Never thought you'd do something so low
When it happened I thought, let this not be so
The diamond ring you gave
twelve years before that day
you stole from out of my luggage
before you brought it up the stairs

And when I found out
half a world away
You screamed and swore
and denied it that day
but then some how, some way
You managed to find it--ay?

You sent it to me like a letter bomb
All wrapped in layers and tape much to long
And box inside box like a Russian doll
And that was bad, but that's not all

The last box was one made
for the storage of nails
the kind that build houses
or the kind you put in bombs
And with you, there was really something wrong

Yesterday morning I left the gas tank nozzle in my tank
and drove away
A stranger yelled or I would have pulled out the entire thing
I had to take him to the vet, and I knew it wouldn't be good
Today, eyes swollen from tears
Knowing I rescued him, gave him twelve and a half good years
a life on two different continents
and a gentle ending, the only option
I always wanted him to have a house, not an apartment
A relaxed owner, not a stressed one
But he was loved, my little black rescued cat was loved

So many times I've felt your glance
A strange little dance
Tapped out in hallways
Spun around on outside paths

I listened to your inner desire
You told us what you admire
On your silly birthday
Grown folks shouldn't be this way

I gave you your wish
And you felt moved
And finally came that truth
That I can make you warm, sweet and not aloof

You gave me a hug
An earth shattering little shrug
You pulled me so tightly to your chest
that away went my breath
You left me trembling, confused, surprised
And I know I'm trying so hard, but I'm still not wise

Things are different now
I see your vulnerability somehow
An uncertain little boy smile
Oh, that we could spend awhile
I want more, that's all I know
I dream of it, it's beautiful like fresh snow

I know I shouldn't care for you
I'm not supposed to, but I do

I wanted your love so desperately
as children do, thought there was something wrong with me
A child's mind can't handle the thought
that there's something wrong with the parent, so she thinks "not!"
"It really is all up to me,
I'll change and then I'll see
her turn to me and glow with love
and I will feel as beautiful as a dove."
And then everything with be all right
I will no longer hate myself and cry at night
But your love was unobtainable no matter how hard I tried
it was a moving target, I could never get it right

And then I grew beyond the need for mother love
I looked for a man who could make me feel like that dove
But the only ones I can see are the ones like you
The ones who have better things to do
than take a break and pay attention to me
I really must stop this, I must break free

Hurt
But then you are lighter
quicker
Once the bleeding stops
Patched over, you ache
scars over
Only a memory of pain

You're an animal in the pool, he said
Once I came back from a dip, I turned red
We'd been chatting about coasts East and West
He was a business man, had he a wife? That's a yes.

But it was obvious that he was full aware she was far away
All the way around the world, in Sardenia, *** you say
He dropped little lines about when he was leaving
It was in a couple of days, and I was thinking
This is so obvious, this is so gross
I already feel sad, and I'm trying still to make the most
of my time and I think how could it get worse?
I bet it's not to hard to tell as I write this verse.

Back in the pool I couldn't do my drills right
Even if I stayed there all night
I imagined myself telling a friend
I thought I felt bad and then
I took the bait, the drug, the distraction
And then only the worst did happen

The pool was closing and it was only too clear
This guy really wanted me to stay near
But the voice in my gut said get away
And so, stronger now, on this track I did stay

Nothing can change the stress in my life
But a drug, an affair won't make it all right.

Here we go again
Back to work and can I make the trouble end?
Now I finally get it
Or at least better, it seems
That my emotions, they come from me

It's not so much what the world gives
It's how you handle it
What you tell yourself inside
All the positive attention in the world
Won't override that inner voice
So inside yourself you must work
You don't have a choice

For once I see clearly
Grounded, the anxiety haze
that turns shmucks into great guys has lifted
and I see you with all your flaws
I see you because I am connected to the true me
not the scared little girl who wanted her mother's love
so desperately
and it lasted, and lasted
and last night the haze was there
and all I wanted was you with me
but today, how clearly I could see
how awful, how wrong and bad you are
I pray to stay in that space
of reality

Taken down, step by step
like an animal infected by a poisoned arrow
one day, an ache in my back, no surprise at that
next day, aches all over, and things are feeling overwhelming
Next day, aches in big joints, and hour by hour, I feel like I can't move
and a heach ache has moved in that won't  leave and I'm confused and
things are so diffcult, and I find it hard to get up
I can't dial the numbers for the sub, must take it slowly
and  somehow I made it to the drugstore about 24 hours ago
and bought stuff I could make purple drop out of
and I'm down, in this other world, thinking skewed nightmares
my cosolation.

Is precious, should have a "handle with care" label on it
Guard against defamation that comes from the outside
But most especially support and protect what is true on the inside
Align with your true self, strengthen it, learn to love it and you will always be OK

It was out of sight and too far
Now it's off but it's still there
but it won't co-operate and I'm scared
How could I come this far
have so much wisdom a whole bunch of  intuition
and then at the hint of a little romance
I'm naked in that storm, without a chance
Cold wind blows through my tinted hair
Snow flakes melting on my body, here and there
Obsession

Many years ago
I'd watch TV shows
then there'd come the ads
and I'd be a little mad
and women cooked and cleaned
and used a little Visine
And took care of the kids
And men did their important work
And also had their play
so when I look today
I'd think 30 years, it may
have changed some things
But it's still the same it seems

Fingers trembling
sweat on the keyboard
shoulders ache
the sky is black now
as when I woke up
but my task is complete
that dreaded thing is over
and done and I feel a pleasant
lightness beginning as my whole
apartment once again seems like a home

I come back and see I have facebook friends I don't even know
and now they're loaded in my phone
and there's way too much information at my fingertips
and I may slip up and find something I don't want know
and what were my dreams trying to warm me about
and how can I find peace between my ears?
i didn't have a good childhood so now I imagine one
back in my home town with the parent I never had and
feeling loved and warm throughout the day, and not
looking out the window and wondering what I did wrong to cause my mother
to leave and realizing, knowing now after 500 years of therapy that it was about
her and not me, and my boss is not my mother and after 500 years of therapy
you'd think I'd know that but it's hard sometimes...
what we have to do is come back to what we know to be true
past all the chatter and shoulds and inner cruelties
you may have to obey someone but you don't have to respect him
inside although you play act at meetings and all
A lot of staying sane seems to be, knowing what you know
when you are really in your true self and being able to hang on
to that, you know, that is hard but not as hard
as all the chatter and self recriminations
so it is worth it, my friend, it is very worth it.

A tender thing
A rare flower, delicate petals quivering in the wind
An unmarked valley in a vast wild plain
Clear teal water filled with bright fish with little fins

You come up to me and say "ain't seen you in awhile"
You lookin' mighty fine and I always love your smile
Before I know we talkin' sweet and you're all up in my life
I'm thinking yeah I remember this, and it hurt just like a knife

But now there's just a scar and it don't hurt me no more
And yeah, here you back, knockin' at my door
Oh, it feels so good, your eyes all over me
And yes, I know, you like what you see

So really I should say, I'm way too old for this
I've seen a lot of trouble, I've taken lots of hits
And does that ever stop me, from seeing you again?
It should, I don't know, I'm just trying to see around that bend.

So for once in my life, I take a chance and close that door
You sweet baby, I know, but I don't need you anymore

And his eyes were bluer and his lashes were longer
and its not just men who want to see long lashes on  their objects face
and he just seems so much more beautiful since I found out he used
to volunteer to save animals
but he just stares at me dumbly, as if I can't see him
and he can only see me through a lens of a microscope as he
studies me like a specimen and it just isn't really right yet
I can't read him at all

Panic ensues, desperate OCD
I know I'm truly crazy
What to do with this **** phone?
The call I want won't come through on its own
I need it, can't destroy it
Right now I'd like to boil it
I need to be away from civilization
I'm not made for normal conversation
I tried to turn it off and it resisted
I had to press real hard, but finally it desisted.  
Peace.

It's a curse to have these ideas flitting around inside your head
Begging to be written down and fleshed out and understood
I start going on it, I try, and then I think this is no good
just stop and I fight through that because the ideas still come
and it's so hard because writing is thinking and it's all a part
of me, damaged me who is insecure and battered and confused
and anxious and filled with ideas and creativity so I return
to my script, my painful birthing process that must finally be done
but it's so hard, and my mind muscles tear and want to run away
So I must be strong, I must stay

He can just walk away
say "uh-oh" as you cry
run over your feelings like roadkill
again and again until they're smashed into asphalt
have become one with it
can just walk away and you beg him not to go
that things were supposed to last longer than this
and you are sorry and please
he leaves anyway and you never hear from him again
but you don't know how they feel.  don't know, if they are happy

Maybe it's you who found me
Ferals born beneath a classroom
Wasn't fast enough to trap you
Actually what I meant to do
was get there before your mom made you
but nature works so quickly
and I was busy, so busy
and before I knew, well it's silly
cute little kittens
and then one injured sitting
at my old apartment
Couldn't let you stay in darkness
You all found me
and together we're a kind of family
Cats and people, similar emotionally
It's been proven scientifically

The hurtful one, gone
I am closer to finding that one
who is worthy
who is kind and capable
the books I've read, the five hundred years in therapy
pay off a little as I walk away from one
who can't, maybe doesn't know how
who looked at my pictures and liked only the "comer hither" look in some
and saw nothing else and that is all he can see but I am more than that
and he is gone and I am one little tiny step closer to the one who can love me

I must ask myself, why this keeps happening and I know the answer
its because I'm afraid of you, my partner, who is supposed to work with me
but we only met a few months ago and I'm already sensing you'd rather feed
me to the dogs than change yourself, which is what they, the company asked you to do
So I said yes, and of course I used to think: this is only a problem in love
In love I get kicked around, but I'm OK with everything else but that's not true
it's the same **** thing with you who I will never be in love with because you are
a woman and just like me
and I don't even know if you know about yourself what I know and that is it is obvious
to me that you feel like you are invulnerable
but I have just survived a battle, and garnered a little respect and some advice from
someone who should know and now I do have a little bit of leverage
oh, how I cried to a stone who could no hear me and tallied it up to me being crazy
but if I'm to keep this job, I can't let you steam roll me again, you see,
because my shoulders hurt and I've been up since the crack of dawn on a day off
correcting a zillion papers that I knew would appear if I agreed with you
but at that moment when you were bellowing at me, to back down seemed the
only thing to do.  but now, with no break and feeling like I'm sick just because I've
been sitting here all day with a warm laptop on my legs and no swimming or even
going out to do anything but laundry and it's still not done I know that
I can't I must I must learn to stand up for myself in my terror, the
terror of a small child inside.

Phone rang
Dug around to find it
in my messy backpack

That number

How it used to send a
thrill through me
How it used to prove
my worth
Who was that person?

He called last night
left a message
too tired, I didn't even listen

What is it now?
I wonder
Don't want to go there
again

Yesterday I was your shining star
Today to you I'm nothing
Yesterday you smiled at me ear to ear
I felt so honored, to have you near
I was overcome by that seratonin fix
Today I went around in a deficit

I called another one of you last night
He's the one I used to live for
And honestly, I just can't get my fix from him anymore

Tomorrow maybe you'll look upon me kindly
Or not, whatever suits you nicely
It's clear it doesn't matter much to you
What exactly that I do

He knows, though I do not
he cannot articulate it why
he pushes me away
and I return
like an annoying dog at the dinner table,
my nose driving me

He knows, and I do,
though I cannot admit it
though it seems so compelling
and so healing
that for him to like me
would so seem to heal me, cure me
but it is not what I really want

Because, I do not
have not
never have
liked him
Why don't I know that?

Wish I'd never met you
even though there's things I like
Still what's mostly true is you were trouble at first sight
Or,maybe should I say "bite?"
Because I feel like I've been stung by Cupid's arrow
A mortal wound, keeps opening and bleeding until tomorrow
Until I can get a hold of myself again
Somehow stop, don't go down that bend
For once, choose that other path
for every pleasure there's three times pain, that's the math
I must forget you, I've done this before
With other guys who weren't good for me anymore
If I look at the last one, I could care less
But there was a time, if I was without him, I'd be a hot mess
So I've done it before, even though it's hard to believe
And now is the time: it's you I must leave

You rolled your eyes
waited for us to be duly impressed
Pretended to be beside yourself
I wanted to slap you, but held back for my own health

We all smiled and compliments went around
And fishing for compliments, those you found
And everyone noticed you're looking nice and thin
But with me, you can't win

As you dump your work on me
It's clear you'd rather be somewhere else
Than at your job, giving help
that you're supposed to do
But gotta make it to the gym real fast, don't you?

I should have said, Oh, my God!
You can't let him get away with that fraud
Imagine him, knowing you a month
I'm sure he's played this trick more than once
He's probably with another girl right now
Dump him now, don't be proud

But instead I just sit there burning inside
When you say "I'm so fat" I should say yes you are
Look at your thighs!
You're really letting yourself go
And I didn't want to say anything, but now you know
You should really watch it,
The older you get the more fat won't quit
So worry, girl, and dump that guy
That's what I wanted to say, but instead, I lied.

The guy I'm obsessing about
I saw his picture and without a doubt
I was horrified at the sight
Dear God, it's taken all my might
To rid myself of this recurring dream
my morbid fantasy
and I could scream
When it comes to men I'm truly crazy!

is supposed to be lonely and scary and empty
but at this stage in my life, being alone
is like building myself up from within
I crave this time, like I've run a marathon
without a drink
and it is so satisfying

the panic thought: I can't finish this before the deadline
just notice it, like a cloud, it will pass by
the pain: why won't my X acknowledge my simple thoughts
why does he pretend I don't exist
just notice, that is the way it is, this thought will pass, this feeling
the worry: my work starts up soon, how will I do?
lay off again?  the budget? the election?
just notice, this will pass
your life will pass by
you must live in its moments
in order to appreciate it

Is the priority
because no one is looking out for me
but me and it's hard for me
to look out and see people I wanted to like
and hate them
See corrupt manipulators and just accept it
Like somehow that makes it harder
But if for some reason you find yourself
stranded in a rock forest with little water or
provisions and only the merciless sun beating down
on you as a companion it does no good to say
I am at a lovely beach under a canopy
That doesn't help you find a way back home
You have to look out and acknowledge this harsh
hostility and try to navigate it as best you can
accept that there is harshness and rocks and a burning sun
and you stand a chance to stay alive

Back to work
all these smiling faces
I never saw or heard from
all summer
suddenly we're all one big
whole
I don't even know these people
And I'm surrounded by them

Everything "adult" was new
And I knew what I wanted to do
All undergrads are really the same
We want to get naked with someone, go insane

For those of us on lockdown in our families
This was our first chance, to get some, finally

I remember the discovery of the feel of a fully naked man
His muscles were so hard, he was so hairy I didn't understand
How I hadn't noticed all these things before
What can you know through clothes?  You need more.

And I went through all the dramas
And I can remember all their names I promise
I saw, I experienced the beginnings, middles and ends
And I had my ups and downs, it just depends

And now it's not that I'm bored with it all
It's just I think I know how much it hurts when you fall
Everything seems to matter so much more
I'm not just a kid, living mostly on my parent's money in a dorm.

I advise
A criminal's mind is mine
How it could be done
A secret meeting for two become one

I know just what I'd wear
and how I'd get there
and what I'd do inside of there
to you

And after that  I wouldn't care
Maybe that's the sad part, I'd swear

I think, I would not fear
But you don't make sense
You are
2 plus 2 equals 5
An enigma
The imaginary collar around my neck
tightens as I know you will look
at me in your closed office
vacant grey eyes seeing yourself
or something I don't understand

Why did he?
What did I do?
When did he start to change?
Why is this happening?
It's not the right question
There are things, people, not in our control
We are only ourselves, our fragile human form
When our thoughts are spurting forth, frothing over the mountain top
like a mountain river in spring
and invade every corner of our mind, filling it like a bubbling tide trapped in rocks,
then let the tide pull back into the Bay to reveal
what we know, what lies beneath, like tender sea anenomes,  in our certain hearts

When he's inside, you don't become one
You only like to kiss in the beginning
It's hard for your ******* to get enough attention
Not to mention the most important part
When you are really having fun
Your body is stiff and
you can squeeze him out
When it's over, you can't wash him off
He stays inside
and drips out
at inopportune moments

And in the morning it was one
California clothes just don't cut it
in that shiny frigid Logan sun
and yet daily life goes on in Utah
and maybe that should make me stop and think
I take too good for granted,
I complain: too much work, sore throat, and a dish filled sink
But here, it's 65.
I should take notice of things like this
like this little perk of a California life.
And remember there was a time, about nine years ago
When I yearned to be here, was trapped on the other side of the world, and I just couldn't go

You are my drug
"All beginnings are beautiful"
The French say
So sweet at the start
I discover, you have someone
Should stop me, it doesn't
Took a long time
Then your words became cruel
My drug can't be mean
I drop down from the high
Into the place I don't want to be
Just me, no fantasy

I wanted you to respect me and think she is good at her job
and you didn't, but of course
that didn't stop me from wanting you to look kindly upon me
and seem to look forward to seeing me
but you didn't and more and more
seeing me seemed to be a trial for you and now
my mere presence causes you to practically foam at the mouth and
say I'm projecting, which is not what I'm doing
I'm just sad.  That's all. Just sad that we never connected and it was never natural and it was
what it was just not nice or anything and you never got me or liked me or understood me
no matter how much I showered you with attention and compliments and tried to say nice things and was really going crazy with the process and now it's over

So I guess I can stop trying to make someone who doesn't like me, like me and
keep trying to get myself to like me...which in the end, is all I have.

And I welcome it
How strange
A completely whacked out bad day
And I can't fight anymore
I am rolling in a truck
out of control
down a mountain
Might as well try to just go along for the ride

Just little tiny pieces
inside my battered psyche
I'm not writing about wars
or climate "change" even though
I remember when we called it Global Warming
I guess that was too much reality
And it's now an eventuality
today I've backed from the abyss
It's personal, I admit
Nothing that will effect life in the Middle East
or even the next street
But for me the change is huge, that I can pick myself
up from the blues so much faster than before
And if I can do it, so can anyone, that's the score

Healing droplets from the sky
ping my bamboo plant, then off they fly
I sit inside cozy and warm
Nightmares in my mind are my thorn
Move toward the monsters I am told
Only then will they crumple, weak and old
Why am I cursed with a mind like this?
that only wants the good things for me to miss
It's still a child's mind trying to cope
without love, without hope

I am not here, but somewhere else
feel like I cannot face another day like the last one
that it's a catch 22 if I believe him, then I can't move, can't work
But believing in me is so new, and the muscles are not strong
And I fall down into his opinion of me, which kills me
incapacitates me because it's not true
but I believed my mother as a child
had no choice and now it's habit
so I must keep pushing those tiny tired muscles so I can keep going on

Wind whips past my ears
Rain drops in my eyes
Thunder in the distance and
a wave crashes close to the cliff
a thundering sound that frightens
love is a storm

Waves on the bay, too many
So much power
Overwhelming
I am not grounded enough yet
to withstand this and I
turn away, run away

Hadn't seen you all day
I guess that's normal for May
We used to be connected
But now I've been rejected
And I wonder if you feel it too
This kind of funk, this kind of blue

Oh, I need a man, that will solve it
is what my brain tells me
No, really I need 500 new friends for my life
to really be
but the only thing happening is I'm getting kind of
nervous
and my brain has these few packaged things
that repeat over and over like customer service

They used to be just days and weeks
I skipped through them
Hopped, jumped, dove

Now, time stands still
The day goes by
Slowly, moment stretched to moment
with time in between

With your glance, your words
I slid through my days
breathed through my hours
Now at a standstill
Cannot go on

How I wish I could believe that this time the ******
of innocents will result in real, substantive change
to prevent this from ever happening again