Do you remember the last time you felt awake like truly ******* aware and ready because every day I wake up already exhausted and every night I fight demons yet I’m aching with bedsores anyway because I don’t know how to exist in this house without being angry and I worry it’s turning me into my father and maybe it’s the anxiety or the desolation or just the ******* exhaustion because I stay awake sweating all night long and having nightmares that are less scary than reality so what the **** am I even doing right now

It was a ruse from the start.
Ends bled into beginnings and I cruised through the wounds you cut mindlessly.
Don’t act like you didn’t know what you were doing to me.
The ghost of a child at sixteen
barricaded from passing on.

To mom and dad:
I don’t blame you, but where were you when I needed it most?
The only ones who could’ve stopped it
yet I would’ve resented you for it.
I’m sorry that you’ve been forced to raise a wraith.

But that’s what it is to be a mother.
Never letting her child have sleepovers to prevent the inevitable and be resented for it.
How does it hurt to know that the daughter will get herself hurt anyway?
That she thinks she loves the knife carving her apart?
And she won’t realize until twenty why.

But all you see is anger
because worst thing a woman can be is quiet
and that has made me oh so ugly.
But even when I’m loud they still ignore the refusals and take what they want.
My ghost rears its ugly head but it cannot protect me forever.

The worst part is I don’t think you even remember.
I don’t think it’s crossed your half synapsing brain twice.
Don’t you remember locking me in the car in front of my own house?
My parents were in there
and I should’ve been too.
A child.
Don’t you remember you were eighteen and I didn’t even know how to drive yet?
And I’m sure you didn’t even notice the irony of keeping me prisoner with the child lock.

I made so many mistakes,
inconsequential to yours— yet somehow I’m the one paying the eternal price
Most bad history eventually shapes us into better people but I could remove all of you and be much better for it.
She will haunt you forever
and curse you from this life into the next.

Maybe boys do go to Jupiter to get more stupider cause *******
Why is Hera always the villain

Sometimes I don’t know how to act because my fingers still shake thinking about 5 years ago and I used to be blonder, skinnier, happier? No not happier. And I feel like I’ve lost so much time being unhappy. I’ve had this watch for 4 years but it’s had thousands of different me’s. And what if I’m just lying to the people who love me the most about who I really am? When I yell at my parents, when I cry to my pillow, when I forget to brush my teeth? I’ve taken the same pill every day for 3 years. And most boys will only be nice if they think you’re hot and you know how to keep your mouth shut. But sometimes words pour out of my mouth like flames and I fly away like the lonely, ugly beast that I am because who could ever love a woman with an opinion? But the last 2 years have shown me that friends will be gained and lost, cars will be crashed from drunk drivers and money will be spent. Sheets will be ruined and sometimes days will be too. Time keeps ticking. In the last year I’ve loved and I’ve lost and I’ve cried and thrown up and grown up and panicked and lost and fought and I’ve lived.

I would say yes to a ring pop
A half promise
A hope

Us.
I really want you to be my last first
Can you see it?

When you meet the right person you don’t just fall, you plummet
And I’ve fallen way too far to get up now

Have you ever been so happy that you’re terrified of being sad again?
Hold on

and how is it that I have already gotten used to him sleeping in my bed
how it feels empty without him

I almost wish that you wouldn’t come visit because every time you leave I lose you all over again