The most beautiful night.
Quiet
Peaceful
No noise
No sound
Just the sound of the stars and the children in their beds
The magic that is born from being an adolescent
The hope
The whimisicality
It is all so gorgeous
Our savior came this night
He is perfect
Pure
Lovely
Marvelous
Bright
Luminescent
Forgiving
Kind
S­o so beautiful
I am thankful
I try to be thankful
I find this hard at times
I adore this evening though
It is the feeling I reach for every day to keep alive in this childlike heart of mine.
This is the most peaceful night of the year.
Not because of santa or presents
It is the magic that the air holds and miracle that was born into the world on this night.
I love it
I crave it
I need it
This sweet empty night sky that is unvacated by the stars and the moon.
The noise that ceases to exist allowing our minds to dream so seamlessly.

What is my place in this life currently.
What am I supposed to be doing.
I feel so strongly that this is a time where I'm supposed to find things, search for things, see new things, be something new.
Things are slowly slipping away to make this possible.
I have such a craving to focus on God, him, and these soulful experiences awaiting me.
Looking at me like a rabbit with a stopwatch begging me to follow them to Wonderland.
I am so suddenly willing to follow.
Willing to drop it all and see everything that has been missing down the hole.
I have passions and commodities of thing I love, yes, but that does not feel like right now.
Right now feels like camping on the beach, driving five hours to see the love of my life, sleeping in the car on a mountain with him by my side, eating those delicious pastries and drinking the most bitter of coffee; so unlike the spark I see in him.
I'm so inevitably, undeniably, irrevocably in love with the most old, gorgeous, kind soul I have ever encountered.
The taste of coffee, something I have known as a friend for so long, has come to remind me of the taste of him on my lips, the smoke dancing around his breath.
Curiously my mind always wanders to his old soul, the one that loves Billy Joel, the voice we listened to on that music box the time he crowned my finger in a wooden promise.
He is as handsome as the sun when it sets and as sweet as the syrup you taste in the morning.
Nothing is more enticing and satisfying than waking up to the natural scent of his sweet demeanor and kissing that ever so charming smile every single chance I can grasp.
My heart is compelled to explode as it cannot understand that this person has finally found their way to me, as if I dreamt up this soul and he came to me in the last membrance of the nights previous endeavor.
When I think of the future, I see only him, being my partner in crime.
Being there with me, holding my hand as we both accomplish our so closely reachable dreams.
I see myself having the honor of marrying my prince in the most whimsical, fairytale, forest you've ever laid your eyes upon.
I see those pink, fluffy flowers, I see that crown of peonies laying atop her head, his face looking at her as if he's seen angel and cannot stand the beauty she has longed to give to him for so long.
The face of a man so in love with his princess and so happy that they finally get to be forever wed in the way that most pleases God.
These two will have the most refreshing and kind love story anyone has ever seen.
One so full of kindness, love, bravery, honor, strength, honest, patience, and passion.
They will be so happy with all that they will be blessed with and be the happiest little fairy family that ever lived within the bungalow they made a home together in.
They will laugh and play and smile and cry together.
They will be so full of love for each other that people could tell noticing only an insignificant exchange between their eyes.
They will fight yes, but only with their hearts flooded with the love they feel for each other and will inevitably end in the most passionate of encounters.
They are the story that has yet to be told in this era.

Get ready for me again friend,
I feel myself falling again.
Not in the way people fall in love,
in the way they slip away from themselves into the labyrinth.
Its such a scary feeling to feel yourself going away, you so desperately want to stay calm but its so easy to panic as you get closer to the feeling of loneliness.
Dear God keep me above the waters please.
Protect my heart.
Above all else give me peace and keep me calm and sound like the night sky feels.

In spring of youth it was my lot
To haunt of the wide world a spot
The which I could not love the less----
So lovely was the loneliness
Of a wild lake, with black rock bound,
And the tall pines that towered around.

But when the Night has thrown her pall
Upon that spot, as upon all,
And the mystic wind went by
Murmuring in melody---
Then---ah then I would awake
To the terror of the lone lake.

Yet that terror was not fright,
But a tremendous delight---
A feeling not jeweled but mine
Could teach or bribe me to define---
Nor love--- although the love were thine.

Death was in that poisonous wave,
And in its gulf a fitting grave
For him who thence could solace bring
To his lone imagining----
Whose solitary soul could make
An Eden of that dim lake.

It was a neutral, fair weathered, mid October Friday night in downtown Raleigh, the sky painted with stars, but barely visible as lights are strewn out everywhere, glittering as they are draped across buildings to create a corner hidden from the rest of the world. There are also lights from the many expensive cars lining the already tight streets; Chrysler, Infinity, Volvo, BMW, but also there’s an array of Hondas and the Chevy I am currently riding in to get there myself.  The lights continue to follow my evening as the holidays are approaching, accompanied by Christmas lights hanging from local breweries. The skyline is made up of buildings mimicking an array of Christmas trees on a Christmas tree farm in December; one my favorite times of year.

The spirit of the air is carefree as people gather to unwind from the week before and have a good time with whomever they are with or alone. The variety of people is similar to that of Candy in a candy store; all there for the same purpose, but different in minor ways. Groups of friends occupying the sidewalks outside of restaurants, breweries, dessert bars, coffee bars, boutiques, and galleries. Hipsters walking proudly and dancing in the streets owning who they are in their hometown or possibly visiting to experience the uniqueness the beautiful city has to offer. Most people dressed their best to welcome the night before them and enjoy the company of their friends, walking around to whatever comes their way.

The atmosphere is quiet, peaceful, and chill but the night is nothing short of alive just like the people I experience. Young couples and individuals line the streets exuberating their young lively spirits into the air as they exhale smoke from their cigarettes. The streets are also lined with a couple individuals that seem a little sketchy, but that’s just because they keep to themselves and walk alone, not effecting the safe atmosphere Raleigh exuberates. Everyone seems to be focused on only who they came with, concentrating on what they will do that evening. My plans included dinner at The Pit, one of the greatest BBQ places I have ever been in my life.

The first place I went to this evening was a Chocolate Shop called Videri Chocolate Factory with the most intriguing vibe I have possibly received upon coming into a store. There are lights strung from the ceiling and a glass case containing expensive, gourmet chocolates made in house. As I continue to walk around the store there is a whimsical feeling I get when I notice the coffee bar and more Christmas lights hanging around and intricate glass cups behind the counter. Continuing down the corridor there is a large glass window displaying where the chocolate is made, making the experience even more real. As I continue to look around the store I notice most of the people are middle aged to older; the people with money. The chocolate in the store is not cheap, but I think most of the people who come to downtown Raleigh are also paying for the experience.

Upon leaving the shop I notice the outside of the store and this is one prime example I think of when I think that people physically impact the place in which they live. The picture shown above of the chocolate shop mimics so much of the personality of Raleigh that I have noticed. The store is made of bricks on the outside that you can tell have been there for a really long time, but displays a modern, exciting font and the final touch of bright white lights adds a perfect finish to the display of the store. The people of Raleigh (or the ones I have noticed the three years out of living here myself) tend to migrate towards vintage, old things and appreciate the beauty of unique sights that make you feel special and unique yourself upon going there.

Another key factor in the imagery of this shop that reminds me of the people of Raleigh is the artsy aesthetic that the door holds with the lights. There are so many art students who consistently go to downtown Raleigh and they are a part of what makes the atmosphere so bright and exciting. While the people who visit downtown Raleigh are looking for those vintage vibes and artsy aesthetics they are also incredibly modern much like the font the door holds. They are caught up on what is currently in style and trend setters themselves, but interpret it in a way that fits them personally. This to me is the only thing that people of downtown Raleigh have in common; they are old fashioned, vintage, modern, and unique all at the same time, perfectly mirroring the city in which they live.

I wonder what guys would do if we acted the way they did half the time.
Had pictures of naked men on our phones.
Watched **** a couple times a week and they never even suspect it.
Disrespect them behind their backs by saying things about other men.
Basically cheated on them in every way possible that doesn't involve touching another woman.
I wonder what they would do.
I wonder if they would handle it better than us.
Or I wonder if they would finally get just disgusting they all are.

It is still a  summers day,
my adventurous bone is still so so heavy.
Not for that city of stars though.
For Gods creation, for his artwork and paintings.
The most incredible artist who ever lived.
We are so blessed to be living in such a marvelous place.
The trees and flowers are the beings that speak the most to me,
they have so many stories to tell.
Names created and gifted so carefully.
My God is so much on my mind,
the incredible extraordinary blessings he has poured out over me convinces me nonetheless how much he loves his creation.
He loves you too friend.

The stories are true sadly.
The love ones.
There are two people in this world who long to be together,
They are miles and miles apart.
But that doesn't stop feelings or love.
If anyone says otherwise they're lying when they say those loves only exist in love stories.
Because love, we have one of those stories.
And I can't wait until we can be in the same place again for even a second.

God you are too good to me.
I woke up this morning with the ability to feel blessed and thankful for all that you are doing.
Every time something goes wrong something good comes out of it and you have such a way of making everything whole again.
That is the message of Jesus, taking a broken person filled with holes and making them whole again.
You bring me so much joy Lord and I wish I could worship you every second of every day with songs of praise.
You are so gracious, beautiful, forgiving, and loving.
How could I or anyone else need someone else to fill this void.
You will never leave me or forsake because you have promised me this.
You have promised me a bright future that will make everything of my past worth it one day.
I have no desire more than to make you proud of me and follow the path you have so lovingly laid out for me.
I desire to hold your hand through every minor part of my life and even more so as I move the mountains in my life.

I was weary and weak.
I came to him and I was renewed, refreshed, and revived in spirit, mind, and heart.
He will be there if you just come.

This is a letter to future me for my God:
I love you lord with all my heart.
I lack the strength I need to remain constant and to fight my urges but once upon a time you came so that I could be free in these struggles.
You loved me when no one else did.
How can I be so dumb to doubt your love.
Your anger lasts only for a moment and your favor lasts a lifetime.
I pray lord that you will give me the faith to stand firm for once in my life and stop this madness.
Take it away please Lord.
Make me pure,  make me clean, and whole again.
Thank you thank you thank you for your grace, mercy, and forgiveness.
I beg of you to not let me fall away again.
Hold my hand through this journey as I look to you with every decision and struggle.
I give you all my God.
Praise be to him forever and always, the creator of all things.

You're a disgusting human being how could I ever love you

It's been a while since I wrote to you.
But things have definitely turned over.
I think people write when they're really happy or really sad but there are more phases than that.
I wrote a lot at a time in my life where I thought I was undeniably in love.
Then I wrote about how that love was my greatest destruction and the aftermath was nothing by drear.
Then I stopped writing altogether because I forgot you.
Now the next phase.
I think I love my best friend but he doesn't know how much.
He's with her right now and all I want is to talk to him.
To talk about everything and nothing.
He's my person and I think I'm very lucky to have found him.
I waited to long too tell him and I'm not upset about it because I couldn't be happier just talking to him.
This is the phase I want to stay in.
The in between phase, where nothing is complicated, just happening.
Where things take their course and I just sit back and wait.
He has caused me to write again and for that I thank him for making me myself again.

B,
If you were ever coming back, now would be a really good time.
-T

After all this time you're still here.
Even though we're thousands of miles away our hearts still want the other and to cease caring has proven to be impossible.
I still love you so much.
It's a beautiful let down of a love story that still has not finished.
Come back to me for good darling, because you're the one I still want when I crawl into bed alone at night.

Do you ever wonder when you’ll be kissed next? When someone will genuinely look at you and think “she’s so beautiful and I want her to know that”. Then they kiss you and you know they meant it because they think you’re a beautiful person. That will be next kiss I hope to receive. Not the drunk sloppy kiss, the meaningful, deep, slow, impression on the crescent between my lips.

I want someone, anyone.

What do you do when you dream so much but begin to realize that you're dreaming of the past and not the future.
Yes, far I have come, but I still miss the past.
But how can you miss something that's past.
It's never coming back and even the most intelligent mind can fail to grasp that.
Letting it go is a figment of the imagination.
All you want is for that thing that got away to come back to you.
I dream of the day when we encounter one another again, but for now I'll go on pretending like you disgust me, because thats the only to not be so pathetic.

I dream of the day when I've moved on and you're gone from this tired memory.
The day when someone has showed me of my past stupidity and the faith I have now is turned into a physical blessing.
When the glory has come through the pain.
They Christians feel the most pain and I don't doubt that for one second.
We are dreamers and we dream of a world where pain is nonexistant and all of our wildest, impossible yearnings are suddenly so close to our reach.
Yet, we patiently pray to our Heavenly Father waiting in faith in this world of pain for the one thing we want most.
Love.
We can so easily grasp it too.
All we have to do is discover the love of God, yet we so desperately and stupidly grasp onto human beings to bring us this gift.
They will always disappoint and leave of dying of thirst.
We need him and only him.
I wish I would actually believe what I so desperately plead with others to grasp.

But here I am still wanting him.

It really ***** when you feel like you have so much love to offer, but no one to give it to.
When you've tried so hard to be happy alone, but so desperately still want someone to share the happy moments with and mostly the depressing ones.
When you need someone you can really pour it all out to.
I want to be someone's everything again.
Someone who won't leave after they've told me I could count on them.

Why do we cling to one thing that we acknoweldge as our greatest destruction

God told me today he works for the good of those who love him.
Lord, I believe you and I choose to have faith for once in my life when it feels difficult to even breathe.
You have promised me a better life and I give you my struggles of heartbreak.
Lord, turn this misery into a testimony and make the sun stand still in my life.
Give me the faith to trust what you say.

You make me forget how much I know I'm worth.
Caught up in the moments that time stops and we still think of one another.
You had me contemplating a road trip to see you,
What a stupid little girl.
Patience patience patience.
Something I seem to lack as I focus on the world around me.
Look up up up.
Close your eyes and open them to the lioness.
You don't need him it he.
You don't.
Keep dreaming sleeping beauty and don't let them wake you.

Congratulations, you finally broke me.

Something everyone needs to learn who is an artist of any sort.
At some point down the road of your destiny, when people start to disagree with your capabilities and tell you you're wrong,
You're doing something so right.
Don't tell your dreams to everyone.
Not everyone appreciates your beautiful mind.

What is a life without chasing a dream you're terrified could blow up in your face at any moment?
I crave failure.
I want to know my destiny and in the midst of horrible pain is where I know to rise up in victory.

I'm trying to be happy but I'm falling into the darkness.
Falling hard and fast.
Don't succumb darling.

When you know in your mind that there is someone so much more desirable for you but your heart is there to send the memories back to the same mind of the chaotic bittersweet love he once gave you.

I think the only way to get over you is to turn you into a novel.

Hello to whoever you are.
My friend whom I write to.
Things have been changing lately.
I have changed.
I asked God to do something and he did.
For that I am blessed.
But I'm stuck on Saturday.
The day in between the bad thing that happened and the day where I'll feel happiness again.
I'm waiting patiently for the one I can tell everything to and give my heart to.
I think he still has it but for now, I'm peacefully assured by this.
I want to wait this time for the one who loves you more than anything.
The one who makes me feel adored and extraordinary.
The one who won't make me lose myself in the process of the journey.
One who will talk with me late at night about my fears and dreams.
Who will pray for me in times of trouble and be there in the trials.
A helping hand to bring me closer to my King.
I long to know someone like myself.
I'm still getting to know her but I know she deserves what she wants.
She has worth and wants the glory from the pain she's known.
She's been hurt but she's going to be strong for him because of it.
Darling I can't wait to meet you.
For it will be the greatest pleasure to know you.

I don't want to be alone anymore.
What I had with you was what I wanted forever.
I wanted forever with you.
I still miss you and it's been so long since I even saw that face in a frame.
I don't know that anyone can ever truly make me happy the way you did.
I wish I could tell you all this but you're so far away already and I don't want to ruin the good that has come about lately.
I'll always love you and I just wish things could be different.
Oh how I would give anything to go back to a moment from a year ago.
A moment when you were mine.