every part of you wants to break free from whatever kind of pain this is
it is not the pain of losing someone to the heavens,
but instead of losing someone who is literally an arms length away
straight in front of you, so close you can smell her
touch her
so close you can speak to her

but she does not hear you
she does not feel you
she does not see you

and still, you will have hope
maybe, just maybe she will reciprocate the love

but,

you know what they say about hope, breeds eternal misery

and you will die
every porcelain bone in your body will shatter, your steady breathing will race, your mind will clutter
and your body will collapse

but you will wake up the next morning still breathing,
the sun will still be shining
the birds will still be chirping
the world will still be moving

it never stopped
time never ceased

but for you,

it did, and you died

and you are just a walking corpse now, going through the motions

Look, I’m gonna get straight to the point

see, I’ve been missing you for a while now 

and you know, it’s not the kind that makes me just wish you were here but the kind that drags me to my knees begging for breath, or to just stop it 

I don’t know man, you really ****** me up 

I’m having no luck w living this life w out you 

And tbh I don’t really want to

So could you stop being a lil ***** and kiss my neck again? 

I pray to ******* god, & I swear I don’t even believe in him, that you come back

I’m not sure if you meant to leave me to drown but you sure as hell did 

I’m trying not to remember but youre not exactly easy to forget

Especially the nights we drove in the car for hours and listened to music

I’d turn it up, you’d turn it down & then the talking would start 

And ****, I know..trust me..i know, we were never together but we were ******* something, weren’t we?

It’s gotten so bad that I’ve leaked a few words to my mother 
& relapsed w cutting 

******* you, ya lil ****** 
Fuckfuckfuck I can’t stop thinking about your stupid little laugh that I swear to Jesus Christ patched a tiny hole in my heart
I’m sorry this should be beautiful but honestly there’s nothing beautiful about you tearing me apart


How am I dying & you didn’t even flinch?

Bubby, all I needed was  you to take me away
You disappeared without me,
It's been two years since you left
You have your own family now

Two gorgeous daughters, and I wish they new me

My heart is coming through my chest, I don't think I'll have one soon

Bubby, all I wanted was to see you one more time
You didn't care though
Remember the day you told me to jump again? You said I was nothing

And im starting to feel that way.

I remember all those summer nights sitting on my rooftop smoking cigarettes while we would talk for hours on the phone

And I wish that I'd forget

I remember telling you I wished I'd never met you and how much of a ******* you were
Cause you broke my heart

And I wish that I'd forget

I remember how good it felt when you kissed me and the day we had ***, oh I thought it was love

And I wish that I'd forget

I remember how good you smelled and the way you smiled when you would get shy

And I wish that I'd forget

Do you remember when we compared hands? Yours were so big placed in the palm of mine

Do you wish you'd forget?

Ill carve your name into my forehead so every time I look into the mirror ill die a little more inside
Because your gone and I'm torn
I can't cope

So much for cardiac muscle because it ripped in half like a thin piece of paper

Ill stay up for three days and three nights writing you poetry you'll never read
And I'll burn it on my leg so it can soak into me, I'll never forget you that way

People will try to say kind words and ill save them in a canaster so I can sit them on your grave at midnight

Ill believe you will be coming back, ill live in denial

You're gone and I can't breathe
Words have escaped me

Maybe ill go to see you tonight
Oh please don't save me

Self destruction is my forte
It's so simple and relaxing in an inexplicable sense

****** knuckles, cracked from a wall
Scarred thighs, torn from a handy razor
Bruised arms, beaten from hardy hands
Red-ringed wrists, from a snapping rubber band

And it feels so good that I can't stop

'Mutilating' is how the doctors see it but 'saving grace' is how I feel it

And if one day my self destruction takes an unexpected turn to demise, know I cared for the weak and my family and music was a beautiful time consumer, but my time had come and down I went, but never without a fight

And when you sing to me mother, sing the songs you always hated
And when you search through my belongings, throw away all my hatred letters, you mustn't remember me that way
And when you finally paint, make it galaxies
They were always my favorite

You thought I had a heart
Until you learned it was carved from stone

It bled for you once, but you took it for granted

And he, he was so sad
And oh, so lonely

Until one night he jumped into the lake and swam to the bottom where he tied himself to drown

And I couldn't go on living with an empty space
So stone was carved
And my heart, he was replaced