there was a shade of blue seen in no eye
no bottle, frame or stroke of oil ******
upon thy mysterious moving canvas—

and though i cannot paint your skies
the exact shade of blue you dreamed of
the kind you yearned for, so much so
a blue so deep it shamed the ocean floor
a blue so bright it left the sun in cowardice
a blue so mixed and right one could look
and almost absorb its sugary sweetness—

a blue to remember
in another day and time—

Getting out of the endless cycle
is what drove me to get out of it

I never saw myself as qualified
though some said I exhale excellence

I had never understood beauty in myself,
though I had always seen it as a possession of the envious

To perform in the language you speak
was to become my only goal

To sacrifice happiness for the fading scent of lilies and matches,
to throw myself in an abyss for the last time.

Paradise, 2018

I always told myself that I had wanted to “go away,” it really didn't matter where, I just wanted to go away,

You told me I’d find that place and that I’d like that place but I didn’t actually want to leave because I knew I’d leave you,

I’ll always remember the night we made the decision. The decision to stay together forever. It seemed like ages before I knew our separation was inevitable, my tears giving me the first real indication of such,

Though I had made those last two situations up in my head they seemed so real because you were in them,

Sometimes I’d imagine that you were mine and that I could cherish every inch of your skin,

Arriving home is so difficult sometimes because I look out my window everyday hoping you’ll walk by,

Even if you didn’t even know it was my house just that glimpse would be enough to fill my heart for eighty-two lifetimes,

I wish I was as good as you at this. I really do,

You eat confidence for breakfast, your bleak outlook on things sometimes reminds me I’m not the only crazy one,

You make me feel sane and you make me feel valid and you make me feel more than anyone has in the midst of what I always thought to be just me being insane being depressed being every label that has been crazy glued to me since the day I was born,

You make me feel like it all makes sense for once,

You make everything feel fine, like everything is going to be okay even when it’s not,

Like I said, I wish I was as good as you at this. How do you do it? Please enlighten me,

I just want to be you I want to breathe you I want to see you I want to hold you I want I want I want,

Even though it had always been about you I always wanted to be you,

I wanted

Toronto, 2017
(for N)

life comes in a constant cycle
beneath the shadow of my step
it grows and takes me into its grasp
so vile yet so soft like a satin sheet

and beneath its fabric veil, it lay:
a mirror image of myself,
o, it speaks to me
this doppelgänger upon me
who moans and weeps mine name,
in its increasingly painful grasp

who is this culprit in mine home?
illuminated by the desert moonlight,
unlike nights of neon and pavement
in its post-death wander across time:
but for where does he go?

Abandoned in every manner
I sleep in a shallow pool of blood
Every correction possible made
Clarity never came at such a price—

Between loans, loss and black livery
My mission was clear
From obsession I rose again
But when will I return to ashes?—

Familar visions I found solace in
Sent familiar fear through my veins
Created only from a life of necessary impurity
To create the new dogma I now adopt—

I stand before what I once rejected
With no choice but to embrace it with open arms
And in that I retreat again
So that I too shall return to the dust I once was—

Paradise, 2018

the moonlight is pouring into my room
it vanishes—i weep,
a bloodborne obsession
the moonlight is pouring into my room
it bathes me—i weep,
cool wind aches my skin—

Paradise, 2018

i wrote for you today
i abandoned my moss covered legs—
i ran as quickly as i could to you
and i wrote down so many things

i hope to see you soon
i miss that tired groove in your voice—
will i see you again
have you heard this pretty song

i wrote for you today
because i abandoned you—
not because i wanted to
but to bring light to truth

you left me
i abandoned you—