there were things
i had never imagined
i would understand
be; experience
and gape bemusedly at my
unbelieving ambiguous eyes
in the unnoticeably clear
smiling mirror of the bathroom.

things such as
being a creep

the creep whose wandering eye
wanders just a wee bit longer.
A microsecond length of
the not-understood, the suspicious,the dubious
the curious sometimes,
but really mostly nefarious lunatic, perhaps...?

the creep whose teeth clench into a
smile.
the lips parting
but only
Mendaciously...perhaps..?

the creep who peers into me
like a god
scouring my precious little secrets
my hurt points,
my loci of scandalous innocuous things
meant to be inside of me
for my self.

the creep who infringes
on my warm bed
of Safety.

***
*******
erectile dysfunction
sneer
******
*****
me
father
mother
weirdity
all the complexes

that make you Feel

like a spider
whose web is shattered with
but an uncaring finger.

power.
Uncaring Callousness

terrifying in it's brutality
intent ,
and things beyond .

the creep peers in.

but i was only trying
to make friends.
a bit too hard , perhaps...?

oh the creeps of the world
i understand thy plight
the fact that you never understand
what you are
doing
but only after it has passed
that the black hole irises
of un-understanding visages
come to you
to inform you
that you have been
a creep, the Creep.

it came like a vague pain
long lost in the beating of time
a realisation
an information
an unpleasant realism
like suddenly noticing that the
man who comes to make the gardens beautiful
is always in rags of clothes
and that the man who drives little children
to despotic schools
has his teeth charred with cheap cigarettes
and that enormous sadness in the yellow eyes
thinking every day
of his mother who has bad lungs and is senile
of his wife who wants cheap new bangles
to color the grind of curses hurts -Chores they are called
and he lights a new beedi

and i get uncomfortable
with the idea of love
yes an idea
no longer Love
with the feeling and the awesomeness
but a stone hard realism of a feminist
and it makes me want to turn away
or look past and look at ,and leap
to the solitude of a traveler
revelling in the journey
of the earth with it's hospitality

it's a Feeling
that feels like
perching delicately
on the bold curve
of a soft edged rock
in the midst of the Ocean
watching waiting
listening with the beating of your heart
waves
that only so occassionally
splash playfully
a cricket's-song undertone
of a vagueness
that makes you Feel
lost beyond rationalisations

that crescent moon
of a smile
needless to say
it reached up your eyes
and down your throat
along your pounding breast
jangled currents bolts shocks waves
across the marrow of your heart

and then it crept sleekly
inside your gut
gravity defying stunts
and it lifted with an urgency so delightful
your restlful restless brain stem

you know
when i first beheld the icy greyness
of this giant sepulchral building
a giantness of Empty
a giantness of unrecognised surreal faces
a giantness of being sorta kinda lost
a giant lostness of slamming into glass doors
hurriedly breaking out
to a place i wanted to know

when i first beheld that giantness
i had never thought
imagined felt conceived
hell i had it all figured out
in what i thought was a deep deep experience

i had never thought
it would be that crisp
that quick
the creepiness of mounting heartbeat
pounding like a drumbeat
rising out into the rosiness of dawn
full of a wisdom of it's own experience

that it would be that supple
lifting me with effortlessness
like a wave of adrenaline
rush; gushing into my
guts; breaking out like
a furious river bent on
flowing with the vastness of the ocean
and the innocence of the sky

i had never thought
that is how you have a Crush.

tailored to perfection
to suit the searching wavering conflicting
feeling
that arises like a whirlpool
cascading rising swirling
you look with that look of yours
trying to look
like you're not looking
a thud
in the recesses of
what i realise is a heart

i see you
looking at me
listening
for secrets