I dare you to celebrate yourself
To declare your worth
Like you have a child growing
Inside your body
Nurture your soul
Like an infant is watching
And listening ready to recycle it all
Practice peace and forgiveness
For yourself alone
Befriend patience time and time again
Notice your heart beat
And your desires and don't neglect them
Take pride and be joyful
Step gracefully into new opportunities
Stay safe like a baby is in your care
Like another part of you is out there
In this world trying to do you proud
Respect yourself for survival
Show no strength without weakness
And no weakness without strength
Allow your thoughts to travel
Recognise your flaws and truth
Accept control as an illusion
Give your mind time to be
Own that you are a woman
Responsible, brave, loving and free

Even when it leaves you
And you've missed the bus
And your battery has gone
And the hot water has run out
And you just dropped your salami
Be grateful for the colour in your eyes
And for the movement in your face
And how you can swallow your own tea
And the way your mind goes its own way
Despite all conflict today I am grateful
For the people that reached out to me

It's not in my heart
Or my mind
It's beyond my lungs
My veins & my flaws
It's beyond it all
The pain is deep inside
As if my body leads
To the entrance of another world
And it hurts because it's never
Been discovered
It's shiny and new
Full of nature and bloom
My pain lives alone
Beyond my ability to explain

A good spiritual connection
Through the silence
When the initial lust is gone
And someone who wants
To walk you home
Just to be sure you will be okay
I like stimulation
Through speculation
Of the world around
And a little taste of adventure
Even in going to the shop
In the rain. I want to feel
Like I'm safe with that person
I might be a little intense
But I've come to the conclusion
I'd be turned on by someone
That wants to see my intensity
And I want to feel they appreciate
What turns me on
Enough to make them try figure it out
And think a little more
Than they usually do

I hold value, worth and greatness
And I am inspired to write once again
An unwise man once said to me;
Do not like someone because they like you
Do not like someone because you like them
Like someone, because of how they make you feel
Do you possess the power to like yourself?
And in turn, make yourself feel how you desire to feel?
What is it you desire? And how can you feel that?
Once that feeling has come and gone you might want to replicate it
Or is it something that changes every time it comes?
An experience changes based on how many times it appears
As Aristotle said we are what we repeatedly do
Therefore, excellence is not an act but a habit
I tried to include that in our conversation last night
As I spoke about how habits can be broken and
When broken and challenged are met with different outcomes
If you sleep with every woman you meet you won’t find
Many female friends
I almost said let’s break that habit
Almost, to ask us to become friends
But I hesitated
At your excellence

Life is vast and full of mystery
The hands, the empty stands
With crowds yet to arrive
The feet, the secret walk ways
The paths all leading to change
The hearts, the half closed hollow trees
The black, the white, the grey
The rain falling on my headband
My silent eyes and screaming pride
All point in one direction, only to find
You are too far gone

Why am I surprised every time
The voicemail sounds the same
People. They are always the same
Walking and talking
Whenever I am not there
I speak to an agency
They answer with careful wording
All calls are recorded for training
Purposes they say
I speak to myself and listen
To my thoughts they go
Around the same way
Like the earth goes round the sun
They repeat the same patterns
I think back and forward and still
And still my perspective remains
You are always your personality
You are always the same
Even when you change
The humour and the fondness
For your favourite things
Your patterns meeting patterns
Memories meeting memories
I admire the consistency
But consistency is not to be fooled
It cannot create certainty
You have to live without that
When you ring a phone

I was sat
Waiting for him
And it hit me
How it will be
When we are
Together

Then I realised
I am here
And he is not
'How do I live
Without him'
I thought

I am alive!
I'm doing it
I'm doing it
it's happening
I realised
I am doing just fine

Tomorrow arrives after today
I heard someone say noon will happen
After the morning and then there will
Come a time called the afternoon
Today will be history and I won’t have time
To re live it. I can’t get back that view of the
Tree tops that I didn’t capture in a photograph
Or those opportunities to sound and act upbeat
And confident like my life is all okay
I missed them all I just sat there like my face was
Part of a life drawing class and the movement
Would destroy everyone’s masterpieces
Today is the last day before tomorrow’s day
I don’t know whether to thank or to hide life
Either way tomorrow arrives after today

I miss smoking
Almost in the same way
I miss Amy sing
And Mac Miller
Light up a room
Where did they go
Deep detachment
Of songs unwritten
Powerful lyrics
Being sober
I'm hearing them
Different
I value life more
Ignorance to pain
Is ignorance to peace
You can't take one
Without the other
Everything is alarming
And loud
But I am surviving
Using my third eye
As my guide
Naive enough to think
It's all coming together

Pack light
Don't add
Take off
In life
It's about
Working out
What needs
To stay
Not arrive

My new man he holds my hand
But I don't think he wants to know
How I'm doing or what I'm thinking
Like he says he does with such optimism
Some days I feel fine like a Beatles song
Others I wish for my face to explain the sorrow
So I don't have to speak at all
You aren't here on this earth to save me
No one is and I know that don't think I expect it
They say what have you been up to?
I get told everyone feels like that though
I think okay but that's not really helping me
It's too intense for me - today is a day
And that feels all too much for me
It's all pointless and takes too much energy
It's all an illusion anyway
I said I don't feel well in my mind
He said what do you mean
I said well I think it wouldn't be that bad
If suddenly I was dead he said I see
It's uncontrollably taking over me
But I know I'm okay and things will
Make sense some day soon but I just
Miss my old love with every ounce of me
Then by surprise someone new said to me
If you do want to go for a drink
Sometime I will happily take you I said
I'm sorry I can't accept but I am flattered
When I go to the gym
I will never not think of him

Don't look at him like he is thunder
Like he has struck you with lightening
And your heart is ablaze in flames
Don't look at him like he is
The sun, the moon and the stars
Pretend you are an actor
Pretend you are the sea
Look at him like he is a buoy
And maybe then you'll both float

They never get enough credit
They don't ask for nothing
You can open your eyes
And feel them
Despite whatever life throws
We always say
THE BEST IS YET TO COME
And you better believe it
The worst is too and today
I think well it broke me in two
And I felt their presence
The ones I have always turned to
They opened their eyes for me
And I want to thank them
For their time and for their
Energy that so greatly completes me
Today I am grateful for the love
That powered me through

Thank you for helping me expand my mind
And not feel as though I'm too much
Or too intense for other people
I know I can be dramatic and strange
And I think so fast my mind changes
Every day but I want to thank you
Above all because you know as I do
That the world is not cruel and the world
Is not kind and that whatever we do it
Doesn’t mean we are being punished
Or rewarded it's just the way it's happening
The world isn’t against or for us
It's just being and existing and it's us that
Puts personality to fatality so I want to
Thank you for seeing it all how I do
And for fusing with me to form a single entity

Accept yourself
And all that you are
I just met a doctor
He came with a cure
It was simply to
'Accept who you are'

Do you think you are strong?
Do you think you are brave?
Do you think you could be loved again?

Walk the distance of your reach
Did you have time to blink
There’s an ache we are born with
It represents those we have lost
And those we never got
Mark your weight on your way
The journey might make you stay
In mind is all I need
Only if you let me see
Will I take your hand trustingly
Give me the power and shape
That forms my world in depth
And I will argue my case
Until the last bird flies
Above our heads and hands

How have we made it here
It's been a whole ******* year
My ex he turns a year older
And I'm not celebrating
There's no anxiety and no fear
This year.
My absence is staying
It's surpassing birthdays,
Christmas, Easter and New Year!
Yep. It's a normal day for me.
I think that calls for a cake.

“What would you do?”
Asked the owl to the top hat
As the clock bellowed down the stairs
And into the suitcase below
To which they had both retired to
“For one can only wonder”
He muttered with a disguised echo
Of encouragement to answer
Such a wonder of a query
Full of many a mystery
Not the first wanting to know his lines
That sum up his reasoning in life
But the owl knew even before he spoke
It is not his place to know, ask or provoke
Withdraw before the thoughts appear

Cant help but think I might die
And all these things I do
I keep
Will be sorted by someone who doesn’t understand them
Or there order
Or meaning
And my life
And how I view it
Will never be remembered or viewed in the way I want it to be viewed
Because no one thinks like me
And sees like me
I want to put the picture of the the candle under the picture of kurt cobain
Even if I don’t put it there
I will know what it is there
Because I wanted it to be there
And no one will ver know that its ther
No one will even take it down
Because they wont be able to
Get in my head
I’ll be dead
I don’t mind dying young
And if youre reading this now
Id ike to mention that I don’t care about my spelling
And I have a good thought that iw ant to share with someone special
Someone who is interested
I haven’t said it out loud yet
But I thought to myself after work on Thursday
As I was walking from the bus stop and I decided to cross the road instead of go over the bridge because my legs hurt
That I was wasting my life
Because I am doing things
And for the first time I felt amazed
That you can waste your life by doing things
And by not doing anything
And that feeling doesn’t go anywhere
No matter what you do
That curiousity that your life is passing you by
Happens no mater what
I make the most of everyday
Occasinsly I sit down and don’t do anything and I drink tea and I write (like now)
But here in japan I do things I feel I would never have done
When I am so tired I want to pass out on the floor I do things
I am so busy I love it
And I am so happy
And yet the thought just wizzed thorugh me like when your drunk and you need to be sick
And it just happens it hits you and all a sudden you’ve been sick and didn’t know how or why or that is was going to happen
That wa slie this tought and I thought shall I write this down
NO ill remember this
I wont forget it and I wanted to say it to people
I have wanted to share
It
But what better person to share it with
Than
.
you

It’s like an addiction see
So I’m counting the days
My world completely changed
I have survived a whole week
My past self would be proud
That I don’t have hate in my heart
My greatest accomplishment to date
Forgiveness

You lack sentiment
So I guess I have to give you up
While I'm ahead
I have no time to waste
If you are expecting
Some fun
Find someone else
To fuel your ego
My peace is worth more
Than your potential
I know what to look out for
After years of being around it
Without realising
I could take you for face value
And you could appreciate my looks
But my mind needs stimulation
Not speculation
Don't use me to work on your
Dating game
I'm 25 and I know how I want to feel
Maybe in a few years you'll be more
Available
Maybe in a few years I'll be more
Easy going
But my greatness lies within my
Instinct
And this time I'm going to worship it
When it tells me to run

Bold and beyond motive or reason
Standing taller than the wall of freedom
We have a spirit killer in our mist
Eager to feed the haggard deceased
With advice on how to survive
The ways of this punishing world
With the slap of an insult here
And then the sound of a gun
No one appreciates the critic
Always on the achievement run
Too far inside their stylish world
To help you improve and vanquish
The critic inside your own

The truth - it always comes out
In the long run and when we're
Old and grey you and I
We won't remember the short
Times the times that didn't
Last long enough to leave a mark
Or a memory with a story worth
Telling
We will remember the times
That seize to leave us and that stay
In our minds and repeatedly
Change but keep alive it's true that
The truth will be right along side them
Leading the way

I don’t feel like I’m choking and every breath is scarce
I breath huge breathes
Not to survive but to appreciate the air
I don’t feel like I’m being squeezed
By that python we imagined entering your room
Strangling is not a fate I anticipate
I just feel like the frog sat on my finger
Wanting to linger
Knowing everyone is alone in this life
Knowing everyone is human
Fearless, desperate for wisdom
Accepting my moves will carry me on my way

I shall write about your lips
And how their colour never fades
About the magic in your eyes
As they are fixed upon mine
How your touch touches mine
And the way your body moves
Almost as beautifully, as your mind

I was walking behind
My man's bike trial
And the saying arrived
If you can think of three
Reasons why you don't
Want to be with them
Don't be with them
And I quickly got to two
I tried to think of a no.3
It was on the tip of my
Angry and disgusted tongue
Only one more reason
And I'd be long gone
I began the preparation
But there was none
I tried to use his bike
Or the way he walked
His pace was a little fast
He was breathing loud
But I couldn't make one
He's mine I tell you
He's staying by my side
That's why I forgave him
I like his walk, his pace
And his breathing sound
I had counted to three
Three reasons to stay
To keep him close to me

Forget the greats
The songs the films
I've got myself a woman
I got my old version
I got my younger version
I got my new self
And my old self too
I got so many of me
I've got a woman
Inside and out
I'll never be without
There's a woman
Standing inside me
I'm so lucky because
No matter what
Who why or when
I got me a woman
I get to always have me

He took me away
Brought me home
Fed my consciousness
Called me by my name
Reminded me of today
That we are all one
That we are all lucky
Smiled my way
Gave my past glory
Pulled me near
Led me to see beyond
Little old fear
Sang to my body
Held my hand
Kissed a loving memory
Made me tea and
Sent me to Nirvana

I will give you my time
And give you parts of my soul
And ask your advice
And seek your approval
And listen to your cries
And wait by your side
Until life turns around
If only you knew what
I’d do for you
Maybe you wouldn’t
Feel so black
And the truth is sometimes
I wish I loved you with a
Love that would make me content
But I don’t, it’s not you
And a part of me thinks
I would sigh in relief if it was
And sigh in despair if it was
But I don’t so I sigh a relief
And a despair and I wait

I think sometimes I just think for the sake of thinking do you think you do that too? Think about it... is it all we do? Think and think about thinking? Do you think I think too much or is it just that you don't think as much? What does thinking do? Is thinking our greatest achievement in life? Our ability to think? What would happen if we stopped thinking? We would die I think or we would start to live. I don't think I should entertain every thought because I think I'd rather aim for a peace that comes from not thinking about thinking. I think I want peace.

Relationships that will always grow
Upwards and around the insights of my mind
Well-known to me, I could keep commentating
For you, for them, for all to see
But forever changing whether or not I know
What I think I do I don’t want to write about him
Or what I feel or thought back then
As tomorrow it might seem irrelevant
And now I am lost for I know not what I thought
As my words are lost in the opinion of others
I want wisdom, I want knowledge and I want writing with purpose
Meaning to change and not accept what I see
I know I know I will know one day
Something stronger than you
Something is out there
Waiting for me to find

Are you down to climb that tree
Or run in the sea with me
At ten past 5
Because we just finished work
Or do you think an art gallery and
Chess might be easier
As it's a winter evening
I hope you don't
Mind but if you say neither
I'll be out of your way

I think I make it all up
The good the average
The uncertainty
Not everything comes
Or belongs in pairs
And it’s true to say
You didn’t have me at hello
But because I make it up
I have decided
You had me from that time
You dared to utter
Those two words
Don’t go

It hits me after alcohol
And major social events
That I have to be a good person
And I feel almost scared that I may not be
So I go over everything and message people I miss
And analyse what happened and try to inspect
Hidden areas of my personality
And prepare for what I will do next
In this life that throws me around
This feeling reminds me of Japan
I call it ‘the come down’
The direct opposite of the word genki
Derived from the high of seeing new
It feels unforgivably overwhelming
I feel wrong or not right or perfect
And I worry what everyone thinks
And says about me and I try and
Cheer myself on to stop being silly
But it’s like a black cloud over me
Or a black puddle under my feet
And I tell myself if I pretend it’s not there
I won’t entertain it and make it worse
But it always lingers until damage is done
It saddens me that last night I spent the night
With my hero and still it feels like a lightning strike
Aimed for me this morning when he left
I know I should be happy I got to stay
And spend such a good time with him
But I don’t feel safe to bare my feelings
And I can’t help but regret it all
Because my instinct says he will drop me
Like an apple falling from the hand
Of a passer-by because they weren’t concentrating
And I’ll be alone again, cruising
So that’s as far as my hopes will go in this mood
If you have any visions of a better future
From another mood that’d be good to hear
So you can send me away from here

Actions speak
Louder than words
I think you'll find
You can be fine
Stop speaking
And act on what
Is to be done
It's about a persons
Actions not their
Same old song

Stood on the inside of the shop window
Frozen and dumbfounded
She watched him walk by
She waited to catch his eye
All she could do was postpone

28
No name
Cat was called Zoe

And now I do the only thing I know how to do
I write it out loud for myself to read again
To make the pain more durable
To make it leave me and evaporate in the air
Making my shoulders lighter and my hands more strong
Making my mind less frantic and my heart more solved
I write with the truth of the night that we will leave Leicester
And go on different paths we will sometimes walk
The same line in different places, poems and parties
We will remember each other
But my heart tells me of an end I know I don’t want to hear
The last time I see you is only the beginning of this end
As it marks the start of the journey I will take, the novel starts then
With your eyes turned around and your footprints drifting away
Into the distance that is when you enter me
With your words left burnt on the inside of my skin
That the people who know us will never see
You have sparked me and interested me
When I didn’t think I could find interest in the day
You have left me wanting to know more and that is why
I have enjoyed you, you have intrigued me
And that is what I will miss and that is sadly why I cry
You have seen my depth and matched it
You have sparked me again and again
You have made me moan and let me hear you do the same
You have made me laugh and most of all you have helped me
You have heard me in my quiet hour in my sleep and slumber
You have read my mind and helped me ponder
You and only you have saved me for the time being
And that is why I cry, I don’t want this to end
I don’t want you to go I don’t want you to find someone else ever
I can’t imagine having *** with anyone else, I don’t even want to

Feelings spread
Down your arms
Across your face
Into your presence
We give it all away
What we do and
Of course what we
Don't do
We tell our tale
We make our mark
Take your time
Silence doesn't have
To be negative
It might just be
That someone feels
It's right for them
So don't expect
Just watch what
People do and be
Then you'll know
A peace within

I couldn’t understand what he meant
But I watched his face intently and
Tried to think of what he could be saying to me
And I said words he might mean but to my dismay inaccurately
So I got more staff to try to translate to me when they could
And I helped him eat and hold his drink up to his lips
After realising his favourite mug had recently smashed
And I understood when he said this MS it’s a ******
And I laughed with him and smiled widely to hide my watery eyes
He paints and he likes to mention his daughter
He was really good at recalling dates but not names
He reminded me of my dad, a retired head teacher
My heart melted when he looked at me and said
Thank you and all I could say was you are welcome
It was an honour

Can you stitch me up
Or take my stitches out
Can you feed me
Or tell me what not to eat
Can you help fix me
Or help me help myself
Can you see my path
Or has it not been written
Can you hold my hand
Or push me forward
Can you make me laugh
Or take away my tears
Can you piece me together
Or bring me peace of mind
Can you be me for a day
Or allow for me to be you
Either or neither
Whatever it will be
Forget the rest
And just come with me

Imagine everyday
As a new place
And a different
Part of your soul
Welcoming you home

You kind of dread it
But when it happens
You just accept it
Growing older
Only gets romanticised
When you're with someone
You kind of pine for it
But when it happens
You miss the past
Growing older
I'm going to make you
And I get on

This ones about the other men
I’m reserved but I still look at them
With intrigue about who they are
And I wonder if I would have enjoyed them
Or if I would have tried to see more
If I was without my gentleman
I used to search for someone
Now I look inwards and find life easier
As I don’t have that emptiness about
Being by myself and holding my own
Attractive people stand around
But none are as spectacular as my man

Things go wrong
And things get said
In and out of the bed
Things aren't easy
I've found even if
It really is true love
The ugly sides fly out
And line up to greet
All the pretty parts
I collapsed at the weight
Of his commitment
And I wondered if he would
Stick around for the cries
The deaths and the hells
I got taken over by the wine
My mind it was no longer mine
I longed for him as I slept
Then I woke up beside him
Stunned when he whispered
You look beautiful

Does it make you feel good?
Does your soul have a secret velvet lining
And your head hold an invisible crown?
Do you feel precious? Irreplaceable?
Do you dream of who you are and aspire for more?
Do you feel like growing? Do you feel proud?
Does it make you question?
Does it make you feel like the world is on your side?
Hand in hand with humanity?
Does it make you feel like a space of complete euphoria
Without a face without a body or a style or a shape
Or a mind or a thought but a soul on fire
Flying free above the fields of gold?
You are a higher being deserving of peace

Haven’t you heard?
Nostalgia ***** with your mind
I found out today
Like a Monday morning
After a heavy weekend
You know it’s coming
You can imagine it true
I know this will join the past soon too
Have you ever stopped a car
To write something down?
Or felt the world rise above your reach?
Why do we only remember certain things
At certain times?
It’s the forgetting
That causes the real problems
Why do some memories
Of dreams get lost?
Who decides which ones
We forget?
The ones we don’t forget
Become our life