Take a breath and just-
Pause
And think and wait
Just remember, it’s not too late
You can solve this in a myriad of ways
I promise

You learned to live with true pain
Pure, undiluted pain
And even though I know it hurt
And sometimes you wanted to curl up
And never go out into the world again
You endured true heartbreak
Yes, it stung
But I hope you know

You grew in character
You're so much stronger
You learned from a teacher whose name was pain
You took notes and learned this:
You learned to howl with the wolves
And continued to howl when they left you
Never giving up
you learned to fade into the shadows
Stay silent, observe, keep secrets
Know more than anyone has ever known about themselves

Because even though you were alone at times
You kept getting up, taking notes, learning

You are so strong
So, so strong
Don't ever break
Don't shatter into a million pieces

And if you ever do, at least remember
To learn from it

Close your eyes
Read my lips
Love me but
Don't touch my hips
Jump with me without believing
Come back just as you're leaving

Your lips
On my mind
But this love is
Suicide

Sometimes I want to **** myself
Sometimes I stay up way too late
Sometimes I dream of you
But sometimes I dream I'm drowning too

I am on the street every day. Holding a chunk of cardboard, standing on the strip of street right in the middle, pretending I’m okay. Every day, I am hungry, chilly, alone. The winters are the worst without a home. The summers are almost as bad, but I can tolerate the weather then. However, in the winter, I am weary and thin. I don’t know how I make it by, no lie. My stomach would scream if it could, but instead it is reduced to lowly growls because I don’t know where in time my next meal stood. Every day, cars drive by, locking their doors, thinking I want more, shutting me out because I am begging. But what would you do?
What would you do if your marriage fell apart, they completely broke your heart, and you didn’t know how to save it? What if you lost your job to alcohol and depression and you can’t recover because you’re hesitating, and you end up thrown out? Thrown out of the small place with the dingy light over it because you can no longer afford the roof over your head- you know you’re dead. Pushed out, shoved out, called out, because higher classes of society lock their car doors at the sight of you, change to the other side of the street too because they think you’re going to cause them harm. How safe they are, in their small bubble without trouble, how nice it would be to live a life just that easy.
The homeless shelters always put me in a box, force me to be something they see me as - it *****. A thief and a lowlife someone who never had a kid or wife, someone who’s beyond hope, someone who wields a knife. And I’m scared because maybe they’re right. Maybe I am the one who wanders out in the night, hoping to give families a fright because desperation overtakes the body when you make this many mistakes.
The Walmart employees alway glance at me, don’t judge what I buy. I’m just getting what I can to get by, so I can stay high and away from reality, but no matter, I can’t escape me. I can’t escape myself and the things that I’ve done but c’mon, maybe you could with some cents - just one.
And maybe at the end of the day, I won’t give up hope. Maybe I’ll buy some patches to stop my habit made of smoke. Maybe one day, I can crawl out of this cold, and maybe right then, I’ll finally be whole.

Thoughts, thoughts, running around in my head
Wish I could control them when I went to bed

So you’re saying you’d rather not tell us anything.
     Hide away the pain every day because you think it doesn’t make us worry more
     What about me?
     Can you see what you’re choosing to do?
     Something that you don’t want to, pretending to be okay when you’re really not just so you’ll become an afterthought.
     Do really believe you’re not special in any single way, hope to any God, you pray that you’re going to be okay
     What about us?
     What about the promises you said when we were talking of our love, is that dead? Is it really that really difficult to love me, have you lost your head?
     You go to bed every night with a broken heart but every day you grow more numb because you won’t even start to give yourself a chance to heal because you’re scared it’ll break you again, a seal on your lips, zipped shut.
     Maybe you stare at the gun in the corner every night and want to cry because you’re so lost and you don’t know why but your eyes are dry
     Because when you broke that was the last time you felt tears stream down your face, built up a wall in haste against everything
     Against the world, against yourself, against me, against feelings, against healing, against sanity.
     You forgot that you’re kind, you lost your mind, drowning in the sound of nothingness, you tried to keep adrift but you just couldn’t
     On rainy days you stand out in the backyard, hair dripping as the sky cries, clothes soaked as you’re lost in thought because you just cannot deal with yourself.
     You live alone in your world but as soon as someone tries to approach you, you’ve curled yourself up into a ball, shoving them away to say ‘I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry.’
    You’ve learned to protect yourself against the world even though you were perfect before, an angel but you just ignored that you were because you didn’t believe it, but now you kinda need it
     Because you’re wearing yourself so far down that even the kingdom in your mind has rejected your crown, your rule, you’re hoping you can jump in a swimming pool, a lake, a river, a body of water, and drown, sinking into the deep
     But it’s difficult when you fall asleep because everything you ever get is nightmares but when you tell people, it seems like they don’t care but I have and always will so no need to take those stupid pills just come fall into my arms you won’t come to any harm don’t be alarmed because we’ll be okay
     Yeah, we’ll be alright if by the break of daylight you can soundly fall asleep and you’ve had enough to eat so your skeleton won’t show, not that anyone would know but me
     Because I see through your act, all your costumes and masks all your brave attempts to hide just what lays inside because I know you
     No matter what you do, slash and burn me, I’ll still love you even if to you I’m a tool
     Destroy me just so long as you can preserve your best self, and lay my body to rest on the ‘Used’ shelf because I don’t want you to be bruised from the times I hurt you
     At least I died knowing you love me too.

I miss you like Hell
I’ve been through Hell missing you

I'll love you when you don't
I'll love you, head to toe
I will love your very soul
Every fiber of your being, every evening when it's cold
I'll warm your bones
Will deflect the sticks and stones
Because I never want you to be alone
Take away all the bullet holes
Take your scars, make them my own
Because you are my home
I'll raise you up and make you whole
Help you be the best you you'll ever know
Just stick around, please don't go
I can help you down this bumpy road
Don't believe the bad things you've been told
And I will hold you hand as we stand when we are old
Never letting go because we'll be bold
Every single night I'll fold your hands in mine, time and time, we shall uphold
The love I shared with you, dared to let it shine through, break the mold
If I had to sell a part of me for a life I can see with you then I'm sold
Let's run away, let go of the loneliness thrumming through our bones
Never lead astray, kept in the zone
Just keep listening to my silly poem
As we roam

I have to find something to do with my hands
Even when my mind grows tired and bored
Even if it means playing the same old games
As long as my fingers are floored

You were the one who turned my head towards yours and kissed me
You were the one who made promises
You were the one who loved me

But you were always the one to walk away

Keep this chill out of my bones
You’re not around as much anymore
To talk to me when I’m lonely or bored

I must be a *******

I saw you standing there, in fields of vision
There were clovers at your feet
You were holding a bouquet
Your face held rosy cheeks

I drank you in with the liquid sunshine
As flowers bent their heads
They were showered with praise
But I got insults instead

The storm clouds then started rolling in
And you were so afraid
Thorns started swallowing you up
But you said you'd be okay

I'm in love with your skeleton, I'm in love with your bones
I love your tongue and your teeth, your flesh and your ghost
But the thing that I hate, is the one I hate the most
When you disappear into thin air, leaving me alone

Eggs and toast on a plate for you
Didn’t you know you were hungry, too?
Starving until I could see right through you

Did you know I can see your bruises
Opened up, ******, blue wounds and
You stayed up and stared at my room’s walls

Trying to fall asleep and I know
You can’t just let it all go
It’s gonna hurt you if you don’t
But you can’t go home

Your shoulders are bare now
You tell me you’re scared of yourself
But what if I told you
That it’s not your fault

You thank me for small things
When I barely do
Everything that I can, I can do for you

Trying to fall asleep and I know
You can’t just let it all go
It’s gonna hurt you if you don’t
But you can’t go home

I know you’re not used to the love I have for you
I know you’re not used to not being abused
And I can’t forgive, forgive who did this to you
Even though it’s not my fight, do you know I’d fight for you

You are the only one who I will let undo the zipper down my back, ever so carefully, your fingers working overtime, and I can feel them trailing down my spine, so fine, so fine. Your gaze is so steady and determined, and sometimes I can't make eye contact, but I do my best. Forgive me, I wasn't dressed for being undressed. For being addressed so directly, I'm used to confrontation, and your care disintegrates every part of me that was angry at, and tired with, the world. I don't know how to respond sometimes to the love you give me, unused to being able to get so close, to be so close. To be able to lift my face and drink in your features without being scolded, and I am ever so thirsty.