So tired of remembering
So tired of trying to think
So tired of knowing the truth
So tired of feeling sick
I can hardly speak,
If im mumbling
I can hardly breathe,
If im hyperventilating
I can hardly hear,
If there is static
I can hardly see,
If its blurry
I cant talk,
But i scream
I cant breathe,
But i get anxious
I cant hear,
But i hear the truth
I cant see,
But i see only myself
My moods
My fears
My actions
My words
My nightmares
My thoughts
My mind is never heard
Im violent
Im hurting
Im out of control
Im in danger
Im drowning
Im losing my soul
Noone liked me
My attitude ******
Noone understood me
My moods were ****** up
Everyone tried
I pushed them away
Everyone was scared
But they forced themselves to stay
I fought myself and i lost
I tried to swim in my tears and i drowned
I tried to put together my broken pieces but i lost them
I tried to be friends with myself and i gave up
I couldnt undo myself
I couldnt accept myself
I couldnt look at myself
I couldnt control myself
Until i injected myself
Until i repaired myself
Until i fixed myself
Until i finally helped myself
It helps to speak
It helps to breathe
It helps to hear
It helps to see
It helps to be calm
It helps to be alert
It helps to be clear
It helps to be understood
Im forced to be stable towards myself
Im medicated

‎4 years ago today, we were all gathered together
4 years ago today, we were all losing our minds
4 years ago today, the doctor couldnt lie
4 years ago today, we knew we were going to cry
4 years ago today, we saw you suffering
4 years ago today, you had your last sight
4 years ago today, you had your last movement
4 years ago today, you had your last hearing
4 years ago today, you had your last breath
4 years ago today, all our tears were coming down hard
4 years ago today we knew god was whispering "come with me"
4 years ago today we had no choice but to say goodbye
4 years ago today, god took you to his kingdom
4 years ago today, we knew you were the new queen of angels    
4 years ago today, is the anniversary of your death
4 years ago today, is the day i will never forget
4 years ago today, is the day i cry the most
4 years ago today, is the day i visit your place
4 years ago today, next year is another hard day

Left behind
Left alone
Left to worry
Left to run
Left to hide
Left to disrespect
Left confused
Left to be abused
Left to be forgotten
Left in the darkness
Left in silence
Left in distress
Left to be trapped
Left to cry,
& drown in tears which fall from the eyes.

The words of truth make me scream until i cry
I can no longer hear anymore
I can no longer speak anymore
Now i wont use my words anymore
My body seems to be the one in charge
Im a disguised stranger;
And i look inside a broken mirror
The pieces that shattered has broken me
I fell apart and disappeared
With the blood on the floor
I slipped and lay on the ******
I created a scene so deep
Inside my mind, im weak
But the weakness strengthened me to harm..
I have been injected with strength
And then the force takes over my body
I dont wanna scream anymore
So i raise my hands at my throat
I dont wanna run away anymore
So i put my feet in front of myself for me to fall
I dont wanna feel anymore
So i numbed myself with sharp edges
I dont wanna cry anymore
So i guide my fingers to scratch my eyes
I dont wanna be hurt anymore
But i wanted to feel it all over again

Never thought I would receive such heart-breaking news
That I was unable to choose
That you couldnt be rescued
Never thought your heart would grow weak
That you would forever sleep
That you and God would meet
Never thought my heart would break
That I knew this was all a big mistake
That God had to take
Never thought the day would go by
That you would fly
That I would cry
Never thought that I would lose
That the devil was accused
That my heart is now bruised
Never thought that I would feel this pain
That I became insane
But heaven has gained...
An angel
Mother Queen of Angels
My beautiful angel
Your daughter cries on...

I took away what held me together
And now i have fallen apart
All the dark secrets ive hidden inside me bled out through my cuts & scars
The loneliness of my spirit has left a crowded life
I left what could have saved me
I left what could have helped me
And now i breathe in the pollution thats inside my mind
I brainwashed myself into thinking i was ok
I couldnt see how i was because i was blinded with the pain
As i met who i was deep inside, i learned to accept the change within myself
I was addicted to a mind that stays inside;
Trapping me so i cant hide
I thought i was normal when i was full of guilt
I thought i was normal when i was full of anger
I thought i was normal when i was abusive
I thought i was normal when i was changing my thoughts
I thought i was normal when i was turning my back away from people
I thought i was normal when i was avoiding people
I thought i was normal of every single behaviour i had made
I thought i was normal when i was full of tears everyday
I thought i was normal to crave my fears
I thought i was normal to look for my nightmares
I thought i was normal to fall in love with the stranger i have created

The weight is heavy against my body
I can feel my chest being pushed in
Its tight inside this little space
I cannot move; i can barely breathe
There was a cage that grew over me;
Locking me in
And hiding me
I wanted to escape but i couldnt find the key
I was trapped and i was lost
I tried pushing my way through but nothing moved
I just had no strength to move my own fears
Invisible pins pierced through my clothes
And then the wall waited for my body; i was pushed but i didnt fall
Instead i was held up with the strong forces, then i felt like i was being strangled
I had no way of breaking through
My strength broke when i tried to escape
There was nowhere to go
So i stood there feeling helpless
I breathed so deeply hoping my lungs would open wider
Instead i felt them being crushed
And then my heart was squeezed until i fell to the floor
I was feeling weak
No more wall was behind me
Instead i was pushed to the floor
Broken,
Shattered,
Bleeding until i couldnt take no more
Felt stabbed with invisible knives
Cut right open,
And ended the fight

I met a liquid
Then i met my other side
This is a story
When i made myself sink
This is a story
When my only hobby was to drink
I was too sober to focus
And when i was intoxicated,
I was aware
But aware to harm
Aware not to care
I peer pressured myself to change
And brainwashed my heart to bleed
The pain;
The darkness.
I never saw the light until the bright liquid opened my eyes
I fell in love
My first love ever
I just knew i didnt need anyone else;
Anything else
I didnt mind the taste, or burn
Because i never felt a thing
As it traveled down my throat,
It cured my screams
As it traveled through my lungs
I was able to breathe
As it traveled through my veins,
All the pain was gone
But as it stayed within my body,
Thats when i lost control
I didnt care
I didnt think
I wanted more
This was an obsession
I became a danger to myself and other people
I didnt care
I didnt think
I wanted to feel all my pain disappear
And so i wanted to be taken advantage of
Drank to make all my pain go away
Drank to forget
Drank to bleed
Drank myself to sleep
And i loved a bottle more then i loved anyone else

Away forever
Forever a disappearance
Im still looking for you
Are you hiding
Im still running for you
Is it hide and seek
Trying to unto the pain of sorrow
I dont think im ever going to accept what shouldnt have happened
It doesnt feel real
I wish it wasnt real
Are you still here?
Im vulnerable;
My mind is telling me your still here
Like you were here yesterday, today, and will be tomorrow;
Im only lying to myself
But thats what it feels like
Looking at a picture,
With your face thats inside.
I feel like im face to face with you
Just talking like it was before
I reach out and touch you
I reach out and kiss you
I reach out and hug you
But the paper is gently put back
And then you stare with the eyes you once had
The family you once had
Were here but your there
If i cut you out of the frame,
Will you come back
I thought God was powerful
But he doesnt use me
Your alive
Only in my heart
Only in my dreams
I wanna close my eyes forever

We can only pretend
We can only remember
We can never forget
All thats left is pictures
And its the only image of you i can see
All thats left is a movie & tapes
And its the only voice of you i can hear
All thats left are treasures
And i hold them close to me
All thats left is gifts
And i will never give away
All thats left is your table
And its where you are alive to me
All thats left is tears
And that will never stop
All thats left is memories
And memories never fade
All thats left is my voice
Because i know i cant hear you speak
All thats left is my eyes
Because i know i cant look at you see
All thats left is my ears
Because i know i cant see you listening
All thats left is the mind
And i will never stop thinking of you
All thats left is a mirror
And i see you when i stare inside
All thats left is the sky
And its the only closest way to heaven
All thats left is flowers & small things
And its the only gift i can give
All thats left is a tombstone
And its the only closeness i will ever be to you
All thats left is goodbyes
And then it starts all over again
But it always will end with tears so all thats left is memories
And it never escapes my mind

When its loud, it becomes silent
When theres light, it becomes dark
When its easy, it becomes hard
When its full, it becomes empty
When theres fun, the fun ends
When theres happiness, it turns into anger
When theres joy, it turns into depression
When theres dreams, they turn into nightmares
When theres confidence, fear takes over
When theres talking, silence is overwhelming
When theres appearance, it becomes ignored
When the eyes see, it becomes blurry
When the ears listen, it becomes staticky
When breathing, it becomes breathless
When the mind is in peace, it becomes dangerous
When the heart speaks, it becomes broken
As i shut myself in and lock the door
I stay to bleed all over the floor
It was silent
It was quiet
I wanted everyone out
It hurts now
Its painful
I never accepted help
It was dangerous
It was serious
I couldnt be controlled
It was stupid
It was unexplainable
I wanted to go

The world was filled with happiness.
The world was filled with joy.
My family was filled with positive emotions.
But I was just filled with negative emotions.
I just woke up so depressed;
Because I didnt have you here.
The first time in my life;
Spending this day without you,
Made me feel so uncomfortable around people,
So unfocused around people,
So weird around people.
I just couldnt stop daydreaming about you;
& what it would be like if I had you here.
& because I wasnt used to this,
I didnt know how to handle it.
My tears have drowned me so deeply;
& Im sinking because I cannot keep my head up.
All I felt was empty.
All I felt was pain.
All I felt was depression.
& now It all wont go away.
The week of this day all i heard on the radio was "Mother's Day,"
& my heart stopped;
Then my breathing went faster;
& then it was like my body just got an electric shock.
Inside I was so numb;
Chills up & down my spine,
I just froze.
Now this day has come,
& Im missing something...
You're company,
You're love,
You're sweetness,
You're kindness,
You're happiness,
You're kisses,
You're hugs,
You're cooking,
You're spirits,
My Mother.
I just never thought I would spend this day without you.
I just never thought I would never see you again.
I just never thought I would regret so many things.
I just never thought I would feel this guilty.
I just never thought I would cry so much.
I just never thought that each day will get worse.
& I just never thought I would end up being so mentally weak;
Because I cannot handle it.
Without you here really kills me.
Without you here makes me unstrong.
Without you here makes me fill up the house with my tears.
& without you here on this day will never ever be the same.
& I will continue to cry forever.

All i see is darkness
All i feel is weapons
All i hear is myself screaming
All im doing is trying to breathe
The darkness shuts my eyes
The weapons tear open my skin
My screaming strips my vocal cords
I still cant breathe
A sudden change;
I dont know whats happening
I dont know what im feeling
And i can only feel my heart pounding
And i feel like im choking
I know ill never breathe
All the worries
All the pain
Is controlling my body & making me weak
Im trying to breathe,
While i struggle to breathe
Im trying to speak,
As i struggle to speak
But the air is just strangling me
I dont know what im supposed to do
Because im so confused
What is going on?
I feel so numb to gain feeling again
Now i lost all strength;
When i gained all weakness
And then my head spins as im getting so dizzy
My legs are wobbly as i try to walk;
Now i know im gonna fall

I can hardly breathe;
My chest is so tight
In the darkness i lay wide awake
Through my pain, i hyperventilate
Im breathing, but its too fast
I still havent learned to catch my breath
My heart is pounding hard
And then i become so numb from dizziness
I have become so overtired that i cannot sleep
And im inside a nightmare that my eyes wont stay shut
When i tremble, i shake my whole body
I cannot control my nerves
I cannot hold myself down
My appetite has suddenly disappeared; my spirit is the one that starves
Too nervous to eat
Too nervous to drink
Too nervous to get up
Im so confused; what is happening?
Im inside another world feeling weird
I cant snap out of it
I cant control it
I guess i have to fight it
But how do i fight if i have no strength?
I have no strength to control whats inside me
As i keep hyperventilating im slowly falling
I fall with weakness to the ground
I cannot undo whats purposely done
I can only find a way to cope with my fears
There are knots inside my stomach;
The cramping makes it harder for me to breathe
Its fast;
My breathing is so fast
The dizziness is getting worse
Now i feely head is spinning with all the pain
Pulsing; i can feel my heartbeat inside my head as it starts hurting;
Its squeezing me tight
Im struggling to pass air because my chest is so tight
Something is blocking my lungs
These thoughts keep racing
I keep accepting
Im supposed to ignore what hurts me
It's just not giving me a chance to breathe properly

The slow breathing,
Before the fast;
Until my body is shocked with the sudden reaction.
My mind that takes over my heart,
Will never learn to be controlled.
I will never know what it feels like to be relaxed.
Just to be unworried,
Fearless,
Brave,
& to trust.
& through the darkness,
The light appears dead in silence.
Only the sound of fear,
Plays in my head.
Only the sound of my breath,
When I try to gasp for air.
My mind pushes strong;
There is no limit.
My heart is pushed so far;
It works so hard.
& then the air within my body,
Cannot be controlled.
My breathing,
So hard.
So heavy.
So fast.
& Im at the point where I cannot breathe.
It feels so harsh,
So painful.
My body weakens.
My body is dizzy.
My fingers & toes are so numb as I shake.
It just feel like there is an earthquake.
Im unable to walk.
These attacks are controlling me.
& with the dehydration my body goes through,
The water that is finally taken into me,
Drowns me when I need the moisture.
Its so hard to think with confusion.
Its so hard to focus with distraction.
Its so hard to try and catch my breath,
When hyperventilation takes over.

A tunnel thats ready to move,
Im inside a dark place
I feel the tension inside my body and im preparing not to breathe
I feel the squeeze that covers my lungs
The liquid that escapes, makes a puddle of blood
My throat doesnt cooperate when i try to swallow
I choke on the past
And i hyperventilate on all the shadows
The air that i try to catch only makes me dizzy
My heart races
And my body gets heavy
Everything is getting smaller as i get weaker
My bones arent strong as my body gets tighter
Im falling over as my skin rips apart
I shattered the pieces to my heart
The tunnel is my body and its closing in on me

I felt a feeling like never before
My heart; pounding
I couldnt handle anymore
My fears escalated to the point where i glued my eyes shut
But then i saw my nightmares that never went away
I tried to unglue my eyes
But then they were permanently shut tight.
Now i see whats inside my mind
I wanna erase everything thats trying to hide.
I will never forget what harmed me
I want to go back to the past and change everything
I blocked myself from winning
My mind made me lose repeatedly Turned into glass; my heart jumped out of my chest and then broke as it hit the floor
The blood rushed out of my body as i tried to save myself
I felt so broken as i lay on the floor
I bruised myself my remembering the times i wanted to leave this darkness
And I have been in the darkness my whole life; i regret not wanting to fight
I fought the wrong people
I fought the wrong person that tried to hide
My fears keep growing; while i am shrinking
Eventually i will crumble inside my own body
Eventually i will pass out for not breathing
Im breathing harsh
Im breathing slow
Im hyperventilating and it just wont leave me alone
Im fighting to breathe
My tears just wont dry
Its painful to breathe
And it hurts to cry
The time keeps ticking but there is no change
The time only makes me think that tomorrow it starts all over again
My fears dont wanna leave
My nightmares dont turn into regular dreams
Im still unable to control this feeling
Im waiting on the last tear that ends all my negativity
And i wish the last tear will stop all pain forever

Under the sea
On top of the sand
Between the waves
The king's daughter
Ruby red;
Her hair long and wavy
Amethyst purple;
Her chest is protected with plastic sea shells
Emerald green;
Her fins are strong
Shes wild
Shes free
Shes fun
Shes full of energy
Shes determined
She moves
She sings
She escapes when shes supposed to stay
And then a prince;
Takes her breath away
Wanting to take his hand,
She kills him with the eyes of crystals
Unexplainable love writes itself a book
Her heart is pounding
His heart is melting
The wind forces their bodies to reveal themselves to eachother
The waves move her into his space
At last they meet
She has no fear
The king is ignored
Love come first
He comes first
Noone else had the strength to take her heart
The anger in his voice
The power from his trident
The king had so much rage
And she tried to fight it
A wicked silhouette;
Willing to help a helpless mermaid
A transformation was forced
An evil fish was at her attention
And the human appeared
Her fins were locked up
Her voice was taken away
And the only way to love,
Was to finally walk
No recognition,
The prince didnt know
Her strength was taken
Her voice was taken
Her fins,
Disappeared
She only wanted to walk
But also wanted to talk
And she had to make a trade
Into a shell,
Her voice was stolen
That wicked fish used it to steal another thing
His love moved on
His love grew strong
Wrong body
Wrong soul
Wrong heart
Poor ariel
The tears made a new ocean
With all her breath;
Now shes swimming to a ceremony that should have been hers
He was ready
Into pieces,
The shell had escaped from an evil soul
Into her body,
The voice was back into the mermaid's soul
Into his eyes,
He saw what beauty was
The love grew
It grew upon everyone
In the end the prince was accepted
The king had bowed his head
The evil was gone
The magic, finally dead
Fins again
Voice again
Alive again
In love once again

When the air usually passes through,
But then suddenly its hard to breathe
I feel it in my chest the pressure
I can feel my heart just pounding
The dizziness arrives
And thats when my strength fades away
I can no longer hold onto myself
Im falling as i slip away
I cannot swallow
I just wanna exhale all my fears
Theres something in my throat
The anxiety just wont go down
I keep forgetting
I keep messing up
The confusion gets the best of me
My brain is just freezing over
Like a tree with no leaves, all my pieces shook themselves and fell onto the ground
The pieces to my body broke apart from me
I felt every struggle as i try to open my lungs
As i hyperventilate i feel the suffocation choking me
I want these invisible hands to break away from my throat

I close my eyes and see the past
Im taken away into the pain once again
It strikes me one more time
So my fears have returned and unlocked my door
Undoing my progress,
Its ruining my strength
Undoing my happiness,
Its ruining my moods
Undoing my past,
Its bringing me back
Walking then suddenly stopped,
Its blocking my path to move
Now it created a maze for me figure out and get hurt
Running then suddenly pushed,
On the floor now i cannot move
Forced to stay down in chains;
Now the mind is ready to work
A movie in front of me is placed
For me to cry through it all
Now its a never ending story,
Now im watching myself fail
Its pushing me to where i started
To remember and repeat my mistakes
Its pushing me to when i was weak
Now my strength is remembering where it died
Its pushing me to when i didnt listen
Now im ignoring my heart again
Its pushing me to when i was drug-free
To when my mind was always in control
Its pushing me to repeat
For my body to give in one more time
The maze is over but everything looks the same
Now im back where i started;
Im in the dark once again

I met a friend who appeared to be fake
I met a friend who i wanted to break
Taught me how to live, but made me go crazy
Taught me how to be happy, but made me cry
Taught me how to love, but made me hate
Taught me how to heal, but made me bleed
Taught me how to breathe, but gave me anxiety
Taught me how to relax, but made me
angry
Taught me how be strong, but made me weak

I lived in fear, thats why i went crazy
I was happy, because crying too much drowned me
I love, because pain was the only partner i had
I healed from the cuts & scars that were purposely done to my body
I breathed in so much toxic that harmed me
I was relaxed after i used negative paths to help me
I was strong to feed my weakness

I met a friend, that friend was me.
I was the one that destroyed my body, my soul and my sanity..

All the pain that was caused,
Had made my anger rise
My veins revealed themselves through my skin
And so my blood revealed itself through my cuts
How did this bleeding end
How did i live normal again
Im reaching into the mirror,
Hoping i can switch places with my twin
But its all the same
The mirror broke
And the pieces cut my skin
I bandaged the bleeding with food;
The late nights when i couldnt stop
I bandaged the bleeding with alcohol;
I drank my fears away, & drank myself to sleep
I bandaged the bleeding with ***;
I wasnt scared of strangers who took my worries away
I tried to bandage the bleeding with weapons, but i made it worse
And so i bled all over again
I licked my own wounds
But then i swallowed the pain back in my body
I covered my scars
But then the lid got worn out
I clothed my cuts
But then the weather got hot
I uncovered everything again
A bandage is not permanent
Im still wounded;
Bleeding from the inside out
With a drug i had to take,
It helped me push out all the toxins inside my body
I had to **** the poison out of my own body
And like a snake i took off all the dead skin i had
With the layers gone,
Im hoping my new body will last without harming myself again

A spoiled handsome prince
A beautiful enchantress in disguise
A spell that would last forever
It was a test
A rose was an exchange
He turned her away, and had to remain ugly forever
Until he loves
Until he changes
He remain; a beast forever
Depressed & confused
His heart was so cold
He needed love
Before the rose got old
Far away a beauty appears
Her big hazel eyes had such good intentions
Her lips shine as she sings
And a brunette long hair waved around as she dances
Full of life
Full of kindness
The opposite of who she will soon meet will frighten her
A sudden trap,
The beasts heart exploded
Papa is trapped,
But she gained strength to free him
The deal she made
The shock of life
Her life,
Prisoner forever
Seconds to minutes, they stare at eachother with silence
Minutes to hours, they fight constantly
Hours to days, everything was finally stable
Days to nights, the heart became warm again
The sound of her voice calmed the nerves;
Calmed the castle
The touch of her body turned him weak;
Made eyes bigger
The two that danced;
The two that sang,
The two that slowly turned hate to love
Bitterness was he;
Who turned into kindness
Miserable was he;
Who turned into happiness
Scary was he;
Who he turned gentle
And then suddenly,
A disaster
A magic mirror never told a lie
Run;
She needed to run
The beautiful dress;
She needed to change
The tall friend; the love;
She wanted to leave
Papa is sick
She needed to leave
His emotions were mixed
Torn
Sad
But understanding, he let her go
The ROSE;
She had left behind
Home sweet home
Not for long,
Not for peace
And now they wanted to **** the beast
& the castle dark with fear;
Protection could only be so long before its broken into a thousand pieces
And then finally a nightmare got created
The door opens
The arrow pointed
A man, who was a real beast inside had struck a restored heart
So silent;
It was too silent
Her body exhausted so she threw herself at him
"Please dont leave me;
I LOVE you"
And then the last rose petal had fallen down to die
Seconds were approaching
And then his sweet heart stopped
Her tears became apart of the rain
Into the puddles, she shed
There was a deep depression in her eyes
There was no more hope inside her mind
Silence turned to noise
A struck of bright light,
And then some more
A struck of bright lines,
And then alot more
and as he lifted into the sky,
He was unzipped out of that hideous costume
It was an amazing site
The glowing skin of a transformed figure
Eyes more crystal blue then ever
The body of a newly updated prince
Heart finally of gold
The wind pushed him close
His breath opened his lips
"Its me"
And then he waited for her response patiently
& then she was speechless until she realizes the truth
They're eyes connected deep within their minds
Deep within their souls
The happiness struck her suddenly and softly her vocal cords pushed the words of excitement out of her red lips;
"It is you"

The roses revealed such a wild scent;
It made us relax,
Before we got excited.
& it was so quiet.
Our hands did all the talking in silence.
Our clothes ended up ****** our souls.
Our minds just forced our bodies on eachother.
It was just too easy to give in.
The air was like piercing thorns,
That allowed us to bleed sweat upon eachother.
The walls were yelling down to the floor.
The floor was yelling up to the bed,
To take us in.
The bed finally answered after watching our eyes,
Stare with strong excitement.
Teasing our bodies.
Teasing our minds.
The bed was calling to get blessed.
The bed had the jaws of a shark,
Waiting to pull us in.
My body was suddenly carried;
His arms were forced to touch me.
And then I was saved;
As the bed catches my body,
As Im thrown down.
I felt the air from his mouth to my ear.
His whispers were no secrets.
His responses left me no choice;
Theres no turning back.
My whispers were answering back to him;
I gave my body to him.
Ripped from our bodies,
Our clothes were tossed on the floor from eachothers hands.
Our skin was finally revealed through the air.
& it became so hot.
The walls cracked.
The floor broke.
The bed got beaten.
It must have been a sin,
Because it felt so good.
It must have been wrong,
Because we couldnt stop.
Your starvation for my body,
I fed you.
My dehydration for your body,
You quenched my thirst.
All the tension,
All the weakness,
All the strength,
All the energy,
Was released onto the bed.
& it was drenched with sweat.
& it was ***** with our bodies.
& it was beaten with our hands.
& it was completed with pleasure.
The strength within you.
Showed me what you were about.
The strength within me,
Showed you what I was about.
The energy between us,
Stripped the room with great pleasure of ****** activity.
The innocence of the bed has been finally broken with guilt.
& the sheets were brutally shattered.
It was so dark.
But so light to see what had happened.

Face to face i spoke
Face to face i smiled
Face to face i shared all my secrets
Face to face i whispered
Face to face we slept
Face to face i trusted
When i spoke, i screamed;
I tried to fun from my fears
When i smiled, i pretended i was ok;
I cried behind closed doors and watched myself break
When i shared the secrets, i was actually sharing what to do;
I forced myself to harm; forced my mind to hurt my heart and bleed through my cuts
When i whispered, i was actually hyperventilating;
My anxiety striked me when i couldnt take no more
When i slept, i was experiencing nightmares
What happen to the dreams i once had?
I thought i knew, but i actually didnt
The person deep within was a stranger after all
Turned their back
Shut me out
Turned their face
Locked me out
Closed the lights;
And silenced me
Opened the door;
Pushed me out
Everything has turned and now im so confused
Living with the enemy is not easy
Sleeping with the enemy still chokes me
Looking at the enemy still makes me cry
Fighting the enemy, and then always losing
Being the enemy is basically my nightmare
Mind and heart separated
Heart and mind will never be reunited
So when i trusted, it was so wrong;
Yes it was so wrong to trust myself
I thought i knew who i was

When the lights go out
When my fears come closer
When i feel like im choking
When i feel my skin shiver
When i need oxygen to breathe
When im intoxicated with liquid
When i need the drug to function
When i draw blood from my skin
When i cry
When i yell
When im quiet
When im loud
When i panic
When im scared
When i hallucinate
Is when noone is there
When i have anxiety
When i hyperventilate
When i become violent
When im filled with hate
When i see negativity
When i hear the lies
When i feel the cold
When im hurt inside
When im out of control
When i cant find the strength
When its just too much to handle
Is when everything goes blank
Goodbye to the freedom
Hello to my new chains
Goodbye to the happiness
Hello to my tears that rain
Goodbye to the light
Hello to the dark
Goodbye the bright colours
That were in my heart

Riding inside sorrowful wheels
Our minds were so lost
Still to this day i continue to cry,
And i saw no colours but black
Because she made the colours bright
Now she doesnt drive anymore
But shes inside a car
Unable to move
Unable to speak
Unable to breathe
And we were forced to ride behind her
Blind to see the roads,
I wanted to turn back time
When is this pain going to end,
It should have never began
Alone,
Unbreathing,
Layed down to rest,
Its forever
Slowly we move,
Faster our hearts beat
Around in a circle,
I couldnt live through it
Then i made it;
But blinded;
Crying, and broken
The waving of their hands had me confused and locked up inside
Now this is the end
This is how we made her say goodbye
The hurst is what held her
Closed, and hidden inside
Arrived at the forest
With silent bodies around
Now its her turn to leave;
We had to say goodbyes above ground
She who was buried,
I felt like i was too.
Half my heart was gone
Half my heart was taken
Half my heart was shattered;
Broken
Forever gone
Half my heart was buried with her soul
So today i still cry
The black car that i see
As soon as it appears
Im unable to set myself free
The black car that i see,
It happens all the time
Everytime i see a funeral,
That day is in my mind
Like a light switch that turns on;
My anxiety turns on.
Im hyperventilating;
I cannot breathe.
The terrible memory i had to see,
This vehicle triggered a tragedy
Today i see the black car
The hurst that i hate
Today i think back when i had to witness her body escape

Its just a hidden name
But it means the same
In try to change it
But i feel the same
I try to re name it
But it looks the same
I cant undo whats done
All the colours that were mine,
Has disappeared away from my mind
Im experiencing a deep, dark shadow
And my image is escaping;
I wanna run & hide
Im drowning
And only myself can save my mind
My tears are whats making me unbreathe
As i try to gasp for air, i feel my lungs being crushed some more
The razor hides because i abused it
Now i smash a mirror to remake it
And im walking with my eyes closed
Do i really wanna do this again?
I cannot hold myself back
I am my own enemy
I try to stop myself from harm
But i keep forcing mutilation upon my body
On the floor i fall; i bleed
On the floor im struggling to save me
Once again i cry
Once again i hyperventilate
Once again im angry
Once again i abuse
Once again im in pain
Once again i dont care

Once upon a time I was I red rose.
The sparkling jewels in my eyes lit up while the happiness destroyed me.
My rosy cheeks would warm up my whole body.
I didnt believe in frowns.
I didnt believe in anger.
I didnt believe in sorrow.
I forgave and forgot.
& the clear liquid was the water from the sunshower;
That poured out of my peddles so slowly and fluently.
My stem kept me strong.
I never fell once.
The grass was my bed,
And the sun form the beautiful blue sky was my alarm clock.
The birds were my music,
And the wind was my fan.
...& then it all fell apart.
& then it all destroyed me.
Destroyed with all the drama;
My redness turned black.
Destroyed with all the drama,
The sparkles in my eyes went down.
My rosy cheeks turned me so pale.
I suddenly frown.
I suddenly appear angry.
I suddenly appear depressed.
The liquid that was clear was only my tears.
& so the liquid that poured out of my body was red;
So it became my blood;
Flowing with rage out of my peddles.
My stem is no longer strong.
It grew sharp thorns;
Thorns with what I use to damage myself.
Thorns that pricked me to become weak.
& made me fall.
I now lay on the hard cement.
Cold & dark.
My alarm clock is now the thunder.
My music is the storm,
Depressing & dark.
The sky is not blue anymore,
But grey.
Now my fan is a tornado;
Which completely blows me to the ground.
My peddles start to fall,
My stem gets weaker,
My only strength is the thorns;
Which pierces me deep.
And as I pierce myself,
Im bleeding through myself;
Making puddles on the ground.
& each thorn counts for every problem;
So the thorns keep growing.
I have changed my colour.
I have dropped to the ground.
I have lost my strength.
I have changed myself completely.
Depression is the only mood that I feel everyday.
& happiness is the only mood that will never return to me.
The red rose I was before;
Died down to a black rose I am now.

Inside my head im flying
But i fly to an unknown place
A place to cry
A place to mourn
A place for anger
A place to be depressed
A place to be hurt
A place to forget
As i land thats when it all hits me
And i try to push it all away,
But it all seems to be coming closer then ever
I try to reason;
To make a deal
But like always, i never win
Im stuck on this island forever
All around me seems to be unfamiliar
I came to a place to lose myself forever
When the white wings were born,
It was so pure
All the negativity suddenly changed its colour
If i try to pull these things off,
Will i be different;
Will i be how i used to be
So now i tear out these wings,
As i rip open my skin
Now im bleeding,
Now im in pain
But the pain is not within my body
Its in my mind,
Its in my soul
The blood just makes me dizzy as i continue to separate myself from it all
Im in pain because i want to
Now its even more
As i tear it all off,
It grows back for more
Im so stuck
Im stuck like this forever
I thought i accomplished what i needed
I really dont know how to fix it all
Disappear, or just deal with it all
I thought i would escape, but now i made it worse
How can i fly back?
I cant.
How can i start over?
I cant.
I appeared into a world that i created
A world not normal;
To be who i want
But now i wanna go back
Now i regret it all
And as i try to fly, it hurts
As i get up it weakens me
Theres no turning back,
Because i had chosen my path
This colour wont make me change to what im begging for
All alone;
Its cold
Its dark
Its silent
How do i go back home
Right now im so lost
Because the right path has been erased

The feeling when my mind is numb
Is when i lose all concentration when i try to think
In a sudden shock; i freeze
My body is frozen, and then i forget how to breathe
Silence is interfering when i try to look for hidden words
I cannot speak when i want to speak
Something is stopping me
I forgot everything i wanted to do;
Everything i wanted to say
It all got ripped out of me
I feel so empty inside
I use to write with my brain
I had words all over me
My stories were told
My memories would show
Then my mind erased it all
The good memories turned bad
The stories didnt end happy
The other side of me changed and stood out more then the light
I was covered in black
I cannot erase what got painted on me
Its all black
Its all dark
I feel blind
I feel scared
No words are allowed to be spoken
I know because i tried
Its like my memories restored
Its like the good ones were a dream
Im in a nightmare now
And now i can hardly see
Now i try to use my head,
But it just keeps blocking me
Im limited to my thoughts
Im limited to speak out loud
Then when i speak in silence, its so hard to think
My body got washed out
I cant remember how to move
My voice got washed out
I cant remember how to speak
My hearing got washed out
I cant remember how to listen
My sight got washed out
I cant remember how to see
My breathing got washed out
I cant remember how to breathe
My heart got washed out
And then my mind took over
There is emptiness within

Im silenced from my mind
And im forced not to talk
I dont know what im thinking
I dont know what im supposed to do
My head is spinning so i fall
I fall and cant get up
Im so weak from being too strong
All my strength has disappeared
No more thoughts
No more voice
No more expressing how i really feel
I feel so trapped
When i try to think, my head starts to hurt
When i try to speak, my mouth becomes dry
When i try to see, my eyes get watery
When i try to listen, my ears start to ache
When i try to move, i become numb
I tried everything
I gained weakness when i lost all my strength
And when i try to exercise my mind, i hyperventilate and collapse
I have no more words because i wasted all my energy to show what i feel
My stories never got across
And when it did, i never cared to cure whats been hurting me
Unresponsive;
I force myself to be silent
If i talk, im screaming
If if i scream, im crying
If i cry, i hyperventilate
When i cant breathe, i just fall to the floor
I dont have the strength to pick myself back up
And when my legs are shaky, its so hard to walk the path i once got lost in
I have no more memory,
Of what i need to remember
And when i wanna forget,
It all comes shooting inside my head
I can never win
Because i always lose
It kills to learn how to think again
I wanna try to start over again
Im willing to try again
But i think that my mind wants it all to end
I try to wake up but dreams got lost
I try to forget but there is no block
I wanna remember but everything is on pause
I try to come back but my mind has no response

All the smiles
All the joy
All the laughter
All the rejoice
Lights are bright
The light is shining through
Deep in my heart is the only one i have because of you
Its just another day;
Another day to be more happier
But another day to feel more pain
And another day to feel more emptier
Memories remain
Pain wont ever change
Pictures will always be the same
Heartache once again
My mind is crowded
And my heart is full
Its too hard to have fun
Presents wont get me happier
The one thing i want is so impossible
Its too far away to reach
Its too far away to grab
The one thing i want,
Is someone i cannot have
I had it every year
I had it everyday
The love that i shared
Was taken on a painful day
I have forgotten what christmas felt like
Its just not the same
The happiness was taken from me;
I feel no more warmth
The joy that was taken from me;
I feel no more excitement
The love that was taken from me;
I feel no more company
The sadness that was brought to me;
Now i feel the tears
The anger that was brought to me;
Now i feel anxiety
The emptiness that was brought to me;
Now i feel the loneliness

Its all coming back
And i want it to stop
Nothing is working;
I thought this therapy was working
The therapy that i created to achieve a strength that is now fading away
Im feeling sick
Im feeling weak
Im feeling pained
And i cannot breathe
Im scared again
My fears have returned
Im scared again
My anxiety never learned
Im back to square one,
How it never made sense
I couldnt round off the edges into a circle
When i finally made that circle, i was in the middle and then i spun
Again it never stopped
Now the shape im in is pointed
I feel the thorns dig into my skin
I feel weak
I feel i cant feel
I feel numb
I feel i cant speak
I feel stiff
I feel i cant walk
I feel dizzy
I feel i cant breathe
I feel frozen
I feel i cant think
I feel pain
I feel im bleeding all over again

I acted as if everything was ok
I wanted to show everything was fine
I wanted to have everything hidden
I wanted to keep everything inside
I wanted it all to stop
I wanted to end the pain
I wanted to just bleed so i could start all over again
I showed no pain when i wanted to breathe
When i was alone, the anxiety strangled me
I showed no weakness when i wanted to fight
When i was alone, my strength ate me up inside
I showed i was happy when i wanted to cry
When i was alone, i drowned from my eyes
I showed i was calm when i wanted to be angry
When i was alone, everything took advantage of me
When i was strangled, i couldnt breathe
When the strength ate me up inside, i found my weakness and it brought me to my knees
On my knees i begged; i was drowning and i couldnt see
My eyes were covered it salty water and my lungs wouldnt set me free
I wanted to be set free, but i was being taken advantage of, i was lost
I became angry and my body suddenly collapsed
Everything was not ok
Everything was not fine
I continued to keep my arms hidden
I continued to be quiet inside
It hasnt stopped
The pain began again
I still bleed from the inside out
Im scarred and i want it all to end

I tried to breathe when his teeth released its pressure on my neck
His lips left a mark that gave me a teasing ******
before his head moved below my waist
His tongue finally took control while his hands controlled my body
I locked him in between
Then my legs started to become weak
I lost control once I felt that wet vibration inside of me
His fingers; digging
inside my tunnel, made my lungs work hard for oxygen
I saw my legs shake, but felt a feeling inside my body
I felt my legs shake, then I saw the feeling get stronger
Grasped everything I could reach, but I couldn’t hold on
I felt weakness while I trembled against his mouth

His face finally switched places with his hips
I was filled with a thicker weapon
The one that pushed up in my ribs
My neck was being abused;
getting marked up while I was hyperventilating
Losing air from everything, I couldn’t control how my body was reacting
He played the boss all night with all of his moves
And just as I thought all the positions were accomplished,
You showed me how I couldn’t handle the beating from your pelvis
You made a ponytail in my hair; the hair-tie was your hand
I was pulled back from a different position then I couldn’t move
My head was throbbing, but so was my
body
It was beautiful pain so I wanted more
Your love for my flexibility forced my legs onto your shoulders
Every minute was a different feeling
Every hour was a different position
There was nothing left for me to grab onto except your body
So i dug my nails in your skin,
scratching marks on your back on every spot you hit;
while your love bites left marks on my body

It was so noisy; felt like the bed was going to break
Uncontrollable sounds that I made
You were in charge of how I moved;
those ******* moments had my whole body in a quake
We were drenched; our bodies and the sheets
That big O you gave me, left me losing my voice from my screams

I hear the burning creeping up when Im about to breathe
I hear a bruise in my chest when my heart is about to pump
I hear the pressure in my head when its about to expand
I hear the numbness in my hands when they are about to crack
I hear the weakness inside my body as my strength wares off
I feel the burning in my throat when I try to breathe
I feel the bruises in my chest my heart makes, when it pumps aggressively
I feel the pressure in my head when it pounds hard
I feel numbness in my hands as I try to touch
I feel weakness within myself when I suddenly appear to change
I see redness inside my throat when my breathing gets worse
I see the bruises in my chest when my heart pumps faster
I see the pressure in my head as it blows up like a balloon
I see the numbness in my hands when they appear not to move
I see the weakness within myself when I notice Im falling on the floor to pieces
I hear,
I feel,
I see;
My body reacting.

Your upper body is strong,
While mine is weak.
Your hips r weak,
While mine are strong.
Your feet are strong,
While mine are weak.
Your hands are weak,
While mine are strong.
My legs are strong,
While yours are weak.
My arms are weak,
While yours are strong.
Your lips are strong,
While mine are weak.
Your eyes are weak,
While mine are strong.
Your upper body works mine,
While my hips work yours.
Your feet works mine,
While my hands work yours.
Your arms work mine,
While my legs work yours.
Your lips work mine,
While my eyes work yours.
In the end our minds are at the same level,
While our bodies are uneven.
In the end our minds are on the same page,
While our bodies are all over the place.
But in the end we wanted the same thing,
While in the end we did it different ways.

There was a story that was true
Each chapter was full of drama
Each page was full of heartache
Each word was full of tears
Each letter i tried to make disappear
As i read myself through,
I cry and then the ink washes away as it turns into my blood
My tears have tried to knock my chapters out
Inside my life a new chapter keeps happening;
And then i always wish it would all go away
My hurt has returned
Each ending is actually a beginning
I cant escape from the cover that tries to close me inside
All the pictures, dark with no explanation
My colours had no strength to reveal themselves
These words inside;
Inside its my head
Im writing and screaming; my mind through my hand
My hand is so tight as i write on myself
Im writing the words of my insides that im forcing out
The pencil im holding;
A strange looking pencil
This pencil is actually an addiction
Im so brainwashed from my mind
I never knew pencils had blades..
As i sit and read myself one last time,
I rip out the pages
Now its even worse
What did i do?
Now im torn
Now im split open
I feel more chapters have come back to harm me
My skin is bleeding;
This book has no ending

Attitude; is it just the teenage spirit
Yelling for nothing
Rude amongst the world
Mood swings; is this normal
The thoughts that run
The thoughts that walk
The thoughts that jump
My stomach is in knots from the switching
What emotion do i hold inside?
Insomnia; why is the bed pushing me away
Awake for days
What is sleep?
Hallucinations
Am i actually seeing things
Am i actually hearing things
My mind is playing games and tricking me
Anxiety; why cant i breathe
These anxiety attacks are beating me up
My heart is racing and its leading to...
Hyperventilation
The nerves put pressure on me
Im chocking;
Unbreathing;
And now its leading to...
Dizziness
I know im going to fall
Anger; my vocal cords are being scraped
Things thrown
The pulling of my hair
The slamming of my door
Yelling for nothing
Yelling so quickly
This will never stop
Depression; the sadness isnt leaving my body
Didnt want to leave the house
I wanted to drown in my tears
Turning away from everyone
Not wanting to talk to anyone
And the phone calls that i ignored
Made friends come save me from my jail
Everyday i drowned in my tears
Self-mutilation; the knife became my new best friend
I opened my own cuts
And forced the red liquid out of my body
My skin was so torn apart
But i wanted to bleed until i felt dizzy,
Until i hyperventilated
Until i felt so relaxed
It was my only escape
Promiscuous;
Left my friends for strangers
Everyday it was someone new
There was no caring
Not for them, and not for myself
Relationships were too challenging for me
I needed to relieve the stress
Road rage; i almost died
Driving away from it all
I needed to be free
Trapped once again,
My bones got damaged
Another story to tell
Now this is me: scarred for life
Physically, and mentally
Low self-esteem
Ugliness
Fat
Stupid
Just not worth anything
Impaired memory;
Memory loss stole all my strength
Everything i knew, i forgot
Everyone i knew, i forgot
Everything i owned, I misplaced
Im too young to forget
Shopping sprees;
Spending to have excitement
But then later my moods go back to normal
Alcoholic; drinking to create happiness
On the driveway
In my room
The love for intoxication was so normal to me
Denial; i was ok
I thought i was ok
I actually wasnt ok
Medication; my decision was finally positive
No going back,
No more killing my spirit
This is for life, but im finally alive
Medicated, but finally strong
Depression faded to happiness
Anger faded to excitement
Insomnia faded to sleeping patterns
Self-mutilation faded into throwing away all the weapons
Promiscuous faded into a relationship
Intoxication faded into being sober
Finally strong but controlled for life

Its getting in my way
Its ruining me
It screws with me inside
The poison is slowly killing me
I forgot the stranger is my mind
Never felt so trapped
I just wanna keep screaming
But as i scream im laughing at myself
Because only i can save me
I cannot give in
My mind wont let me
Only im tamed from a drug that fights deep inside me
My heart is attacked
Im struggling to breathe
Its all starting again
Its all coming back again
I just wanna be free
Im trying to hide
But where ?
Im trying to run
But where?
The path i chose was dark
Im still trying to find the end
Its so hard to follow
I cannot escape my mind
Im still fighting
Im still struggling
When will this end?
My body is getting too used to being controlled
Now i dont know what else to try
Off and on my switch never fails
My heart is beating so fast
As my lungs pump so hard
The air is cold
Im struggling to breathe
My thoughts are still dark
My thoughts make me scream
Its so dark,
Even in the day
Its so dark,
Im begging the light to stay
And im so tempted to touch the weapon
The one that made me bleed
Im so tempted to feel the air again
The air that made me dizzy
The violence has started again
My strength is all from anger
My tears are starting to drown me again
I can no longer control my nightmares
Once again im scared of my fears
My fears are of my mind
Once again the mirror shows that im still not able to fight

When your inside a box, you cant move
When you cant move, its because theres no holes
When the box has no holes, it will make it harder to breathe
When the water is dumped in the box, you panic
When you panic, its because your trapped
When your trapped, its because you cannot breathe
When you cannot breathe, its because your slowly drowning
The water keeps pouring inside the box that has you closed deep inside
Struggling
Fighting
You cannot breathe until the water is released
It keeps filling and your so deep inside
Deep inside a tiny room with no room to breathe
To struggle means screaming in silence
To scream silently means running with the fears that has you trapped
Closed inside with the nightmares
And your drowning with all the fears on top
They're alive while your dying
They laugh while your cry
They breathe while you lose all your air
You try to pull everyones oxygen to help your own breath
Lungs are weak
Nothing more to do then wait
Wait to see what you can conquer
And wait to see the next day
Fighting
Struggling
The lid wont come off
Fighting
Struggling
The box is too strong to receive holes
Fighting
Struggling
The box is overflowing
And its the mind thats does the drowning

So fragile
I dont want to move
Used to the point where im almost nothing
My mind is so tired
My body is so exhausted
One more step and ill fall
Im so shaky, im so dizzy
These thoughts that run through my head are adding stress
Im getting stretched
And soon im going to snap
Once im gone i wont come back
Pieces are slowly falling apart on me
Once i brake, im broken forever
No glue can make me whole again
No tape can attach what im losing in the end
Forced to undo myself, its hard to make myself stay
Weakness is stronger than strength
Im just fading away
My body is bending
My mind is twisting
My heart is stopping
Im going to stop breathing
My spirit wants to split
My soul is already ripping through my skin
My mind and body is slowly detaching themselves
And once im broken, im broken forever
Now im apart
Now im torn
Now im bleeding
Now im in separation from everything, everybody
The sharp air pierces my spirit
The sharp wind pierces my soul
The sharp negativity pierces my mind
The sharp knife pierces my skin
Now im in two pieces
One is gone forever

I started to run away from the mind that was chasing me all these years until finally my bones gave out
I accepted alot of heartache until the colour of my heart turned black
I kept appearing into the darkness and saw that nothing else helped me but the blades of a knife; who wanted to puncture me. the replaced my tears as i closed my eyes from relaxation
I met a stranger that friended me. A stranger that would only harm me. A stranger that was using me. A stranger that was me.
I saw that my soul was being stripped; and i was already to late to save myself

My bones that held me up became brittle as i ran
The heart that was warm turned cold when my mind stole it away
The skin that covered my weaknesses became scarred as i created harm
The mind that was sane became insane when the devil wanted to play
The soul that was living happy became dead as it fell into depression

After my bones became brittle, i broke
After my heart became cold, it shattered
After my skin became scarred, i bled
After my mind became insane, it erased
After my soul became depressed, it died

I just feel like my mind was shut down,
Heart was stopped,
Breathing has slowed down,
Muscles have gone relaxed,
& my body has just weakened all together.
The tears from my eyes,
Break the happiness within me;
When suddenly I just fall to the ground with anxiety.
My breathing is at the speed of my heart,
Witch is going too fast.
My strength leaves me,
& I dont know what to do.
Laying on the floor helpless;
Noone can hear my cries.
Laying on the floor bleeding inside and out;
Noone notices in my head Im about to die.
& when I try to walk,
My legs suddenly fail on me.
& when I try to crawl,
My arms wont give me any power.
Im on my stomach with my face to the floor.
Im screaming,
Im yelling,
Im crying out loud.
The mirror is my only witness;
& my soul is the only one that feels my pain.
My spirits try to take away all evil Im trying to let go of.
& I continue to lay;
Hoping My body breaks the silence,
As it regains its strength once again.
It was a sudden move.
When I get striked once,
It feels like im being striked a thousand times.
& its when you cant handle everything all at once.
Like a surprise;
You just shock yourself.
& I shock myself nonstop.

My face is like a porcelain doll
White;
Delicate;
But broken,
I cannot move
I cannot speak
I cannot see
I cannot breathe
My body is dead
My heart is cold
My mind is frozen
My bones are brittle
Everything is frozen
Im in a bubble that wont burst
And i cant even yell for help
My vocal cords snapped
My lungs have gotten weak
I need oxygen
I cannot breathe
My soul is torn,
My spirit has disappeared
How do i move
I cant
Not on my own;
Not without anyone
Im dead waiting to become alive again
Wake me up from this nightmare
I just want to be back to normal
I have forgotten who i was
I have forgotten everything
Undo this pain
Undo this life
Save me from myself
My mind is taking control
Save me from myself
My mind knows how to win
Save me from myself
I need to be alive again
Im frozen
Im confused
My body is in pain
My body was used
My bones are breaking
My skin is stripping
My veins are snapping
And im losing control all over again
Open my mouth
I need air
Just breathe in me
So i can function once again
Im so unfocused
Bring me back

I dont have time to catch my breath;
& its catching up to me.
My body has broken down;
With my head on the floor.
I kicked it so far that Im so lost.
So my pieces have fallen;
But they are too sharp to put back together.
My heart was stabbed.
My head was completely torn from my body.
& so I walk with strings attached to my soul.
Ive gone so numb.
Ive gone so mute.
Ive been suffocated.
The water that drowns me,
Are the tears I want to take back into my body.
If I continue to stop the air ,
The air will continue to stop forcing itself through my body.
I just want everything to end.
I want myself to end.
Hide my face,
To hide myself.
Numb the pain,
To numb myself.
Cut out blood,
To cut myself.
Break the mirror,
To break myself.
Strangle my throat,
To strangle myself.
Cut off the air,
To cut off myself.
Im losing all air,
So I breathe no more.

I chewed up my dreams
I choked on my fears
I swallowed my enemy
Now i shoot out tears
There is no air passing through my nose
No air passing through my mouth
No air passing through my throat
No air passing through my lungs
Everytime i breathe it hurts
It hurts to take a breath
It just feels like knives stabbing me
And a hand squeezing my chest
I feel like im a cave,
Closing in on myself
My walls are crushing me
Theres no room for me to yell
Its dark, i cannot see
I cant see where i am
Im claustrophobic inside
I cant find a spot to clear my head
My chest is heavy
My heart is broken
My body is shaky
My skin is wounded
My lungs got crushed
My bones are shattered
My veins had popped
My body is a disaster
I cant breathe
I have forgotten how to breathe
I stopped caring to breathe when i tried to stop myself from continuing
I cant breathe
Im trying to breathe
I started to open my lungs
I just wanna be un-weak
I can breathe now
But my breathing is a mess
Im breathing fast now
Im hyperventilating in distress
I still cannot breathe

I appear in tears.
Tears that wash my pieces away.
All I can see,
& all I can feel;
Is my body splitting.
The pieces on the floor.
I have been cut so many times,
& finally,
I am now chopped up.
So instead of a little blood;
I appear to have a river of blood.
That flows constantly on the floor.
& comes from my bleeding heart.
My head has been ******* with.
My heart has been played with.
& my body has been abused.
The killer is my own self.
Because I was so strong.
My weaknesses got to me.
& so I have lost all strength.
I just feel like a porcelain doll;
Controlled while held;
& suddenly shattered to pieces.
The owner is once again;
My own self.
Clumsy with my body;
I let myself slip & fall.
My mind has controlled my strength,
& brought it down to weakness.
Each part of my body suddenly weakened & gave up.
I cannot see anymore,
Because my eyes have lost vision.
I cannot breathe anymore,
Because my nose blocks the air.
I cannot speak anymore,
Because my mouth closed on me.
I cannot hear anymore,
Because my eardrums stopped working.
I cannot feel anymore,
Because I have gone numb.
I cannot walk anymore,
Because my legs have given up on me.
My body has just stopped working.
& Ive stopped caring for myself.
I let myself go;
& Im now in pieces;
Because I let everything break me.
& Im to the point where I wanna completely disappear..

This is where i got struck
Through my body i pierced myself with negativity
This is where i lay
Unable to get up;
Unable to find the strength
This is where i lost my mind;
It was just so easy to turn the other side
This is where i always cried;
Tragic losses and my place to run & hide
This is where i lost my breath;
Trapped within the hypertension anxiety
This is where i dreamt the nightmares;
Choking in the night and the fear i wish left behind
This is where i became frozen
The past moved closer to me and caused my mind to be still
This is where my mistakes were made
I moved before i thought and then in the end i felt the pain
This is where i hurt
Dangerous actions when i taught myself how to bleed the right way
This is where i was intoxicated
Erasing my memories;
And the past that haunts me
This is where i gave up
I lost it all;
Until i began again
This is where i stand
Im finally up but the pieces still remain