Abandoned in every manner
I sleep in a shallow pool of blood
Every correction possible made
Clarity never came at such a price—

Between loans, loss and black livery
My mission was clear
From obsession I rose again
But when will I return to ashes?—

Familar visions I found solace in
Sent familiar fear through my veins
Created only from a life of necessary impurity
To create the new dogma I now adopt—

I stand before what I once rejected
With no choice but to embrace it with open arms
And in that I retreat again
So that I too shall return to the dust I once was—

Paradise, 2018

I always told myself that I had wanted to “go away,” it really didn't matter where, I just wanted to go away,

You told me I’d find that place and that I’d like that place but I didn’t actually want to leave because I knew I’d leave you,

I’ll always remember the night we made the decision. The decision to stay together forever. It seemed like ages before I knew our separation was inevitable, my tears giving me the first real indication of such,

Though I had made those last two situations up in my head they seemed so real because you were in them,

Sometimes I’d imagine that you were mine and that I could cherish every inch of your skin,

Arriving home is so difficult sometimes because I look out my window everyday hoping you’ll walk by,

Even if you didn’t even know it was my house just that glimpse would be enough to fill my heart for eighty-two lifetimes,

I wish I was as good as you at this. I really do,

You eat confidence for breakfast, your bleak outlook on things sometimes reminds me I’m not the only crazy one,

You make me feel sane and you make me feel valid and you make me feel more than anyone has in the midst of what I always thought to be just me being insane being depressed being every label that has been crazy glued to me since the day I was born,

You make me feel like it all makes sense for once,

You make everything feel fine, like everything is going to be okay even when it’s not,

Like I said, I wish I was as good as you at this. How do you do it? Please enlighten me,

I just want to be you I want to breathe you I want to see you I want to hold you I want I want I want,

Even though it had always been about you I always wanted to be you,

I wanted

Toronto, 2017
(for N)

Getting out of the endless cycle
is what drove me to get out of it

I never saw myself as qualified
though some said I exhale excellence

I had never understood beauty in myself,
though I had always seen it as a possession of the envious

To perform in the language you speak
was to become my only goal

To sacrifice happiness for the fading scent of lilies and matches,
to throw myself in an abyss for the last time.

Paradise, 2018

I had always wanted to secure a place in your heart
Although you never gave me the keys,

I had always wanted to envision us together
Although you never handed me the camera,

I had always wanted to dream of you
Although you kept handing me the coffee ***,

I had always wanted to you hear what I had to say
Although you never turned on the stereo,

I had always wanted to see you again
Although you never left your apartment,

I had always wanted to know your favourite colour
Although you always wore black,

I had always wanted to be your future
Although you said you only lived in the present,

I had always wanted to stop
Although you had always given me the green light,

I had always wanted to impress you
Although you had never let me take the exam,

I had always wanted to live for myself
Although you continue to exist better than anyone else,

I had always wanted to die
Although you saved me for another day,

I had always wanted to live
Although you we’re constantly throwing the knives.

Paradise, 2018

I was front row to all your playful crimes
You saw me dissipate into the distance;
I wish you had ran after me with feverish want
Your harmful grip my favourite fading colour

"Life isn't fair," you said, though your mind was faithful
Though it wasn't god you believed in
You believed in what wasn't yours
Feeding on the sweet flesh of envy

We walked every universe together
Our undetermined destination approaching
I wish I could walk sixty-three more
But I couldn't find it in me to ask you for even one

Will you join me for this party for one?
Your mind hazier than old video
Your heart only an arm reach away
I will keep in touch

Paradise, 2018

I got out of the car that dropped me off at your apartment at 6:16pm and its grey outside and your apartment was a darker shade,

I felt so free though I felt so confined within the tiny space,

I wanted to leave the area but I didn’t want to leave you,

I have so much work sitting on my desk back at home but I prefer to just dwindle through the sheets rather than do actual work,

It is 8:32pm and you are making me coffee and you ask if I like cream and sugar, I like both and you knew this, but you asked anyway,

I asked for only sugar, and I stared at the circle of brown-black liquid beneath me, catching a slight glimpse of your reflection,

As I sipped, you asked me about my plans and my thoughts on everything from the Kama Sutra to my favourite shade of green —forest,

It seemed almost customary for me to ask for another cup of coffee, but I did so anyways,

The grey atmosphere made your eyes look duller than before, but it never failed to describe them as glistening in my diary every night,

It is 9:45pm and I miss you already and I haven’t even put my coat on to leave,

It is 9:46pm and I don’t want to leave,

It is 9:47pm and I find myself running out the door,

It is 9:48pm and I am freezing,

It is 9:49pm and I realize I have ****** up again,

It is 9:50pm and you tell me to stop checking the time that it won’t making things go faster,

It is 9:51pm and you tell me you’re not mad,

It is 9:52pm and I am back inside,

It is 9:53pm and I don’t ever see myself going home,

It is 9:54pm and I realize you are still right there next to me.

Paradise, 2018

I witnessed you spend the same amount of money on the same amount of things everyday, finding yourself more and more enamored with your capitalist obsession,
    To find yourself in a more peaceful position without said obsession was blasphemy, though I had found that in my discovery,
    You were able to live without it, though you were obsessed out of your own satisfyingly unique pleasure,
    Oh light, what have I done without you? You have spoken to me from the grass I step on to the grass I smoke,
    I found myself in the shadows day after day, longing for your calling though it had been there the entire time,
    Oh darkness, how I have found myself so familiar in your arms, your caress uniquely yours like a blanket made of a thousand dreams,
    Darkness, the perfect friend and enemy in my times of need, propping itself up and coughing all night long, never letting me reach the pinnacle of sleep,
    From the last revolutions of a record to the dimming light of a candle, oh darkness, where are you now?
    I have alluded to your presence only to be shattered into oblivion and thrown into the ditch of a forever-schemed insanity,
    To those who believe my notions saying it will get better, to those who say they are the inventions of my own,
    You, darkness, oh sweet, sweet darkness,
    You are the last touch of reality I have in the world, the sweetness and innocence of light long and forever perished,
    From the connections made in hell to the pact we made in the woods one winter evening, it is all there between us,
    Oh darkness, who shall I call to next? To whom shall I give the grief and burden you carry, only to siphon it back to me during every living night,
    Oh you, my sweet darkness, I have never longed for you more.

    Paradise, 2018