I wish loving myself was
as easy as loving you

to put myself above

z.m.

when I speak to you,
rummage through my
silent thoughts
and piece together
this fully formed consideration:

the notion of beauty
is an illusory fantasy
and realizing its reality
makes it an unrecognizable
nightmare.

I am that unrecognizable
nightmare.

z.m.

look into my eyes
and tell me all of your sin
I wish to know the itch
that festers underneath your skin
I want to know your flaws
the ones you try to hide
the ones you cannot keep,
in my head they can reside.
For I need to understand you
and the trouble you have seen
because everyone has a story
of where we we're going

and where we've been.

z.m.

if I could write this paper right
I could've been done by now
if I could think coherent thoughts
I'm sure I'd figure out how
if I could focus on this essay
I think that I would try
if I knew what I could say
the time would just fly by

but alas I sit, stuck at my desk
in the hopes for something to say
I see the clock, let out a sigh
and put it off until the next day.

lead me to
my first home

back to where
things were simple

and I made the
best memories.

i wonder
what is life without loss...

what is life without love?
even if it is temporary.

z.m.

**** the parts of me
that are still beating.
make me invisible;
so when I see your face
you won't be able to see mine.

z.m.

how I wish to find myself
enwrapped in the euphonious
resonance of a symphony
to allow the sweet sounds to encompass
their harmonies around my hand
and guide it into yours

z.m.

she takes my hand and guides me
through the debris of my broken essence.
she gathers me into a warm blanket,
and nestles me into the nook of her side;
her hand guiding my face to hers
as she gently kisses my forehead,
leaving a trace of absolution and
contentment in my once scattered mind.
her eyes glisten with the security
of a new day, a new opportunity
and it is here that I feel
safe from my unimportance
in the world.
from my unimportance to
you.

she draws me near her boundless heart,
lays my head on her lap and gently affirms
"my baby,
there's nothing that momma's love can't fix"

z.m.

when you smile;
when you hold my hand;
when you kiss my lips.

i can look into your eyes and see
a meadow of white and yellow,
us running towards an eternity together.

i look into those same eyes and also
see the reality that dreaming of daisies
is just that:

a dream.

z.m.

a pill I've waited  
an eternity for
has finally cleared my head

in this body
discoveries await where  
happiness can now be spread

I sit and wonder
what life would've been
the life I could've led

if I wasn't sad
felt worthless and mad
or wanting to end up dead.

z.m.

wash away my sin
in a blanket of cold water
and submerge me in a river
to be made whole again

renew my broken thoughts
and show me the worth of
the world
I long to leave

z.m.

I wish to have a simple life
one where my emotions are seldom
and thought is limited to happy things

I wish that my short life
be hidden in the crowd
and tucked away

for I wish not to live
within the four walls
of my broken mind

z.m.

play your mind games
and I will follow
make it my fault
when you are the one
controlling the pegs.

but it's fine,
because I'm loosing either way

z.m.

what is is like to utterly despise your body?
to hate the mirror you are conditioned
to seek comfort in
and to compare your incapable mind
to those who are happy



I'll tell you the secret to complete contentment...
break the mirror and dig the pieces into your skin.

z.m.

pretend to be a different you
the one that others want to view
pretend and lie
but never sigh
because the better you
is the one they'd choose

do not complain or say a word
because your voice will not be heard
you'll want to cry
but you must try
to hold it in
and show a grin

z.m.

avoid the quiet void
that sways your mind
to think sad thoughts
and choose to go to sleep
instead

z.m.

undress your wounds
to soak them in the salt
of reality.

z.m.

I want to free myself;
break away from
the feeling of your
hands touching me
and the echo of my
voice pleading you to

stop.

z.m.

come sit by me
and keep me company
by the fireplace

tell a story
one with a happy ending
like in the movies

make me forget myself
and where my body resides
like I could leave it if I chose to

allow my mind to wander
into your utopia
and forget that I sit here

by this fireplace
under the bridge

z.m.

if I could tell you,
my words would flood the floor
and drown out the sound
of both of our breaths

if that happened,
then there would be no one left
to hear us.

z.m.

I'm used to one sided conversations...
trust me, they're lonely

z.m.

I wish I could've guarded my heart more;
could've guarded it longer.
or at least killed it when you shot an
arrow right through the center.

z.m.

the city stares back at me
through a clouded window
echoing the buzz of
shuffling feet and car engines
the reassuring hum of living

the grey of the buildings
reflect on the waves
in my coffee cup
warping the scene and
making time seem like a mirage

I made it to this city
on my own
wandering amongst the night lights
as if they would lead me to home
but they led me here

they illuminated a
minuscule apartment
at the end of the street
with tiny gardens growing
in the veins of the walls

it is here
that I sit on the couch
drink my coffee
and look through the ***** window
where the city stares back at me.

z.m.

I poured myself into a glass
and waited to be consumed by you.
I mixed my interest  
into a cocktail
and waited for it to be taken,
I added in time
sprinkled in effort
and shook it until I blended into
a beautiful bright hue;
I waited to be consumed.

You picked up my cup
among the rest
and sipped me through the night.
we got tipsy off of our infatuation
but you were too afraid to commit
to the idea that we could become
drunk off of our mutual feelings.
instead, you set me back on top of the bar
picked up another drink
and left me half empty.

z.m.

a vast head of stars
millions of lightyears away
is enough to separate the
real you from me
allowing me to only view
you from a distance
and leave me to wonder
what it's really like
in that mind of yours

the feeling that we
are on different planets
is enough to show me that
the theory of you
is more difficult to understand
than I had been taught in school

...but that doesn't mean I won't try

z.m.

I think to hard...
I overthink

                  


                                 ­                                                  See, I'm doing it again.

                                                                                                                    z.m.

atop my tiny raft I float
moving with the waves
ebbing with the ocean

my raft is small
but it chooses to float
a promise we agreed upon

the ocean is loud
and I can find myself
capsized with my boat

but once the storm is done
I flip my raft over
and begin to float once more

z.m.

you are the light in which the world needs
a kind soul who refuses to see anything
other than the beauty of others
and revel in the bright aura of them

z.m.

we are drawn to those
           who don't care about us

                                              z.m.

it's not even fun anymore the
way I stay up waiting for you to
keep me from falling, but
then I remember that I am
anticipating an ending that will never









arrive.

z.m.