Losing you,
me not being attracted to you,
and you not being attracted to me,
Love we have now,
and deep down you don't want it to be,
I'm scared of death and suffering,
because I may not have you,
and you are what I need.

when you go,
I want you back the lady I know,
when your tangled in the mix,
need there be risk,
the truth hurts,
but not as much as lying,
is there enjoyment,
without my inside crying.

...Out of the corner of her eye,
a bolt split the endless blue horizon in two,
shattering Neptune's fork and sending the cold king cowering back to the depths,
A new day had Dawned,
and the sun endlessly wrapped her in his,
protective,
  Warm,
   Embrace.

Your wet lips next to dry grass,
your smooth body surrounded,
by mass drunken laughs.

Your hips pinned to a shed wall,
you danced with such passion,
you possessed me like a fool.

That fit beauty I was on,
please ask yourself,
where have those days gone?

Like a fresh plank,
you varnish with coat after coat,
but what you should note,
no matter how many coats,
the knots just won't..

Disappear,
they will just hide and ***** deep,
then later on when the wood is old,
the worms crawl out form the depths,
and rott your world cold...

And muddled,
you long for the Ivy's cuddle,
to keep you up right,
despite is constant side affects,
you need varnish coated with a shovel!

They all ask,
why so protective?
why so boring?
why can't you accept?
the inevitability of spoil!

My unarguable answer is this,
If ever in your naive life,
you love someone as much as I do,
then you will fight like hell,
to stop they're corruption.

Once again here I am,
with my heart so far away,
you don't ever get use to just making it through the day,
It couldn't be worse dying in any other way,
god the price I'd pay,
to make you stay,
you always were so wild,
compared to me,
I hope I can keep you tame.

I find it so strange,
how you just enjoy leaving now,
It's a terrofying change,
you can now just run,
run out on the open range,
leave me to die,
of my depressing selfishness,
I'm such a lingering pain,
Leave me to die of my Loving mange.

Let me tell you something,
something I haven't said to you before,
I've told many others,
but it's about you,
and telling you has worried me for sure.

I can't remember the date,
It was some time last year,
but It was a hard reality check,
which nearly knocked me out,
and it's what brought you so near.

I STOPPED,
don't know where or when,
but I thought of my days with the stoners,
I thought of the protests I made,
and the **** I believed,
and the risks my friends had taken.

I believed that **** had never killed,
and was healthy it majority and medicinal,
but in fact I found later on that it was terrible,
once adapted for the street,
and me not taking it was a miracle.

see what **** really kills is your mind,
you wouldn't be the same girl I knew,
you already have your problems,
see it's killed some of my friends inside,
and I won't let it have you!

The reality check I got,
was of your making,
would I let you be a test dummy of this,
did I really believe what I once said,
on you was the risk really worth taking?

Am I a Man?
Or am I a boy?
Make the ******* choice!
You choose when it soots you.
responsibility!
Or Naive.
You know me as a son.
Not a person.
So you don't know whats right!
I can lawfully move out or have a ****** wife!
You lied and said you wouldn't live through your children's lives!
I will be here when you need me.
but I'm contemplating leaving.
perhaps you would appreciate me more if you couldn't see me.

Your gentle touch,
when you kiss me after an Icy drink,
and tongue round my ears,
when you hug me without holding back,
and snuggle up with me in front of the TV,
when you run your hands through my hair,
and you caress my skin,
leaving me intoxicated as you constrict my body.

The delightful sound,
of your lips parting,
and your soothing whisper in my ear,
the swell of your groans,
and your exited pant,
or your cute squeak,
when you stroke my flesh,
and our soaked chests stick together.

My dazzled sight,
when you gaze into me,
or give me that irrisistable hot look,
your flowing bronze chocolate hair,
the perkiness of your smooth curves,
the face structure of a goddess,
and the most welcoming pure skin,
I won't forget those colourful eyes.

That tempting smell,
of your natural scent,
when you wake up in the morning,
and your perfumes and products,
or your warm home,
and fresh washing powder,
when I bury my nose deep into you,
and soak up the essence of you.

And the rich taste,
of your delicate lips,
and your soft cheeks,
your agile tongue,
or your running sweat,
when I lap up your *******,
or you loosen round my face,
and I suckle as you gush.

I must have told her so many times,
The reasons why I chose her,
Some I can't explain,
For they are buried to deep in my heart,
But one I can tell is this.

I saw her cry,
Not childish tears,
But silent tears of helplessness,
My heart melted into streams,
Which ran to her huge ocean heart.

From that moment on,
I swore on my life to her,
I would see an end to the tears,
There is still more I can give,
My heart is not yet empty.

My heart has been melting ever since,
Maybe one day those deeper reasons,
Will spill out,
And turn the streams to rivers,
Then we'll build our world up from the flow.

'why do you do it,
you perhaps need to stop?!
you'll permanently damage your self!'

I'd reply,
'Nahh!'
What I ment was this...

'That's the idea,
It was once a punishment for a fat child,
who was to weak to look after himself.

Now it's still a punishment,
but this time for a weak man,
not strong enough to care for the one he loves.'

It's sort of circular,
more like an oval,
with the four seasons positioned round it,
summer and winter at the two peeks,
the map has many dimensions,
there is numerical memory in columns and rows,
on another layer to the main map,
and on the map there are memories,
from my past which flash back to me in moments of panic,
there are dark shadows of fate in the future,
there are a few colourful points on the map,
days of hope and to make it to,
but they are normally crowded by deep grey patches,
I can see them,
1 week,
almost 1 month,
nearly 4 months,
not far off 1 year,
just a select few of them,
sometimes the map fades into the shadows,
thats when the end is drawing near,
on the deciding days the dimensions disappear.

My friend once said to me,
I like to have a full set of cards,
it makes me feel in control,
I said back,

that's because if you don't have the full set,
you don't know weather it's possible to play the game,
bellow the surface of the deck,
who knows what trouble you might find?

You will always be wondering weather that missing card,
makes you a winner or a loser,
will the queen of hearts have run away,
leaving you to rot?

We may not all want to know what lies deep in the pack,
but to be content,
we have to know,
to know weather the game is worth playing.

There is a place,
in the corner of your eye,
in the shadow of a corner,
I only know now,
It's a place with no honour.

Where are you safe from the shadows?
the night,
where are you safe from the night?
the shade,
these places make the shadows jump in fright.

So we are the Night Shades,
those vibrant flowers,
we will protect you when there's no light,
we will poison the shadows,
alone we will still fight.

When I was a boy,
I was scared of the dark,
the deep endless black,
I am a Night Shade,
isn't it time the dark was scared back?

So you get rid of me because I ended up emotionally black mailing you,
into believing what I believed,
and now you've got rid of me you've decided to do the same to me,
you want me to keep my mouth shut,
so now you're in control!
how ******* dare you!!

Is that how this is going to work,
you're free now,
you're in control,
I even snapped out of it so you wouldn't be burdend,
dunno how,
but that wasn't good enough you were already bored.

Through out our relationship,
you always had to keep a few secrets just to have your bit of control,
you had to be a bit rebellious,
I gave you ******* control,
I gave you choice over me!
I gave you everything so I could adapt to be who you wanted!

And you know what my view was,
not till I'd found the one,
so I could be pure and proud,
I hate to say it even if it wasn't on purpose,
I'm **** like the rest now and damaged goods,
I've been ****** and left!!

Oh yes and your voice remained a secret,
I wanted you to be able to let go with me,
and just be comfortable,
oh ******* look,
there's a concert now we've split up,
and guess who's performing!!!!???

And you probably want to find some else now I'm so ****,
well I pray they love you like I did or better if even possible,
I do hope they are powerful,
because you deserve it,
and I am forever watchful,
I will ******* break them!!

I hate it when you go away,
brings ****** darkness to my days,
what you get up to is a ****** haze,
and it make my anxious hard race.
   It's that idea of you comin back all wrong,
sad, shagged, corrupted and ugly or crippled like a ****.
sharing life with you makes me less jealous strong.
   Don't like it when you're drunk especially when you're not with me,
I care for your health,
your not the ****** same and I get so worried,
and I think manipualtive ***** will get you into stuff,
and robb you of your secrets that are close to me,
I won't mention any cuntie names.
   I can only hope you don't do something unattractive,
you know my normal bits,
they make me feel physically sick,
because to put it bluntly,
putting up with this ****,
makes me feel like I can't ******* live!

I'm Sorry about how I am,
I close my eyes and still see you,
at the start it was nearly exiting,
but now what do I do,
I maybe safer,
but the agony shines through.

God take me in my sleep,
so this hurt will no longer be,
that breath sweep me away,
I'm down on my knees,
they say I can enjoy my self,
but how is this free!

Old love becomes a curse,
how can a heart that is broken,
truly be fixing,
time is against me so the clock is ticking,
I all ready see the better men she is picking,
I'm angry that your gorgeous face is still sticking.

And then I breathed,
several deep breaths,
as I left the valley,
of the shadow,
of death.

I,
there was no realisation,
that I was forcing my way out,
head first,
through the jaws of pitiless hell.

Because my breaths,
of deep relief,
were probably mistaken,
for the deep breaths,
before the last plunge.

Forgive me,
for I am beyond bitter,
my conscience,
is shrouded by,
the darkest weather.

My goal,
is to look good in the eyes again,
without hurting,
without despise,
thats my endeavour.

But my issue is,
what has good done to me,
but hurt me,
leave me in need,
when I was there what ever that weather!

I can't care for good,
because if I reach out,
good takes my fingers off,
one at a time,
making me sick and boil in pain.

So NO I can't look,
how can I smile,
how can I love,
how can I be selfless again,
so evil I'll remain.

Flashbacks,
to judgment day,
as well as the ones before.

   Some weight is lifted,
But I want you to be mine,
I'm protective even more.

   I lived for the day for a bit,
But now I want our future,
so now my head is torn.

   And so I have to check,
that I'll see you again,
to stop the greater mourn.

   So do I want it back,
what I have thrown away,
I can't cope through another judgment day!

All the time,
we are waiting,
the high light of our day,
just being in contact with each other,
it is time worth making.

We sit and wait,
for that message,
that text,
that call,
the obsession of the love in which we fall.

But what we really want,
is that hug,
that kiss,
that touch,
the things we crave so very much.

I'm sorry,
I am very ill again,
I don't feel I'm going to make it out this time,
with my sanity in tact,
I can feel the molten core,
with a dark surrounding,
the spasms are wild with a ruff pant,
my heart is pounding.

  Even so,
I love you,
I'll look after you,
I'll give you everything I got,
even If It's not what you want,
I'm right behind you,
In every task...

I hate my self to say this,
but I need help,
Is staying naturally beautiful to much to ask?

I've hinted,
so many ******* times!!
just please do it for me,
please I beg you,
I don't want to have to do it myself,
it's not fair on them,
it's not fair on her,
it's not fair on me,
I can already see when,
before then,
I beg you Please!

Well I suppose I came up with so many restricting rules,
   I didn't appreciate the beauty I had enough,
      I made you do things and by mistake gained control,
   I wasn't cheery enough,
my health wasn't good enough,
   and I never understood enough,
      yet you never pushed or shoved me,
   but I've made a promise not to descend to the world below,
or to ascend to the sky above me,
  I don't know if this will change my fate,
      the days...
         I couldn't make her love me.

I am training,
In my head I am preparing,
for the day hell is raining,

to be a hero is my dream,
my head is swimming with unlimited lives,
there is so many futures I have seen,

In my head there are no boundaries,
I am the essence of power,
A tormented monster I will always be,

But sometimes all the worlds make a link,
I tense up and my eyes scatter,
The civillians don't know what to think,

maybe my heroic desire to fly,
will meet a cliff face,
and be my means to die.

She's the kinda Girl I'll do anything for,
I couldn't want and there couldn't be anything more,
I just want her just how she comes,
that warm familiar look is the one of the one.

She's that kinda Woman with gorgeous looks,
her hair naturally blows,
as her curves naturally flow,
and her chocolate auburn hair waves and loops.

She's the kinda Lady you have to know to know,
the cover is deceptive,
and I hope some chapters can be neglected,
theres some horrible things only cursed old pages show.

She's the kinda Queen I want forever more,
she has the power of a storm that could bring me down,
and the knowledge of 100 prophets,
she's the only one I adore.

She's the kinda Goddess that has all that knowledge to act on,
but attempts with no decision,
as if to say the answer is beyond my opinion,
I worry who will make that choice when I'm sometimes gone.

The wild beast,
paces up and down his window,
he is fully capable of jumping the fence,
but why doesn't he?

Is it because he knows his next meal is coming from the keepers?
Is it that he likes the attention from the terrified people looking in?
Is the reason that he is to naive to think of such a thing?
Is it he has no reason to and he doesn't know any better than just pacing?

Or could it be that he understands the terror of the keepers who would lose him?
He just wants peace and he knows there would be no freedom,
the keepers would always be right behind him,
so he has no choice but to pace in his man made cave.

I open my window vent facing the open south,
I gaze to my right to the setting sun,
and to my left to Bawdsey and Poland,
As my lonely days draw to a close.

It's open in the hope that,
I'll catch her call on the wind,
or somehow inhale her breath from the air,
but they never come.

Death is standing behind me with great posture,
as if for me to turn round and shake his hand,
so he can take the heavy breathing away from me,
and stop the heavy beating of my heart.

There's a storm coming,
and we better be ready when it blows,
it will break our hearts,
and drown our souls.

We will have to work hard,
if we are to wait out the storm,
it can make the biggest of things small,
and the smallest of things big.

we will have to be focused,
we will have to stay positive,
it can crush our dreams,
and spill our sorrows.

we can beat the storm,
if we work together,
if we decide right rather than wrong,
and take only the risks that are actually worth taking.

Forgive me,
for I may sin,
perhaps for your benefit,
for there benefit,
for my love's sake,
but what I believe in,
no longer matters,
If I am taken by the dark,
to aid you and the rest,
then so be it,
spare me,
from the jaws of hell,
Amen!

This is one of the worst sequences,
there is some which have happened beyond this,
but that's only because my death is potential,
it hasn't happened... yet.

There is an open road,
we cross it,
I pass a bizarre building,
"what are you doing?"
"where are you going?"
you say.

I can feel your gaze on my back,
I don't turn round,
because your inquisitive look,
would tear my heart even more,
I tell you to go on and give me a min',
In my normal way.

And then you go on with the other one,
I slump down at the wall,
gazing on past Bethesda,
into the green pastures of the after life,
sequencing about the terror that is happening with you.

And like always I'm beaten by my body,
my heart,
my breath,
thats when I end,
you come out when you're done to check I'm ok,
but then I gaze into your lush eyes,
I'm to scared to gaze anywhere else,
just incase I see something that further scares me,
you then just watch me slip away.

I am an old homeless man,
looking at a beautiful mound of gold,
   I'm to slow to run at it,
so the richer people get there first,
and grab random handfuls of it freely,
taking it back to by luxury items,
with not a care for keeping themselves alive,
   by the time I get there,
there is but a smaller mound,
   I would have loved and appreciated that mound,
no matter what the size,
I would have fed and sheltered with it,
and respected it for what it gave me,
as long as it shined with the same beauty at me,
   do you blame me for bending down,
on my small crippled hands and knees,
to grab every last penny?

I would run one thousand miles,
I would run a few,
if thats what it took to save you,
then that is what I'd do.

But the truth that always scares me,
is I can't save you from your fantasies,
I'm not strong enough,
If your depression becomes reality.

My guide said,
Here is where the slaves would be wipped,
To see how strong they were.

How I wished I was one of them,
So I could feel on the outside,
What I felt on the inside.

So I could prove my strength,
So I could show the marks of my inside pain,
People would know.

That I only failed when life left me.

I wish,

   I found a way,
  
      to save the day,

when I can't stay,

   and you are away,

      for this I will always pray,

I strive to be there,

   come what may.

Why?

We can all answer who,
What,
Where,
When,
And how.

Even if we don't want to.

But we can't always say why!

I would **** or die,
To find the answer to why,
If that's what it took.

Just why ?!