I just want to love you
...I've decided.
And it's not what/you're/expecting
It's not what you've.come.to.know.
You see,....as I walked with the stars
tonight;
It occurred to me....
....What most call 'love' isn't so...at all...
What most call love...
Is merely a loan....

They give their 'love'
But if not returned...(it is expected to be returned{and often with interest})
Well,...there is disappointment/resentment/even the///antonym...{howdaresheafteralltheloveI've....}
That kind of 'love' is merely a bar//gain...
That kind is a ne-go-ti-at-tion of give/and/ receive...that.is.a.......loan...
That is Banking 101.

I'm not going to loan you.

I've decided {iamhelplesstoresist} to love you...
...I am in love with you...
And who doesn't love being in love...?
I mean,...I'm elated
I could burst just thinking your name
I am grinning like a fool [when I think of things I want to tell you]
And my step is lighter>And my heart is fuller> And my laugh is quicker>and the world is a warmer place....
...Like this...
And I am grateful.
...and I need nothing from ...you
You never have to even... know...
I just get to selfishly enjoy loving you  {eyes,mouth,voice,words}
On
My
Own

So,..I've decided to. l o v e. you
.....And I'm so h/a/p/p/y.

,...now
whatcouldyoupossiblywant¿
you're rea  _  ch  _  ing  _ ou _ t
when-we-both-know
that door's ~~******* | shut |
all. those. times.
you { ****** {me {in
just to spit> me >out >
oH; you're_wind//ing/ it/ up
again
& i'll dive 》right 》in
cuz\ ****\ if \i
can
@lovemyself
enough
to  ]] resist ]]

You...were alwaYs
so hectic in.the.Morning
How I should just call you
Mis
take

But,...now I have. Your.
Dog.  I think he's
Stay(unlike you)ing

And lying next
to me
I should thank.you.

You left.
and gave me...
thegreatestloveiveeverknown.

sensSssssse_ d you
<before> i heard you [gasp]
<before >
i ^saw ^you
<before> i//just//knew you
were there
walk _ing by
{allstripes/greeneyes/purplehair;}
&how;¿come¿really
as》if
hundredsofmiles
thousandsofbodies
aren't 》enough
funny _ how
we-could-both-pretend
to| not| see|
the second. biggest. lie.
of them
all
ex {c} cept that
it didn't
mean. a. thing.

When you were pack\ing\up
》》Back to New York
I. was. so. ready... to let it go
But-then-you twisted it up
You dug^your^self^in^
,...at the very-last-moment
and SaiD allofthethings
I nev.   er // ev.  en knew;
{I wanted to hear}
so;,... youcalleddibs
And I thought. you. meant. it.
I went-along-for-the-ride
until I >could>not>dream>of>a>time
                   with out
                      YoU
And precisely once/I/told/you/so;
you van.      ish.            ed

You don't gettodecide
if. you. hurt. me; ....darling
that's enTIRE {d}ly
up to....Me

i
have. never.
known;
letters//
nouns
the tri,....
                 ck,...
                           le of
words
To Simply Say
whatever-it-is-i-mean
i mean~
You. Are. the pin ch
in my chest
the> pull >>of >each breathe
EvERy
#sadlovesong
& when you
~}{hold my hand}{~
I
Am.

the words. don't. come.
so e as ily
these _ days
not so much <at all>
whatdoihavetosay
[when] she is no longer
^listen^ing^ ^^
}}wooden}} {{chimes{{
cl _an _ k  around
like her° name° in° my° head°
& her-voice-in-my-chest
₩hen you've had her
in your skin\ \ bones\ \ breath
once she's.             gone.....
what's.    really.
¿left.

i've gotten a
few^ new^ tattoos
sinceyou'veknownmyskin
one for me//
two for you; and
>the >gap >
in my chest
that's. all. yours.
& the words
& the hues
[all the beautiful colors]
that I long to hear
And; there's my love
for the sea/sky/stars
an alliteration of
all _ of _ the _ things i
thought\ that\ i \wanted
& i can't find _ any _ piece
of the peace. I. once. knew.
the time before ev^er^y^thing
myworldbeforeyou

be _ ginnings arethebest
...the spinning swell of joy. in. your. chest.
the hours con((sum))ed
by thoughts,...she/ and /you

pinS. Sss and g _ lass
workingupto a 》》kiss
reading ev\er\y mo ve me n.  t
dizzy in-the-bliss

The plung@ing thro>>ugh
...places so Un//shown
Un _ sure Un _ seen
Un ^^^^imaginable  Un~ known

and you knot your. whole. existence;
in an
        ti
          ci
             pa
                    ........tion of  _  her _  lips
Fingers slow》ly.  edg》ing closer
press. Your. thumbs. Into. her. _  _  _  hips

You'd/say/anything to see¡ that¡ smile¡
...how; her laugh can-make-your-day
And her e y e s will make you w^o^n^d^e^r
If you'll
....everseeanother c o l o r.......a/gain

O <youknow> the words
sound so simple
~Letting ~you ~~~    go
but; ha¡ there you are¡
In. My. Skin.
& it's a ''knee ''****
a {{back {bend
a hair 》pull
purple bruise
| paper | cut |
where¿doieven¿begin
spl/it/tin/g /cel/l/s
unwish-those-wishes
....to° the° moon°
Unkiss
     Unhold
          Undress
& back a _ gain
you're in [you're in] you're in
left < to < face
the GReater truth:
there is no
                   UnDo > you.

I guess I de
Serve it.

Split open my chest
rip out what's left//left//left/right//left...

left to wonder/obsessed

Hanging
~Tangled in the words~

torture

Give me cursing/screams/mock me to
...tears.

But please.dear.god.

the smothering solitude of...

[                                            ]

If only\i didn't
feel. you. in. my. skin.
If only\my bones could
forget° where° they've been°
If only\my mouth could taste
anything other. than. you.
If only\i'd been more than
just your' sw'ee't lit'tle' fo'ol'
If only\i could be
what ~you're ~looking ~for
If only\i could stop
w _ ant _ ing m _ ore
If only\i'd never
had-you-in-my-mouth
If only\my love had been
the. love. that. counts.
If only\i could peel myself
^off ^of ^the ^floor
If only\wishes
could | open | the door
If only\our moments
hadmeantsomuchmore
If only\i could forget you
& know what it is was
FoR...

it's ^not ^so ^much
that i can't seem to
| decide |
just whateveritis you want.
from. me.
it's the spoons-you-favor
to hollow》 me》out
that hurt¡ the most¡
my dear
it's never a clean cut
because i /rare{ly} see / it
coming
{hush, now it'snotyourfault
to know~any~better you
would have. to. know.
yourself}
so just _ keep _ digging _ in
i'll keep #breakingdown
hoping you >go >ahead & take
whateverisleft
}while you're{
at. it.

how i wish you
would{n't} call
your voice
》shoves 》me 《back《
livingroom\ _waltzes\ _ _
[ed> ray > amos]
~singing ~our ~songs
Tuesday ○pancakes○
&you;
inthosetiiiiIiiiinyshorts
Sundays _ trippin' _ in _ the _ sand
waves&clouds;
snuggledupintowels
cho/k/ing°°
on° laughs° as
umbrellas wisSsk byyyyyyyyyyy
all. that. slow. lovin.
<inourcozysheets>
& your breath [onme] was
all. i. could. ever.
need.
it | was | just |
a moment ago
i swear;
when-you-call
[mydarlingsweetestlove]
it's {no} hellllllll - p
At. All.

Honesty; A Funny Thing
everyone says it's what they want
but what they need is a reflection
of their own thoughts

i have been honest
i say what i feel \ feel what i say
keep giving chunks of this heart away
pieces of me strung all over the place

and the poet and the writer
who've camped in my chest
the aristist i married
wrecking ***** & trainwrecks

all one-in-the-same
they each dug inside
...some with spoons//
...some with knives

you <<< remind me
of
this girl
i used to love; one fall
when i fe
                 ll
for ^her ^words
& her song
tr _ ip _ , _ ping a _ lon _ g
there was ever so
M _ u _ cH
to | say |
untiltheday
she .wouldn't. speak.
{at all}
&  i 》headed 》
home
tomywaves & mysand
with-a-question-mark
& the nerve to write
[153]
#poems
about°
     * her

how do I
| S | T | O | P |
beinginlovewithyou
there. you. are.
with_  your_ whiskey _ and_ your
hammock\truth.
& you can change-your-look
i see you; the same
know the girl^ in ^love ^with ^words,
romance//minutes lost in a kiss
while i'm just spilling letters
pouring myself; in vain
& IT'S the gravel and the gl***
stU. Ck in between each s/w/al/   low
as i search the rhymes
for ~ some ~》reason
¿when will you ¿ever¿
come a/ gain¿

i want to know
how_ it_  would
FeeL
in. your. arms.
sob.        bing
       [free]
justholdme
it's been a >long >life
up; to now
& i just need
some\one\to\be\naked
with
{but} leave my clothes
       .on.

maybe
you've-had-it-right
all/  a/    long
i. don't. know.
how.
toslowthislove;
D.  O.        wn.
~~sp~in~
sWEll
some\shallow\attempt
《 》》 to inhale》
your <lips>
in. my.      mouth.
fing er s on
my _ veins
thighs@myshoulders
your )( redolence )(
your-hair
the mellllllttttt
we = feel
your °look°
my
STare
& who w{c}ould
ever
(want to)
For _ Get
that¿
[my] dear

silence
ScrEamS your
c
H
o.   <youcouldhavejustsaid>
i
C
e

YOU;,...didn't have to
LeT the flo
                wers,...die
To
prove/a/point

Be_cause
The only lie^i^told^
was when i said the
Po
    Ems
Weren't a\b\o\u\T
you, Y o u, {o, u, Y}¿

>>>>Mostly
i.just.want.you.
To have(andtohold)
Allofthethings
....EVEN IF
it's
with//so {me} one
//else...

i just want
to feel
something
again
because you showed me
there was more and now
i've forgotten
how to inhale
it doesn't come so
easily
spinning all my
hours
stuck in between
your hazel & the silence
that
waits for me there

ahhhhh
just the l e t t e r s
of. your. name.
{in my head}
i get so
》ahead of 《《 myself
no _ thing can be the
same
it's so uncool
& yet
i'm so sure
#stars
i see
[justlikeme]
are han     ing
               g
^up ^there^
hoping to get >>closer<<
to
__ you

call it
whatyouwill
there's {no} room for
shame
that-slipped-through
a. long. time. ago.
dear.
she's> taken> up; with
pride.
each/ does/ so/ well/
To
stay _ out _ of _ your
sight

it's sup _ pos _ ed to be
a | memory |
《Left《 behind
yet i'm riding shotgun
with. a. stranger.
only ^to ^see
McGarthy Jewelry Sign
<<gold//green//gold//green>>
glowing 2nd avenue
inevernoticedtheway
* it's * lit * up *
they-have-such-pretty-things
{& you}
&rings;
i wonder what i could choose
~for ~you
[[silly me]]
alliholdnow
is _ your _ name

iknowiknowiknow
you are just  _ that _ ache
that hurt. that. will. not.
go.
》》》》away
LEss of an op^en^ wou^^^^nd than 108
,...days a _ go
}whenthe15thofNovember}} was my
fa ~vor~ite~
MorE than a purple bruise
₩hat was there//somethingaboutme; you thought. you. could. use.
[until _ you _ did _ n't]
my blind can't help me now
you seeped into^ these^ bones
&itjustwon;'t;leave
me
a
[lone]

such a
re>>lease
you. You. U.
[finally]saidthewords
i need
to~ get~ me~
off my
#knees
all this
_ _ time I
| re | fus | ed |
^to ^ see^
     {it's you}
it's/not/me

t t t tttap the clever
W O R D S;,...
they just
           w _ a _ _ i _ _ _ t  there

some//thing
i can't press in my palms
tugs. at. my. skull.
twistsupmyspine

it doesn't feel good
this\trying\to\feel\  a  n  y  thing
then _ there's
bodies; I need

it's just a {mirage}
to  >linger  >upon
so intricate in e^ver^y^de^tail
evenyoucannot  #see

let's go back.  to.  the. start.
Texts-and-Snaps
late-night-talks

can\we\start\over,..?
re­read Clementine
andcrytogether,...

how about a re//do?
Before;...I overusedmyverbs
and you would\n't hear. me. anymore.

I could turn-down-the-noise
...to a suit/ab/le level
for us to continue
...ex》ploring each》 other

I want {you} to be back
whenall_ I couldhopefor
...was. your. lipPsSsss
awake\every\night
...with °thou°ghts° of. your. kiss.

Before my s/t/u/p/i/d
₩,...romanTIC...°°mind
Caved>> every//thing//in

But,..then;.... a_gain,...

maybewewereneverreally
meant;... to be
...JUst,... friends

~ wi~n~ding~
     through
the
     desert
just ^after ^^°dawn
nooneontheroad
it's _ cool & it's _ warm
the stillness holds. me.
#funnyhow
i \don't \feel \the \least
bit \lonely
[alone]
mean _ while _ the moon is
uP ^there ^all. day.
__ long.
&idon;'treallynotice;
maybe if you ask
all the lovers
who've 《《come _ &gone.;
"there//there"
(just breathe)
~see~ the
tiny-yellow-grasshopper
has >come >a >long
for
the ride¿
}.gentle reminder.{
all-in-all it's all a crutch
mov》ing 》for》ward 》
is ¡ all ¡ i've
got ¡
&
it's
<eno*ugh

st | u |ck in rearviews
~what ~could ~have ~been
...sa...[buried]...nd...
istilltasteyou{r}
hand-in-mine
i hear you{r}
smile
on. my. lips.
>driv>ing> 14> h> ours>
to _ share _ an _ afternoon
/gone/ too/ soon/
ifanyoneisasking
& you don't

wAKing UP
Next>> to you
In~   hale 》breathe. you. IN
you,.you,.....your ten《so soft》der skin
how it hasn't felt
quite. like. this.
so en>twin>>ed
so right, right, right
as if we've held. _  that  _  space
100s of;... times.
wh\  is\ per\ s. S. s. about our Iives
tra》》cing your arm
KiSSing your s  p  i n   e
such peaceful moments
losing-the-time
touching like this,...
...my fa vore ite
& it's as if We'VE BEEN here
be, {some other life} fore
so ~at~ease~
...in. your. arms.
I suppose;,...
it's  //like//
,.... *home

If only...
you were a.  p
                            o
                            e­
                            m

I could e.  r.  a. s. e.

[                 ]
[                 ]

each line...

...I could

ecapskc a b

every.  ...   l e t t e r

1.
at.
a.
time.

If only...you were

A ~ s°     n°
            O.      G.~~~

I could hit

               S }>k}>i}>p}>

I could p.r.e.s.s.

_mute

...l o v e...

comes¡so¡quickly¡

《yet》

..... FORGET///ing

takes

so  -  d/a/m/n/e/d/

loooooooooooooooonnnnnnnngggggggg

cotton sheets
my<&you;>knees
somanysyllables
@fadeddreams
all i see
is. your. skin.
hazel blinks
s _
       ink
            ing 《 in
&yourlaughterinmymouth;
is-the-sweet-est.   Taste
where/gra/vi/ty
fails. to. exist.
allthereis
has _ never _ been

my<&you;>knees = and you between my knees

¿what¿ is it
you want. from. me¿
peel >back >my >sk _ in
sw _ im in my ma  _  rr _ ow
pl uck my pr ide from your p ocket
maybe i can get ^ up ^ off ^ my
knees;  _ pl ease
therearen'tmanybitsleft
"of "" me""
a \ghost \of \who \i / used / to /be
your lips brought [an early]
''":death:": '' to me
these eyes/these eyes
so  | blindly |  see
yet,...here i stay
}}camped}
    .at. your. feet.

can't keep your hands
  .off.
yet i know  <youknow>
i'm so rarely On. your. mind.
you _ keep _ youself _ so
busy
you have-so-little-time
be | smashme | tween
momentsofyourlife
i ~make  ~you ~sing
i<breathe<you> back> to> life
& once it's. Done.
you {back}step
in^^double^^time^^
while i'm busy
...//...mark. ing. .. //. ..   mine...

you. don't. get. to.
choose {really}
it's-just -some-melt;
you don't
ex _  pect
the ~ way ~ her ~lips
>move
anytime; she says your
name°
[just a hint of a lisp]
\ she leaves you \
@stalled:..........
& there   ^you    ^are
     sm i *ling

but wait,...I had s. o. m. e. hope
itfeltsostrange in my body
so displaced on-my-tongue
let's just be honest; I knew that it didn't
be\Long

it's a place I've. come. to. know.
A little {A lot} Too Well
it's sick; i've found there's a comfort
~in the broken~
grown "ac"cust"om"ed" to this hell

oh-sweet-love; i don't have the vanity to
pretend
...that your g. o. n. e.  doesn't a\c\h\e\
... my whiskey bears witness to how
my >hands> qui>ver > and> shake

spendingmy nights
on-the-living-room-floor
dra _ gg _ ing>>>  a cigarette
while 'ole Keaton sings... my... songs...

^H^op^E^ is wish _ ful th°in°king°
better saved for those who-know-it's-worth
cause I've tossedthedice; and/my/love
,... and it {just} hasn't been,... e n o  **ugh.

Remember how it started...
Rasberry mocha
....Postcard from Chicago
Making love on the lifeguard tower
How we we soaked the sheets
.... in your apartment...that
Blistering summer

Pedaling through sunshine
To find the largest brews
...Reading in bed
Making a home...

Our kitten burrito
...Lazy afternoons
Spooning to football
...on the sofa

Your Masters show
Sundays in the print room
...The giant press
It took both of us to turn the wheel

My favorite friend
My favorite laugh
How I fell so much more in love with you
...each time you sang to me...
{****** voice}
......'Mon Cheri' Amore'

Our nephews...so tiny in our hands
... Christmas gingerbread
And quarters on the living room floor
Standing in the rain for hours to help a stranger;...78 bites later

I never felt more beaUtiful than
that day// in that dress// I do and I did
How we fit so perfectly/puzzled
...but we still fell to pieces

what do i know
fumbling through
some limp aspirations
of still feeling whole

why did you come
and go; I'll never know
the wreck in my chest
can't bare to forget

traded vowels & consonants
rearranged the rhymes
don't know what we found
meanings or consequence

some mirrored articulation
as I lived on your lips
for too few hours
but you fit so nicely around these
knuckles as your breath
filled the room
[and that little whimper is] the most favorite sound I've ever heard

bu* _ ck _ led t _ i _ es
b £ lurr€d £in€s
WhenYourM __ outh
& your (( hands ((
don't - say - the - same
thing/s dear.
[try to be cl.      ear]
i know >> it's a stra >>>in
when¡ roses¡ have¡ thorns¡
whO    kNOws {what ¿ for}
doesn'thavetomeanathing;
you\do\ and. /you/don't

there. was. a. time.
coun' ting' '  stars' ' '
poems\rhymes
the Sssssmell of
eu^ca^lyp^tus trees//
the ~sounds ~ of ~
tangerine
[&aquamarine;]
your liPpPs;
my _ dream _ s

》》now i
hold. all. this. (                    )silence;
{however || tenderly}
along-with-my-whiskey
& the
€ternit¥
BeTw | EE | n
ea" ' ch. " " tick." ' '
' of
' the
.. ' .. ' .. clock

it was your
{birth}
Day
of course you were on. my. mind.
HaRD to for//get
YoU

I h op e you had the
Sun
onyourface
cold Duvel in-your-fist
friends all a round
Mariah sing _ ing
》》FuLL BL,.....aaaa...ssssTTT

I h op e the air smelled like
Wet leaves&pin;;&the; subtle brine
Of your be _ love _ d harbor

I h op e your toeswereinthesand
& the waves¡ were¡ crashing¡¡ merrily¡¡
atyourfeet
writing your name/swigging whiskey/ dancing. with. the. breeze.
... as you ...
watched the sun
                            set,
hearing >the >hues >
orangeandred,orang&red;,orange/red

I h op e you _ let _ loose _ the
tied-up-ends in your heart
forgot/about/your/hurt
if. only. for. a. heartbeat. (ormore)
& yourealizedthebeauty
the l.  U. C. k.
of the world
that~ you ~ were ~ born

I h op e you fel{l}t so high
you. forgot. the. ground.
in those moments
you filled-your-lungs with air
&recalled; the beauty
and ^ the ^ grace
that are all
yoUrs,...

..I wish all. of. these. things.
for;... you
on your
day{birth}