I don't love you anymore
but we can still play pretend.
I'll kiss you and hug you and giggle
like I did when we were 13.
I'll let you do other things too;
I always have,
I always will.
Even though it feels like nothing.
It feels black and empty.
Soulless, heartless.
Ha.
Even lying I can still tell the truth.
Can you?
Can you tell me something true?
Really true?
Like the words we whispered in the dark,
when my parents weren't home,
when our bodies were pressed close,
breathing and feeling like everything was
alright.
Quite alright.
Too alright.
Because it felt like a fake story being told,
like a twisted and ****** up imagination
groping at my tiniest desires.
Poking and prodding them until they twitched
like dying cockroaches under an eternal light.
But bitter fairytales make sweet nightmares
that you lull me away from with your soft words
and gentle "I love you's"
Well I love you too
And we both know how much lies count.

Fear.
Haunting, crippling fear.

At any moment's notice,
it drags me under.

Peeling away my skin
with its rusty, gnawing claws

All I can smell is smoke
but nothing is burning

Death fills my lungs and
caresses the tip of my tongue

It's all I can taste and feel and smell
It's on my back like a demon

It aches so much that my heart is heavy
Too heavy with its pounding

Everyday this sensation comes
Every night

Yet its origin is unknown
and yet the fear still takes me

I can't fight it
I know I will succumb

Leaving my life as ashes in the wind,
On the tip of someone else's tongue

I heard your voice again.
It broke me
and new tears ran fresh
from my eyes
in long, painful streams.
I could barely talk.
Every word felt like
an ice pick in my
throat: sharp, deadly,
and deep.
Over and over, I felt like
all the old feelings I had
suppressed and surpassed
came back in a gust
taking me down with them,
making me fragile again.
I couldn't do it.
I gave up.
Your voice kills me too much,
for too long.
I never want it to pass
through my ears again,
or else
it might end me, forever.

Dear You,
I miss my brother. I haven't seen him since I was 11. Five years. I'm turning sixteen now and he won't there. Another missed birthday. It hurts more not having him than not having my father does. He messed up. Big time. Too many times. And now he's paying for it. I don't know when I'll see him again but I want to. Today I found a letter he sent my mom. I tried to write him once. Back in 8th grade. The letter was returned saying that the address was wrong. At least that's what Mom told me. I haven't tried again since. I cry when I think of him. I cry more than I do for anything else. I know I have other siblings but this one is the only who left me. Who left me alone. It was like that whether he was there or not. Because of him I had no one for a really long time. And now when I need him again, when I need my big brother, he's not there.

Sometimes I can't even comprehend
the way I feel when I look in your eyes
It cuts me to the core
Leaving me begging for more and more
Deep in my bones there is an ache
For one gaze from you
One fleeting look to end all looks
If I should die with that in mind
I would lie awake in my grave
With nothing but deep rotting sorrow

Dear Stranger,
I don't need you anymore. I don't think I ever did. I wonder all the time if you were ever really there. As long as I can remember you were gone. All those years, nothing. It was almost as if you were dead. And then you appeared out of nowhere and things changed. I don't know how but they did. Then you did what you did and left again. What can I expect? Of course you left, you had your reasons just like before. I can't say I feel nothing because I feel too much. It hurts a lot and I cry a lot. I can't help it. Every time I think of you or someone mentions you, it hurts. I have one question though. Why were you there for the others and not me? I don't remember you ever being there yet everyone else has crystal clear memories and photos. I have nothing. Did you ever hold me? Because I don't remember ever being in your arms. I only have two memories of you but they don't seem real. They are too blurry to make sense of. I don't think they actually happened. Even though the thought of you makes me cry, I don't want you around. It would only make things worse. My heart hasn't hardened against you, I don't think it ever will. No matter what you will always be a part of me, how could you not be? All I want to say is goodbye. I doubt we will ever meet again.

So long,
Your daughter.

You know how when you were little you would pick a flower and do the whole "he loves me, he loves me not" thing? Who would have thought things would get so much more complicated than that? That finding or knowing love wouldn't come from pulling a petal off an innocent flower. That plucking flowers wouldn't solve life's dilemmas and catch-22's. What would you give to have that again? To be able to decide what you want or how things are with a pretty little flower. I know I would give nothing. Life is hard but that is the way it is meant to be.