Thank you for the self doubt, today.
I was too shocked to retaliate properly,
it seemed too obvious to say
the words that I wished to.

That I am not you.

I'll not make your mistakes
I won't choose those men
the type you forever chose
time and time again.

I'm not you.

I am filled with self consciousness,
low self esteem,
my trust issues are high
and my confidence is not what it seems.

You made me a wreck.

I'm not you,
I'm paranoid and
suspicious and
tense.
Always waiting in
suspense
to pull up my
defences once
again.

But, I'm not you.

I'm always going to try,
I'll always have to
trust with
reluctance,
but trust I must do.
I am not you,
I'm going to find
happiness, this
I know is true.

I'm going to be with someone
who doesn't make me scared,
instead one who comes to my defence,
one who does not glare me into a corner.

"She was not like the mother who bore her"

Romantic I may be
but ignorant I am not
I would rather rot alone
then jump into bed
fully besotted
straightaway.

I'd rather wait and stay
wary. Rather
worry about their lateness
of arrival
then get on the first ride
I see.

What was it you wished me to be?
Stop being scared about your mistakes
and allow me to be me...
After all of that I think I know who I want to be.

Partly you
Partly Dad
Partly memories
Partly friends
Partly family

but, mostly and absolutely

Me. Why is this so difficult for you to see?

Splitting pain throughout my head
Can't help but wish that I was dead
Foggy memories crowd my mind
Making me a long for an earlier time
Before the hits and brain so damaged
Back when I had problems I could manage
Words come out in a jumbled mess
Stumbling and stumbling as a try to confess
That though now broken I was once whole
That I can conquer this injury and become the me of old
Four times recorded when my brain did falter
Became countless Sundays praying at the altar
Father heal me from the lingering pains
Please, let me be whole again

I thought of anything that could **** me
Hate,
Love,
Pressure,
Trust,
Friends,
Maybe everything.
Maybe it won't **** me in weeks to come
Maybe one year,
Two years or more
Maybe never,
You won't know, right?