Sometimes too many bad things hit at once
My eyes stay open, but see nothing
The world goes by in muted colors and noises
Not quite sure I am where I am
Staying steady becomes the priority
No time to let go into grief or even anger
that would let my guard down
put my focus inside
right now, I can only think about
what is happening outside
make vague calculations about
how much it will hurt
later

When we met, you were an eye in the storm
Stressed, hired at the last minute and expected to perform
without training or experience in front of the big male bosses
You gave me comfort and little endearments
a well dressed if not too handsome man
in tight fighting  pressed pants and shirts

And I took notice as your gaze lingered
and your ringless finger waved at me
causing me to wonder

But now I know you're not all that
You are ringless so you can flirt and I've seen you in action
a couple of times after you tired of me because you
always seem to tire of us and go "home"
and now you no longer seek me out or take much notice
except in passing or on accident and I thought it was me
but it's not, it's never me with a guy like you

You went to the next and the next
And there are now layers of them padding your world
and I am on the outside

One layer new in your office to make the year bright
such a pretty young face infuses your world with life
and you seem more energetic and have let what's left of your
hair grow out around the lower half of your skull
in a thin layer of fuzz to remind everyone that you are
still a man with a body that produces enough brown colored
hair to still be visible and not a plucked chicken with nothing

Forget him, I am told and have tried so hard to do
but I don't like being discarded like my mother tossed me aside
it brings it all up again, all the pain and desperation and self hatred
Sitting in the silence where you want a presence
Being unnoticed when you want attention

But I did better without her, felt better without her
and if I could survive that, I will be OK now

I saw you today but I must not dwell and not
get drawn in again by your enthusiasm for me
that lasts only as long as I become interested and then
disappears

You are a mirage, a man I see and can only wonder about
and now you sense my distance--how hard I've worked
for this distance--how much therapy meditation hypnosis
and now there you sit coyly beckoning that if I
answer it will disappear like a mirage

It is not real
You are not an oasis in the desert
You are a fantasy rising from the wavy heat of
my worry and anxiety and sadness
which blurs my vision and makes me vulnerable to
your sweet little smile and sidelong glances
and the feeling that you'd like for me to
flirt again and feel excited to see you every day
only to be avoided as I reach out
I can't go back
I must not go back

Behind the building,
a one hundred percent green certified building
an amazing feat of engineering-science-forward thinking
fabulously energy efficient cutting edge building
sit solar panels in the sweltering heat,
extra heat from the toxic clouds in the sky
which now envelop the Earth

There, under the panels sit a small band of sheep, who represent the
last little bit of progressive wonderfulness
visionary design and research based and proven
and the future because they eat the grass
and there is no need to use toxic fume producing
loud unnatural unsustainable lawn mower

But the grass is long dead.
It is just white and yellow and there are lambs
baby sheep who sit and pant underneath the
sustainable solar panels without a decent meal
in sight. Only stalks and yellow deadness

I suggest vitamins or supplements
after all there is no grass, only grass out
that is watered sustainably and is carefully fenced off
from the living sheep underneath the dead panels
behind the dead building.

Outrage from the forward thinking cutting edge
Wi-Fi custodians of the cement and metal building and panels,
panels that emit a high pitched hum
from a hot metal box and regulate the CO2 in each room automatically
The sheep are there to eat the grass
if you feed them, even to make them healthier
so that they may get up out of their hot suffering
and eat some stalks in addition to a little bit of supplemental feed
they will not eat the dead grass, and they are there to eat the grass
they are not there to be comfortable or healthy they are just sheep
But sheep are only living non human feeling beings
and not part of the forward thinking cutting edge metal and cement
technology that is worth a lot of money and was written up
in the paper and got the custodians attention and recognition.
And they are just suffering, hot, miserable animals
and despite all of our technology, Mars landing
solar panels to electricity advance thinking technological wonders
our compassion and empathy remain tight and selfish
and the dead things, not the living ones, are what we value

Didn't see you, not one time
and everything was fine
I honestly couldn't believe it
to see you, I thought I need it
but there was more space in my head
and I was surprised where it lead
I walked around at lunch
admired, a crystal clear unused pool
and wanted to jump in that moment, like a fool
and walked around the football field
the vast expanse, the pride, the high yield
of attendance and it's fully equipped
Tickets, food and bathrooms, nothing missed
And lights, really can't forget those
You can see them from very far I'm told
And then past the soccer field
truly ghettoized, not well healed
a few trees for shade, maybe some water
a shake and back port-a-***** the amenity that matters
This is our culture, this is where we stand
To play football is to be a man
Then past the solar panels
and the hot sheered sheep
standing underneath
the grass they are to eat is dry
So someone has added stale roles to their diet
and I saw a little lamb
and that was the best part, of this I am a fan
And when I came back everything was OK
and I hope one day
I won't think of you at all
and at last I will stand tall

I don't want that part
So don't even start
I have to walk away
every dog has its day
and I've had mine
sure it's been some time
but reality can't be denied
and from your actions I can't hide
So I am retiring from this drama
it's bring me too much trauma
so good luck with the new one
and I'll just be gone

Many years ago
I'd watch TV shows
then there'd come the ads
and I'd be a little mad
and women cooked and cleaned
and used a little Visine
And took care of the kids
And men did their important work
And also had their play
so when I look today
I'd think 30 years, it may
have changed some things
But it's still the same it seems

Saw you today
first time in months
you hurried by
got something to hide
like when I walked in on you
sticking your knee to another woman's
like glue
ringless married man
you didn't have a clue
I stood there
the energy between the two
of you could be felt
And suddenly you were aware
so you stood up like a mole
looking out of its hole
it's what I need
not what I want
like when I heard other women
on a guy's answering machine
Right near your office
she's been installed
you're no longer bald
short brown hairs now cover
half your head
like a newly sprouted lawn
trying to impress?
I think you've already caught,
your catch has been bought
I can't compete
I sensed this last year
from her in e-mails to you
"oh you're so funny"
"oh, that was so great"
must of been an exciting meeting
for you to get such a wet greeting
Wish I didn't care
Just forget him
they say
I guess today
is supposed to be the day

Back to work
all these smiling faces
I never saw or heard from
all summer
suddenly we're all one big
whole
I don't even know these people
And I'm surrounded by them

When tears seep out
it doesn't smear
the cosmetics I use
to cover and accentuate
as is expected of me
a little urn
tasteful walnut box
paw print on pottery
I admit, I shook it
to see if anything rattled about
but thankfully there was silence
Sometimes we lose
what we most want to keep
Every living thing
is precious
irreplaceable
I want to get a little black kitten
with some white on his chest
but it won't be my little black kitty
it won't be the one I found
on a road
next to the beach in Haifa
covered in tar and fleas
skin and bones and ear mites
and who became
a member of my family
my Shakour

My old vacuum lasted over five years
Can't tell you how many times
I unscrewed it and cleared it with
a wire hanger to make it fine
On TV the Olympics roar
people making history
but I'm just happy with my new appliance
in my humble home, making it clean

Sometimes you do things that are stupid
And you don't want people to know you did it
And depending on how far you're stuck
It can really feel like way too much
It's kind of like trying to swim in snow
You can move around, but you can't go
It's very uncomfortable and you'll get all wet
But it isn't the dumbest thing anyone has done, not yet

His name is Little Guy
And last Friday his brother died
He's lived with me for eleven years
And when I cry he licks off my tears

He has small crossed eyes and a ****** back
At twenty one pounds, he's too big to put in a pack
He's grey and white and wears it well
As for catnip, he loves the smell

He's raised kittens like a mother
carrying them around and keeping them together
Not bad for the tiny runt of the litter

And now we are closer than ever
With his brother gone, it's only clever
To get closer to this special one
And my heart? That, he has already won.

Never thought you'd do something so low
When it happened I thought, let this not be so
The diamond ring you gave
twelve years before that day
you stole from out of my luggage
before you brought it up the stairs

And when I found out
half a world away
You screamed and swore
and denied it that day
but then some how, some way
You managed to find it--ay?

You sent it to me like a letter bomb
All wrapped in layers and tape much to long
And box inside box like a Russian doll
And that was bad, but that's not all

The last box was one made
for the storage of nails
the kind that build houses
or the kind you put in bombs
And with you, there was really something wrong

Driving down the streets of Berkeley
Everything is irking me
And I've got hypnosis today
What is going to become of me?

I'm coming here to deal with grief
and maybe a little anxiety
but when I sit in the office you see
I'm calm and my eyes are dry

And I get put into a relaxed state
Although it didn't feel like something rgreat
but it was fun and kind of interesting

But when I arrive back home
and open the mailbox
Suddenly I get caught

A letter from the vet
consoling me for the death
of my beloved pet
Shakour

Twelve years, two continents
and countless moves
he really was there and saw me through
and suddenly the tears just come pouring out

And I'm caught off guard in a storm of sadness and doubt

The UN was all abuzz
Everyone was talking cuz
Saddam has got a bomb

Oh, no way, the French they say
and that crazy El Baraday
Sitting out in some Paris cafe
All they say is he ain't got a bomb

But back in America, they know best
Cuz we're a better country than all the rest
And everyone there knows Saddams got a bomb

I'm in Israel on that day still in danger
just like yesterday
And the last Gulf war Saddam threw some Scuds our way

My husband, we argued
that week before you left
I said I'm afraid I agree with the French
You said better watch out
Cuz you got to stay and see
And they'll be Scuds landing right here on our street

Then with great courage you said " I can't stay,"
Got important business in the next days
And for two we really cannot pay
and I say "oh, that's OK"
I'm getting more Israeli every day
When it comes to bombs I'm quite blase
And besides I've always been really, really strong
But deep inside my mind there's something wrong
What if Saddams really got a bomb?

So off you flew to the United States
Where everything was peachy keen and safe and sound
And I was in the path of Scud that could hit the ground

Back in Haifa I'm up late
Patriot missiles up on the mountains those days
Aiming high, pointing out to Saddam's way
And I watch the TV nearly all day
over and over the UN they say
Saddam he really, really ain't got no bomb

My friends tell me they'll be a help to me
If the bombs fall we'll have a party
and we'll drink and laugh and eat cookies
all inside the bomb shelter, it will be fun you'll see

I waited in Haifa and watched TV
Listened for the sirens but none reached me
And watched a night time shock and awe Iraq block party

It looked kind of like a pretty morbid fourth of July

And daily life went on that day
even in the Jewish state
And you'd never know that a war was going on

And then they say he got away
And when the awe had gone very far away
And the shock and the blood were very, extremely dry

The coast was clear
You could dare to come near
My hero man
I see you don't give a ****
So you flew back to our fair city
and you have to face up to me and say
You're right, Saddam ain't got a bomb

No mushroom cloud
No cheering crowd
Just a dusty state
crumbling at a rapid rate
No bomb in sight, they looked with all their might
No matter where they went the couldn't find the scent
just the scared and the saved and really dead bodies
And all of us scared Israelis

And then the world it had to say
The French were right and so was El Baraday
Saddam doesn't really have a bomb

I went through all this
Without you to kiss
To be scared with
Or be calm with
And I realize now
if I can do this
without you by my side
with you I really don't need to hide
cuz I can really make it on my own

Woke up this morning, thought I overslept
Eyes swollen shut from all the tears that fell
I just don't know if I can keep up going on

Keep thinking bout the time when we first met
You were down and out
I worked up a sweat
Never knew it'd turn into death do us part

Think of all the hard times we been through
No matter what went down, you'd see me through
Now it's like a part of me is gone

You were a part of me, now I see
I can't restart, don't know what to believe
There's a hole inside and it hurts like hell
In my emptiness I'm not doing well

I know we saw this coming a mile away
doing all the right things,
then all you can do is pray
So God take your soul now and please treat it well

And now that you're in that better place
I'm still here tryin' to keep my faith
that everything will turn out all right in the end

Wander around like a zombie
Feel like  losses, they just keep coming
But there's one thing that I want you to know
I always and forever and ever will love you so
always forever and ever I will love you so

As I try to balance through
this avenue of grief
your absence is relief
I still remember your voice
Your blows as I squirmed in pain
over a loss like this
I can imagine you
in your New York life
with your new wife
Making fun of me for caring
for feeling
and I am only too glad
I can't hear you

that advice, it's amazing
take the weekend off
do what you want
I did
Yesterday, dark glasses
crying up a mountain
today, swimming
I'm feeling better
So good in fact, could it be this easy?
Am I cold?
Turn off the TV
silence
Tears again
I love you, I will always love you
I hope you are in a better place
Stolen from me,  by cancer
I did all I could, but it wouldn't be enough
I knew from the start
Everything as planned and well executed but horribly scathing
all the feelings back, saturating my soul
unbearable
an empty place that can only be filled
by pain in order to heal
subsides
Some quiet again

All those young bodies
so trained, taught and tight
all put together for more than a few nights
only the elite athletes are allowed in the village
no partners, no spouses no one to investigate

Apparently that leads to lots of hook ups
Celebrations, commiserations, there's a lot of stuff to do up
So the villagers are supplied with fifteen condoms each
And all around, there is fun in heaps

You're an animal in the pool, he said
Once I came back from a dip, I turned red
We'd been chatting about coasts East and West
He was a business man, had he a wife? That's a yes.

But it was obvious that he was full aware she was far away
All the way around the world, in Sardenia, *** you say
He dropped little lines about when he was leaving
It was in a couple of days, and I was thinking
This is so obvious, this is so gross
I already feel sad, and I'm trying still to make the most
of my time and I think how could it get worse?
I bet it's not to hard to tell as I write this verse.

Back in the pool I couldn't do my drills right
Even if I stayed there all night
I imagined myself telling a friend
I thought I felt bad and then
I took the bait, the drug, the distraction
And then only the worst did happen

The pool was closing and it was only too clear
This guy really wanted me to stay near
But the voice in my gut said get away
And so, stronger now, on this track I did stay

Nothing can change the stress in my life
But a drug, an affair won't make it all right.

Yesterday morning I left the gas tank nozzle in my tank
and drove away
A stranger yelled or I would have pulled out the entire thing
I had to take him to the vet, and I knew it wouldn't be good
Today, eyes swollen from tears
Knowing I rescued him, gave him twelve and a half good years
a life on two different continents
and a gentle ending, the only option
I always wanted him to have a house, not an apartment
A relaxed owner, not a stressed one
But he was loved, my little black rescued cat was loved

Lymphoma
There was a  fundraising run for lymphoma and other cancers
A little notice for it on top of the garbage can
at a home grown Jamba Juice right off the BART in Berkeley

It hit home: what I was up against
People don't run through the streets casually
and my cat had lymphoma

I couldn't find him last night for the first time
He had his weekly appointment and I brought in
something that didn't look at all like he was the week before

They paged the vet and she came in
saying thing like he needed an IV and tests and
wasn't there nothing else to do
didn't she say that
he needs hospitalization--his liver
we can't tell you what to do
but it would all go in a circle and come back
to a suffering being who had
come to the end of what science could do for him
what she was trying to tell me in her barrage of words
came through loud and clear

They brought him in
with a blanket and a catheter
and he struggled until he got warm and then rested
I wanted him to see me, as the last thing he saw in this world

She took the three syringes out of her white coat
Don't hurt him, just don't hurt him
my only request
There was no pain
Only relaxation, sleep and then at last no heartbeat
Her ability, her smoothness of execution was perfect
and he went limp in my arms
not suffering

The nurse took his body away
"It's the last gift we can give them" she said
and I imagined a man, a stereotypical
image of a man pacing back and forth in a white coat in front
of a lecture hall full of vet students saying that
exact thing and there was a serious air in the classroom and some wrote this down,
it was so true, sound, capable and final
but this woman said it
this veterinarian from Michigan
and through my tears and grief
there was some kind of undercurrent
of relief, that there is no more pain for him
He no longer suffers
and I did all I could do

Cleanse me of this pain
Let the tears that stream down my face
wash away the sadness like a mountain stream in Spring
take away the hurt like a tide comes in and takes with it drift wood
and leaves a ****** beach
Wash through me, like a precious garment is cleaned
And leave me fresh again
Wash me off like a car wash slides away dirt
so it won't scratch the surface
refresh me like sitting in stock tank at the top of a mountain
as I pull stickers from my socks
You are necessary
help me

You have been together since birth
Do animals grieve?
You seek out my company now a little more
on the back of the couch, head draped over my shoulder
as I write, your fuzzy head on my knee
You, the runt, the littlest one grown into the biggest
Over twenty pounds of Israeli's finest cross eyed street cat
Rescued at the same time, you were near death
your brother tried to escape into the inner workings of the car
stopped by my grabbing his tail
He was always the stronger one, the faster one
the normal one
You wait for him now, when it's time to eat
While he struggles to his feet, nothing but a skeleton
We will have each other when he's gone
but I think you will miss him, too

I love you like my bed at the end of a tiring day
You have been
a source of joy, entertainment and comfort
I've been amazed, by your energy
your athleticism, beauty
four quick little paws
lithe, capable of impossible leaps
A purr that could catch me
at my worst moments and warm me,
sustain me
Go gently, my little friend
into that good night
I cannot bear for you to suffer

Notice the bad thoughts
and watch them pass away
don't try to push
fighting them makes you
hold on tighter
only notice, gently
and let them float by like a fallen
leaf in a stream
a cloud on a windy day
an abandoned toy in a back yard pool

In Israel, you live in today
you never know what tomorrow will bring
if there will even be one
or if you will be asked to shed your civilian blood
on a bus or at a falafel stand

Today is what you have
connected to the dirt
under your feet that is
not taken for granted that is
a second chance at life
and is precious
and precarious

So you smoke
you yell and scream
and forgive the next second
everything is up front
there is no time for hidden agendas
everything on the table now

Everyone in a strange bond
On the day to remember the Holocaust
Sirens scream through the entire land
In the middle of nowhere on a highway
at the appointed hour, the siren
and all cars stop
and people get out and put their hand on their heart
united in a common grief

feel the pulse of your beating heart
feel the miracle that you exist
that despite an industrial scale effort
to destroy you, you are here
despite the millions who didn't make it
who were shoveled into mass graves
whose flesh was burned and the fat spattered and monitored
you are still here
today
a testament, to survival

No time for so much focus on the pettiness of ceaseless consumerism
A strange relief comes when you
realize, you are now a part of something larger than
yourself and are precious to a community of strangers

In Hebrew you say that
you talk "in" the phone, not "on" the phone
prepositions aren't international

I worked with Ari and Zohar at the cat shelter
in the afternoon shift
Ari lost his job at the cement plant
after twenty years
There are no trees so cement makes everything
cement is your house, your floor
your city
Now he worked for minimum wage
Thirteen sheckels an hour for a few hours
in the afternoon

Zohar was a law student
with a passion for animals
"they must all be Americans," my American friend sniffed
when I told her of this group
dedicated to the welfare of Haifa's cats
No one was American but me

We worked near the Kryote on the road to Tel Aviv, the Haifa
Soccer team sped past our dilapidated
caravans on a dirt road to their practice field
I always worried they would squish a kitten

Near a boarding school for agriculture
and a cell phone tower spewing out cancerous radar
I loved working there

I cleaned, then washed at least 25 cat boxes
with a hose with no hot water hooked up to an old bathtub
outside.
Palm leaves strung up
for shade above me
gave some medications
the afternoon shift
at four, we politely sat down to instant coffee
(water boiled in an electric ***, a koom koom
the only way to make it warm here)
and chocolate
and cigarettes
Always cigarettes

I didn't know where my husband was
one morning, he had taken the car
so I couldn't keep going to this place or anywhere else
I think he was living with his new girlfriend
a former student of his, in Hadar
Hadar means beautiful
It was the cheapest place to live in Haifa

I took the bus, and if I had the money
a second

If no money for a second, I'd walk past the military base then
through the banana groves
taking my first shaky steps to independence
wind through the leaves so soothing
Lost in giant waving leaves
they seemed to embrace me
wave to me, cheer me on
like bystanders at a marathon.
Plants living their silent lives so peacefully,
apart from the hot struggles of humans,
through dirt roads and finally at the shelter
where kitties awaited me.
Some of them were mine
he dumped there
I wanted to live here
to me this was now home

Sometimes Ari gave me a ride
I'd walk an hour, wait at a bus station
Sometimes a dead cat nearby on the street
hit by a car, common and unnoticed
Smoking now, like everyone else
cigarette butts around every bus shelter
trying to say goodbye to this place
that for all my poverty
my desperation, was lighter now
that he was gone


Grieving, my psyche spinning,
Trying to handle all the contradictory feelings
Loss and relief,
Grief and freedom,
Respect and love for this place
now that he was gone
Surprised by this feeling
Fear of the great unknown
waiting for me, a town
I escaped from eighteen years before
would soon be my new home
on the other side of the planet
I was in nowhere

Loosens the screws to your psyche
as the loss, seeps out
What was once there is gone
And your personality caves in
just a little bit

Someone looking to exploit can sense this
Sees the loosened worldview
the unthinkable is happening
and what you believed you could not
withstand is putting you to the test
And you are quavering
The foundations shaking
As in an earthquake
If this could happen
What else that you believe in
can be destroyed?

The Morrocan hashish I would never
have accepted from a married
man on a deserted beach
with one Arab boy sitting on the rocks
nearby just watching the waves

And I lay next to him, the sand
between us at once so fascinating
and my dress feeling so short suddenly
and incapable of covering my body
in broad daylight
as the Arab boy
turned away from the water and stared

"Was that your brother?"
the colorist asked me at Empire Video
a reference to a Christmas Party
where you came, my husband
He was the same guy
who said I could be a hair model
after 16 hours editing a spot for Pantene

Laughing together
how funny, to be in sync
Sync, sync: sound and picture
must be in sync
husband and wife as well

How when I saw you I would relax
and your sense of humor would
deconstruct any trouble
"When he was a child, he could make adults laugh,"
your Aunt said
and I believed it
what a gift

Troubled by my boss, "he looks like a used car salesman"
a smile, it was true, the last thing I'd think
taking him so seriously
So many times, you'd pick me up
your response would puncture
the bubble of fear and angst and heal it with laughter

After parties, our impressions
are the same
this person, that person
Howling in the streets over some dumb movie
or chance encounter
anything upsetting
you can cut to the quick
and pull out the ridiculous

My best friend
I had you
I trusted you completely
If only I could remember just that
There would be no trauma
and I'd go on
without so much fear
If only I'd seen just that side of you
I guess I must pretend

Eyes dart around
Shoulder twitches
thoughts dart around like flies
this worry, that
work---will start
what will it be like?
He, I will see again
can I make it normal
Script done in time?
cat, when will he die
can I handle it?
weight, never budged
must live with it
age, goes up
continues
no turning back
he, what will happen?
Script, is it good
Money, can I stretch it?
I'm
just
supposed
to
notice
these
thoughts
and
let
them
go

The Middle East
My parent's friends had left for the year
The silence echoed through the city
I didn't hear it
No one to watch out for me
But I didn't think I needed protection

I wasn' t aware
Like a deer grazing blissfully
in the gunsite of a hunter
Then he struck
it wasn't a clean ****
everyone saw
but no one did anything
there were different rules there
men do these things
wait it out, or leave

Hide the evidence
Just leave, he said
like, walk out the door and
hop on a plane to San Jose
like catching the subway in New York

Or like putting the body in cement boots and dump it in the river
I was stunned
who was this man?
he looked like the man in the wedding pictures,
my husband

The body stayed there for a few months more
To him, evidence
rotting, stinking
being noticed
talking
living
showing off a rotted trail of abuse and scabs
trying to come to terms with its destroyed life
wrapping its mind around how twelve years
could wind up like this
"I'm sorry it had to end this way,"
the American husband said
in his new form, a crude sketch of what
he thought was Israeli
what he thought he could get away with
here

then I was gone
the evidence disappeared
He painted the apartment
like a crime scene made fresh
and blamed me that the landlords
weren't friendly to him

Hours later, with the help of an airplane
I was back in a world
where these things aren't tolerated
Women don't have to cower and
wait it out in a cosmopolitan city
where jets fly overhead so high
you can't see them
Shivering, fearful, trying to hide the trauma
pretend it was just a normal divorce
How could anyone believe what happened?

It means you are really next to something
You are near
The conspirators
in Julius Caesar had to be close
to sink in the knife
the old way of killing

It means, you are with another person
who you really like
who you trust
who you allow to be near
and share your vulnerable self: emotional, physical
because you trust
he would never
sink in a knife

But what happens
if that person you trusted
you lived with, you are close to
becomes a conspirator
and sinks in knife after knife
until you are a heap on the floor
crying out tears, not blood
time and again
ruthless, relentless
until you feel like just a blob of emotion
spreading out like a blood stain on the floor

It's the "unkindest cut of all"
from Brutus
except worse
because a man and wife
are even closer than Julius Caesar and Brutus

That fear in me
Will it ever end?
Will I ever want another man
to be close?

I surf through the land of ***
A woman in a chat room
flirting for enough money to do a "show"
Men write "nice (), are you doing to do ()?"
She smiles, licks her lips, does **** female things
tells them they make her feel **** and excited
trying to get more money
I recognize my bra
I want to write
"Did you get that bra at Frederick's of Hollywood?
I have one just like it.  Same color and everything."

I confront my prejudice
How will the girls in my script look?
I admit, I expect them to all be Disney Perfect
But that goes against my values
I know the damage perfect does
There is no perfect, there is only diversity
How can one genetic look always outshine the others?
Tall, thin, blonde with large *******.  Long legs and arms. Size 0.

No, there is beauty in difference
and it can be put on film
not as a side show, but the main attraction
I learned from my mother
Beauty is a mirage
An eternal struggle of pain
of hunger, the knife, the self hatred
that is never attained
A petite Scottish woman, medium *****
a dancer with a beautiful body and face
and a slasher for an inner voice, striking her at every move

It's in me, too
I learned the lessons of beauty as I learned Calculus in my high school texts
This is the formula, this is the way it is
The proof is it is all around us in the media
Body very thin, ******* very large
Size 0 without ribs, and hip bones and shoulder bones sticking out
How the stylists repel when they see that evidence of starvation
And large, engorged *******, ready to feed an army of babies
"nature doesn't make women like that" commented a model
before she had "augmentation"

If I am to create this world, my story
I must confront myself
I must accept my form, and its history
A body never born to be size 0
without ribs or bones showing
or six feet tall
or small *****
or large breasted without extra flesh everywhere
A body scarred by the affects of poverty
worry, and struggle
A resilient body, a strong body
and one that does not fit the mold
of "beauty" and never did
but at the same time, is beautiful
but not in the accepted form
like my mother

If I don't accept myself
if I can't look at myself and say this is OK
This is who I am and it is just fine
How will I accept it in my characters?
How will I look beyond appearance to the soul?
You don't make a good story with models
That is a fashion show
You make a good story with people who are unique
with their own configurations and unique qualities
even in their flesh

Some people live a charmed life
I haven't
How to live without the worries, the memories overtaking the present?
Just be here
In this moment, everything is OK

Sunday morning
Quiet out, even the freeway sounds are dimmed
My neighbors who get visits from three giant police officers
with weapons, and they all look eight feet tall,
are asleep and quiet for the moment.

Birds outside
I wake up with my coffee and almond milk
A bitter drink, but cruelty free
That is so important to me
After all I have suffered at the hands of others
Not to be an exploiter of a senseate being
Not to ever be like those who hurt and walk away

I go to my half couch
Sit and cover myself with a fuzzy blanket
Little Julietta, my tri-color semi-feral rescue hops up for a pet

There are memories
At 45, I have regrets and pain
and fear of more pain
But not in this moment
In this moment, everything is peaceful
The tormenters are absent
I've run away from them
Excised them from my life
Ignored them, they are all gone
There is a day ahead to live, moment by moment

The flashbacks, the dark thoughts come
Pray, let them pass by like the cars on the distant freeway
To experience them once is not avoidable
To extend that, is
They can float by like clouds on a windy day
There is nothing more to learn from them
No more healing from experiencing their pain

Here.  Now.  Is OK.  That is all we have.

The afternoon sun is deflected
by the shades on my open windows
and the fan
and my cats become longer and thinner
like small mats smoothed over the floor

At Bookshop Santa Cruz
I look at a book about the East Bay then and now
One picture strikes me: 1969 Sproul Plaza
Govener Ronald Reagan has the National Guard spray
tear gas on protesters on the steps of this Berkeley Administration Building
People run in black and white
they look like my parents
The helicopter is so close to the ground, like the Vietnam War

I was three
In the backseat of our VW Bug
My mother was driving me to Strawberry Canyon
for a swim
Then she got scared--something on the radio
We turned around
I didn't understand
She had to protect us from tear gas
We lived in a war zone
Everyone was very upset
We were attacked by our own government
Even children were fair game

An innocent frog is placed in water
If the water temperature is raised gradually
the frog will sit there until it dies

In 1980 Ronald Reagan became our President
Much to our dismay
"70% of pollution comes from trees" he had announced
as Governer, he was obviously a man of science

The vice grip clenched, the water temperature raised
as we felt around us the world becoming more
difficult as a middle class
we were supposed to wait for crumbs to fall
from the table of the rich folks
fighting over the bits like starving animals

Budgets were cut
Prices rose, wages fell or disappeared completely
We were at war

1985: I took a class in Economics in college, a UC
I learned that Supply Side Economics was
a silly idea written on a napkin at a fancy restaurant
where the fat ones eat
and the crumbs are thrown away

It was all a sham
An excuse
The vice grip tightened, the world became
more difficult
not the American Dream my parents grew up in
To be middle class was to struggle and struggle and still
not have anything

The frog began to die
Somehow we saw that
Reagan drifted away, but his ghost
remained, a respite in the 90's

Then we were at war again
Not just tear gas, but carpet bombing
Guerilla warfare in the streets of a hot arid country
Oil companies, already saturating our ground and our air with their products
Cashed in

The frog is near death
We struggle, and nothing gets better
Only a respite

At a fancy restaurant
on a napkin someone wrote
a new theory of Economics
that became like Scientology
Outgrew it's ridiculous inception
And became real

Ronald Reagan dropped tear gas
from helicopters on Sproul Plaza
and it drifted to Strawberry Canyon
where children learned to swim

But that is child's play now
the frog is about to die
I want to pull it out.

I walk along Pacific Avenue
Santa Cruz, CA
I walk down past the nice parts
to the bus station
near seedy bars
and a sandwich board reads
Cafe Pergolesi one block
with an arrow pointing

It's not too early to scout locations
It's the location of my opening scene
I approach, and I see, it is still alive
in this summer evening
people outside and in
a trod upon, worn and comfortable air
various levels to the porch
even ash trays on the tables
like Vegas, everyone is welcome

Inside, this is no Starbucks
You don't see a line clearly where you must order
and pay
like a theme park
or a hospital
or a slaughter house
where you are funneled

It's not too clean
But it's filled with comfort
Huge couches beckon
A Victorian house
One people lived in
with spaciousness and windows
Real air permeates the place
An ATM is casually smashed between a couple of tables
but no one cares
you can't mass produce this wonderful mess

A friend's band CD blares through the speakers
badly recorded
a barrista in carefully torn fishnets sneaks a break
on the back porch with her cell phone

I buy water and a cookie and settle into a huge worn chair
Every room has a different theme
But I want comfort
I pull out my notebook and write
I have a shopping list of scenes
And I add another one for this place

Would they let me shoot here?
I don't know
But I think I could live here
It's so non judgemental
People buy things
But there isn't that corporate pressure
There are no special names for dumb things
just small, large, cookie, beer

This is cafe bliss

Years ago: 93-94
NYC: Columbia
trying to finish that thesis script
in Butler library
sitting at a wooden table in a room full of wooden tables
covered in a vast ceiling
creativity squeezed from my brain
my boyfriend waiting for me
only a notebook, a row of payphones on the first floor
a line forms as undergrads wait for the inter-college phone

Today, 2012
Berkeley: Doe library
Looks like Butler but nicely painted
not ravaged by the weather and city
rows of wooden desks with lamps and outlets
I write on my laptop, a cell phone in my bag
The row of payphones on the first floor are just empty booths

I feel like, I could look up, and you would be standing there
You, my boyfriend, who became my husband
My best friend, a difficult one who I stood by against the odds
You would be standing there, or maybe sitting down reading a
large novel in French, and we would get up and leave together for a dinner on Broadway

I look up.  The room is quiet and clear.
The air is fresh, no sounds of the inner city
You are not there
You live only in my mind
I wonder, how it was for you, years ago, in your year here at Berkeley
before you ran home, uncomfortable on this strange coast, this new world

I wish I could say to you
doe library looks like butler library
isn't that interesting
when I'm here, I feel like I'm there
But you, my past persecutor and abuser, would not listen
you new wife would be horrified.
It's such a simple thought
I don't want anything more
I'm afraid of you
Just wish I could connect, with that good part
at an innocent time when things were working

the panic thought: I can't finish this before the deadline
just notice it, like a cloud, it will pass by
the pain: why won't my X acknowledge my simple thoughts
why does he pretend I don't exist
just notice, that is the way it is, this thought will pass, this feeling
the worry: my work starts up soon, how will I do?
lay off again?  the budget? the election?
just notice, this will pass
your life will pass by
you must live in its moments
in order to appreciate it

Brain is jammed
too many neurons firing off at once
mean--nothing but a psychotic, numbing buzz
So many things to do, undone
Which one first, next, last and after
Sweat trails down my back
I feel a drop down my spine
It's all coming to an end I know
Suddenly tired in the midst of all this
Then up again
What will happen?
Cat will die, gave fluids, pills, pain lotion
Fluid pouch drops from his shoulders to his chest poor thing
and he wants to go out and he can barely walk
Script is not finished
Summer comes to an end
But no!  I can finish the script.
Rally once again, so tired.  
Look up my X's old friend on Facebook?
just torchure, rolling in it
My life, need to go, get out of here

Drain the moat
Let down the draw bridge
excuse the body guards all of my mind

A frightening prospect
But the only way to be close
How will I know?
Whitney Houston never had an answer
for me in that song

Can't do it yet.
Only ponder what it might feel like
Just wait, no desperation
No fear

I'm starting to imagine him
Who will he be?
The one I let in close

The thought scares me
Close, to love and know
and close to hurt and destroy

This time close will only be to love
Or, he'll stay far, and then away

He's a shadow now
But when he's near, I'll relax
I won't want to work on him, he'll be fine
He won't want to change me
He will respect me

It's hard to even imagine this.
The other he hurt so much
Sometimes I think, that was the plan
His plan
to hurt me so much I will never again
let in another he

I can't let him win

I unblocked you on Facebook
and I looked
My temperature rose
Not in a good way
I started to sweat
You make me so nervous
I don't want to see you again

Maybe you got another job
Maybe I'm wrong, and you don't cling there like a barnacle
But who am I kidding

You will be there again
Looking, a stare a bit too long,
Then, when I need you, absent

My goal is not to need you
You are my judge, only
You will decide my fate next year
I wish I liked you, but I don't

I never did, my mind played tricks on me
It always does
Can't go that route again
Thinking of you makes my skin crawl
It's blood being pulled away from the skin
Conserved, so when the Sabre Tooth Tiger strikes
there won't be so much blood
That's physiology, fight, flight, freeze or I don't know

All I know is, I don't want to see you again.

I come home and my cats greet me
One, poor soul, has cancer
I give him his drugs, pills in the back of the throat
a spritz of water to help him wash it down
Pain lotion smoothed on his ear

I am not lonely
I walk through streets filled with couples
I work with people who are with someone
Always someone to text, to tell what their next move is
I watch, an anthropologist learning something
My patience is endless, I feel like a different species
I study faces at a bar
What is going on inside?
People tell so much by how they look

After divorce, I thought, being alone was the worst thing
Desperately, I went on dates, riding a roller coaster of my own making
As I got better, the dating stopped

Now I just watch.  
I still feel relief
as I walk through my own door
there is no one to rage at me
No one to insult me
No one to not be there when he's supposed to be
No unwelcome company
I left that eight years ago
And I still am so relieved to find only
animal faces, who only care about their next meal,
a drink of water, a warm bed

This work, reflecting on who I am
doing what I want, taking up the space of me
I should have done many years ago
but we do the best with what we have at the time
I can't look back and regret, I did what I thought was right

I am alone, but not lonely
I'm doing work.
Constructing a stronger foundation
that someday will welcome the close company
of another

It was him, inviting me, to be again in his cadre of contacts
Excitement rippled through me, wanting to know all his aspects

I imagined us smoothing everything over
All forgotten, starting anew,
We would meet for coffee, that would do
And since that went well, we'd make other plans
Soon we'd travel together all over the land
And romance and perfection would be in the air
He'd love everything about me, kiss me with his hands in my hair
A happy wedding would follow, just as I like
Finally, everything would be all right

I got updates about his new connections, saw his face
No messages, just that old picture, served up in my e-mail like on a plate
Then my fear started to grow
What if he's up to something, how would I know?
"You know he's just a Facebook **"
Said a friend, who could ask for more?
That means he has way too many "friends"
And two years ago I had to let go, let it end
So now he's doing the same on a different site
So I went in, and I deleted him, which took all my might
And I see that when it comes to men, I'm ******
Need more work on this, just stay steady, let it go

My favorite new word, but your dictionary only knows outsourcing
When we think of creating new jobs, when we thing of working
Now we think of other places
Long hours, cramped spaces

No rights, governments that don't protect
The people have no choice, they can't connect
My gadgets are produced by these poor souls
And everything "made in china" is getting old

Lets have some insourcing

Everything "adult" was new
And I knew what I wanted to do
All undergrads are really the same
We want to get naked with someone, go insane

For those of us on lockdown in our families
This was our first chance, to get some, finally

I remember the discovery of the feel of a fully naked man
His muscles were so hard, he was so hairy I didn't understand
How I hadn't noticed all these things before
What can you know through clothes?  You need more.

And I went through all the dramas
And I can remember all their names I promise
I saw, I experienced the beginnings, middles and ends
And I had my ups and downs, it just depends

And now it's not that I'm bored with it all
It's just I think I know how much it hurts when you fall
Everything seems to matter so much more
I'm not just a kid, living mostly on my parent's money in a dorm.