Mother
You taught me
love is a woman across the room
reading, you yearn for her attention
she doesn't want you
be careful, she'll obliterate you with her words
gaze at her and feel the emptiness grow inside

Father
you taught me
love is, a man angry from work
don't bother him, he is stressed and hungry
he is busy with great works
he is to be seen, not spoken to

He
I see you, want your attention
Sometimes you give it, what a rush
Mostly you have your great work
You have other more important things
on your mind
I can never compete
I yearn for you
I am afraid of your rage
the pattern is complete

How I wish I could believe that this time the ******
of innocents will result in real, substantive change
to prevent this from ever happening again

When malicious daggers fly through the air and attack
And the poison, through your skull reaches your brain
The most important thing
is to hold on
to what you know, what you think
Even if your voice is never listened to
Even if you have no power
You know that this is wrong, you are right
and must hold onto that no matter what they may say or do
to you, how they may slander and attack
Not to let your thinking be infected by their poison is
the most important thing

You know you shouldn't do it
You know it won't solve any of your problems
You try to talk yourself out of it
You can predict all the bad stuff that will befall
You feel safe for a few moments
Then you do it.

You have high blood pressure
She says it was easier without you
And she works with you
And you are called into the office to be fired
When you volunteer for work no one
Wants and are ignored
Be comfortable
In the skin that defines your outline
Be present as she says she thinks you are no good
Be here and reach for the pain
And explore it .  To touch it
And just be

And it will be ok.

Mind spinning, thoughts talking to me
like daggers
now I sit in a nook
at my favorite cafe
a quiet mind at last
I got here, found the self
I lost but was there all along
How I want to hold on

because men do that
have a long history of it
my parents lost their fathers because of it
and i lost my husband and dates, too
so what do you do?
its not something you can control
so chasing them won't help at all
soothe the abandoned inner child
because you are no longer her
and you don't need them, so let them go

Who has power of me
is an illusion
my father bought me a box when I was maybe eight,
that made a hologram
you could reach inside and try to pick up a rainbow
your fingers smashed together, unsatisfied
He is that rainbow, his power is so limited over me
It's me who gives him more
All the he's and even she's I gave myself over to
skin turned inside out, a ****** offering
and I don't have to do that
I can keep my skin on, and be safe, in the space around me.

I wanted you to like me, respect me, maybe knight me
But you don't even see me, need me, want me
and quickly you found another
and now I've just uncovered
a gloomy kind of thing
but I will shout and ring
cuz you weren't a guy who'd ever please me
weren't a guy who'd even see me
and now it's over now I see you
and it's clear I'm something you'd never do

I see nothing but blackness
Hear only voices
of authority I don't trust
Knowing I'm among people I fear
These days, there is no safety
Try to get inside their reality
The owners, the deciders
Can't
I don't know  IDK
What will happen?

I gaze at you from far away
How you used to brighten my day
I looked forward to meeting
feeling my heart beating
the warmth of your smile
kept me going for awhile
wondering what the next day would hold
it never, ever got old
now you are still within reach
but I might as well be at the beach
I cannot approach or touch
no one notices, it's not much
but to me it was everything
and now it's gone, like my old wedding ring

So why do I follow
check my phone a thousand times a day
and wallow
in the pain of rejection
that's really for my own protection
don't like him much
we haven't even touched
If I pursue
it's what I do
Habit and addiction
Looking for that love connection
for that hurt little girl
who wanted to hurl
herself into the sea
because her mother abandoned me

Let me reframe this for you and show you the positive side
After I sit and listen to accusations he believes are so true
and he has the power and he can take this job from me as he likes
and my saying what I think will likely have no impact
But it is the most important thing in the world
It's more important than having the job or not
To live and be here, in yourself and what you know to be true
in spite of attacks from authority, to live in that moment
and know: this is not true, I don't agree with you
Is everything

Gone on for weeks now
sapping my strength
giving me pain
nothing but work in sight
and I have little might
left but it's all sapped
and I can't get back
to the health
of me

She says, over and over again
Get here, with me
the frustration--how can I just change my mental state
especially when I'm so upset.
All there is, is this moment.
I breathe, count the breaths
Suffocate myself a little with carbon monoxide just like in Adam 12
My hands are the paper bag
And gradually, I can do it, in the protection of her office
I build the muscles of my mind

one little flower
in a sea of flowers and sitting
in a meadow looking at how the white faded
to pale yellow and brown and it was small
and prickly and they looked better when seen as a mass
hungry, and prepared with lunch
I walked off the trail to find
another meadow spot with a better view
and my foot plunged into an abyss and the ground met
my head suddenly...but it was OK

As I try to balance through
this avenue of grief
your absence is relief
I still remember your voice
Your blows as I squirmed in pain
over a loss like this
I can imagine you
in your New York life
with your new wife
Making fun of me for caring
for feeling
and I am only too glad
I can't hear you

I quake, can't explain
the pain
her cruel words caused me

Now will I lose my job?
Be taken down by the mob?

It sounds too silly to repeat
but my heart skipped a beat
and it's still hard, not to be afraid.

And that's why I gave him my number
and never asked for his
because not that I like him so much
I have deep doubts about that
Not that I think he's so cute
Luke warm here
It's just, for him to call
would prove something to me
about me, and yes I know, it's this kind of thing
you must never need from the outside
In my head I know this
But in my heart? This is why dating is a horrific drag over
brass tacks for
I don't like them, but I want them to want me
to need me, and I don't even want them
And this is how it goes
And he may never call this whole vacation
And what an insult that would be, although
I may have a better time, yes, I may have a better time

Like a dropped call
The line went dead
A bridge washed away
I stand on the broken piece
See you on the other side
No connection

I feel quite content
This single life doesn't seem like cement
locking me in
what bothers me comes from the outside
It's economic and I'd surmise
If that were to end
I don't know if I'd love again
I see men passing
The flirt, the passion
you can catch it online
Will there ever be a time? To love again...

that quiet time in my mind
when the fierce voices are silent
and my fear, slides back like a thin
tide receding into the bay

I'm starting to imagine him
Who will he be?
The one I let in close

The thought scares me
Close, to love and know
and close to hurt and destroy

This time close will only be to love
Or, he'll stay far, and then away

He's a shadow now
But when he's near, I'll relax
I won't want to work on him, he'll be fine
He won't want to change me
He will respect me

It's hard to even imagine this.
The other he hurt so much
Sometimes I think, that was the plan
His plan
to hurt me so much I will never again
let in another he

I can't let him win

I can see through that like a transparency
running, running from the truth of who you are
made by what you do
it must hurt to do someone ***** like you
do
and I always think, they feel nothing, these flyers in the night
bully me, suspect me and think they're clear, see
through them all I do,
the one whose suspects you always plots against us always
and he's only thinking you're playing his game, because its all he knows
and you, who don't have three minutes to look at my video but have hours
to do dumb things a lifetime really, it's not the three minutes, it's to look
at me, and to see, you done me wrong
so run, men, run, but like the cat running across the yard
away from the duct tape stuck to her fur
you are running from something inside yourself
and this I know, this I know

Nothing new here to this community
we are one in our creative unity
You know when you get that creative spark
Like as asteroid in the dark
And its so exciting
You can't wait to start writing
But before your fingers touch the keys
you find yourself ill at ease
Take solace, my friends, you must just push through
You'll find your path and it will be new
That wall of water may be there
But it won't be so bad if you don't care
if that great idea is really so good
because another will come, it's just the way in this 'hood.

The more you do
The less trouble will follow you
And if you should get off track
Return to the breath
It will bring you back

Time and time again
You will repeat this and then
It will get easier and one day
"I do this without thinking," is what you will say

I said, to myself.
More than your mother does, or your father
Enough to make you safe
to leave energy for empathy and understanding
Enough to value life,
even through its rough and winding roads
leave cuts and wounds that bleed,
"because you are all I have," I said
My whole life
has been a struggle to not drain out
to stay here and remember I exist

It's condescention.  120 proof
And I am woozy, the room is spinning
and I feel sick like I have to get out of here
get out of this place
and you were supposed to help me, protect me
and can't you see I am going through
what you did?  can't you see?

So full of pain
Why am I in this game?
Moods swing me this way and that
Feel like I'm being thrown to the mat
Over and over again
I get up and then
I ask when
the next hit will strike
and haunt me all night

come heal me
take me up in your arms and you'll see
how perfect I am to you
and we'll bask in each other's warm glow
no one else to know
or show
our love completes us
never leaves us
and you aren't real
with reality, I must deal

But not much
except that we are really self contained
so a drug will make our day or not
or a feeling we have is our entire universe and
that is just the nature of what and who we are
and we are not objective by any means but only by
sheer effort can we really see ourselves for who
we are, an image projected on a screen
and it is only us, inside our own skin

Today can't depend on you
on what you decide to do or not do
I have to learn to get that warmth from the inside
Or else I'll live forever in fright
And be happy or suffer and write about it at night

Today can't depend on the outside
There has to be something about me
that is solid, can't be denied
So no matter what blow the world may deal me today
I know that I am a good person, that I'm OK

How I admire you
true
can't be you, am not you
am never enough for you

went down a different road
took my consequences
no complaints
only always wishing
I could be, me, and be OK in your eyes.

You can ask why
But there is no answer
Why do some people
get run over by trucks
while others cross streets safely?
Why do some kids get cancer
and some have everything they desire?
There is only so much we can control
only some much to hold, the rest is a game of cards
and all you can do is fight hard at your demons

He does you ***** once
you don't feel much
you're not involved
a little voice inside says,
stop
but I don't head it
but it happens again
like he's a horse testing you
how much can he get away with
until you burn
every time is bigger
each time you are more of a mess
So get off the first time
and rest

Knows what I know
Should be the center
of my thoughts
My feelings

How easily I am pushed away
What do you know in your heart? Trust that.
And I say, why are you giving me so much credit?
How can I trust this--my own, only my own

What pains me is not the situation
The job, the lack of it, the having or having not
of whatever
But when I'm hit with aggression and
how it changes what I think of myself
That sickening feeling when I think I've been found out

To come back to the heart.
To believe what I know
is life itself

what you think of me
but I imagine it
isn't much or often

just like I don't know
what my mother thought
of me in my desperate
childhood
but I'm sure it wasn't much
or often

and that's why
I care so much
about what
I don't know

There have been many of you
Won't give me the attention I crave
Never have, never will
That's why I picked you
A moving target
a mirage
You keep me hungry
Today will be no different
Or tomorrow or next year
My child's mind tells me to pursue
Of this, I must let go
turn away, on to something new

He doesn't owe me anything other than himself
as he is, as is, and if I don't like what I see
that's me
to deal with.
So what if it will be Valentine's day and I have no Valentine
I never try to get one--why would one just fall from the sky?
I guess I believe in magic, and misery
want someone to commiserate with and soothe me
but  a bad match won't do,
It's worth about as much to me as an old shoe, nothing new

I called so he could hear it,
I know he likes it
my home town, and me, and he
talking
how weird
what is going on?  
how am I to know?
he couldn't hear the ocean through the phone
and what will happen, I don't know

And extreme desire
and he was calling my name
and it was so good
And I opened my eyes
and withstood
the fact that again I'm alone
and it's good
it's just fine
this private pleasure shrine

When faced with forces
more powerful than you
Even when there is little hope
It's good to know, someone has your
back.  You may go down
but not alone. Not in silence
Not as a number, or a name
no one knows or cares of
but someone bears witness
Unions, never a help to me
have finally helped today with
my withered and strangled nerves
someone will be there with me
trying to see everything
is fair, a small miracle in
a pool of sharks, someone
has put a cage around me

How long this day seemed
Every minute was an hour
Every hour was at least three
the big question: how bad
And the even bigger how bad
would I be?
But after one day that seemed like three it
wasn't good, but not so bad
So there is still a struggle, a slight hope
And I feel like I am floating: it's over

Trying to get back in the swing
my ears ring
Must do this work to prepare
pain in the air
my throat, my ears
harder to fight the fears
will I ever be myself again?
free to create my minutes
my story
to see it to the end?