Here I am
My skin is saddening
She holds the barrier with life
She holds out against the world

She has taken the battering of time
Frail as a leaflet in a decaying newspaper
She yearns for the soft embrace

For time to heal
Time to forget all left wounds
She was once diminished by strong crimson lines

But now there are three
Three crimson line born anew
Crimson lines to match the soft pale blue

I am selling myself short to me
I degrade
I ruin
I insult myself

You are not good enough at that
You are not strong enough
You are not deserving
You must be prettier
You must be kinder
You must strive for more knowledge

The world is burning, my brain burns, my heart burns

I am selling myself short because I don’t know how to sell myself for what I am worth.

I sell myself short because I don’t know how to determine my worth

I sell myself short because people can calculate for me what I am worth but I can’t understand their math

I sell myself short

I'm feeling super run down and sad. Its been a while, it sometimes comes and goes and other days are better. But its so hard, its mostly at nights where there is nothing to distract my brain. Maybe its even when i am just at home. I feel alone, and i know people are around me to care. I just can't bring myself to feel cared for. I just hate myself for some reason and so strongly that I can't control it and don't know where it is coming from.  Its hard for me to recognize my future and if I have any potential. I have been striving to obtain happiness but I have no idea what happiness is because I haven't felt it for such a long long time. I can't remember when I carelessly laughed. I also might just be feeling bad for my self. Maybe I'm just being dumb and don't need anything. I want to seek a future where I can breathe fresh air and that's all I need to bring me joy. I want to be able to be alone and not feel lonely any more. I want to embrace my own silence and be able to control my brain. K want to know where my insecurities and self hatred stem from. I want to learn how to feel loved and how to give love to other people within my own realm of comfort. I'm lost and confused.

I witnessed life and death
In the same week

Death
Listened to a heart breaking phone call
My loves voice on one end
His voice
Broken shards of glass
As I heard him choke out the words
"My friend was killed in a car crash"

My dear friend (who is reading this)
I don't expect you to understand
That Death is the ultimatum
That Death has the ability to destroy
Many things in our lives
It succeeds with so little effort
It may send the people who are effected off the rails
Or it may push some to their own SUCCESS,
now that destiny is up to the individual.
To take the reigns and guide their life

Life
I witnessed life this week
The bonding of a couple in love
Quite frankly I don't know the couple

My dear friend (who is reading this)
That LOVE is the ultimatum
It will twist individuals into their
Personal growth
Or it can simply destroy one.
It takes compassion and trust
As you are giving yourself to someone
To care
To allow growth
But love is evil at times,
people tend to abuse the power of love

Life and Death
Take balance
But you must experience it all to
LIVE

Depression is a disease like any other
It can be less complex than a flu or it can be as fatal as cancer.
Although there is a broad spectrum to the severity of depression, I lost my mother to this deadly disease
Depression is not a feeling of the person you love not loving you back, it's not listening to heartbreak songs in your room alone and it's hardly anything to romanticize. Depression is corrupting, it takes away the life of a person, slowly or quickly with a snap of your fingers. Although death of a family member is life altering in any circumstance when you loose someone from depression you feel cheated, as it was an unforeseen death and you had no thought of saying good byes or simply being able to tell them that you loved them just one last time.

Winter tangled my long wavy hair
Gold pools from the roots of my head
Down down down to my hips
The blue and purple bruises that flower under my eyes show my age
Slight flickering of candle light in my forest emerald eyes
Pale porcelain skin touched by wind kisses
Lips chapped, cracked liked the earths crust
Tired
Tired
Tired