Love me, hold me, touch my face when I cry, hold my hand when we are just walking. See that this fall i constantly feel is just relative to a changing world that i just imagine...but to everyone else is solid...so really...I'm probably not ever moving.

I'm not shiny, but I can't tell if this rust I see on myself is real.

I am crumpled from at least 3 different angles.
I will always have love for her.
You were a brother to me.

I always saw you, both of you.
I knew you lied.
I knew your insecurities.

I saw your affect.
I lost trust in one of you.
I know this hate is just bitter love.

3 reasons I love and hate both of you.

You came back again to remind you of what we are really made of.
Not the shined version a picture might see,  the true reasons and moments that have made you who you are.
They are clustered together in some form of a man but you are not really solid.
Thousands of little rocks and pebbles each with its own memory of good or bad.
I've lost count of which ones I truly am.

There was something, is something, will be something.
There is my new dream
finally content to image the impossible
and this time I can add the 'almost'.
I havent figured out the world yet where we come together
but I am trying
the distance between our bubbles is shrinking
even if its only in my head.
No longer does this seem so pathetic
imagining a moment, a kiss, a hand
the feeling of you
the way it changes, everything.
I think I'm able to hope again
this time without fears or improbability
not sure it its the lack of daily altering or your kiss
but everything says its going to be ok.



*Winter2001

Sometimes its hard for me to understand what the hell is the point of all of this.
I used to believe my purpose was to build a life that could support me and in turn support a wife and family. But I've come to understand that the reality isn't a chance for my dreams to come true. At all points in my life I've always thought that there was the ability to change everything I had into something better.
Now I see that this is my reality, something that cannot change. How am I going to live with this ugly face for the rest of my life without breaking down. I am stuck in this skin with only my messy handwriting to escape to.
My faith in love has faltered, I wouldn't even believe it exists if I see it again. By not caring about others eyes I can find a little solitude but that always leads me to want more that I have. I hate these stupid people and all these ugly thoughts. My life feels disgusting at all points of the day. Every image in my head breeds hatred and anger for the people I once loved. I know I am nothing special anymore, so now I have nothing to offer this world.
All my words just keep repeating because they are all I ever feel.
Over and over I want to be mad, I want to be loved, I want to be special to one person.
I want what I know I'll never truly have.
I hate me, I hate this world, I hate because I can't Love anymore.



*Spring2003

It hurts so much to talk to you and know that it isn't the highlight of your day anymore.
It hurts so much to hear every goodbye, each abrupt ending just reminds me how much more I still feel for you.
I feel so idiotic feeling that I still want you.
Yet even if you did want me, as if you would have an epiphany that I am the one...it would make almost no difference in our physical lives, you are so far away.
I'm waiting for what...? Until the day I am out of school and suddenly we live together beginning the rest of our lives??
How stupid is that.
So unconceivable, definitely not reasonable.
I'm unreasonable...unreasonably in Love.



*Winter2002

I slipped into your eyes today.
As the seconds slowed and her gaze lingered,
a new flame was born in my mind.
You came in through my windows,
gathering soundless words as kindling for my fire.
I am brightened with the presence of you.
Sparks started to fly and begin to spread,
wakening all the hibernating seeds of thoughts and dreams.
With each look they grow stronger and taller,
I am now captivated by your world.
Each moment that passes only reminds me of the could be.
The whisper of your breath along my skin stops my heart.
Around you I am flustered,
how can I talk when your beauty takes my breath away.
Come closer to me and hold my hand.
These shivers down my spine are for you.
What could be is only in tomorrow.
So what do you want to do today?



*Summer 2001