Greeneyedbaby

Greeneyedbaby Jun 2019

It’s not like I don’t want to die
Because I do.
Fifty-six pills and my body didn’t react
A knife ready
But the moment it’s almost there—
My final thought—
My mother who I have not seen in a month
Decides to show.
What is it that interrupts me?
It feels like my mind is pulling constantly
My therapist says
I have no explanation except—
God is watching over you.
Why?
I’m not special.
I want to die.
I’m tired of the challenges.
I want to die.
I don’t think I should be here.
I feel like an abomination.
I’m ready to die.
Please take me—

Greeneyedbaby May 2019

Hearts Plucked Apart

It was 12 AM when you came by
You stopped in front of my house
You had the bag in your hand
Then it was my wrists in your hands
And then it felt like they were on my throat.
I didn’t know my feelings.
You confused me even more because
In the midnight light,
I thought I was still in love with you
I thought things could work
It was just us, And the moonlight
But as you left
The bitterness swept around me.
You took my comfort with you
And left the pain of your actions
The way I could see your lips infused with hers
Like they were once with mine
I didn’t know my feelings.
You were hot and cold with me
But I should’ve been that way to you
But I didn’t know my feelings
My heart pains still
When I think about how naive I was.
I believe that the best could be seen in everyone
But you crossed that off my list
You took my heart
and instead of smashing it
You grabbed a needle threader
And pulled one string at a time
Until slowly
I felt myself falling apart
My heart doesn’t beat the same
And for that I have to hate and thank you for
Because now
I have a heart that was made for someone else
And the heart that fell for you
Was picked apart and hung to dry
And to never be used again.

Greeneyedbaby Jan 2019

Compulsion

I’m a compulsive liar.
Not the way you think

I lie to hide the ugly truth I guess.
I lie about not wanting to **** myself
My counselor asks me, and I tell her I haven’t thought of it in almost a month
That’s a lie
I thought about sliding a blade down my wrists to release the anger and sadness that I feel —-
I thought about tying a rope to the dock and allowing it to be short enough where I could almost reach the ground, but I can’t —-
Thought about buying those pills just to eat them all at once and feel my insides eating me out as I fade into blackness—-
I lied.

I lied about being okay
I lied about being smart
I lied about not being jealous
I lied about loving you
I lied about loving her

I lied about being able to feel all these emotions, because I don’t tell anyone that I can turn them off like a switch.

I didn’t lie in this poem though.
It was compulsive to write it.
And that’s what scares me.

Greeneyedbaby Jan 2019

Lonely nights

I spend my nights
Thinking of you

How I hurt
How I could never want more
How I don’t deserve more
You hurt me

I can’t stop loving you
You fix me
I can’t stop breaking myself
My heart needs you
I feel empty inside
This is normal
I’m insane
These feelings will go away
I’ll never stop
I love you
Do I love you?
I need you
Do I need you?
I want you
Do I want you?

I can’t understand
They’re out of control

Help me.

Greeneyedbaby Jan 2019

Sinner

I crave the things I shouldn’t
And I’m tempted everyday with more
I do things that the sinnerman tells me to do
But I know I shouldn’t

Stop.

I tell it to myself but it’s not what I do

Lying
Thieving
Cheating
Suicide
Self-harm
***

Why don’t I stop?

Because the temptation whispers in my ear, taunting me, and leading me to do these things.

Why don’t you stop?

Because I don’t want to.

Greeneyedbaby Jan 2019

Messy

I’m a mess.

There comes a time when I just need to work on myself.
There’s a hurricane raging in my head, constantly telling me to walk right through it, knowing I won’t get out alive.
But then there’s another thought.
The thought comes when I’m most comfy-alone.
This thought is just as dangerous as the rest
I don’t know why I have them-
Well, actually, I do.
It’s me wanting to give into that hurricane.
It’s me telling the hurricane, that it needs to get closer so I won’t have a chance to run away
The constant want to just walk right through and never get out
As a human, my feelings aren’t normal
I shouldn’t want these things to happen to me
I should want a future
But truly
I don’t care.
I don’t want to be a hotshot lawyer
I don’t want to marry so young- I do the person
I don’t want to have kids young
But in our generation
We are pushed.
We are pushed to provide for the families we don’t have yet
We are pushed to do better
We are pushed to make the generations stronger and more advanced.
This, is not living.
This is being a robot.
This is torture.
This is not happiness.
I strive for thought that maybe I could give my kids something I didn’t have
Give my kids the money I didn’t have
My thought are that my happiness doesn’t matter because I will never be happy again

To be continued

Im a mess.

— The End —