we have all been crucified:
in the name of love,
in the name of marketing,
in the name of god,
in the name of country,
in the name of science,
in the name of hate,
in the name of ***,
in the name of violence,
in the name of peace,
in the name of philosophy,
in the name of entertainment,
in the name of sport,
in the name of popular culture,
in the name of food,
in the name of medicine,
in the name of slavery,
in the name of freedom,

but mostly,
in the name of
love--
because the basis for all
crucifixion
at it's
divine core
is
love

I make the effort
place my hand on the wheel
put the key in the ignition
and turn
the car
sputters
but doesn't start
the cold air seeps through
elusive cracks
and I am left
to freeze
alone
as cars pass
sympathetically mocking
the *******
I drive

I like all of them
but despise them
all
the
same

I thought I found myself
really felt happy
it was a first
since prepubescence
it all ended last night--
as if it had even started
my friends will all laugh at me
and they'll swear I'm a **** up
and it's true--
this miserable **** up
writing what you read right now
can do nothing right
absolutely nothing--
the worst of it all
is that I thought
I was
for once
I knew all the while
something was deeply wrong
if I did not pry into it all
I doubt I would hurt this much
but I dwell
I dwell
and continue to hurt
and hurt
I hurt
you don't care
no one does
so, I'll drink myself into comas
during adulthood
and eventually become a decent writer
and some people will like what I do
everyone but me
because through life,
I'll always be this miserable
**** up
nothing will ever change that
why would it?

life is a *****
but she is beautiful
she is wonderful
she makes you yearn for her
but the *****, life,
will never yearn for you
because you-- too
are a miserable **** up

I touched her knee as I left
--she asked me to turn off the lights
I closed her door and walked into my room
I picked up a guitar and wrote a song
it was decent--

the next morning, it all set in
--I threw up--
I made sure the fan was off so she might hear what she did
she slept through the gagging
none of it mattered
because, the night before,
I spilled my guts
told her all I could
and we're just friends
to her
"there's no way you feel nothing"
"there are plenty of fish in the sea"

I'm the fifth guy she's done this to
this sting has to be the worst of them all
I have no desire for friendship
I just made another enemy
and I love her more than anything
but that love is turning
with
slow
spiteful
hatred
but I do love her
and feel like I always will

the ******* *****...

I think that everything I write
has redeeming qualities--
this must mean
it's all ****

"*******, zach"
I hear a friend say
and I write another ****** poem

"you're always in a huff"
she says--
and I tell her she's the reason
I write--
she hugs me and everything seems at peace
it isn't
it can't be
nothing is really awkward
and it all feels natural-
but she seems to shy away

ugliness is a *****

I watched you shudder
pick up a sweater off of the floor
drink from a bottle--
then slide across the couch
wars raged on--
and I faked an excuse
to stand up
miners were stuck deep in earth
and I sat down and put my arm around you
sudanese children were ravaged
and I looked into your eyes--
you laughed at my blemishes
then went to the bathroom
I was hurt deeply--
I thought
I'd deal with all the  suffering in the world
if I could avoid all the **** that was going on now.

I got up--
poured myself a glass of water
and drank it down--
I listened to the toilet flush

in a fit of panic,
I ran for the exit
something grabbed hold
of me and pulled
me in the other direction--
I watched it's face
it writhed in some
emotion-- an emotion
I had never felt
In pity,
I let it take me
through depths
an expansion
of everything I held near
greeted me at the end
I was doused in absolute euphoria
I watched her body
switch from side to side
and I was hypnotized by her
she came towards me,
within inches,
and whispered
in a language
I had never heard
but knew nonetheless
In english, her words can not be found
they were divine, but they themselves
rejected divinity
I yearn to speak of this to anyone
but I would be
written off
as
nothing
more
than a
heretic