing a staircase that only goes up.
i don't like that either.
today you kissed me for a minute.
so tomorrow it will be two.
today you took my shirt off,
so will it always come off now?
i'm rather fond of my shirt.