A day of roses and wine.

Everyone's posting their Valentine.

I awoke, grabbed my cat from the end of the bed
And we fell back asleep for what
Felt like quite some time.

I sit in steam rooms with a dear friend
Let the toxins you didn't believe in
Slowly release, expel, drip down
My glossy swan like skin.

I sit at pastel table clothed desks
I throw my head back when I laugh
I adorn my hair with pretty little things
As it grows strong, long
And do squats at the gym until
My muscles are good and sore.

I look into the mirror
At dilated eyes
And take in the fever
Of letting another one
Go.

It is bitterly cold
I am not able to embrace it
Nor do I hate it
I just know its not for me
Or mine.

I drink coffee until I'm hungry
I answer emails in a hurry
I'm always pushing a chest of drawers
Up a cavernous mountain
With a little help from my friends
But mostly on my own.

I listen to music, commanding google
I wonder who is together
Who is alone.

I ponder and sometimes feel anger
At the way life topples everything onto you at once
All while needing to unpack my baggage
Into a safe haven.

I recognize there is no going back
Maturity sings songs to me
Of only moving forward
Even though it is immensely uncomfortable
Even though bitterness threatens to reckon my name
Even though the cold reminds me of the heat
I must create on my own.

Sunshine and palm trees
Loom and zoom near me
I know I'll get to them in time
In time
In time.

The journey as always
Is just getting started.

It's just me with me again.

I changed my table cloth
Made some tea
Cryin' into the empty seat.
Learning to love that sometimes empty
Empty seat.

Scheduled out
Hit with truths
Don't wanna expose myself to someone
Who can't support
Gotta pack
But I'm here writing
Moving on
Moving through
Moving on
Moving through.

It was so good to be wanted by you for a time.

Though the wanting did feel as though
It was fading
Like when my newly blonded hair, the roots start to shine through
And I was out here thinkin' and hopin'
I was out here
Always longing for more than you
Wanted to give me
So.

I deleted all our events, vacation
Threw away items
Boxed up pictures
Lit fire to my fears
And I wonder if you're laying in bed
Watching tv endlessly
Leaning into the love and friendliness
Of your headset
Enjoying your phone not buzzing
Enjoying your phone not buzzing
By me.

And I know in time
You'll so miss that buzz from the bee
From the bee you tried to
Squeeze the honey out of
Only for your own use
Though it was always you
Who was sure to never claim
The ways you hurt me
The ways you put me down.

There was a time when you were so proud
It was like through the screens of our phones
I could sense, or want to sense
Your pride, your joy
To get to be with
Little, mighty, magical me.

I know it must have been a delight
And clearly such a damper
To be with someone who shines so brightly
And I wonder if you're already out there looking again
Trying to quiet the sound of my absence
Trying to quiet the sound of my goneness.

You said once you loved when I wrote you poems
And I wanted to imagine you
As more cheerful
Than you presumed.

I'll miss the songs we sang
Or when we would play video games
And you would refer to us as
We. We. We. We.

Maybe thats what all this was for
And I don't think I'll ever
Forget the way we tried to adore
But I was always looking for more
I was always looking for more.

I'm glad it was so on my terms
All of it
And you'll never know the true weight
Of how much I learned from you
And a part of me still sorta hopes
That you'll want to try again.

But I give up.
For now I give up
The way you couldn't look at me
That morning before you left
When you denied my embraces
When you denied your embraces

Release me if you cannot stand next to me.

Release me if you cannot stand next to me.

I texted it to myself today watching the texts appear
In gray
Blue.

Watching it become
Delivered
Wondering what it must have felt like to
T y p e.

I even tried to
Act out maybe
The feelings you had
When you typed those fatal-
I s t i c words.

As if I've driven someone away again
As if I fought all the way through
Because I knew I wasn't right for you
Because you weren't
Quite right for me.

I miss you so
I scrolled through our texts
Just to get a sense of it
The love we so tried to
Conjure up, keep, frame.

I know you cannot see it this way
But you
Oh you
You were no easy feat
With a bucket of broken glass kind of attitude
You reminded me of jet black paint
Sliced onto once pale walls
I know you wanted me so bad
Though as time grew on,
You grew worse and worse
At expressing it.

I tried to accept your love languages
And the lack of language you couldn't acknowledge
And as the sun goes down
In the Chicago city
The arctic tundra
I call it
I prepare to finally close my eyes.

I've been waking up so early
Talking to myself
Out loud or in my mind
Clearing the space of everything once you
Once us
And it always bothered me
You never hung up the picture of us
On your wall.

I hope
All I can do is hope
That you do reach
A thing you always struggled to do.

Don't write me off
Not the way you have others
I loved you the best I could
And we both deserve to acknowledge
And move forward

Even if it's apart for good.

So thats really it then I suppose.

It's so cold.
Its gotten so cold here.
Another year of canceling
Refunding, moving, changing
Valentine's day plans.

Little things make me cry
But then again they always have.

I haven't worn make up all week
Because I'm trying this thing
Where I really just trust myself
And because I know it would periodically
Just get rained on from the somewhat frequent swelling of my eyes
Knowing you are gone.

I wonder if you will come round
If we will talk
Exchange
Logistics
Peace.

I've had to
I've been longing to
I've had to
Be filled up with so much noise
As blood trickles down from the deep v between my thighs
I gave so much of my all
I always give so much of my all.

I hope that you are okay.

And I hope that you hope that I'm okay.

I imagine you
In your little very lived in
Jet black room
And the jet black feeling
You always gave to me.

I meant it when I said I would forever love you
Though that love was not sustainable
Or could last a life time long
Or was the kind of love where I could sit in the
Further pain, confusion
Waiting for you and yours
To choose.

So I asked to be set free
And maybe you didn't want to let me
But you did
With your little big jet black feeling.

You fought so hard for this
I gave you all I had
I wish you no ill
I hope you feel love towards me still.

Our lips did not kiss
The love we had we held together
With thimbles and fear
With my thimbles, my fear
I am sorry
I am sorry.

But I know this is best for me.

And now I allow the palm trees to call out to me.

I'm so badly
Trying to figure out how to
Be strong enough
How to be confident enough
How to stomach how to be
Your wonderful dreamy woman.

And I think it might be because
I've spun into circles
Seen all the ways it can go wrong
And I voice my reasons, my darkest thoughts
After waking up feeling so grateful
I know I'm always looking
Hunting
For some reason to let it ache.

I know you have seen the monsoons
The mountains you lost yourself on
I acknowledge in what would be
I'm sure beautifully written
Dialogue, minilogues
How to best relationship
How do we best
Relationship.

You found me when I was thinking
I'd step no where else
For quite some time
Unless it was into the sun
And I'd be there starting again.

I spoke so highly of you last night
When people compliment the way
I seem to be with you
The way we are
I light up inside, all while at the same time
I fear being able to be so happy
I fear being able to truly be safe
I fear what it means to just
Let it be.

I said this morning
I've always known it would take a warrior
To be with little ole mighty me
The woman who is profound and uniquely unique
A woman who has been through so much
She carries it around in the veins of her clothes
I don't want to be that woman anymore
I don't want to carry around my romantic tragedies
As though it has somehow defined who I am.

I just want to laugh
With you in that way I do
When we carry on and on
And your face lights up
Like you can really see me
And it doesn't matter who in this world
We flirt or crush on
Or entertain just for a single moments time
Because its you I choose
And its me you choose.

Venus fly traps and all.

There was a time
Where all I did was write
Lately its been feeling so quiet
More chore like.

I've been getting caught on up inside
Dollar signs
Coins collapsing from the ceiling
High rise, theres so much I want
But I'm still just right here
I gotta live in the right here.

And if I had the money
I'd go on a little solo adventure
I'd go see the sun
Write post cards again
Get lost in the mountains
See a shaman
And chant oh how, oh how
I love and accept myself
Oh how I love and accept myself.

This is the most I've ever stood in one place
In little big sweet winter Chicagoland
And I haven't been feeling quite as inspired
I'm just trying to keep swimming.

Sometimes I fear aging
Decaying
Growing.

I know not where life will lead
And its a scary thing
No promises are real promises
I remember when my hair was starting to grow back out
My cat eyeliner thick
I wore my eyes the same way back then
Because I thought I had to I think.

Atlanta
I wondered if that was where I should go discover myself next.

I decided against it for now
My hair getting closer to finally
At long last
But really pretty fast,
Nearly hitting my collarbone.

And I remember
When I allowed myself to play second fiddle
Because just a little bit of you
Was enough for me at the time.

I'm not in that place anymore now
I don't share my love or my lover
There is a lightness ahead
I'm not moving to Atlanta
I don't write nearly as many poems
I'm not fighting for the attention
Only providing
A halfway
Love.

So I think to myself
Why can't I just be happy then
Why can't I get more genuine rest then
Why

If I can just find enough happiness
To truthfully and really live
In the right now I print on every surface so much
What a better me
I'll be.

you were like
stepping into a time zone
from another place, another time
all lowercase letters
no taste for whiskey
a little feather, a little lime.

i would send you sweet poems
try to dress you with how to do me better
you wrote me back only twice
twice.

i read you my letter
though you were fearful of conjuring up
your own wounds
i spoke of the insight
i previously did not have
that if someone had asked me
i would have said you had none
you had none.

i mentioned not being able to get away from
either of you
and that it was me with my eyes open
lots of lessons learned you said
with the flight of your jokes
your ability to beef it all up
with a banter that distracts
from the pain and awkwardness
i know you must feel.

we both knowledged
the beautiful art that we created together
you told me at the top
that you think about me a lot
that you hadn't forgotten me
and though i did not need that
though i did not ask for that
maybe my poetic heart needed to sleep on that
on this cold winter night.

I saw
I saw
I saw
That you're guh guh guh girrrrrl
She been blockin' me baby
She been blockin'
I sawawawawawhhh.

Its all okay though baby boo
I knew I did, I gotta get go
Gone outta the thick pus water bae by
Musta been hard to watch my pretty back go.


Musta been hard to watch my pretty back go.

We lighten up the load
With purpose
For our own hearts, our own vitality
And bring about
A strong loving depth
That we see the possibility of
That we embrace the grace of
And its you, its you.

Found what is now
An old photo of us
Sent it your way
I used to have all these fears
They still play out in my head
But I acknowledge them
I bid them farewell
Only paint on the walls
Inside the beautiful corners of my mind
And my mind alone.

Breaking through the gates of befores
And how comes
Fishnet along my legs tells the story
Of the way you look into my eyes
When you give your full self away to me
Which is always
Which is always.

You are like a breath of fresh icy
Cold air
It was like for a moment
Stepping into another time
Where the wind blew a little bit harder
Green screen text screens vibrated at me
Longer
And it was you I was so feverishly
So haphazardly had
Wanted to love.

I had not known a painful love
I wanted to try my hand at it
Texting in all lowercase
Quickly, bouncing the ball
Back so high into the sky
I watched it and I watched it
Soar, fly past the clouds
The sun, the moon
Beyond galaxies
Never to return.

I loved you from a distance
Because that is all you would allow
And I wrote about it in a letter
My cinematic brain feels intrigued
To potentially
Share
For me
For me.

We learned well
I learned well
There is no we here
Not for you and I
There never really was
And for that I am grateful
And for that I can take the knowing
That I did in fact
Leave a prism behind
A prism you didn't have the capacity to accept

And thank heavens.

I remember when
I'd let pieces of charcoal
Fall from fingertips
I'd sit low to the earth
On dark pink pillows
Bent over so studiously
Into the form of the pages
That rested on a black and gold table
We would later throw all of that
Sacred furniture out
I know not where it lies.

Black charcoal was my favorite medium
My speaker turned up so loud
I'd lay in bed or hover over that table
And let the pieces of coal speak for themselves.

After a dust had settled
On to the pages I had whistled, wimpered
Sang right on in
tooooo
With nimble fingers the sharp parts of the coal and I would
Create visions, stories,
Characters
Really.

Perhaps the remains
Lay somewhere in the piles
Or another little one
Leans over the table
Tool in hand
Creating from the inside.

Sometimes, lately mostly
I've been checking in
Remembering the worlds
That I was born within
And tonight
I noticed my hair is shinier
I allow myself to plant my feet into the earth
Ready, eager, rested
Must be rested
To be exactly where it is
That I am at.

I spent all this time
Slashing with sharp bright colors
Spinning in neon circles
I breathe life into my life
I breathe life into
Humility, gratitude
And a true confidence
I struggle to find
When the world is quieter
Than I'd like.

Its so noisy out here
At times in the veins of the harp
That I play like sweet eloquent sounds
When I'd frolic in the gardens
Of the sweet summer south
And ponder on the fairies
I had decided must live there.

Someone asked me recently
If I had published any work yet
And I think of all the things I hope to do
And all the coin I'm trying to raise and pave
My own way.

My own way

It took me some time to get to here
Perhaps 29 is looking into that
All while moving forward
With a present
Fortitude
Aptitude
With light
With humor
Grace.

It is chilly
My insides need some nourishment
Shoulda left my apartment
30 minutes ago
I get caught up writing
Instead.

I'll go soon
Go about this day
We all hibernating lately
And I think back on
The pain of last winter
Purple lips
Dark hair
Holding holographic pieces over my eye
It was so much work
I worked so hard.

I work hard this winter too
But its not for someone
Its for me
It feels like a new layer
And with that new layer
I'll be better suited
For the right now.

I am definitely drained
But not in a negative way
My days are just filled up with
People talking, listening, more talking
I feel sometimes like I'm supposed to just
Shut the **** up
Give less of a **** about myself
Like that would make the people I work with
More comfortable
Like when I'm too confident and into myself
Its a barrier, a danger
It makes them feel badly about themselves.

Can't help but clock the folx
That don't act supportive
In the way I wish they would
And theres much that I want
But I let it go
I'm practicing letting it go
And not letting anything or anyone control me
But me.

Its time to go get started on this day now
With maturity
With trust
With ease
With power
With love.

It is morning
The winter glow of the sun
Gently kisses my tan curtains
My tan skin slowly fades
Into a brisk pale white
I adjust, wear more clothes
I run and make myself sweat
Taking the time to incubate
Contemplate
Meditate
Regurgitate
My life, my past
In order to become better
Happier even.

We fill our flasks up with
A flowery filled little bit of
Space, sweet baby
My mind thinks on you with nothing
But adoration
In all of your natural glory
The ink on your skin
Showing me where you too, have been
Coffee cups, I love it when you wake up
And act like you live here too
I love it when you look on me
Your brown eyes glimmering
Like I'm it
Like I'm the one you have been waiting for all this time.

I hope this poem isn't too obtrusive
And that you can take some well deserved time
To watch your favorite movies
Work on your craft
Rest your beautiful and eccentric mind
While I kick up dust
My arms wide open
For you, and you alone.

It is nearly the weekend
I think as I prepare to finally crash and burn
Right on into it
I've been trying to write more
As I do the first strong mental check in
I've done in a long time
Where I clock the faces around me
That stand next to me so strong
With such love
And remember I am worthy
I am deeply lovable.

I know I questioned just how to
Attempt to be your perfect woman
But we both know perfection ain't interesting
And I think on that time
In the summer
When you said you loved it
When I sent you poems
Or the time I read some of them out loud to you
And my eyes and heart well up
Thinking back on how you teared up
And held me so tight
Easing with such love such grace
Like I make you the happiest anyone ever has
Into me, into my skin, into my heart
With your heart, with your skin, with your love
You so simply surrendered to me
I've never had anyone
So easily love me
For me.

And thats been part of the journey baby
Thats been part of whats been so new for me baby
I look at you and its all new
I look at you and I see this is the real deal
I look at you and I feel a beautiful joyous pain
Because with you and me
With me and you
It's the closest I've ever come.

It was in the way the suds of
Foaming bits of
Little babe, little me
Little pretty please
Bend me over and make me
Plead for you
With love, with passion
I take you all in
I have elected to strive
To take you all in.

I spent the past two nights just sinking into my couch
Smoking fumes, red wine makes it
Makes me so easy
So breezy like if I wanted to dangle
From the burnt orange cliffs
I sometimes think back on
I remember my early 20s
Life the whiff of perfume
Lasting and lean.

I want to share my insides with you
And I want you to share your insides with me too
I recognize your talents
And I just want you to recognize mine too.

I’ve always longed to be worshipped
Like the black sheep of the fam
I uncover, reveal
I delight with sweet words, eyes
Always hoping always longing to be
Special
Magical.

I spoke to fairies inside the nooks of the drawings I drew
And hid beneath the bowl my father kept his keys in
My mama hung up portraits of me around the house
I donned white gloves for debutante *****
And drank my first glass of poison at the ripe age of 15.

I was a competitive pretty sassy thing.
Growing into someone who released it on stage
Catharsis became my name
I took my drawings of fairies
And poetic sing songs
And put them into myself
Into the performance after performance
Of that stage actor life.

I’m not entirely sure sometimes how I ended up where I am now
Sometimes I feel such deep understanding of who it is that I am
That I feel such love
But sensitivity has snuck up into the corners of my
Naughty grins
And debating banter.

I feel for you so deeply
Now that I’m here standing firmly looking at you
The shadows I have once known appear again like
Stained glass
Like me staining glass one by one
I have so much to give
I know you can see that
I know you can see me
I don’t know I’ve ever fully been seen before
Please keep seeing me

In my camo pants
Hoop earrings
Red tube top
And the way you nervously wiped away sweat
And seemed short of breath
When you first met me
Saw me
And heard my lips speak.

A cushion of blackness falls
Down and forward
Caressing with a quality need, free
Your lips pink with the
Creases and juice
Of little big
Crystal muddy me.

I imagine it musta hurt
When you got that ink penned down into
Your wounds
I kiss them away
Even though I turn through a series
Of colorful flashes
Like I might
Like we're both
Here.

It is warm
In our blow torches
In the hearts we open like
Insects longing for a bittersweet
Cat calling, whistle gleaming
Desire for love and to be
Sincerely cared for.

You tolerate my antics
With a present open eyed face
And I wipe away the sensation
Of an unknown wetness I live and deny.

I haven't been able to write words in a while
I blame it on moving forward through pain.
And a quiet fear
Of where this relic will go or
I stop myself from finishing that sentence.

You draw up on palettes around me
With a vivid pastel blue and pink
Arming me with the perfect kind of knife
You give me words I can cradle
The words I've needed for such a
Long time
Since the time I heard the jingle jangle
Of closing doors, of closing wounds.

I don't feel like I need to write to you
In the way I have men before
You see, I'd pull out
My ammo of prism words
My gun of "see me, see me"
Don't shoot
Don't shoot
Read my words
And I hope this growing woman I've been
Becoming can find refuge
In the word as a shelter
Not just a sacrificial lamb.

I think that you are beautiful
With your chosen collections
Your acute sense of style
And the way you have become who
I believe you want to be
Even through darkness you acknowledge
With the subtle wave of your eyes
And sweet soft hands.
I hope
To be more than just a cinematic character for you
But to be truly someone.
And I can't quite finish that thought right now either
Because I don't know where any roads will lead
My fairy tales tend to trail off.

You are a jet black feeling
I lay down for in the gentlest way
Though I protest for roughness
You meet the green greed of my eyes
With a steadfast
Present and open
Hearted feeling.

And thats just what I need
Thats just what I want.

I burn the midnight oil
I burn the midnight oil
Because its when the world is quiet
And I can turn in hours
Correspond.

I try to drink more water
Kicking up dust, dirt
Gumption
I remember when that was a word
An ex lover
Who later would describe himself in my life
As a beleaguered father
But I never fully understood what that meant
No, just now I kinda do.

My hair grows long again
Lana del Rey came out with a new album
Her work always seems to
Fall right into
The cracks and crevices of
The woodwork.

And I often feel nostalgic for the past
I can't repeat
Like I'm some kind of pretty manic
Southern machine.

I'm wondering how where
Will I conjure up
The next thing?

It all takes so much time.

And I remember riding in the car
In my lime green
Pink sunglasses
Coral lips
So perfectly curated
I wanted to resemble
Outshine even
All the film girl fantasies
Like maybe, just maybe
If I looked like your perfect leading lady
It woulda been me you chose.

It wasn't in the end though
I don't think you could
Ever quite figure it out.

But god knows I ******' tried.

I danced among the sea foam
Wrote poems into the night sky
Just hoping in time you would realize
Through my poems
Through my feet waltzing among egg shells
Through my willingness to coach and share

That it coulda been me
It was me
It was me all this time.

A one sided fantasy is only so good.

I wonder how you are
And imagine you moving on and forward
I wonder if your life is simpler now
Now that I've been banished away
Now that you have banished yourself away.

It was only gonna last so long
It was only gonna last so long
You used to watch my stories
I'd always notice when you did
I just always wanted you to pay attention
I just wanted you to look at me
To care, to feel a real interest
But you were turned away the whole way through
And I still feel the sting of your half hearted caresses
Your half hearted love
Your half hearted.

You said we were like a movie
And its only in that regard
That I look back at it with cinematic eyes
And know that was all
That was it
It was never going to be more
Than me with me.

I still think of you often
Like an old forgotten
Lullaby
That chimes its head
To and away from me
Once upon
A little bit
Every once
All the time.

I remember your curls
And the way I wanted you to love me
The way I fought for your attention
Your faith
Your talent
Your rain.

I wonder sometimes if I was in love with you harder
Because there was a barrier between us
Because I'm addicted to pain.

A new love
Though I can barely even
Call it, or dub it love
(For my own fear)
I went down a quiet tunnel road
Thinking the truth
Of how I was treated in the bedroom
And how they both left, with a clanging
Jingling
Heartfelt though ******
Mess.

I made movies about it
I often still do
My movies have become larger than me
My work has become larger than me
So much so
That the rest hasn't caught up
Not yet.

I haven't yet.

It is all
The epitome of an uphill climb
Sometimes I'm sincerely not sure how to
Stay afloat
Adrift
In the crystal castle
That I have built with so much,
So little.

My eyes and body waiver
In the amount of work
Yet the least amount of
Dollar
Counts.

Everyday I am trying, stepping
Towards a golden glittering ground
But my patience it thins
I hope my therapist and I can
Resend my resilience
But I'm spread so thin.

I wonder when will my time come
When will the struggle be less
Obtuse
In the climb of
The invisible ladder
To get to
To reach your
Ambitions.

Tonight on this night
I feel slightly more
Weightless
Like I can allow myself
To just surrender, feel
Good even.

It is the end of the week
I've gotten to where I'm just
Looking so quick for
The blossoming weekends.

The leaves have started to fall
The air has become crisper
I am soaking up the sun
I am soaking it up.

In this moment
In this time
I allow myself to
I tell myself
I meditate on
Feeling good
Being happy
And surrendering
To wonder
To enjoyment
To peace.

All that there is left to do now
Is to forget and release the pain
To face the truth
And remember I did the best
I could.

I'm not sure what happened with you
I may never.

And that is a fact
As time goes on I will be okay with
And the silence between us grows
I just really wanted to matter
I know I did.

Its all gone
There is nothing here to hold us together
Its all gone.

I'm glad to have finally
Released myself
From the pain you inflicted upon me
Her
I'm just glad its done.

I don't include you anymore
I do my best to work through
The spot you had in my life
For only a moments time
And I admit to myself freely
I was mightily unhappy
Then
Then.

Maybe someday
We'll get along again
My mind has cycled and still does
Through all the moments
Working through the beginning
To the end
Trying to remove itself
From the grief
Of unexpected deceit
And just how hard I tried
To make it work.

But its gone
It is done now
I don't have to suffer anymore
Trying to keep you
Maintain you
Woo you with my love
Compete for all of your
Attention
I can just forget about it now.

"My hands are tied"
He said in the parking lot
In the place we once made up
In the place I once trotted through and cried
Reminiscing on
Just how
Much and little
We ended up
Meaning.

I'm sure I will
See you again
But it won't have to be
It won't be
When I'm feeling like this.

I felt like a bad imitation painting
Of "The Scream"
And you rode off in
The opposite direction of me
Just as I was reaching for you
Just as I was calling you.

No need to be surprised
You don't dictate
How it goes
Though I know you tried
You always wanted
The last word
The last walk away
The last leaving
The last.

Thats just it though isn't it
Thats just the end of us
The final thread hanging us
Among the spider web
Of the place, the feeling
I long to be done with.

All you had to do
Was be honest
Kind
Transparent.

I have to wade through so much *******
So much ******* now
My father and I
Are back to not speaking
I'm almost 29
I want to hike
To forget
I meditated on my traumas
Worked through them
Breathed through the confusion, the fear
Wondered and faced
The feeling of
Still struggling to love myself.

I recognize I've allowed
And let people stay
That betrayed me or treated me
Without respect
And its always so sad to let those people go
Its always so sad

But just go.

You didn't show
Just like you never did
I watched and felt
The clock click past on
Passsssed on
Past on.

Did it without you
Yellow hoops in my ears
My arm is inked and strong
I am inked and strong
The world is full of violence
All we can do is give and be light.

It is a summer night
I remember when Colorado
I got ink on my arm
I biked and explored
I ate too many **** gummies
I drank mineral water
And longed for more
More attention from you.

I tried to make it work
I put all the pieces together
I didn't really meditate
I didn't know anything about my magic
Not yet.

My hair was so short
A platinum fading green
I got the worst sunburn on my neck
I've ever gotten.

I spent a lot of money
And time
I felt freedom
I felt a longing for someone
Who I didn't really know.

There were moments you treated me with love
And at the time
That was enough to make me stay
And stay
And continue to stay
Despite the clear picture
That it was time to go.

I figured out the name of my new company
And it all sorta makes me want to cry
This feeling of discovery
This uphill climb
The way that I have so freely
So without judgment
But the need for love
Given my heart
Accepted theirs.

I am going to join a gym
I have started making smoothies again
I smoke good ****
My friends treat me well, and sometimes gift things to me
And I them.

We took a dagger
And sliced away the remains
I wonder what my tarot will be next.

My cat slumbers
He was a new addition this time last year
We keep each other company.

I know that you chose not to love me
And that is the part of the part I still
Hurt and ache from.

Sometimes I will go into a slight panic
It will be difficult for me to
Step away from the internet
Step away from email
Step away from myself.

Sometimes I become consumed
In what I think others must think of me
I cannot even see myself clearly
I never really have been able to.

Sometimes I think I ink my arms
I've colored my hair a thousand colors
I wear bright bold clothing
Because deep down I'm trying to make up
For how not special I think I am.

It is late night
It is time to step away from me and my thoughts
And believe in the love I have for myself
And myself alone
It is enough
I am enough.

Sometimes when I go to write
I think I have the words
And then they just go.

I know you didn't love me
I know you couldn't
I know you'd love not to care
And I allow myself to feel a growing acceptance
That I was already in a vulnerable place
It was never going to be us
It was never going to be you
It was never going to be you and I.

I had you painted in my head
As someone I never got to know
Secrets and deceit became your name
To keep me, lift me, trick me
And now I have to find some kind of
Forgiveness
Not for you
But for me.

A dragon resides on my arm
A unicorn among jewels, armor will soon
Too.

My hair grows long
My eyes become clearer
I fear life fleeting
I fear it being long and me never grasping it
I remember the times I elevated people into the unknown
And I remember the times I let people down
Into the unknown.

I remember being on the mountains of Arizona
And the Shaman who taught me the phrase
"I love and accept myself __"
I've been reminding myself of that moment
I've been feeling the effects of all the times
I went and spent time
To better get to know myself
To better love and adore
Myself.

I have signed myself up for so much
I want to feel free and on my own
My eyes are closing
I hope and look and inspiration comes forward
Whether I hunt it or no
I love and accept myself even though I feel lost
I love and accept myself even when I feel defeated
I love and accept myself when I'm disappointed
I love and accept myself.

There is a quiet answer
A solitude and reassurance
I look around at my things
At my life.

It is near bedtime
1AM calls near
And late into the night
An old lover pressed his body into mine
For what will likely be the last time.

I've discovered it does me no good
Or gives me any lasting pleasure
To entertain myself with whats right there
What is convenient
Difficult
And right there.

I see myself a bit more clearly than I did before
And I thank the pastel winds and stars
To better see myself
To better see my life.

The dollhouse
That I had found myself alone in
I tore out a wall
Got a new mailbox
Replaced the telephone
The beat up furniture
And made my life new again.

It's the weekend
My body, face, eyes
Are in a tired haze
I can feel that I need much rest
Much sleep
A lot of leisure.

I move things forward, I grow alongside
The roadside poppies
And the roses I painted a darker red
As a little girl
Fantasizing, always.

She wore red
Her phone baring a flame
It reminded me of the portrait
The portrait a dear friend painted
Where I'm holding fire
And I'm embracing it
Enjoying it.

I worry a lot about popularity
I feel concerned about people actually liking me
I feel tired and blissful
I feel afraid of what each moment might bring
I feel fear that I'm not exactly entirely
Where I'd like to be
All the time.

I opened my window today
My cat and I enjoy the warm hot
Summer breeze
I dreamed of nothing but
The past
Last night.

There are so many poems I could write
A deafening silence
Was all I heard from you
Just like before
And before and before
I think it is probably easier for you
To act like you don't know me
Don't see me
It was easier before I held a mirror up to your blue eyes.

It was easier for me too
I think.

But I held a mirror up
I faced one yesterday
My tired face
I'd been waiting
Without even knowing I was.

The air in Chicago feels tight
The insects that hum don't echo all around
The sun goes in and out
In a hazy can't quite tan you way
The concrete jungle
And the coach house I reside in
Aren't quite what I'd treasure
But whats the point in
Doting on the have nots.

We go on into what will in time be
Year 5
Sometimes I feel a streak of such boredom
Some things have changed
And so do I.

New playmate time
I think that would be good
But I can only give so much.

I tally off what my world looks like
I hide in the crevices of the fear of
Exhaustion
And yet feel beat down
By the lack of companionship
Fun even.

I try to rest
I try to find peace in the solitude I've chosen
And in the work focused relationships
I've painstakingly built
Among the brick
I've carefully woven
And set
All around the aisles
Of the Chicago winter, fall, spring,
Summer.

I forgive and release
The other lives I have lived
And realized I cannot reside perfectly
In them all at once
All the time
And there should not have to be any convincing
Any obtuse explaining
Any doubt
That my sincerity is genuine
And if a questionary evil haste
Is met my way
That I can just let it slip away
Even if I feel the urge to fight
Explain
Reach
Repeat
It is gone.

I know I can't and won't
Live here a whole lot longer
But I keep perspective
Time feels long.

I deleted a bunch of old
Stupid Instagram pictures
And wished I could hire someone
To rebrand me
Clean me up
Make me new again.

It is time for sleep now
Sometimes my anxiety gets the best of me
And I'm just inbetween therapists
Starting a new job
Feeding off of little pointed moments of
The fleeting validation
I get from scattered bits and pieces
In this deeply courageous
And at times deeply fulfilling
Also yet discomforting life
I've built around me
And mine.

Summer time
The time to work
The time to rest
The time to start again
And let go of the past.

It's been tough
You said, I said it would be tough

A silence grows like a garden
At times the feeling of wanting to break that silence
Grows deep
Among the roses
Among the carnations
Among the worms that see-saw
Through the brambles
And toil of the dirt
We dug up
Together
Maybe not.

Tomorrow is Monday
We play musical chairs
But its like some terrible farce
My hair grows longer
And I'm looking for noise
I'm looking for prisms and colors
Its almost like each day
I wake up and still can't get away.

Late at night
I wish that you
Any time
I wish that you would just
Reach, reach back out.

Nothing new to add
The garden grows with no water to drink
And I do my best to see you
What we had
Clearly and with the open eyes
I so claimed to have.

It all sorta makes sense now
And I'm sure if she and I compared notes
Which I will never ask to do
We'd find mutual devastation
And an ironic
And farcical
Loss.

But regardless of the pain that still lingers
And croons our name
Though we both think the other is out
Grimacing
I wish you would reach
And maintain that reach
All the while.

So I guess that is sort of it
That's the end of that chapter
Buzzing in with final words
7 days pass with nothing from you.

My best friend says
I look for stories to have a close
I'm a storyteller
I want and seek out
Some sort of resolution.

I make a lot of noise right now
Shining in the shine
I'm always so scared to let myself shine
To let others see me shine.

Sometimes I wish I lived a quieter life
Sometimes I wish I could just change my perspective
On it all.

I feel the desire to start new things
To make new plans
To buy new clothes
My skin is tan
My inked up arm nearly finished
I started a new job today
When will it feel like enough?

I come home and I relish the silence
But in the corners of the coming clock
I become aware of what I don't have
Someone to walk through those doors
Without fail
Someone to see me across the room
With a devoted love
Appreciation
And true affection.

I often say its been an uphill climb
I was always rendering the past into silence
And sometimes me boosting myself up is enough
Until it no longer is.

My life in Philadelphia is no longer
Letting that go has been like
Releasing an old me
An old friend
An old beginning
And end.

I hustle hard
I make a lot of noise in this moment
In my silence
In the darkening corners
Of this hot June night
I blink into remembering where I was
Who I was last year
And how much I've grown
And shown
And shined
In who I am
At this moment
And then this moment
And the next.

I can feel the sun on my face
Take CBD pills
Hit a little THC

I can post and get instant gratification
I can get my limbs lean and tan
Drink coffee
Feel the wind lightly caressing me.

I've never encountered so many men
That intentionally did not let themselves
Fixate on me
And mine.

I reach for you only to be met with silence
And I imagine when you reach towards me
There is a ringing of mermaid scales
And it reminds me of when you were in the cave
With another
And never thought to just lend an ear
And tell me so
While still making me feel seen
Loved even.

There is a thirst that goes unheard, unspoken
Sometimes I think we'll never really get along.

Though our eyes and our hearts yearn
Though I'm a drug to your lungs
And you to my mind.

I've resigned myself to being the girl
The girl that dreamt of being your dream
But you couldn't see
You couldn't see
And so now when you feel vocal
We acknowledge
The emptiness that was left behind.

We haven't seen each other in such a
Long time
I know I asked once if you ever cried
And just like everything with you
I'll never really know.

I mean my good will with only good will
Though I know you will never write to me
Flicking your eyes up in that blonde pale way you do
You remind me of the young romantic tragedies
When I was the princess in the cup
In the Alabama sun
I think maybe you liked me because I reminded you of you.

We paint in whistles that we are so different
I fall asleep sometimes remembering the harm you caused
And the way I loved you even still.

You do have a special spot
And I know I you
I think maybe the synergy between us can still exist in peace
And its wild to believe its almost been two years
Since we first met
And I acted like this is more important than it is
And I hope I'm just wrong about that feeling
I hope you think on me more than you'd like to admit

And I hope that someday we can love and respect each other
The way we always secretly have
Even though it means
We are sea and land away.

In the dark of the night
I brought you home
You were dressed in all black
We drank shots of malort at the end
Perhaps the beginning
I think.

When I start partying
I drink until I reach a place
Where I don't think so much
I don't feel so much
I just breathe in and out of each beat
Each tiny second.

I want to make this poem all about you
But the truth is my heart still
Lingers and wanes.

We were supposed to see each other tonight
My producer said your name so entirely wrong
I wonder if you behave the same way
You did before.

My best friend is far away
She feels eons and planets away
I reach and I reach
I reach for everyone I thought knew me best
And I hope they will reach back.

I think about the future
Men I think, think of me as a feat
A *******
I send up flags, confetti even
Forewarning I will leave
I think of another lover's fear of attachment to me
And it makes the resounding echoes to and out of my skull
That not all men feel nothing for us.

I wanted you to feel the most.

I all want you to feel the most.

I'm always thirsty
Always longing for more
Remembering
How I gave every ounce I could
I don't give like that anymore
I don't reach like that anymore
Even if in the quiet moments
I feel remorse
A longing

Because of you
And the want to be carefree don't wanna believe
Love, wannabe
That surrounds me
I don't play it back
But I'm no fool.

This is the first summer
I haven't had anyone consistent
Fill up my cup
Fill up my hat
I don't stand for it
The way I used to
I don't reach and croon
The way I used to.

At long last,
I mopped, organized even
My little Chicago age 28 apartment
I feel far gone sometimes
In the deep wells of my insecurity
Ink up my arm
Grow my hair long
Start running again.

I know that the life I have built here is admirable
And a slow uphill climb
I reach for opportunities
I talk about myself like I'm more important than I am in moments
I quietly tell my friends how afraid I really am.

I know you'll never write to me
Never in the way that I asked
My mind and my body
Remembers softly, slowly
The night before the end
When I tried to introduce poetry
Into our midst.

I texted you tonight
No response
And it reminds me of the August days
When I was met with a
I'm too busy
Filmmaker syndrome silence
And it reminds me stealthily
Quietly even
That in a partner
Thats not what I want.

But I'm surrounded by sharks
And I'm consistently on the clocks
Of my own making
The clocks of others
I carve time out and it goes by so quickly
Particularly in the summer Chicago days
Where we're all so relieved
The warmth has at long last
Become our friend again.

Its true that I cannot
And will not stay
I know there is work to be had here
But I will go.

On the weekends
On these coming summer weekends
I'll dress up and lean into the wind.

My hair it grows
My arm is inked
I work and I try to have a lot of fun.

The boys are
One noted in some ways
I never thought
I'd come to a place
Where they'd echo all around
"I'm not looking for anything serious."

I've heard that phrase so many times now
I never enjoy it
But I no longer let myself feel defined by it.

I am a powerful, ******, in charge of my own self
Being
And I don't have to allow myself to feel small
From anyone.

I wore holographic stickers on my eyes
I was feeling a little bit weak
In my flowered dress
A good friend gave me a choker to match
Somedays I wear pjs all day
And not a lick of make up.

His moves in the bedroom were so
Touching
We seemed to speak the same language
With kisses and grabs
Rough playfulness
The photo I had drawn of me
Reminds me of the ****** positivity
I advocate and believe
Heartily in.

I'm not worried about
I let it just
Roll off
Sometimes somedays
I see myself more clearly
After working through a lot
The south reaches for me
With its long lean pampas grass
And Spanish Moss
Arms.

I know I could stay here all the while
But its just too cold
Its perfect right now
We feel it in our lips
My grief of the past
Lingers in different forms now
But the darkness of it
I feel I've overcome it
Finishing projects
Starting new ones.

Enjoying.
Resting.
Recovering.
Building.
Living.

Tonight in moments
And a little bit here and there lately
In the time where I've chosen to be with myself
For myself
I feel a large better understanding
Of how I've built myself
And my life
All around me.

I felt a contentment, a clarity
For a moment today
Like a warm sense of belonging
And sometimes a sense of disbelief
That I'm starting to have the life
I've always wanted.

On the weekends
Men press their hands into my skin
And I leave their homes after
In the clothes I was wearing before
And I don't utter much else.

He said
You haven't only made my life
Hard and confusing
The weathers warms us
I sleep very little
And taken on
Probably too much.

My rates have raised
I remember the days
Where there were stair wells
Make up drenched on faces
And I was just reaching
Reaching for catharsis.

I hope for solace
Peace at long last
My heart aching in
And out
And I wonder if she knows yet.

I walk around
Like I'm so strong
I'm so resilient
Even though at times
I feel so overwhelmed
So small.

We exchange an honest I miss you
And I acknowledge there was nothing I could do
There was nothing
There is nothing I can do.

My arms are inked
My hair grows long
I make peace
And carry on.

Sometimes I feel such longing
For the girl I used to be.

I search and long for meaning
I want to just do nothing and fill up
My night with a luxurious rest
Lovers come in pairs
I wonder at the ultimate emptiness by my side
The articles being released lately
About women being solid
On their own.

I wrote in pen on my walls
A sharpie once even
I want to paint and paint it all away
Someday.

The feeling I get of wanting to reach to you
It gets harder everyday
I know we both probably just want to relax
We're finally getting along
I can't go back
I can't go back to wondering
I can't go back to secretly policing
I can't go back to sharing
I can't go back
No, not to you
Not for you
Not even for me.

I miss you
Is all I want to say
But I'll think it and say it to myself
And trust in the quiet
Though it aches
I know my time it is plentiful
But it winds down.

There is a long awaited quiet
That finally commences
When it is nearly almost midnight
And I have spun my hours
Working and putting in time.

I try to find the balance
Drinking champagne, hoping for some kind of
General bliss
CBD pills do lighten the load.

Sometimes I feel a sadness
That I do continue
To attract
And bring in the kind of man
That cannot fathom choosing to be by my side
But would rather hide
From his own emotions.

I've adopted a palette
Of allowing myself to not care too much
I lay my body down
At last surrendering
Relearning to set boundaries
Right at the top
To call my own shots
And to give
As I walk out to sleep alone after.

I wish sometimes
That we could have stood a chance
And sometimes feel a lonesome quiet rage
That you did nothing but
Set us up
For a quick failure.

Do you remember when
Towards the end
You got to a place
Where you were able to tell me how you felt for me
You got to a place
Where you were able to exclaim
All on your own
That you weren't expecting to want
Want any of this?

You weren't expecting to want me
Is what you meant
As I write into the pavement
Into the sand
Into the volcanic ash
"Write to me."

I don't know that you ever will
I look for colored sounds to fill the void
I feel a deep longing for you in moments
I imagine you do too
And I wonder you ponder back
On my many words
Examining them with large blue eyes
Late at night
Its the hardest
Trying to stay away from you.

Its not even that there isn't attention
Options
But they all mean nothing
No, they all mean nothing
And it reminds me of how when we were good
I felt the capacity and desire to give myself away more
More often
To other men
In order to try and soften the blow
Of never really
Having you.

That might be my greatest regret
Just that

I never got to be your girlfriend.

I would have made you so happy
If you had just given me the chance.

So thats that I guess.

I broke out into a sweat
The moment I realized it was you
On the other end of the telephone
On the other end of the teloo
Phone.

I tumbled down into
My own rabbit hole
My hands reached out for the past
It has so often had my back
I saw a flurry of daggers, of knives
There is never a guarantee.

I drink red wine again
Its taken me so long to get to here.

He said
You're on land and I'm on sea
I asked if maybe it was the reverse
I think we both know the answer.

I had to release myself into the night
Not quite ready for the hands of a new man
I proceed with a serious caution
Particularly as you open the door
As I opened the door.

Sometimes I wonder if you ever cried about me.

I had a moment where it occurred to me
I thought something is in the water
My past is reaching and reaching
And it is ultimately because of me.

My mind feels so awake
And I wish I was someone who could
Go to bed early
And carry around less worries
I wish that in order
To live a big busy life
I didn't have to disappoint someone or something
Along the way of the maze.

I said write to me
Like one of us was lost at sea
And I'm here on land
Looking through my telescope
Hoping to spot you
Spot you in your mighty ship
The ship I always hoped would best equip you
Like a lone ranger
I could portray, paint
Vividly
Wildly
And with an acute sense of style
Create a whole scenario
Where you existed entirely on this ship
Sailing towards and away
From me on grounded
Land.

I first stepped carefully into the water
From your boat you urged me on
I became more comfortable with the wetness
Before I knew it my whole body
Immersed in the liquid of the pond
I would first write about
And portray with my words
To you and for you
To try and make you better understand
The first act
Of your quiet, thoughtless
Mistreatment.

It wasn't enough for me yet though
I'd already gotten so wet
So smooth with the water
You had promised was good to drink
And so I, body, limbs
Fully slept under the water of your sweet spells
With humble bare minimums
And a chunk of change in my pocket
Reminding of the sweet emotional
Spendings I was spending
And spending on you
And your halfway
Love.

I said today on the tele
Phone
That I know now it was never me
As we acknowledged our insatiable taste
That I don't know will ever go away
For one another's skin
One another's approval
One another's losses.

Its been sad, really very sad
To give you up sweet Alex
I never liked the way you looked exiting
From my heart
My head
My balanced eyes
And bed.

But so you went
Or really
So I went
In the end.

Be well.
You know.
You just know.

I do my best
To continue letting go here now
My cat gently
Smacks its lips next to me.

I dream of you almost every other night
In my dreams you won't go away
Its like the persistence
I always hoped for
Rears its head
Asking and waiting for more.

A best friend told me recently
That in my dreams you become my dream man
And I had to so quickly realize
That who you were in my dreams
Was merely just that.

It hurts to see photos of you looking okay
Cheering on
Next to her like I never existed
Next to her and all your friends
Like I never stood a chance.

I tried to blend in
I think I even sort of did
Do you remember
When you would dote on me
Even if only for a moments time?

Gemini
You run, you destroy
When it all seems too good
Or so I've heard.

I toyed with another old flame yesterday
Who texted me out of the blue
Just because I could.

My body bleeds
And reminds me of my womanhood
Men like sharks
Come biting at my water
I, committed to work
To some sleep
Swim up and away.

Time for bed again
Melatonin becomes a friend
Sometimes I feel so seen
Sometimes I feel so alone.

A friend asked me today
When I seemed chirpy
If it was about a boy
And it was not
Not at all.

I'm just finally happy
All on my own.

I wonder at times
About your face, your style
I wonder what your voice must sound like.

Can't you see that we both lost?
It wasn't me who took him away
It wasn't me who caused the tumble
But maybe it was.

You don't know how he looked when he spoke of you
Like he didn't care.
He told me I was cuter than you once.

Can't you see he hurt us both
Can't you see we both lost
Can't you see its not me who is your enemy
I wish we could have been friends.

Sometimes I think about you
And I wonder if our paths will ever cross
I looked for you more than I did him for a time
Thinking every ******* the street was you
Every time I heard a semblance of your name
The heat of my body would rise.

You have a history with him
I do not know, nor do I want
Sometimes envy grips me
And reminds me that it is not mine
To enjoy
Though my friends tell me
It is I who did not
Fall short here
With the *******
And the mistaken and heavy
Rhyme.

You didn't have to act like you weren't there
I didn't want to find out about you by accident
I bury you in the sand
Just as heavily as I do his deep blue eyes
And all the times he lied.

Can't you see its not you and him
Can't you see I'm the one who got away
Can't you see no amount of blocking
Pretending
Will wash it away?

I had to pace all around the premise
Haunted by your name
Haunted by his banished absence
Haunted by your ability
To keep him in tow.

Sometimes I feel angry and sad
My Philly friends don't acknowledge
My success or progress
Its like they don't even really care.
Sometimes I'll go look and compare
How they and others
Click like, like, like
Among the photos of others
But to mine they do not.
I'll internalize it
The very same way
I do the letting go
Of reaching and repeating
The never ending silence
That has come
Since I heard the bells chime on my door
As he exited
As I let him exit.

But I know it is not to be mine
Just as you were not
And nor was he.

So I'll take a final look around the balcony
And remember what it was like to wear all black lace
Bring him breakfast in bed
Only to know it would be you he would wake up next to
It would be you that would cause the tumble
It would be you that caused us all to come crashing down
It would be you that to keep his friendship
His work

But its me that left a mark
Of remembrance
Of accountability
Of haunting.