I'd hand my very soul over for a couple hours of making out on the couch.
I'd sign my life away for a night out getting wasted and ending up in parking lots or the edge of the river.
I'd go as far as losing myself entirely for a shared cigarette or cup of coffee in a diner on the same side of the booth.

I would die for love

i am concerned for my memory
i feel nothing when you look at me
i want to sink
disappear
lay in bed
im in here

if you find me
just keep going
if you love me
theres no knowing
i cant tell between the two
happy days spent
missing you

The laundry pile is growing
taking different shapes
I plant flowers
and they live to see a day of sun
only to die right after
My baby,
my darling Coquelicot
She cries and I don't have what she needs
I don't have what I need.
Is it as simple as a hug?
A loving kiss?
A touch of the hand on my hand?
Could it be that simple?
Oh, nothing is simple.
Nothing is easy.
You can talk and talk all day long to your therapist
But at night, you are alone, always.
And that laundry pile will grow larger
than your dead end dreams
And the flowers will all die
and take you with them

You tell me this as if I don't already know
As if I don't go to therapy weekly to try and sort out my ****
As if i'm not a new mom completely drowning in postpartum depression behind closed doors
You think I don't know i'm angry?
I'm livid.
I have trauma I have to sort through daily
I have a baby that cries and cries,
but when her father walks through the door, she smiles
Did I see her smile today?
Maybe. But I am so ******* angry I forgot.
And heaven forbid, me, a mother, say such verbiage like "*******" in regards to my child and her endless agony
Because yeah, I am *******.
But do I love my daughter more than life itself?
Yes.
And we will continue to cry together, mother and baby, exhausting ourselves into slumber with tears streaming down our cheeks
While the man, the father, (the savior if you will)
Defeats me
over and over and over
again

Dunkin donuts wrappers in bed
Wine stained coffee mugs
Coffee stained coffee mugs
So many ******* mugs and cups it was hard to keep track of the one i was using
Piles and piles of clothes & junk on the floor
A guitar
A tiny amp
A window covered lazily with a dark blanket
to keep the sun out
Another window partially cracked at all times to remind us theres still a world out there, we're just choosing to live it inside your bedroom wasted and cracked out on adderall
The bag I lived out of, with a wonderful selection of like 2 outfits
The box of wine always sitting on a nearby surface
The box of wine constantly being replaced by another one
The always missing vape
The hair all over the bathroom sink I desperately wanted to clean but didnt have a single ounce of motivation or care in the world to actually do it
Chickens
Fish tank
Cats leaping in and out the window
A little polaroid of us I snuck on the wall, to make it more "home-y"
Our halloween costumes on the floor (a collection of last minute thrift store finds to complete a royal tenenbaums couples costume which we totally killed)
Walls filled with late night conversation
But most of all,
A room with two sad people
that somehow made each other
happy

like summer to fall,
our romance went
from vibrant greens and dripping sweat,
to fallen leaves and cigarettes
our romance went