Sometimes I want to hide away.
I don't want them to see me.
They are only pretending like everyone else.
Maybe I'm too broken for love.
Don't worry I'm use to being left in the cold.
I'll smile and pretend and put on show.
I know I'm not worth your time nor efforts.
I never will be.
But thank you for pretending you care.

I want to be stronger
I’m sorry...
my hands are shaking... Heart aching....
I’m hurting.
Can you hear when I call you with my thoughts?

Tears falling...
calling..
time stalling barely breathing...
hardly seeing anything clearly.

Your voice...
oh how I miss your voice
the way it moved me... The way I shivered
and smiled till my face hurt
laughing...
Never wanting it to end.

I’m here...
I’m safe...
I’m scared...
BUT Im here....

don’t worry...
This little bird is fine
tired, but alive
feeling you... close...

They say when you love someone
you’re never far apart and praying
that that’s true.

Till we can be close again..
I’m holding you in my thoughts...
In my heart...
If you listen hard enough,
maybe you can hear my thoughts...

This little bird is fine.

She slipped quietly away in the night
out the door
Not to flee
Although she wanted to.
But simply to look at the sky.

To find the moon
that she knew lied above
her over crowded and young head

She smiled up
at the blackened sky.
Then she found the object of her affection.
Brightly shinning on her nearly carmel skin.

She spoke sweet words
to the light that was in the darkness.
She made it brief but she longed
to be embraced.

She smiled and she breathed deeply.
She felt her insides grow with warmth.
She wished for more..
but for now the light of the moon would have to do.

“I love you,” she whispered
then she again hid away in the house once more
with hope for a better tomorrow.

Screaming out of help,
calling for something more,
wandering through the maze that I crave
of the life I live.
Fear cloaks me,
The truth gets caught in my throat,
then, I’m gasping for air.

Wishing for happiness
to push away despair.
Part of me wanting to disappear.
To hide from them
to hide from myself  

my torn disposition
my broken smile.
I can’t pretend my whole life

Please release me
please let me run
Please let me flee from this place

Sickened by my thoughts
sickened by my distant dreams
sickened by the loss of myself

please shadows of my mind...
don’t overtake me...
Someone save me
something save me...
pull me up

I’m clinging
sinking
needlessly choking
on my own victim mentality.
Most of my days are all the same..
Just like this.

Shining light within me,
why can’t I see you?
Why do you allude me so?
when I search so high and low for you
in the cracks and the cloaked spaces of myself.
I need to know that I am not only bad,
that I am not only here to destroy and break
the precious and beautiful  accepts that surround me.
I’m a little scratched and a little bruised and nicked
and a little tattered at the seams,
no I’m not proud of it but its true.
I’m trying to put myself back together
but it’s so easy to break
and the needle weaves in and out
hoping it holds tight this time.
I will find the light,
I need to,
hidden in the shadows of my own beings.
Light, I need you.

As she sunk down to depths of herself
Her arms were weak and fragile just like her spirt.
She was close to letting go of the only pieces
of herself that made her happy.

Then... Suddenly he was there.
He pulled her up from her drowning state
even when her eyes her full of her pain.
Miles separated them as did years.. and yet
he was  simply there.

He claimed he was just a guy...
but to her... he was so much more
He had in a few days time help mend the
tattered and torn expections of friendships
and even unknowingly helped her stitch up
some of the wounds that covered her back and her heart.

She didn’t know that friends existed.. not like this one
She told him he was wonderful
and he told her she was amazing
and for one of the first times in her life she believed the words

Thanks and compliments seemed to poor from her heart
and for once she didn’t breath so heavy
with the counting the number of days before his departure
but simply opened herself up
and let part of the little girl out that she had trapped there long ago.

She found she wasn’t so angry and
the fear didn’t eat her like it use to.
blushing over took her cheeks
and smiles spread across her lips like
a pink rose in the midst of spring

She couldn’t help but feel good inside and out
when they talked
and hearing his voice for even seconds was better.
She knew with this person
she had found not only a friend
but  a brother
someone who gave a **** about her.
Who saved from herself.
Or maybe helped her save herself.
Which she wasn’t sure.

All she knew as that she once thought
that finding a person to click with was rare. 
And now she knew that the real challege was finding someone
how you bonded with and connected with..
Who was willing to give more than take.
And that’s what she found.
She could’nt see the greatness in herself  
but he could.
Prehaps he couldn’t see what hid within himself
but she could.
For once in her life she was okay with the world not being perfect
and prehaps for the first time as well she let herself go.

He did so much for her by just being herself..
but in the end the best thing he ever did to her
was love his friend for who she was.

The darkness covers my lungs and it feels like Im drowning
I gasp for air in hopes to breath in light.
I’m desperate.
I scream silently and I’m waiting for something... anything
The answers I seek are only met with my questions.
And now I’ve lost all sense of direction
and I don’t know if  I’m sinking or floating.
I know for certain I’m not swimming
For I can’t will myself to move.
I gasp needing to feel light help me gain back
what the bitter sweet dark has taken away.

I use to beg for morning light to take away this blackness
but oh no. It’s not that simple.
Now the light only brings out the sewing kit
I take the red thread and sew my smile on
right in the place I know it belongs.
I wish I had thicker string because this one breaks to easy.
I pull my hair back and slip my clothes on
and I walk the world as if I have nothing to hide.
Nothing that haunts me in some late hours of the night.

I pretend that I am as innocent as I look.
Oh sweet Sun you are just my puppeteer
until the night comes
and plays a different tune for me to dance too.
Why  do I give so much control of my bandaged and duct tape pieces of myself.

For the love of what ever is making this world keep spinning.
I’m tired of this helplessness.
I hate gulping down shots of light
like an addict needing my fix or a pick me up to get me through another day
But sadly the light is not my addiction.
The dark is
that swallows me up with it forged promises
and authentic pain that blankets me.

I am tired of fighting so tied of it.
If some didn’t grasp my hand
right before I let myself go.
I would have drowned in the misery of this
the water red and salty.
I beg for them not to let go as they pull me up
and nearly get pulled down with me.


Please cut my strings I beg
I don’t want to be the puppet of the pain anymore
Please.
You can only cut the bonds you’ve made sweetie

I open my eyes as I slice though the first thick cords attached to me
and for the first time in a long time
I see the me I want to be
and I see the light hidden there.