I see them all the time, walking entwined
oh, there are problems i see too but there is this glue
sticking them together a rubber band connected, sometimes snaps
sometimes doesn't last
but for me it is ruined, i still can't answer the question you asked me ten years ago
in Haifa Israel at Ha Bank cafe: what would you do if this ended
your cold hand and heart and I said I would be a nun meaning
deadened feelings and no connection again because I trusted you
and I should never of but I believed in you
and never should of and I can't open up again I am not over it
will never heal this fresh wound from a decade ago
never will the raw bleeding stop and I can't
I can't to that again, that opening and hoping and stupid dreaming
that ends in betrayal and being cast off like garbage
with a wedding dress sold to a filthy store in the armpit of the city by you
and my china, some kind of symbol of hope and love to be
some kind of promise of married happiness and fidelity
you sold that too the day I left
you destroyed me
so love is for other people, not the road **** that is my heart
baking in the sun and unrecognizable flattened into oblivion

You say, I love your body
You only have a picture and I liquified it to make me skinnier
never thought I'd get a notice, now you invite me
It would take me out of my loneliness
but can I expose myself to the pain of
seeing me for real? what a stupid predicament
Oh, my body, I changed my meds, gained even more weight
God. The softness of vulnerability
I want to take your invitation
should...but I am sealed over
plastic veneer breaking, want to reach out and touch
want that human warmth, to destroy me

not so beautiful a life
normal on the outside
filled with internal strife
the day you said you loved me
My heart opened up to see
the day we parted
i felt tossed into the sea

the unfamiliar Atlantic
so way far from shore
an open heart is bleeding
don't need it anymore

So I closed my heart forever
sealed it up with a stitch
covered it with a zipper
threw it in a ditch
and I've been living ever since
in a fine kind of life
but now I want my heart to open
to peak out, risk being broken

even for a moment
the fear comes howling back
will I drown in the cold, dark ways
or now do I have a knack
for balance and resignation
to the fact that nothing lasts forever
we just go from station to station
on a train ride with no destination

What am I doing
I don't even know you
I'm done with this, everything warm and vulnerable forever you know
was betrayed, now closed up shop, the end
love can't touch me
why open myself to hurt again
that felt like it would **** me?
and yet, still alive
I move toward you

chemistry, yes
I feel it
so hard to just not think say
ambiguity
uncertainty
you are welcome here and I can
just sit with you and s'ok I don't have to know
how this is where it is going how it will
end

My Facebook friend turned cyber lover
no, I won't send you any those kind of pics and
you say you like me,  then my voice on the phone
I forgot if I like you
we both like to crawl up steep hills but who
are you?
I am afraid, this just early stage or ending/beginning that
never went anywhere what is this? Silly cyber friend
so new to me and maybe in my worries I forgot to ask
do I like you?

I forgot part of the question
                                                          what was it?
Learning                                  history                                your
she  was too young, so was I
need a good grade...am at the coffee shop...drank the coffee....ate the cookie
wasted time on FB                    the question WAS
It pulls on me and someone puts on Death Metal and there's this gutteral gravely synthesized voice
and (what was the que--)
being pulled, resisting, but it's too strong
and I'm in
floating in memory....the question
to answer I have to slit my chest open and let some of the contents run free
as I ... it wasn't all books and pencils and how dare you ask such a question
my life wasn't a hallmark card
she was only 10 and she was my best friend so that means I was only 10
My learning history--how can I even think...we had a psychic bond we did a test
and it showed and she was a little chubby with golden skin and
her father was creepy and he left out his copies of Hustler for me to see and
told me beauty was in the eye of the beholder
but to **** a ten year old that is vile
I remember...a day or so later, going over to her house where she showed me
what she brought home from the hospital
(chalk and teachers, and winning jelly beans for knowing state capitals)
and she had coca cola in her fridge and all the latest appliances from Sears because
her father worked there, like a push button phone and a washer/dryer with a digital display
and clocks, too, like that and when she told me what happened it was like
being electrocuted painlessly for about three hours and I had to leave
because...books.  drawing things and teacher don't give a **** about anyone
and today, children are much more protected and people talk about things
but then
(my learning history? I remember desks, and boards and being nervous)
and how can a grown man take a ten year old he knows and tell her
they were going to find someone and instead
stop the van, just looked like her father's van
(today we are doing long division)
demand she goes into the back of the van and take off her pants
and stick his tongue in her mouth
and then kick her out
bleeding so she ran to a vet and they called the ambulance
(and she never came back to school)
and I started piling on more clothes, layers.  
You can't show those ... what is happening to you
and my learning history
I can first give you this
caked in blood and no, it's no longer bleeding, thought it was
I have unearthed something
there was something in the way and
that's why I couldn't answer the question