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Ashleigh Kelco Oct 2012
Have you ever felt alone in a crowded room?
Been surrounded by friends and lovers,
but yet an emptiness still sits in your chest?
Have you ever laughed, or smiled,
but felt the tears well up when you close your eyes?
Have you ever felt isolated,
while the whole room is held together?
Forgotten about and taken away
to a place where your heart knows some companionship?
Flicking out the ashes of your cigarette,
knowing each breath might be your last?
Have you ever listened to the sympathy,
but retained none of it?
Your mind remains blank and distorted.
The pain of past problems and demands
rises to the surface bringing new sorrows.
So you sit, writing out a new poem or story,
trying to figure out what's going wrong.
Where you went wrong.
Everything is always wrong.
Ashleigh Kelco Nov 2012
Happy endings are obsolete.
All of these fairytales are lying.
Their half-assed stories are giving us false hope.
What's there to smile about?
We live in a world where  money overpowers love.
Where a kid will get killed
for the dirt bike she rode on.
We've forgotten where we've come from.
But everyone's rushing,
and trying to move forward.
We look to the future
instead of thinking about our pasts.
While they don't define us,
they created us.
But we hide them and conceal them;
skeletons are meant to stay dead.
But they're there, dancing and smiling.
Waiting until you slip up.
They'll come falling out of
your picture-perfect life.
And who will be there to
push them back in?
The monsters are under your bed
and in your head.
They creep in your closet
and inside of your heart.
But you'll close your eyes
to block out the demons.
One world full of
close-minded, blind individuals.
They'll turn their heads to the violence.
We're desensitized.
A media-fueled aggressive culture.
Nothing can change,
one will always hate.
Happily ever after is full of ****
in this ****** up story we live in.
Not trying to be political. Watched a documentary in my communications class and got kind of riled up about how horrible the world we live in is becoming.
Ashleigh Kelco Feb 2013
I stand alone,
wind blowing around me
at the end of my time.
A shattered being
that at some point had resembled a human.

The sky is black and
scattered stars light up the wold around me.
How could such a beautiful world
bring so much agony?

I am so completely alone.
Water rushes across my feet;
a sign that the tide is rising.
How peaceful it would be
to become one with the waves.
How lovely it would be
to never hurt again.

I'm standing here screaming
'Please, God, take my life.'
But he isn't listening.
So I rip at my flesh and
beckon sweet death.
But it does not arrive.

I sit back and watch my life
become destroyed and devastated.
One simple mistake,
and now I have to pay for it.
My job and my future career,
even school and friends.
Gone-they're never coming back.

How am I meant to survive
with nothing left to fight for?
I can smile and make believe,
but my eyes are dead.

As I watch the stars twinkle above me,
I close my eyes and breathe, whispering
"Death, come to me.'
I just don't know anymore.
Ashleigh Kelco Sep 2013
Darkness surrounds me with
voices emerging from the haze.
“Do you remember when we first did this?
She didn’t wake up for days."
There's laughter and the
clinking of glass on glass;
a sound that used to be melodic.
        A lighter flicks on;
Inhale. Exhale.
I struggle to wake up,
my limbs pushing through tar;
I could barely breathe.
“Yeah, I remember. She learned her place real good then.
She'll never talk back to us again.”
Their laughter is in the distance,
followed by zippers being fixed and footsteps.
I fight through the tar, my eyes glued shut.
I break the surface, and my eyes spring open.
The curtains are drawn, and the room is dark;
It's nighttime.
There are 10 of them sitting on the couches;
drinking, laughing, doing drugs.
My fingers begin to move and
I can feel the air moving in and out of my lungs.
But the relief is short-lived,
cut short by a sharp pain in my ribs.
I could feel them creaking, sickeningly bruised.

Just count to 3.
1.
2.
3.
My body is upright, but I'm freezing;
my clothes are strewn around the room:
shorts, shirt, bra and underwear.
I'm naked.
I try to crawl and collect my things:
Bra, shirt, underwear, shorts.
Be steady, keep it steady.
“Looks like the ***** has decided to rejoin us.
Why don’t you come sit with us, baby?”
I turn my head as my hands tremble.
They’re watching me like hungry dogs.
Focus, clear your head, don’t be angry.
“O-okay.”
Put one foot in front of the other and walk
Eyes on my back, eyes on my front;
they're scanning, waiting, drooling.
I'm surrounded by monsters.
Pigs that are grinning and laughing.
“You were out for a few hours there, had us a bit worried.”
Nod your head and stare straight ahead.
Do not make eye contact.

“When I speak to you, you ******* look at me.”
Again comes the instant pain.
My hair yanked back while my eyes water.
I turn my head and create the eye contact he desired.
“I’m sorry.”
Mumble, act sorry, do not get angry.
“What was that?”
There's sweetness laced with poison in those words.
Walk away quickly and play it off.
“I said ‘sorry.’ Are you deaf?”
It's silent again,
I can hear my heart racing in my chest.
The floorboards creak,
and his footsteps echo in my head.
He's there, his hand wrapping around my arm;
Squeezing harder and harder.
I turn around and make eye contact.
What have I done?
“Don’t you understand?
Do you ever ******* listen?
What will it take for you to learn?"
His fist hits before I'm ready:
stomach, arms, legs and chest.
Close your eyes, it’ll be okay.
Pretend like it isn’t happening.

“Answer me, you *****, answer me!”
Everyone is advancing.
Stay quiet, don’t even breathe.
The cracked tile is cool against my skin,
but there's feet, kicking and stomping,
steel-toed boots hitting with exquisite accuracy.
Open your eyes for one last glance
The edges are blurring.
Keep conscious Ash, you don’t want to lose it right now.
Just breathe and ignore the pain, it’ll be done soon.

And as I succumb to the darkness,
one voice rises above the rest:
“Do whatever you want to her, I don’t care.”
Zippers come undone and pants hit the floor.
Their laughter rattles in my chest.
Their hands are everywhere.
Struggle, fight back Ashleigh.
Do something.

They are everywhere,
touching, grabbing, biting;
****** me.
Just go to sleep now. It’s just a dream.
**It’ll all be over soon.
Fall to sleep at 10, wake up at midnight, a flashback still in your mind.

This is what i do every night. This is what I relive, every night. And most nights I can handle it, but tonight I couldn't.
Writing is my saving grace.
Ashleigh Kelco Feb 2013
How does it feel to be like you?
Constantly lying and deceiving;
your lips can never quit moving.
You spit out these stories,
hoping everyone will believe you.
You're desperate for attention,
but nobody's listening.
So fake your tears one more time.
Three strikes and you're out.
There's no wolf sitting on the hill.
Ashleigh Kelco Feb 2013
Becoming an actress was
never in my plans.
Faking a smile or a laugh
was something those plastic girls
in school had perfected-not me.
But soon it became apparent
that nobody was listening.
I was running out of friends
and people to turn to.
They were always busy;
something I could never get used to.
Why make time for the girl
who can't seem to fix herself?

Struggling to put the pieces of
my tattered soul together,
new friends popped up.
Some Tequila, Captain Morgan,
***** and Whiskey.
"Take this shot, do this drug"
I was never too good with pressure.

So I'll take a few more drinks,
pop a few more pills
and maybe sleep tonight.
And in my hazy dreams
I'm surrounded by my friends
in this blissful numbness;
watching as everything falls apart.
Ashleigh Kelco Oct 2012
You live at the bottom of a bottle,
your life supply not the air you breathe,
but the drugs you ingest.
The pills, the powders,
trapping you in a permanent haze.
You're stuck.
The alcohol your only friend.
When does it stop?
Is the pain too steep?
Agony seeps into your veins.
Malicious intent creeping through your daily turmoils.
Your future is bleak.
Inner pain ripping you to shreds.
You self medicate, but it'll never stop.
There is only one way out.
It was all too much.
Another life lost to the monsters in the closet.
Ashleigh Kelco Nov 2014
"We'll talk to you when you're better."
                          "You're too much stress right now."
"I'm sorry that happened, but-"

Better?
What the hell does that mean?
Does depression just disappear?
Does it sink into the ground,
never again rearing it's ugly head?
If so, when does it leave?
Because 8 years is a pretty long time.
A pretty long time
to always be watching your back.
To feel like there's a pressure,
a sickening weight
sitting on your chest.
8 years feels like a ******* eternity
when you can't sleep at night.
When you cry over anything
and everything.
When your anxiety gets so **** bad
you can't leave your bed.

But no,
I am the one causing the stress.
Because I ask for help?
For mercy when I **** up?
All I ever asked was for you
to see me through the horrible,
wretched, gut-punching sadness.
To hold my hand while I cry,
and to laugh when my day is good.

Instead I got pushed away.
Told I was "too much drama"
So instead,
I'm losing friends who meant the world
to my aching heart.
Instead,
I'm sitting alone,
watching as they become best friends.
How is that fair?
Why should I sit back and watch
as they love their lives?
Because what's really wrong in their lives?
3 years of friendship down in the gutter.
Memories, laughs, tears.
Random drives, haunted houses.
Gone

I'm just left with the pictures
forcing myself to relive the moments;
now forever lost in time.
"We'll talk to you when you're better."

*there is no getting better
Ashleigh Kelco Oct 2012
You're trying to build
on something that's breaking down.
There's cracks in the foundations
of what was once a magnificent palace.
Our love once the glue holding us together.
Now it's dried up, musty and *****,
leaving our feelings blowing in the wind.
What was once a beautiful feeling
now lay dead and cold on the ground.
Our bliss evaporated,
replaced by jealousy and hate.
Where did we go wrong?
When did it become normal to feel so
alone?
The tears and the screaming,
your eyes dull and lackluster.
You cracked through my walls
left a storm in my home,
then left, fixing the wall you broke.
But even things mended will never
return to the same glamor they once held.
Ashleigh Kelco Sep 2013
Where did all these years go?
How did we drift apart?
I was once your little girl,
and you were once my hero.
When did I become
your emotional punching bag?
I can't pretend your words don't hurt,
when they used to be encouraging.
You were my mentor, my coach;
I thought that you knew everything.
But now it's clear that I'm just ****,
and you know absolutely nothing.
I'm older now, I see through your lies.
There's nothing but hatred behind your eyes.
I'm standing here bleeding, daddy.
Are you still proud of me?
Do you still love me?
Or am I imaginary?
I don't like the wars we fight,
my heart can't bear the pain.
When will this be over?
When will you care again?
Please don't hate me, daddy.
I'll always be your little girl.
Ashleigh Kelco Jan 2013
I'm trapped in my head,
and there's no way out.
I'm screaming and crying,
but there's no one to hear me.
Can't you tell I'm dying here?
There's no longer a life-line
for me to hang on to.
I'm drowning in here.
I'm struggling to take a breath.
I'll smile to prove I'm okay,
but the hurt on your face
haunts me every day.
I can't help the dreams
or the flashbacks which keep me screaming.
Self-medication won't take away
the constant throb of pain.
I'm hurting the ones I love
with the thoughts in my head.
The crossroads of red
are the only things making me feel alive.
I'm an actress;
everything will be alright
as long as I keep pretending.
Ashleigh Kelco Oct 2012
Your words cut through the silence,
a thick blade tearing me to pieces.
Another fight has left me broken and shaken
why can't you see what you're doing to me?
I'm sick of all the tears;
your words lingering in my head.
Pretending can only get us so far-
this will never change.
Can you believe it?
You used to be my hero.
I sought solace in your arms,
your touch the comfort I always needed.
I was always "daddy's little angel.'
Now I'm daddy's little zero.
You wonder why we never speak,
and why I always cease to smile.
Your footsteps leave me anxious,
your vindictive words and spontaneous threats
have ripped my soul to shreds.
Maybe there is hope somewhere down the road,
a father's love no one can replace.
Until then, "we're okay"
but my sadness you shall never know.
This was incredibly hard for me to write...Bringing up past memories, emotions. But it's like a weight off my chest.
Enjoy.
Ashleigh Kelco Oct 2012
Stabbed in the back,
but you feel no pain.
You're pushing
but they always push back.
They leave you speechless
with your mouth wide open.
You want to speak the truth
but it sits there; words unspoken.
You're running to where He is,
but you will never get there.
Aching for their words
but they always leave you guessing.
Wondering what's next,
what's coming around the corner.
It's one step forward
then three steps back.
They keep you fighting and on your toes.
A circular path in which you can never move forward.
But you will find your way.
Ashleigh Kelco Oct 2012
Where are you?
Is it beautiful?
Are you beautiful?
Take me away.
I want to be lovely too.
Is it everything we believed?
Can you even see me?
Are you watching over me?
Am I living up to everything
you expected of me?
Take me with you.
I want to watch too.
Can you fly
with blinding white wings
and a halo on your head?
Are you alone?
Take me with you.
I want to fly too.
Ashleigh Kelco Nov 2012
It has been four years,
and I'm still an antidepressant away
from completely losing my mind.
The roses on your grave
have all deteriorated and died.
My heart has a hole
where you're meant to be.
And maybe that place
has been dead for awhile.
I can't even cry,
because there are no tears left.
You stole them away
when you took your last breath.
I screamed, did you know?
It was a new kind of pain,
not one I was used to.
I was led down some path.
It was dark and all twisted.
I couldn't get out; I was eaten alive.
These scars remind me
that this is not my imagination.
If I could rip out my heart,
I would give it to you.
Just to see what it would be like
to say goodbye.
Would you still love me
if you saw me these days?
Or would you turn your back
like everyone else?
It's been four long years,
but you're always on my mind.
It's like a knife in the gut,
twisting and turning.
Your face haunts my dreams,
but it's slowly fading.
Soon it will be forgotten;
a small glimmer in the breeze.
But a small voice will remind me
you are somewhere,
resting with ease.
I still remember, Josh. I always will.
Ashleigh Kelco Apr 2013
Have you ever felt alone
surrounded by a group of people?
Their eyes on others,
who are begging for attention.
And you sit and sit,
but no one notices.
Where did it all change?
When did ignorance become bliss?
How can you feel so isolated
when everyone's there?
And they say they'll listen
and that they'll be kind,
but how can they
when you're left behind?
Can you even call them friends,
when they won't answer your calls?
Or won't tell you the truth?
When they'd rather run away
than confront the issues?
But you stay stuck and
hurting in this purgatory.
The life of a ghost girl
living between friendship and hate.
Ashleigh Kelco Nov 2012
I can't fight anymore,
I've given all I can give.
You've been gone for so long,
and all I have are memories.
Why do I try?
I know I'm gonna fall down.
I could scream in your face,
but you would never hear me.
Your blank expression
keeps me guessing.
I would give up my life
to hear you say "I love you"
Your silence hurts more
than your fists ever could.
I'm standing here dying, daddy.
Where have you gone?
It hurts to know
you will never support me.
No matter what I do,
I am never good enough for you.
I just want you to say
"Hey, you did great!"
and love me for me,
but I'd be hoping for pigs to fly.
I'm never going to live up to
your high expectations.
Maybe you'd miss me
if I was dead.
not a good night. i think too much.
Ashleigh Kelco Oct 2012
There you lie,
body sprawled across the floor.
Tattered, scattered, ripped up pieces;
Addicted so helplessly.
Your veins flood with poison,
Your lungs fill with smoke.
Those promises break easy,
Don't they?
When you're left out alone?
Who's your friend, in that place
Of horrors and nightmares?
Nobody but the drugs you need,
And the other dead bodies
Whose skin's just like yours;
Pale white-paper thin.
No life left in those eyes;
Mind's blank since the the end
Of the life you once lived.
This is coming from personal experience. Another tough one to get through.
Ashleigh Kelco Oct 2013
I don't know where to turn,
what to do,
who to go to.
My brain is ****** up,
broken-
Thoughts misconstrued; misspoken.
I stumble over my words,
unable to put a clear sentence together.
I claw at the fog,
scream at the darkness
but there's no one there.
How do I fight back,
when I'm fighting myself?
I want to go back to
the things i used to do.
Rip at the flesh and bleed out the pain,
over and over again.
I want to drink myself to numbness,
smoke away the agony.
I want to slip into obscurity.
Please, please help me.
Ashleigh Kelco Dec 2013
So it's 3 weeks 'till Christmas,
when everyone is supposed to be cheerful.
Yet working at a retail store,
reminds me that nobody is thankful.
I cannot create products for you
that we've never carried.
I can't teleport products from other stores
in just 24 hours.
Sometimes products DON'T WORK
and I can't fix them for you.
And sometimes things just don't go
exactly how you want them to.
I work 6 days a week and 8 hour shifts
to clean a store you get to destroy.
So do not come at me complaining of stress.
I understand it's the season
to worry about money and family
but I have the same troubles.
Do not take your problems out on me,
or my fellow employees.
We're only ******* human.
I get paid $7.75,
which is not nearly enough to deal with your abuse.
So learn to be more kind,
because I'm pretty close to snapping
on your ancient, decrepit face.
WORKING IN RETAIL FOR CHRISTMAS IS THE WORST THING EVER.
Ashleigh Kelco Nov 2012
If I could, I would make sure
you never took another breath.
If I could, I would break your bones,
the way you tortured mine.
And if I could, I'd count the minutes
while I watched you burn alive.
If I could, I'd laugh out loud
while you were sobbing on the ground.
I would take the time to have a beer
and have all my friends gather around.
I'd hope you would look up at me,
the way I raised my eyes to you.
If I could, I'd ignore your begging,
the way you ignored mine.
And if I could, I'd show you
what it was like to feel half-alive.
But, alas, these things I cannot do,
for I am different-not like you.
I have a heart and I have a soul,
bandaged and healing, but there.
If I could, I would walk away.
I am different-not like you.
trying to keep up writing. it's difficult with my book, but here's a different kind of writing style from me. I try to stay away from rhymes, but it flowed nicely like this in my head.
Ashleigh Kelco Oct 2012
There was a fire in your eyes
in the beginning;
A scream in your voice,
but you were never heard.
"Nobody cares."
They always informed you.
You were the imaginary child,
always fading into the background.
You waded through life
barely half alive.
But one night you called out,
breaking your silence.
It was too late,
your decision already made.
Mom and dad ran,
finally realizing your sadness.
But you were already gone.
Then everyone knew you-
your achievements and goals.
They mourned, but soon you were forgotten.
You were the imaginary child,
evaporated from memory.
Ashleigh Kelco Oct 2012
As we sat so silently,
cross-legged in the grass.
We watched the reds and purples turn
slowly into black.

Memories that never fade;
The New York skyline shining bright.
Climbing trees in summer time
our knees scuffed up from the height.

Fighting over music choice,
sledding down white hills of snow.
The times we stayed up extra late,
watching movies we didn't know.

The nights it rained for hours,
and the countless board game wars.
The days of making funny faces
at other people's cars.

Those little moments lost in time,
but as memories they remain.
Even though you're gone for now,
I'll never forget those days.
On April 23, 2008, my life was ultimately changed forever. I lost the person who I considered my best friend. This is to him and all the memories we shared.
Ashleigh Kelco Nov 2012
The first time we sat together,
just you and I,
I rolled up my sleeves to show you
the secrets I kept hidden there.
My nerves were going crazy,
and I felt sick to my stomach.
You looked and you scanned
the rows of scars across my arms.
I never spoke of them directly,
but I told you I was lost once,
lost to myself and everyone around.
I told you there were things I did
just to survive myself.
You never spoke,
and I grabbed your hand,
bringing it over the ridged flesh.
Even with all of these deformities,
in your eyes I'm still beautiful.
Ashleigh Kelco Oct 2012
Face first on the ground,
Everyone's staring and looking for more.
But what in the world could they possibly do?
So they stand and they watch
as the beauty erodes.

Let the poison flood your veins.
Let your memories all fade away.
You're all alone as you take your trip,
down the cold, dark lane that you call home.

They watched her come back,
eyes clouded and misty.
Forgotten faces and crumbled daydreams.
They could never get to know her.

Get a little higher sweetie,
the voices all would shout.
Yeah, get a little higher honey.
Let your demons come out to play.
Shoot the poison up, baby.
See what happens to you
Yeah, get a little higher,
We won't remember you when you're dead.

She let the poison flood her veins,
They sat and watched as she faded away.
She took her last trip down that lonely road.
Did she ever have something to gain?

They whispered their goodbyes,
as they stood above her grave.
They watched as the dirt filled her up.
There was nothing left to say.
Ashleigh Kelco Oct 2012
When you are born you must:
learn to crawl,
learn to walk,
and learn to talk.
You grow up and go to school to:
learn math,
learn english,
and learn science.
Graduate.
Choose your major.
Learn medicine,
learn computers,
maybe learn to teach.
But you are you?
Your morals and values?
What do you really know?
Brought up by a cruel society
that is fueled by the desire to make us bright.
But what are the things that haunt your dreams at night?
How much are you wiling to give
without anything to take?
Who do you live for
when you have no money to make?
Wake up now,
go and brush your teeth.
Go to a job you hate.
Rinse and repeat.
Live for you, not anyone else.
Learn for you, before you lose yourself.
Ashleigh Kelco Oct 2012
I feel so trapped and I can’t escape.
I really am stuck in this godforsaken place.
The walls are closing in,
pushing me down and holding me back.
I could scream for hours,
but no one would ever hear me.
The lid of this box is taped shut
and I’m suffocating in here.
The pain bites into my arm,
criss-crossed streets painted crimson red.
I can’t handle living in this hellhole anymore.

Is this what you wanted?
Did you want something more?
Even in this moment of weakness
I will never live up to your high expectations.
You are a fly that gets stuck in my head,
yelling out insults while my subconscious shudders.

I’m worthless and pathetic?
Are you talking to the mirror again?
Take a long hard look at the girl you destroyed.
While she’s standing there bleeding,
you still demand so much more.

“You deserve everything that’s happened,
you’re an ungrateful, useless *****.”
Just shout your obscenities one more time.
Where will you be without your emotional punching bag?
You are nothing without your words.
A big hulk of a man with darkness behind your eyes.

Just hit me one more time,
I relish in that instant pain.
This agony preferred over your emotional slurs.
You are nothing but a poor excuse for a father.
A look inside the life of Ashleigh. I'm so stuck and tormented right now all I could do was write.
Ashleigh Kelco Nov 2014
As sleep washes over me,
I'm reminded of you again.
Your dead, cold eyes
and that sly, sick smile.
I remember how at first
everything was perfect.
You were the epitome of
the handsome, dark gentleman.
Dates and movie nights;
flowers at my doorstep.
I thought I was in love.
I thought we could take on the world
together.

But the nights grew cold.
The flowers shriveled and died.
Date nights and movie nights
became parties.
I was too young to know
that beer tasted like ****.
And I was too young to understand
that love was not shown with fists.

Nothing I did was good enough;
nothing could satisfy your needs.
You always thirsted for more
than my young body could give.
No became a useless word-
What good did it do, anyway?
You always took what you wanted.

Compliments and kind words
morphed into hideous insults
and painful slurs.
Ideas that still haunt my mind.
How can I feel beautiful,
when you always put me down?
Always told me nobody loved me
like you did.
That I was fat and ugly,
and weak beyond reason.

Why do I still suffer?
8 years and you still have a hold
on my broken and aching heart.
I can't handle these nightmares;
the agony of your calloused hands
around my bruised throat.
Your cracked lips telling me
to shut my mouth.
That my screaming would get me
nowhere.
I can still feel the pain from
my "first time."
When you told me I was a good girl,
right before you beat me unconscious.
I can still feel your breath on my neck
as your friends held me down
and took what they desired.

I can't even sleep at night
without checking to make sure
all of the doors are locked tight.
Can't even kiss my fiance without
seeing your face staring back at me.
8 years ago began my nightmare,
and even though you're behind bars,
the pain still rips me apart.
How much longer will I suffer,
before you get what you really wanted?
How many more years will I fake a smile,
while praying you'll never get out?
These memories still linger in my head,
threatening to burst out.
I wish for just one day of peace,
before I can no longer go on.
Ashleigh Kelco Oct 2013
Alone and lost
she sits on her bed
crumpled paper on the floor
a heavy ache in her chest.
No one said it would be easy;
remembering the good is simple,
but the bad doesn't want to surface.
Afraid to love,
she dates boys who want one thing,
refusing to let another one hurt her.
But she became vulnerable,
her heart reaching out to someone
3,000 miles away.
He's a boy with some issues
but together they fix each other.

She picks up the pen,
inspiration coming hard.
She faces skype,
smiling at the man
who glued her heart together again.
The words flow from her fingers;
he is her savior,
giving her the strength to move on.
Writing was her only light,
but now there's something else to focus on.
And she doesn't mind at all.
I love you, Thad. <3
Ashleigh Kelco Oct 2012
You're standing on a ledge
feet hanging over the edge.
Life's decisions come back,
haunting you and judging you.
Time flies by.
Minutes turn to hours;
hours turn to days.
It stops for no one.
Memories come back of
past deeds, past greed.
Is this it?
You are completely alone.
Not a single thing will follow you
into this precipice.
Everyone is waiting,
there's no turning back.
Jump.
Ashleigh Kelco Oct 2012
Memories that taunt us and haunt us.
Memories that break us down.
We are the broken, beaten, glass children.
We shine in the happiness
and shatter in the sadness.
Life a constant struggle;
we must battle on.
Everything stolen but not forgotten.
Take a breath and close your eyes.
Nightmares will not hurt or destroy you.
Smile.
We are strong enough.
Ashleigh Kelco Feb 2013
As the years tick on,
my memories remain.
You were so broken;
drugs your only friend.
But you smiled at me,
and I wanted to take your pain away.

Your hand fit mine
just like a puzzle piece.
Inseparable we became,
and the drugs slowly faded out.

You would take me to parks,
and we'd watch the sun set.
The colors were always clearer
with you by my side.

And even as I struggled,
you never left me.
You healed all my wounds
and showed me that not everyone was bad.
You would hold me through the tears,
and talk to me through the nightmares.

Sometimes I still find the notes
you had hid around my room.
I wonder if you can see me,
atop your pearly white cloud.
And I wonder if you miss me
like I constantly miss you.

I'm told to move on-
that dwelling on ghosts
is a terrible habit.
But how do you move on
from someone who meant everything to you?

Maybe we'll meet again
somewhere up in heaven.
Like two missing pieces
to the same damaged puzzle.
Ashleigh Kelco Jan 2013
A mistake was made.
I was in the wrong place
at the wrong time
and suddenly
my life is over.
Dreams and ambitions
are completely shattered.
The job I had once loved
is ripped from my dead hands.
I stand and scream at the God
I believe is no longer there.
Numbness is a cloud that
drapes over my body
blanketing me in depression.
This is the end.
everything has completely fallen apart.
Ashleigh Kelco Oct 2012
Scream.
You can't wake up.
The darkness surrounds you and encloses you.
Run.
There is no getting away from the man in the mask.
He's gaining on you.
Hide.
There's nowhere to go.
Just a dark hallway and the
footsteps.
Tap
     tap
         tap
             tap
rattling against the floorboards.
Silence.
Are you alone?
Don't turn around.
He's there.
Breathing.
"Take off the mask."
Who will you see?
It's you.
Ashleigh Kelco Aug 2013
How do you close your eyes
when you know what's coming?
Plagued by these nightmares,
all too real to forget.
Too scared to speak up;
words lost in a cloud of terror.
Where can you run to,
when friends have heard it all before?
How many sleepless nights spent crying,
forcing yourself to block out their faces?
Even screaming can't save you.
You are alone,
trapped in a world that is not your own.
Here, the monsters come to play,
your happiness and joy their desire.
Repression only delays the pain;
flashbacks will come,
even those you try to erase.
And as the sun rises, you are free and alone,
Counting down the hours until
you are taken over again.
Hey guys, sorry I've been gone for awhile. Trying to work my life out, trying to heal. Maybe it isn't really working.
Ashleigh Kelco Oct 2012
We are the people that you created.
A generation going nowhere.
We are the kids that you hate.
Brought up by fear and paranoia.
The technology era,
distinguished by guns and violence.
Raised and spoiled;
aggression and hate the new emotions.
Alienated from each other.
Passion and empathy completely diminished.
A dystopian world,
ruled by liars and thieves.
Pain is coupled with pleasure.
Angst and depression consuming the minds.
Break away from the hate.
Become a better generation.
We are not the nowhere kids.
Ashleigh Kelco Oct 2012
Keep your head above the water
while they drown in the under-toe.
Take a breath,
the salty air stings your lungs.
The waves are coming,
swim for the shore.
Too late.
The waves overtake you.
Come up for air,
spit and gasp.
Where are you?
They're calling for your help,
drowning below you,
trying to pull you down.
Just breathe.
Swim with the flow of the water.
Feel the sand beneath your feet.
Keep your head up,
freedom is in your fingertips.
This is for anyone who has ever felt like they were struggling with negativity, peer pressure, or just the constant difficulty of helping everyone. Keep your head up.
Ashleigh Kelco Oct 2012
Can't you see what you have done?
Broken me down and beaten me to the bone.
“No” has become meaningless and pointless.
Your words echo around my brain
where shattered memories lay in waiting.
You've ripped my body completely in half.
Wake up, please wake up.
It’s just another dark day
living in the place commonly known as Hell.
The demons are real and they live inside of me.
I can't fight them off.
As my strength is fading,
I pray to God that he'll just show up.
Can you hear me?
It’ll all be over soon.
Can you hear my heart beating?
Slower,
             slower,
                         stopped.
Can you hear me?
Open your eyes and breathe.
You have taken everything from me.
Listening to them laughing, teasing and cat-calling.
He’s grinning again, insatiable and ludicrous.
It's not over,
will it ever be over?
Ashleigh Kelco Oct 2012
Eyes crystal blue,
matching the ice you hold in your chest.
Take from me?
You've already taken all that I've got.
You were a boy
torn apart by the menacing voices of society.
Who are you now?
A beaten down, bruised and abused
child of the system.
Repeating the cycle.
Put down your fists
and wipe the blood off of your knuckles.
Take a step back.
The damage is done.
Are you happy now?
Ashleigh Kelco Feb 2013
When you've hit rock bottom,
there is nowhere to go but up.
And while everything crumbled,
you were my super glue.
During all the pain and sadness,
your smile got me through.
Could you blame me
for giving you my whole heart?
It was damaged and shattered,
but you picked up the pieces.
You were the light
the brought me home again.
Your gentle touch is still enough
to give me butterflies.
And though it may not be easy,
the love is worth the fight.
Your arms are my safety net,
and inside of them
I am finally whole again.
September 27, 2011, I met the man who changed my life. Thad, I love you with everything.
Ashleigh Kelco Nov 2014
Who am I to keep fighting?
To hold onto something that's
crumbling beneath my fingertips?
I'm not the strong girl I was.
My soul aches for a break,
to be happy in complete solitude.
But there is no light
at the end of this tunnel.

Happiness was once on my doorstep,
begging for me to come outside.
But I slammed the door and locked it.
Instead of leaving,
I released my inner demons.
They taunt me and remind me that I am weak.

I can't resist the urge
to carve my pain into my skin.
I can't seem to look away as
the rushing blood stains my sheets.

Who am I?
Certainly not a soldier, fighting to survive.
My gun has been broken and ruined.
Certainly not an innocent girl
who lacks the knowledge to carry on.
I am stuck in complacency,
willing to accept my fate instead of change it.

I feel empty and hopeless,
praying for the day happiness returns.
And instead of knocking,
it kicks my door down and steals my soul
before this darkness overwhelms me.
Ashleigh Kelco Nov 2013
Two drinks in and all my thoughts are racing.
But for once it's almost positive,
instead of mostly negative.
I know I'll always have my issues,
my mistakes are who I am.
But why should I let them break me
instead of push me ahead?

There will never be a moment
where I don't remember his face;
sweaty and contorted
forcing me to keep silent.
Or his hands around my neck
and the darkness closing in.

But he's not here anymore,
and the torment is all over.
I have people surrounding me
who love me for everything and anything.

And there won't be a day that passes
where I don't remember the love
of me and Josh sitting on that hill
watching the sunset sink beneath the clouds.
I can never forget that sacrifice,
of a young life lost to save another.

But in my memory he will stay,
because I have someone who cares.
Who knows all of my faults,
and wants to help through the pain.

And I have my friends
who only want the best for me.
Who listen when I talk,
laugh at my corny jokes
and love me for who I am.

I will never be perfect,
but I need to stop trying.
Imperfect is beautiful,
and I'm starting to see my beauty.

The scars will remain,
white and raised against my skin.
But they're reminders of a past
that changed my course of action.
The bones will never heal,
and the insults won't disappear.
But learning to live with them
is something within reach.

I'm not broken or damaged,
but pieces put together,
mended and healing.
I am superwoman.
Time to change my life around. Positive.
Ashleigh Kelco Aug 2013
You use your one phone call a month
to dial my number.
Let me know that I'm worthless,
a disgrace to human kind.
I barely listen,
your insults no longer affecting me.
I'm not the one behind bars.
But this time I can't shake the words;
the obscenities haunting me.
Why am I the disgusting one,
When you're the one who's ****** up?
When all I did was fight back
trying to get you to stop?
You did more damage in eight months,
than I could do in my lifetime.
I still get the flashbacks and nightmares.
You get to sit back and smile,
knowing I'm the girl you destroyed
While I'm busy fighting the mirror,
screaming at the reflection I see there.
My thoughts are broken by your voice,
insults and abuse replacing confidence.
Five years and I still can't fix myself.
Ashleigh Kelco Nov 2013
It's been almost a year
and I haven't touched a blade,
haven't even thought about it really.
An entire year without the
instant rush of adrenaline,
the bite of the metal
sinking into my skin.
12 months without the blood
soaking through my crisp cotton sheets.
I've been good,
but the temptress calls me back again.
It's so easy to slice the pain away.
Whenever I **** up,
why not carve another tally?
I mean, who's keeping track anyway?
Why is it so hard to move forward,
when it's so easy to slip and fall?
I'm surrounded by people who want me safe,
but somehow I feel so alone.
The glint of silver is calling my name,
it's so impossible to say no.
Ashleigh Kelco Nov 2013
Twenty minutes in front of the mirror.
That's all it takes;
I can't look any longer.

Awkward smile,
and non-perfect skin.
Large-rimmed glasses
filling up my fat face.

Oh, and move down further,
it all sinks in.
Different sized ****,
too overweight.
Stretch marks cover me like tiger stripes.

No thigh gap,
scars covering my shins.
My feet are too large
and my *** is too flat.
My hair is too thin
and way too short.

The mirror can be cruel.
I just want to love the girl
standing there crying.
But there's no love there.
I hate what I see.

Twenty minutes is enough.
Too much longer and I'll go insane.
Ashleigh Kelco Nov 2012
If only you could have seen me yesterday,
I was running around and refusing change.
But I found this passion,
something indescribable.
If you had looked the other day,
you would have seen a broken heart
or the battle scars.
But I've broken from the chains,
I'm finally feeling alive.
I am not what I have done,
I'm what I've overcome.
I know I will stumble,
and maybe fall down.
But the sky ahead is golden
and the sun warms my bones.
I've made my mistakes,
but who hasn't?
The going will get rough,
but I will not break.
I have someone saving me.
Feeling quite positive tonight. Enjoy :)
Ashleigh Kelco Dec 2012
Who is that girl in the mirror?
Her eyes are vacant and red.
Hair is uncombed and knotted.
Track marks line her arms,
and she’s smiling, but those eyes.
They’re haunted and dead.
What have you seen, girl?
The horrors are forced back.
Repressed memories torment her mind-
what’s left of it, anyways.

She’s only 12, but she looks 19.
A life on the streets;
Her own personal hell.
Abandoned and left to die
by a dad that didn’t know
how to raise a child.
Drugs and alcohol his main priority.

You wouldn’t last a minute
living inside my head.
What have I seen?
God can’t save my soul.
Time does heal the wounds,
but a band-aid is only temporary.
There’s a toxic hole
where my heart should be.

The scars are still there;
Those men in expensive cars
smelling like alcohol and cigarettes.
Maybe I’ll make some money for food
or try to find some new clothes.
Young girls don’t last too long
outside in the cold.

Our pasts don’t define us,
but they sure as hell create us.
Maybe they’ll break us
and remake us.
But what has been broken
can't always be repaired.
i hate remembering.
Ashleigh Kelco Oct 2012
Two mirror images stand
across the way as a battle rages overhead.
Same age, same weapons.
Different sides.
Who will win?
They're taught to ****
and sent to destroy.
Who will win?
Gunshots are fired
and bodies litter the ground.
Direction are shouted,
but still they stand.
Who will win?
"Please, God help us!"
Cries one as he ***** his gun and aims.
"God saves us all!"
Cries the other as shaky hands raise the barrel.
Two mirror images fall to the ground.
Two soldiers caught in a battle
they were destined to lose.
Ashleigh Kelco Oct 2013
The school bus driver was mental,
the seats always cramped and crowded.
You sat by me hesitantly,
but soon it became daily.
We laughed about the crazy ride,
and joked about possibly dying.
You were so easy to talk to,
and it was like you were sent from heaven.

I don't know what made me
open my heart to you.
I spilled everything out,
trying to rid myself of the darkness.
But still I feared you would run.
Evil things are meant to stay hidden.
But through everything, you stayed.
You would sit and listen,
and I learned what it was like
to have someone to lean on.

Since that day,
I have never been so thankful.
You don't get angry,
no matter what sentences I speak.
You've been there through the tears,
and the agonizing flashbacks.
Who would have thought
that a bus could create best friends?
But you're more than that,
aren't you?
We're soul sisters,
and I can never thank you enough
for saving my life.
Anagha, you are one of the most beautiful people in this universe. I cannot thank you enough for everything you've done for me.
Ashleigh Kelco Oct 2013
Some say that
"depression doesn't need a reason."
That sometimes your brain is
"a mess of mixed signals."
I don't want a broken brain,
or one destroyed by repressed memories.
Where one day I'll wake up,
happy and cheerful and my silly self.
And then it comes crashing down,
like a brick to my chest.

I'll have another panic attack,
tears forcing their way to my eyes.
I'll freak out and scream and rant and rave
until I no longer know who I am.
Not like I ******* know who I am anyway.

I feel like a monster;
a creature hiding inside the ugly flesh of a human.
I can't be alone for more than 20 minutes
without my thoughts running wild.
Who would miss me if I was gone?
What are the consequences?
But I'm happy, right?
I'm the happiest girl alive.

I made promises.
I promise to never cut again
I won't smoke ***
I'll quit the cigarettes.
But that slow inhale and exhale frees me.
I exhale the hatred for myself
for a father who won't love me
and for a man who took everything.
Who robbed me of a youth that was promising.
I was smart, I could do it.
But how can you study
when the needle calls your name?
Or when you're hooked up to IVs
pumping life into your veins?

I'm "weak" because I self-medicate,
and being depressed is "sickening".
I don't want this ******* brain anyway.
You can have my thoughts,
or the paralyzing flashbacks.
You can take the agonizing anxiety,
and the self-hatred.
I just want it to end
before I lose it completely.
please..
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