Saturday morning
Bedroom with sun shining through my green diaphanous curtain
My cats have carved out little holes where sun strikes through, unfiltered
and a rhythmic sound from above
Someone is getting frisky
and has a squeaky bed
And the natural cycle spins on, faster, faster
more intense and finally gone in silence
It's better than violence
but still TMI

I've been told, I live in the past
I am aghast.
Always looking that way,
just live in today
it's so easy you see
not for me
I give up hope
Just do, throw down the anchor on a rope
and just sit
Such a perfect view on the way it was
and only because it was this way
have I a problem now
In a boat, on a sunny day, on a lake
I sit, am rocked by a wake
of a passing cruiser
Around me is a moat made by me
you can't really see it, it's not real
I can see out
but not touch anything,
and I doubt
I will ever move again,
reach for the rope!
pull the anchor up!
put my chin up!
stiff upper lip!
What have we? quick! man the oars!
Plug the drain!
onward mates, haven't got all day!
I lift my eyes and ponder the horizon
balanced on  the moving water
shrouded by fog,
is my future
I look at it, still floating like a log...it's all I can do

What comes next?
A fusion with brain and internet? *** text.
descriptions of positions and inhibitions undone
crawling down the screen,
like  morse code across the sea
or an old computer reading cards, blurting out silent sentences
passing lights on the screen,
then gone
or the News crawl passing on the bottom of the TV
without the repeats
all in our imaginations
the touches, movements, even some sensations
the connection of  two biologies
two living breathing human beings,
much more complicated than simple machines

But this is the computer,
the technology star
that brought us fame and power and wealth
Now seems a bit in ill health.
A downward spiral,
like a old rock star, playing at a seedy corner bar:
the technology that sent a man to the moon
and fought the Soviets until their doom
the frightening technology
of my childhood years,
big computers creating bigger fears
and now being put to good use
as I have my fellow in a metaphorical noose
our fingers go across the keys
and send signals to each other's bodies
connected in imagination with mine
and it's frightening how it works to well
Almost like reality, I can barely tell
but then it's over and in the after glow
A thought taps me on the shoulder, tells me I should know
that in the end the bond with the human being
has evaporated like silent steam,
Not because we're mean
But because he's not there
but now I'm aware
of a peculiar new bond with my phone

My crazy mind, roller coaster mind, mind is a whirl pool can't comprehend
Makes no sense, comes in waves, a moment ago I was broken and done for
over some dude I don't care for and now he's forgotten
Is my head filled with cotton?
This makes no sense,
I'm crazy as all hell
Can't you tell?

Or some kind of Countess
Even though she looks like kind of a mess
and my shrink was right
as she is every time
he likes her cuz she's rich
My X and me, my shrink says it's still raw for me
and him
but they fine
My cousins live in Oakland
And they work a day and have a Union
Back to the middle class, on my ***!
As he floats by with millionaires, but they do have cares
I know that now, and how
He lives on his trust fund, and works some
and takes happy pictures in bars
And they seem happy enough, yes they are
but what can you see online?
I saw she's insecure
big surprise, just why
you need to announce your relative?
and I know he's only nice after he's had a few
nothing new, to me
His best friend has a trophy bride
Or maybe he married his daughter
So gross, these rich men and their habits
Sometimes we can't change our outer circumstance
But we do have a chance
if we try real hard
to rake up our little zen yard in our mind

Shopping in discount stores
living the unglamorous life, that's me
It's not strife
but rife, with challenge and epiphany
telling me what I want to be
no matter what I see in me now
He talks to me like he's shopping for me
comparing me to these other females
must be making a lot of e-mails
I love your voice, I like your hair, great body
does he even care I feel like a product on the shelf
is he talking to me or somebody else and now
I'm in full blown obsession, no connection but Facebook
messenger tells about his session
and it wasn't with me, you see
What to do, I don't know, he cast the hook,
I wouldn't go just can't know what right
but this feels wrong when I got home
I opened the bomb, the wine and took a big slug
worked better than his cyber hug and
promises of massages
check my phone a million times a day
I'm as crazy as yesterday
It just lies dormant in the night
I can't fight
I check the phone a million times
Oh God, here it comes again
I don't remember when I was so confused
Should I have taken is invitation to go on that impromptu vacation?
Up with his family, how awkward can that be, what to do
I'd be ballin' baby. I can't afford it. I just have to ignore it
and turn off, turn down that voice in my head
that said: you must have him now
you can't survive on your own
you must belong to someone
but I'm just fine with no one

Do not cross
the weathered plastic, still yellow, faded blows in the wind
the unsolved, cold case file
there lies, me
"we decided a long time ago," says the detective
"it was pointless to continue.  this will never be solved."
so we put the evidence away in a cardboard box with a label in sharpie and
little plastic bags full of samples of entrails and remnants of a life she once had
and buried the body
but she was still alive
and the box was taken deep down into a sub basement 17 floors from the surface
and filed and there it sits, gathering now a thick layer of dust, unmoved
the cardboard becomes fragile and the evidence dessicates and the body
remains buried, hidden and
yet the victim is still alive and apparently normal
Apparently, but not really, some kind of cold dead inside ***** snatching
a heart stolen and sold on the black market by someone she trusted
but she still moves, walks, lives