Scared

I had a moment
A moment of real happiness
A silly loving happy moment
It felt like learning to laugh again but also strange
It really was a good moment

But I'm scared
Scared to fail
Scared to ruin this
Scared of never being enough

I feel like it's unfair to you
Like I'm not worthy of love

What if I don't find my will to live
What if I keep seeing you but I still break

I feel like you are worth more than my misery.
It's ironic how we're struggling with the opposite things

Me scared to live and you scared of dying

I really try to let you in but I could never tell you everything. Even tho I think you might understand. I'm so scared of that pitty look in your eyes.

It's hard to explain but I feel guilty dating you. Don't get me wrong I do like you but it feels like Im doing something wrong

My head is filled with all these thoughts
Dark thoughts
It never stops, it just keeps spinning, keeps molding.

It keeps dreaming, wishing and hoping

On a way out of this live
Dark thoughts but peaceful to plan

In a dark tunnel with only one way out
Only one solution

The tunnel is full of agony. Can't stay in here for much longer.

Longing for the end
Longing to be free
The best gift I could receive is the dead to me

I'm done
Done faking a smile
Done acting like I'm fine
Because I'm not!

When I was a kid I felt like there was no place for me not to be okay.
Everybody was to busy with other problems.
Mental health of my brother, the ****** up partners of my mother, the addiction of my brother.
I felt like I needed to be okay, but I hate they always assumed I was fine. Because I feel like i never was.
I'm not fine!
But I got so good in faking a smile, I don't know how to take the mask off anymore.

I have no clue who I am

I got to good in hiding inside, I don't know how to get out. So stuck inside

I want to take the mask off
But I'm scared of how people would react

I'm scared
But not only of how they would react
But of the real me
Scared of letting go
Scared of hurting others by letting go

I think about the letters I want to write to people when I say goodbye to the word

I think about leaving every day
The only time I wanted to keep on living was when I was with you
I thank you for that but I also hate it!
It's like it only got worse since then

I forgot how to fight that feeling
Forgot how I kept going

I used to think it would get better when I have my degree and then my dream job. But now I don't know what to look forward to. I don't know what to dream for. I lost hope of things getting better. So I only dream of saying goodbye. I dream of different ways to say goodbye.

I think of all the letters I want to write and some time I even start writing them.

So why I'm a still alive?

For the people how know me and would read this?

How do you even start to explain??
How do you explain that you wished you were dead from the age of 11

Of do you explain that a smiley girl was secretly dying inside.

I always thought love was enough
I thought things didn’t mather that mutch as long that you love each other
I’m not saying I thought it would be sunshine and rainbows all the time

But you get thru it whit love and for love, right?

But you sed you loved me, you say you still do?
So are you lying or do I have so much wrong

doesn’t every couple make sacrifices for each other?
isn’t everybody scared of what’s coming?

or am I so hard to live whit? maybe it isn’t love maybe it’s just me?
is a future whit me so much more scaring than a future alone?

Just tell me you don’t love me
because it’s so much worse to love me and not wanting to be whit me than just not loving me at all.

A breakup hurts and that totally normal
I just lost someone I love
And it’s strange how everything changes in a few minutes
Because of those few words
Left me whit so many questions
Left me empty and hurt

But the fact that you don’t  wanna be whit me anymore doesn’t hurt the most
It’s the reason why
At this moment I wanna be mad at you but I cant
I’m mad at my self, mad on my own body

I already hated my body, but I didn’t think it affected other people.
Having to hear my body, my ******* disease is the reason you can’t be whit me
HURTS
It took me long enough to accept I’ll never get better
It took me longer to believe I still deserve to be whit someone, to believe something like a disease or illness shouldn’t matter when you love someone.

Now you make me dought what took me so long to believe, now you make me dought myself.
But I’m strong!  I can still do what I want and I will still have the greatest adventures, I’ll prove that to you. I’m not saying I’ll be painless or everything will go easy but I won’t make it influence my dreams.

But for love, you can *******

In dark times
A flower closes
He won’t open till the light is back in his life
Maybe it would be easy to be a flower
Just turning away, closing my eyes when it's dark
But we're not
We can’t turn away and wish everything will be ok
You’ll have to do something
Because time won’t be standing still
Even if you are