Do you know what its like to feel absolutely soul destroyed,
Have you actually ever felt you're heart completely crumble.
Does your heart ever break like mine?

Are you always full of fear & doubt?
Riddled with aniexty, unable to do simple thing's in life?

Do you know what its like for someone to take absolutely everything from you?
Mentally, emotionally, spiritually.

Nine extra months of my life have been taken, i know it's not just these nine ethier.

Ive always wanted justice for what you have done to me, im too tired now.
I wish i could just close this book because you're not even a chapter. You've taken my whole life from me.

You've not even had enough time to worry about what you're future holds.
Ive had years up on years unable to have a future because of what you have done to me.
You have taken absolutely everything my body holds.
Im numb, im soul destroyed.

I will thank you one day when im at peace.
I will gain closure, i will gain peace & i will take my life back from out of you're hands.

Nothing will ever cure what you have done to me. Absolutely nothing. I do hope you can admit what you are to you're self & you gain forgiveness from you're self. I forgive what you have done. Not for you but for me.

I will never be over it. Nothing will take the damage away.

I never thought I'd ever find the courage to report you.
I never thought you'd ever of been found.
I never thought you'd of admitted to knowing me,
I never thought you'd show any remorse,
I never thought you'd of effected my life as much as you did.
I never thought I'd feel so much anger at the world once i heard what you'd have to say,
I never thought id ever feel like that timid little abused girl again, i do more than ever,
I'm back wandering what life would of been like without you.
Im back questioning what a life would of been with you,
Im back thinking did you ever love me?
Im back wandering was it a genuine mistake from you because of my age?
There are so many questions i want answers to but there are so many answers il never receive.
I regret reporting you, i regret digging so deep within to try & find some closure.
You're poor family.
I hate you, i love you.

I wish you could understand all of these mixed emotions im facing again.

Every night you're there, every night i go to sleep with tears in my eyes, whilst you fall asleep unbothered..

Im back broken & no further on to a peaceful future.

As i sat holding my phone all day, waiting for an update,
I sat worrying all day,
I sat hoping you would be honest & admit what you put me through.
I got the phone call to say that you have remembered me,
I got the news that you have denied everything.
Do you know how that feels?
Do you know that you think you hold power over me?
Do you know that you're slowly loosing that power.
I have finally felt a different emotion other than love today.
I never wanted to feel anger towards you, today i do.

I know you'd of been scared of this day ever happening,
I know you never excepted it happen,
I never excepted id of ever been strong enough to make this day happen,
I guess i doubted my own strength.
I never thought you'd admit the truth,
I just hoped.
I was never you're friend, you was never mine, it was a whole lot deeper than that as you know.

You loved me as i loved you.
You know excalty why im saying this because you know its excalty what happened.
You never thought id ever realise what you have done.
Thats why you went that day after the lake's,
You thought you was going to be caught. You just never knew it would be 15 years later.
You're love only kept you safe for so long.
I learnt it was manipulation.

Im sorry for you're family & how they feel at this time.
This is now you're guilt to carry.

I question.. how you just carried on with you're life daily, whilst i suffered.

That isn't love.

I feel angry then i feel guilty that i feel angry.

I hope your conscious kicks in.

As i lay there last night riddled with a very sick gut feeling, thinking about you & what you have done to me.

I remembered hearing every single word you have ever spoken to me.
I remembered every sickening touch you gave to me.
I remembered the ***** stale smell of alcohol.
I remembered the feeling of being stuck to the thick sticky what feels like tar on the floor, the same feeling as you being stuck in my mind daily, so sticky im trapped as a victim of your's.
I remembered seeing you're chest hair hoovering above me.

I felt guilty about how you would of felt sat there being integrated, wondering how you're family feels about this, feeling so distressed about the impact it could have on those who you are loved by.

As ive learnt over this past year,  this is now you're guilt to carry.

Going to sleep at night, hoping it will take all the pain away,
Waking up crying, distressed, just wanting to have some peace from my mind for a little while.
Whilst still getting up the next day, putting them emotions back into a little box within you're mind, hoping you can continue to have a normal day.
Just for it to come crashing down as soon as you've put a little bit of Mascara on for the day, to it the be streaming down your face within fifthteen minutes of leaving the house.
Holding on to hope to every second of every minute for a bit of news, when that hope shatters, you're heart shatters all over again.
You go to sleep again hoping your can have peace, no you're awake all night stuck not being able to talk, hearing voices, unable to speak, or move.
The stress of being under this stress is the hardest thing ive ever had to do. This is the biggest struggle of all. Its not over yet, not even began but here i am.. still standing maybe not strong but not broken.

I pray the wait wont be for much longer.
Peace, closure & justice is soon to mine.

It all started when i was a little girl,
Growing up in a broken home,
It was toxic, all the shouting,  all the arguing, causing nothing but fear & pain.
The cruel words shouted out, no not at me but it ripped me out.
I started to see cracks, the love was dying, daddy didn't wanna go flyin, he left for days, he came back. You tried again, you thought a new shell would fix the spell, it just didn't work, mummy went out, she never returned, i remember see daddy crying, he was sat up all night lying. Dad wheres mum? She's at friends house go back to sleep.
Mummy didn't return until a while after, she packed her things & left, i ran up street crying mummy, take me with you, no go back home. Daddy ran up the street youve forgot something pointing at me like  i was the prize peice. I didn't see dad for a little while. Then he turned up with with a bunched of papers, i walked through the black gate shouting at mum to save me, she signed me over. She didnt want me.
7 years later she turned back up, knocking on the door, you took me to the place that id hate for the rest of my life, the smell of stale ashtrays & stale beer with a hint of bleach, i still remember the smell until this day, i remember everything that happened to me whilst that smell lingered. Do you remember me like i remember you?

Today I went back to the place that was the place that broke me.
I knocked on that door in desperate hope you'd be there.
I asked if they knew you or had any old mail with your name on.
The young male at the door looked at hes girlfriend, is despare.
A young anxious desperate girl at there door.
They promised they would be intouch.
Il forever live with that hope i will find you and see you again.
I see you every day, your everywhere.
I hear your voice,
Your calling me everyday.
I just cant control it.
I see you cradling my baby in your arms.
It took 6 years to ask for help then they palm you off and take you as some young girl with depression.
This is deeper, powerful, sadistic.
This trama has ruined me.
You could come home & fx everyday maybe one day.
Il keep listening to you. Il never get helped or believed so i suppose you will always be here.
I love you in a weird way.