Toughen up* they say
It's no big deal, it wasn't even that graphic.

But it was you could see the pain in their eyes.
If I did "toughen up" I would be like everybody else.
unfazed because I knew of the cruelty of the world.

Yet, it is because of this fear I have of seeing others hurting others
that I am different.

I won't accept it as a part of life,
as something you can see in the movies and say it's no big deal

It is because of this fear
and me feeling what they do in the movies
those victims, those alone.
That feeling that I am them that keeps me up at night.

That is what makes me someone who will so something about it
and not just see this pain and destruction as something that's
no big deal in a movie theater or in real life.

Just because you know of the cruelty of the world
doesn't mean that you are going to do something about it
It doesn't mean that you feel others' pain, and are empathetic.

I look back at everything I wrote,
think on how all those emotions had past
But they are still here.
I'm a different person
everyone around me is the same though,
no perspective can make it better,
this strange situation.
We are different people
these are different situations
While I look for a way out,
everyone is trying to find a way
to keep me locked in.

I'm always going to be fighting back
always in different ways,
against different persons.

But you are all the same.
You say you aren't the same,
that you aren't like them.

You are,
you always have been.

I'm already so painfully aware of

every

single

mistake

I make.

I don't need you pointing them out as well.
Every moment my mind is telling me
I'll never be good enough for anything
let alone anyone.

I act like I don't mind
One would think I brush everything off
But every moment I'm going over the past
What I should have done, what I shouldn't have
How I'm just one big mistake
And I just make everything worse.

All you are doing right now is giving my mind more proof
against myself.

I wish sometimes that people could be in real life as they are online
That I could just block them to clear my head
or delete them from my contacts so I wouldn't have to deal with them

It would save the cold shoulders
the tense atmosphere
and lives could change for the better

without having to spend it avoiding problems

Every time I close my eyes
I can see you sitting there on the curb.
I can still see the disapo=pointment, the hurt in your eyes.
I never thought that you would take my words seriously,
and I couldn't go back to you and explain.
Maybe we actually had a chance,
I could tell what was on your mind,
but then I spoke those words right before the rain came down
and I had to leave.
You weren't supposed to take my words seriously,
you were supposed to get that I was joking.
Now it may be to late to mend it.
I can't steal back that moment with your arm around me,
our heads close.
Before I pushed you away with those words.

That weren't serious.

Boy, why are you so serious?
People liked you because you were
happy, energetic...different.

What has happened to you?
Have you finally succumbed to what society wants,
what you said you would never do?

Where is your spirit,
your joy and weirdness?

Everything is gone,
every last trace of who you were.