becoming an entire person
is an insurmountable task

tossing the barrier that i built
to the side
leaving me exposed
admitting fault
rekindling faded out relationships

revealing why you vanished
and how you reached that precipice
deciding to turn back
for one more go at life

living a godless live
is one without the fears
of regular enjoyments.

to live a godless life
is to see everything
for what it really is.

keeping people in my life is next to impossible.
they leave
they always do.

then i'm left
standing alone
feeling hollow.
with no options of escape
from this god awful life.

left with no one to turn to.
but self pity doesn't get you far.
so i soldier on
with a forever emptiness.

i'm ******
i can't tell people anything
i can't show
how melancholy i am.

asking for help in a floundering family
making things worse for those i love
in a family full of mental illness
letting them know that i've got it too
i can't do that to them.

i'm supposed to be the normal one
i can't say that i'm almost always thinking of death
so i contain it
and suffer in silence.

it seems like the easiest option
for everyone around me
i abandon my friends
so they won't know
and i only say the bare minimum
to those around me.

he doesn't know
that i've been suicidal
none of them do
i just keep quiet while life passes me by.

some days
i feel like i've got nowhere to go
some days
i think i have too many choices
none of which
i want.

most days
i'm alone
people make me tired
most days
anxiety
shrivels me
and depression
makes me stand still.

so i stay alone
not headed anywhere
scared and perpetually
lonely.

i have dreams
of one day
being totally free,
of anyone
and all responsibilities.

to exist
just because,
and to have no agenda.

i strive to be alone,
and purposeless.

If I had something to save
Maybe I would feel
Remorse, anything.

But I became numb,
Pushing anyone who cared
Far away.

Now I'm alone,
With nothing left to lose
Except for you.

The man that keeps me here,
Without whom, I would be dead.
A harsh reality
For someone who lost their
Hope.