LOSING YOU HAS BEEN THE MOST NUMBING EXPERIENCE OF MY LIFE IT'S BEEN PAINFUL BUT IT'S THE MOST COMFORTABLE PAIN I'VE EVER BEEN BROUGHT UPON IN THE PROCESS OF LOSING YOU I'VE LEARNED THAT THERE ARE DIFFERENT TYPES OF NUMBNESS THERE'S THE NUMBNESS YOU FEEL WHEN THE DOCTOR PRESCRIBES YOU MEDICATION AND YOUR BODY DOESN'T REACT THE RIGHT WAY AND THEN THERE'S THE NUMBNESS YOU EXPERIENCE WHEN YOU'RE COMING OFF OF NOVACANE BUT THE TYPE OF NUMBNESS YOU'VE CAUSED ME TO FEEL IS THE MOST BEAUTIFUL NUMBNESS I THINK A PERSON CAN FEEL BECAUSE I FEEL FREE AND NOW THAT YOU'RE GONE I REALIZED IT DOESN'T FEEL ANY DIFFERENT FROM WHEN YOU WERE SUPPOSEDLY IN MY LIFE SO CAN A PERSON REALLY LOSE SOMEONE THEY FEEL THEY NEVER REALLY HAD IN THEIR LIFE TO BEGIN WITH?

I miss the time we went to the airport just to watch the planes fly away. I loved it because it was near midnight and everything just felt magical. You kissed me whenever a plane took off and told me you’d stop having feelings for me when planes stopped flying. I guess planes stopped flying. I miss you.

HOME IS WHEREVER I'M WITH YOU
BUT YOU'RE
NEVER HERE SO
I'M BEYOND
HOMESICK AT
THIS POINT

I WISH I COULD HEAR YOU CHUCKLE AND SAY MY NAME AT THE SAME TIME BUT ALL I HEAR ARE VOICEMAILS FROM TWO MONTHS AGO SAYING YOU WOULDN'T LEAVE ME IF YOUR LIFE DEPENDED ON IT. WELL WHERE THE **** ARE YOU NOW BECAUSE THE LAST TIME I HEARD YOU WEREN'T BEING SENT DEATH THREATS

I had two of my favorite necklaces on one of the nights you randomly texted me wanting to drop by and say hey because you were “near my neighborhood” even though I knew you were coming from the other side of town. You came by and said you liked my necklaces. We’ve been broken up for a month and 10 days and I haven’t come close to touching those necklaces

MY DEMONS LOOK LIKE YOU SOMETIMES AND I HOPE THAT KNOWING THAT MAKES YOU GET GOOSEBUMPS WHEN YOU'RE IN HER BED

IF YOU DIDN'T WANT TO BE IN MY LIFE ANYMORE THEN WHY DID YOU DO THINGS TO MAKE YOU BE ON ME MIND EVERY SECOND OF EVERY ******* DAY YOU ******* HYPOCRITE

Your absence is the closest to torture I've ever been

THE FIRST TIME YOU KISSED ME IT FELT LIKE FEELING THE OCEAN WASH UP AGAINST YOUR FEET AND IT FELT LIKE LISTENING TO YOUR FAVORITE SONG FOR THE FIRST TIME AND IT FELT LIKE WATER TASTES; REFRESHING AND LIFE SUSTAINING BUT I'LL NEVER BE ABLE TO SUSTAIN MY LIFE IN THE SAME WAY ANYMORE BECAUSE YOU'RE GONE ******* YOU ******* *******

I WOULD **** TO KNOW IF YOU'VE THOUGHT ABOUT ME OR IF YOU MISS KISSING ME OR IF YOU WANT TO HEAR THE SOUND OF MY LAUGH AGAIN OR IF YOU HEAR THE SONG SIDEWAYS BY CITIZEN COPE AND GET FLASHBACKS OF THE FIRST TIME WE SKYPED OR IF YOU THINK ABOUT ME WHEN YOU DRIVE BY COOKOUT AND ZAXBY'S AND I WONDER IF YOU CAN FEEL ME MISSING YOU AND **** WOULD I **** TO KNOW IF YOU WONDER IF I THINK ABOUT YOU STILL

BECAUSE OF YOU MY HEART IS TURNING COLD IT'S NOT RIGHT TO TOUCH ME IN THE WAYS THAT YOU DID AND JUST LEAVE ME I WILL NEVER SCRAPE THE REMNANTS YOU LEFT IN MY MIND AND I WILL NEVER BE FULLY RID OF YOUR TOUCH EVER IF THE SKIN DOES REPLENISH ITSELF EVERY TWENTY SEVEN DAYS BECAUSE YOU TOUCHED ME IN WAYS GREATER THAN PHYSICALLY AND EMOTIONALLY YOU AFFECTED ME MENTALLY YOU WERE MY SAFE HAVEN AND NOW I'M JUST COLD AND ALONE CHOKING ON THE LIES YOU TOLD ME THAT KEPT ME WARM AT NIGHT

THE SAYING "EITHER THEY WERE A BLESSING OR A LESSON" IS BASICALLY GIVING SOMEONE THE EASY WAY OUT BUT YOU'RE NOT GETTING THE EASY WAY OUT THIS TIME BABE BECAUSE YOU WERE BOTH YOU WERE A BLESSING IN THAT YOU MADE ME GENUINELY HAPPY WHILE YOU WERE IN MY LIFE BUT YOU WERE A LESSON IN THAT YOU'RE THE FIRST GUY TO EVER MAKE ME FEEL SICK ABOUT MYSELF AND YOU TAUGHT ME TO NEVER LET SOMEONE CRAWL INSIDE MY SKIN THE WAY I LET YOU IN SO I HOPE ONCE I GROW THE **** TO GIVE THESE POEMS TO YOU YOU REMEMBER THIS ONE IN PARTICULAR AND HAVE TROUBLE SLEEPING

I miss the curve of your lips and the way you used to moan my name through the cracks of your teeth

you were in all my dreams last night and I woke up crying

I OFTEN WONDER IF WHEN YOU HAVE *** WITH SOMEONE ELSE IF YOU'LL END UP WISHING IT WAS ME AFTER IT'S OVER OR IF YOU'VE ALREADY HAD *** WITH SOMEONE ELSE IF YOU REGRET IT NOT BEING ME I HAD *** WITH SOMEONE ELSE AND I FAKED IT FEELING GOOD THE ENTIRE ******* TIME AND I'LL NEVER FORGIVE MYSELF FOR HAVING *** WITH SOMEONE WHO SAID "LET'S KEEP THIS ON THE DOWN LOW" AFTER IT WAS OVER BECAUSE ALTHOUGH YOU DROPPED ME OUT OF NOWHERE YOU NEVER MADE ME FEEL LIKE YOU WERE EMBARRASSED TO BE WITH ME AND FOR THAT I THANK YOU BUT I STILL ******* HATE YOU FOR LEAVING

YOU TEXTED ME SAYING "I MISS YOU, HOPE YOU'RE ALRIGHT" WE HADN'T TALKED IN TWELVE OR THIRTEEN DAYS AND THAT WAS THE LONGEST WE'D EVER GONE WITHOUT SAYING A WORD TO EACH OTHER BUT NOW THAT YOU'RE OUT OF MY LIFE I AM STARTING TO REALIZE THAT THE ONLY WAY I'LL EVER BE ALRIGHT AGAIN IS IF YOU'RE BACK IN MY LIFE AGAIN HOLDING ME IN YOUR BED LIKE YOU ALWAYS DID WITH YOUR LEFT ARM UNDER MY BACK AT ALMOST ELEVEN AT NIGHT I JUST WANT YOUR PRESENCE BACK IN MY LIFE I CAN'T FATHOM YOUR ABSENCE ANY LONGER ****

what's sad if I don't even remember
what your voice sounds like

NO MATTER WHO SAYS MY NAME THEY CAN NEVER GET THE SAME RING AS YOU USED TO WHENEVER YOU USED TO SAY MY NAME IT LITERALLY FELT AS IF MY BLOOD VESSELS WERE GOING TO BURST BECAUSE JUST KNOWING YOU WERE THINKING OF MY EXISTENCE FOR A SPLIT SECOND WHEN YOU SPAT MY NAME OUT OH SO BEAUTIFULLY OUT OF YOUR MOUTH WAS ENOUGH TO START A FIRE IN MY HEART AND NO ONE WILL EVER SAY MY NAME IN THE EXTRAORDINARILY EXQUISITE WAY THAT MY NAME WOULD ROLL OFF THE TIP OF YOUR TONGUE

I wish I didn't miss you. I feel like I'm missing limbs without you here

YOU NEVER DESERVED SOMEONE WHO CARED AS MUCH AS I DID I SHOULD HAVE NEVER LET YOU TOUCH ME AND NO MATTER WHAT I DO OR WHO I'M WITH I ALWAYS FIND YOU CAMPED OUT IN THE CORNER OF MY HEART AND DID I MENTION I'LL PURPOSELY LAUGH HARD ENOUGH TO THE POINT WHERE I START CRYING AND I'VE FOUND THAT DOING THIS FOR SOME ODD REASON MAKES ME MORE COMFORTABLE WITH YOU NOT STICKING AROUND

you lit my sky on fire but now you're gone and everything is pitch black

DOES SHE KNOW THAT YOU HATE YOUR DAD BECAUSE HE USED TO USE YOU SO HE COULD GO CHEAT ON YOUR MOM AND DOES SHE KNOW THAT YOU HATE THE SOUND OF SOMEONE CRACKING THEIR KNUCKLES AND DOES SHE KNOW ABOUT YOUR PAST HOOKUPS AND DOES SHE KNOW YOU REGRET NOT SPENDING ENOUGH TIME WITH YOUR GRANDFATHER THAT LIVES IN FLORIDA AND DOES SHE KNOW THAT YOUR FAVORITE THING TO ORDER AT ZAXBY'S IS THE WINGS AND THINGS AND DOES SHE KNOW THAT I WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU SLEPT WITH AND DOES SHE KNOW YOU'LL LEAVE HER WITHOUT SAYING A WORD LIKE YOU LEFT ME?

******* YOU ******* BECAUSE OF YOU I CAN'T EVEN SLEEP IN MY OWN BED BECAUSE ALL I SMELL IF YOU IN THE THREADS BETWEEN MY SHEETS AND I CAN STILL FEEL YOU INCOHERENTLY PULL ME IN CLOSER WHILE WE SPOONED AND IN CASE YOU WERE WONDERING I CAN STILL FEEL YOU BREATHING DOWN MY BACK LIKE YOU USED TO WHEN WE HAD *** AND TO THIS DAY I CAN STILL ******* FEEL YOU IN EVERY ATOM THAT MAKES UP MY EXISTENCE YOU ****

I KEEP IMAGINING THAT YOU'LL TEXT OR CALL ME AND SAY THAT YOU'VE BEEN MEANING TO RESPOND TO MY MESSAGE AND THAT YOUR PHONE HAS BEEN ******* UP BUT THEN I SEE YOU'RE ONLINE RIGHT NOW LIKING YOUR WALL POSTS FROM A GIRL SAYING MY FAMOUS LINE "YO MAMA LETCHU DATE?" I LIKE TO THINK THAT YOU LIKE THAT SHE SAYS THAT BECAUSE IT REMINDS YOU OF ME BUT THEN I SNAP BACK TO REALITY AND REALIZE THAT YOU JUST DON'T CARE ANYMORE AND SHE HAS MORE TO OFFER YOU ANYWAYS

IT'S PRETTY ******* SAD THAT YOU'RE COMFORTABLE WITH BEING ANOTHER GUY THAT'S ****** ME OVER

LOSING YOU HAS BEEN THE MOST NUMBING EXPERIENCE OF MY LIFE IT'S BEEN PAINFUL BUT IT'S THE MOST COMFORTABLE PAIN I'VE EVER BEEN BROUGHT UPON. IN THE PROCESS OF LOSING YOU I'VE LEARNED THAT THERE ARE DIFFERENT TYPES OF NUBMNESS. THERE'S THE NUMBNESS YOU FEEL WHEN THE DOCTOR PRESCRIBES YOU MEDICATION AND YOUR BODY DOESN'T REACT THE RIGHT WAY AND THEN THERE'S THE NUMBNESS YOU EXPERIENCE WHEN YOU'RE COMING OFF OF NOVACANE. BUT THE TYPE OF NUMBNESS YOU'VE CAUSED ME TO FEEL IS THE MOST BEAUTIFUL NUMBNESS A PERSON CAN FEEL BECAUSE I FEEL FREE AND NOW THAT YOU'RE GONE I REALIZED IT DOESN'T FEEL ANY DIFFERENT FROM WHEN YOU WERE SUPPOSEDLY IN MY LIFE SO CAN A PERSON REALLY LOSE SOMEONE THEY FEEL THEY NEVER REALLY HAD TO BEGIN WITH?

You impacted me in ways that I can't explain and now you're gone. I can't explain your absence either.

I saw you yesterday.
We hugged.
I wish we hadn't.

THE FIRST TIME I SAW YOUR EYES I KNEW I WAS BEYOND ****** BECAUSE YOU HAD THE MOST SCINTILLATINGLY BEAUTIFUL PAIR OF BROWN EYES I'VE EVER SEEN ON A BREATHING HUMAN EVEN YOUR ******* EYELASHES WERE HARD TO FATHOM THEY LOOKED LIKE THEY COULD FIGHT AND WIN AGAINST A STORM WITH ALL THEIR THICKNESS AND MAN OH MAN THEY WERE HARD TO FATHOM AND SEEING THEM BAT AT ME CAUSE A TIDAL WAVE TO CRASH AGAINST MY INTERNAL ORGANS I WOULD DO ANYTHING TO HAVE YOU LOOKING AT ME AGAIN INSTEAD OF NASTY COLLEGE GIRLS WHO DON'T KNOW WHAT THE ******* **** THEY WANT ANYWAY I KNOW WHAT I WANT I WANT YOU I WANT YOU I WANT YOU

CAR BLINKERS ALWAYS REMIND ME OF YOU BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO EXPECT WHEN I'M DRIVING JUST LIKE I NEVER KNEW WHAT TO EXPECT WITH YOU AND I SAY THIS BECAUSE YOU NEVER GAVE ME A ******* SIGNAL THAT YOU WERE GOING TO TAKE THE NEXT EXIT OUT OF MY LIFE YOU JUST ******* MERGED AND WERE OUT OF SIGHT

nothing can ever compare to the chills
that used to run down my spine when
I heard you speak

WHAT TERRIFIES ME THE MOST ABOUT YOU IS THAT YOU CAN LAY ME DOWN IN YOUR BED AND SAY THE MOST HORRIFYINGLY BEAUTIFUL WORDS I'VE EVER HEARD A GUY SAY BEFORE AND SPIT THEM RIGHT INTO MY VEINS THEN FOUR MONTHS LATER HEAR YOU SAY THE MOST PETRIFYINGLY ****** UP WORDS I'VE EVER HEARD A GUY SAY BEFORE: NOTHING.

WHAT TERRIFIES ME THE MOST ABOUT YOU IS THAT YOU CAN LAY ME DOWN IN YOUR BED AND SAY THE MOST HORRIFYINGLY BEAUTIFUL WORDS I'VE EVER HEARD A GUY SAY BEFORE AND SPIT THEM RIGHT INTO MY VEINS THEN FIVE MONTHS LATER YOU SAY THE MOST PETRIFYINGLY ****** UP WORDS I'VE EVER HEARD YOU SAY BEFORE: N O T H I N G.

I JUST REALLY MISS WATCHING YOU DRIVE AND LISTENING TO MUSIC WITH YOU AND SEEING YOU SMILE AND DISCOVERING NEW FRECKLES ON YOUR BODY AND TALKING TO YOU ON THE PHONE AND LISTENING TO YOU TALK ABOUT PERSONAL EXPERIENCES AND I MISS THE WAY YOU USED TO HOLD ME AT NIGHT AND NEVER IN A MILLION YEARS FOUR MONTHS AGO WOULD I HAVE BELIEVED SOMEONE IF THEY SAID THAT IN FOUR MONTHS YOU WERE GOING TO BE LONG GONE OUT OF MY LIFE BUT HERE WE ARE LIVING SEPARATE LIVES

I KEEP GETTING DIZZY RANDOMLY AND I THINK IT'S TO REMIND MYSELF NOT TO FALL BECAUSE I KNOW IF I DO YOU WON'T BE HERE TO PICK ME UP LIKE YOU SAID YOU WOULD BE

IT'S BEEN FIVE DAYS SINCE WE'VE BROKEN UP AND I TEXTED YOU TONIGHT AND ASKED YOU IF YOU WANTED ALL OF YOUR STUFF BACK AND YOU SAID YES AND THAT'D YOU'D GET IT LATER BUT I DON'T WANT YOU TO COME GET IT LATER I WANT TO KEEP YOU AND YOUR STUFF SO I CAN HAVE YOUR SMELL FOR FOREVER

I WONDER IF YOU EVER HAVE TROUBLE SLEEPING AT NIGHT BECAUSE YOU REMEMBER THAT I ONCE LAID NEXT TO YOU

LITERALLY ALL I WANT TO KNOW IS WHY YOU STOPPED TALKING TO ME ALTOGETHER BECAUSE YOU SAID YOU UNDERSTOOD THAT SINCE WE'RE IN HIGH SCHOOL WE HAVE MIXED EMOTIONS BUT NOW I RECALL THAT THAT WAS BEFORE YOU GRADUATED SO I GUESS SINCE YOU'RE NOT IN HIGH SCHOOL YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND ANYMORE I ******* HATE YOU FOR LEAVING

I SCREENSHOTTED EVERY SWEET TEXT YOU EVER SENT ME AND DOWNLOADED THEM TO MY LAPTOP THEY'RE ALL I HAVE LEFT OF YOU BUT ARE THEY REALLY YOU SINCE YOU CLEARLY LIED WHEN YOU SAID YOU MISSED ME BECAUSE USUALLY WHEN YOU MISS SOMEONE YOU MAKE AN EFFORT TO PATCH THINGS UP BUT ALL YOU DID WAS LEAVE SILENTLY SO I SUPPOSE I ACTUALLY HAVE NOTHING LEFT OF YOU BUT EMPTY WORDS

I WONDER IF YOU KNOW IT'S BEEN TWO MONTHS AND EIGHT DAYS SINCE WE LAST SAW EACH OTHER BECAUSE A WEEK AFTER WE FIRST MET YOU SAID "IT'LL BE A WEEK SINCE I'VE SEEN YOU" BUT THEN I REMEMBER THAT IT'S BEEN TWO ******* MONTHS AND EIGHT DAYS SINCE WE LAST SAW EACH OTHER AND I REALIZED THAT IF YOU WANTED TO SEE ME YOU WOULD HAVE MADE IT HAPPEN BY NOW

I HATE FALLING ASLEEP BECAUSE AN HOUR BEFORE I ACTUALLY DO EVERYTHING YOU EVER SAID TO ME POUNDS AT MY HEAD AT SEVEN MILLION MILES AN HOUR AND IT'S HARD TO FEEL COMFORTABLE IN A BED YOU WERE IN AND IT'S HARD TO FEEL COMFORTABLE WHEN MY THROAT IS BURNING FROM CRYING OVER THINGS YOU PROMISED ME YOU'D NEVER DO

THE RIDICULOUS PART ABOUT YOU NOT BEING IN MY LIFE ANYMORE IS THAT YOU'RE STILL HERE LINGERING I HAVE A BOYFRIEND WHOSE EYES ARE THE SAME ******* COLOR AS YOURS AND WHEN I KISS HIM ALL I CAN THINK IS "GOD I WISH I WAS KISSING YOU" WHY COULDN'T YOU HAVE DONE SOMETHING TO MAKE ME HATE YOU INSTEAD OF LEAVING ME AGONIZING OVER YOUR SILENT EXIT OUT OF MY LIFE YOU'RE IN EVERYTHING I SEE AND IT'S NOT FAIR BECAUSE YOU DON'T DESERVE TO STILL BE LINGERING IN THE LIFE OF SOMEONE WHO WOULD HAVE NEVER LEFT LIKE YOU DID

WHY DID YOU SAY YOU MISS ME IF YOU WERE GOING TO SHOOT ME DOWN WHEN I SAID I MISSED YOU TOO WHY DID YOU MAKE ME BELIEVE YOU WERE IN IT FOR THE LONG RUN IF YOU WEREN'T WHY AM I SHAKING WHY AREN'T YOU HERE WHERE ARE YOU DO YOU NEED ME TOO?

YOU WERE THE PERSON I WANTED TO TELL EVERYTHING FIRST TO AND YOU WERE THE PERSON THAT COULD MAKE ME FEEL INTOXICATED JUST BY LOOKING INTO YOUR EYES AND YOU WERE THE PERSON WHOSE SMILE COULD IGNITE MY BONES MAKING ME WEAK IN THE KNEES AND YOU WERE THE PERSON WHO I WANTED TO MAKE FEEL LOVED BUT NOW YOU'RE JUST THE PERSON I WANT TO FORGET MORE THAN ANYONE I'VE EVER MET OR BEEN DONE WRONG BY AND THAT BREAKS MY ******* HEART

FOR SOME REASON THE MORNING AFTER WE SPENT THE NIGHT TOGETHER FOR THE FIRST TIME THREE FRECKLES APPEARED ON MY LEFT ARM IN THREE DIFFERENT SHADES OF BROWN ALL IN A ROW IF ONLY YOU KNEW HOW MANY TIMES I'VE ATTEMPTED TO SCRAPE THOSE FRECKLES OFF OF MY ARM NOW THAT YOU'RE ******* GONE

IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT MY FAN BLOWS COLD AIR IT MAKES THE HAIR ON MY ARMS TIGHTEN AT THE PORES AND I SHIVER AS IF YOU HAD JUST TRICKLED YOUR HANDS DOWN MY ARMS AND WHENEVER SOMEONE TOUCHES ME I HOPE IT'S YOU TOUCHING ME BUT IT NEVER ******* IS THE FAN IS THE CLOSEST THING I HAVE LEFT OF THE REMEMBRANCE OF YOUR TOUCH AND JESUS **** I WOULD **** FOR YOU TO JUST TOUCH ME WITH YOUR HANDS AGAIN

I hung the bag your present
is in on my closet door
I think it's going to
be hanging for forever

I WISH WE COULD JUST START OVER BECAUSE I NEVER THOUGHT YOU'D BE SOMEONE I'D HAVE TO MISS AND I MISS HOW I USED TO GET HIGH OFF YOUR VOICE AND DRUNK OFF YOUR LIPS WHY THE **** DID YOU LEAVE ME

THE SCARY THING ABOUT KISSING SOMEONE IS THAT YOU NEVER KNOW IF IT'S GOING TO BE THE LAST TIME YOU KISS THEM THE LAST TIME I KISSED YOU WAS APRIL TWENTY FOURTH AND IT WAS JUST A PECK BECAUSE YOU ****** ME OFF BUT I COULDN'T HELP BUT TO STILL KISS YOU BECAUSE I ALWAYS HAVE THIS FEAR OF ME BEING ANGRY AT SOMEONE AND THEM DRIVING AWAY AND GETTING IN A WRECK AND DYING SO I KISSED YOU BUT **** IF I HAD KNOWN THAT THAT WAS GOING TO BE THE LAST TIME WE KISSED I WOULD HAVE KISSED YOU SO ******* HARD YOUR LIPS WOULD HAVE TURNED NUMB

WHEN WILL THIS NOT HURT ANYMORE BECAUSE IT'S BEEN THREE MONTHS SINCE WE LAST TALKED AND I STILL CRY AND ROCK MYSELF TO SLEEP EVERY NIGHT AND PROMISE MYSELF THAT I'M GOING TO WAKE UP TO A TEXT OR A MISSED CALL FROM YOU AND YOU'LL SAY THAT YOU JUST NEEDED TIME TO THINK BUT THEN I COME TO REMEMBER THAT BOYS DON'T PONDER OVER THINGS FOR MORE THAN THE LENGTH OF A SHOWER AND THAT THEY JUST NEVER TALK TO YOU AGAIN OR EVEN HAVE A THOUGHT ABOUT YOU SPONTANEOUSLY THEY JUST RUIN ALL YOUR FAVORITE SONGS AND LEAVE YOU ROCKING YOURSELF DOWN THE TILE WALLS OF THE SHOWER BECAUSE THE NINE THOUSAND DEGREE WATER BURNING THE PORES ON YOUR BACK IS MORE COMFORTING THAN THE KNIFE HE LEFT STABBED IN YOU WHEN HE SAID HE MISSED YOU AND THEN NEVER SAID ANYTHING ELSE TO YOU EVER AGAIN