you answer my love like it's a test
as you tilt your head and deliberate
and pick words so slow and discard the rest
and I pry and pray and calculate
the math-o-manic inputs for your robot ears
for your robot mouth to soothe my fears
and your wide eyed confusion
as tears line my face a canyon
your dark eyed stare puts me on knees
to your imperious posture I plead

How do you look sad?
Is it like this or like that
Is it more of a frown or all in the eyes
Water and down cast brow furrowed up top?

I've never seen anyone sad
That's all I can say
So back to the question
How do you look sad?

It's not something you see
On a day to day
Sad people don't exist that I must say
Sad is on the inside it's internal to all

How do you look sad?

were I to be strong,
it would be due to your love
alas, supposition

I am an idiot when I see you
Oh how I drivel and babble

My thoughts scatter I'm not alright
I plan some words and plan awry
Train of thought spiral into daydream
Making sure I say what I mean
to say. Because my word I chose
I'm one bizarre
muse

I am an idiot when I hear you
Sonorous and soft sense
Blast I've become too tense
Dismantle me with words
Ones that yearn to be
heard

I am an idiot when I touch you
See how I tremble

Hands touch too tender
Hands touch too excessive
I feel I may be oppressive
I dance fingers with wonder

I am an idiot when I think you
One giant fantastic

Simple things odd things
Honestly anything
It comes to mind
And I turn to find
That I am much too silly

An idiot is what you do to me.

vivacious
vividly vivacious
life blood bleeds through my veins
i am so alive
my moments are treasures i keep close
my moments are quests i seek to find
the wind flows around me as i ponder the universe
the steam licks the window as i ponder the universe
i am so alive

i dont dare disturb you
    because i do dont know you
    because it wouldnt be proper
i dont dare disturb you
because chip tip and slip i go
and i go as you go
so i dare not disturb you

and i try i try i do i do
and i dare not disturb you

If I were to meet you in a dimly lit room
where the lights dim low with purpose,
would you lean close to me and whisper with me intimacy?

If I were to meet you in a dimly lit room
when the sky looms sea slate grey,
would you smile me a private gaze with untold joy?

If I were to meet you in a dimly lit room
with the music pulsing just too loud,
would you place your touch on me and command my heartbeat to your fingertips?

If I were to meet you in a dimly lit room
while my blood flows with thick spirit and your scent swirls spirals,
would you let me breath you in like the only air I know?

If I were to meet you in a dimly lit room,
would I be yours?

I'm having troubles with myself.

    I'm having trouble with the way I think about things in the world
    And it's like I lack scope, I lack vision.
    because there's so many things that I should consider.
    I't s like I'm stepping on eggs every time.

It's troubling to me. That I want to be so considerate
but not lose my sense of identity.

So I'm having troubles with myself.
    And perhaps I'm very poor at wording what I want to say.
    And perhaps I'm not entirely sure what I want to say at all.
    But I'm constantly chastising myself for being so self absorbed.

    It's vascilatory. How I am. In the end, I just feel this unease
    And I don't know how to resolve it.
    It's all a matter of appreciating things more.
    And I think, as I write my introspection I can see that my troubles
    Arise when I have this dissonance

Between the need(?) to appreciate the things around me and
My emotions which I'm having. And I'm trying to understand myself
While I try to understand the world around me. So it's a bit contradictory I know
And it's a contradiction I try not to show.
But it's there and I'm thinking this is me getting more mature.

find me in my bedroom
asleep on sheets sanguine maroon
worry not, I intend to wake up soon
curtains drawn against the light intent to preserve the gloom

see you tomorrow after a long day
not knowing that's the last thing you'll say
for I do not intend to stay
see me tomorrow it will be a long day

hi, if you're trying to reach me i'm not available at the moment
these feelings I'm feeling simply just won't end
I'm too stubborn to help, to convinced I won't bend
and then I break

so let us go then you and I
when the morning begins to peak out that twilight sky
I've gone ahead I fear,
maybe I'll see you in a few years

and suddenly
the start is something like a trickle of mountain spring water
it's minute, persistent, almost prideful
the progression is natural
it's almost a flow
it's an onslaught
the sound of bed sheets pulled over
soft silken sweeps emit in intervals
and then dispersal
with the gradual suddenness of sand slipping through fingers
like the clatter of marbles dropped from a hand
the multitudes emerge
scattered like a dandelion
consumed by the wind
and extension
until the last pin prickle straddles the edge of consciousness and imagination
with a pause
it cascades
the stream of water, stronger now, a river
and suddenly
impulse

im trying and im trying and im trying.
And that's the best I can do.

And one day I'll try enough
and that's when I'll show you.

Because I don't believe in myself yet.
Because I want to be proud of myself soon.
So I'm trying and I'm trying.
And I say I'm trying for you,

But I'm trying for me too.

I am not going to cry
Because I feel sad, helpless, alone and it is the first day of middle school
I squeeze my eyes shut to stop the tears from flowing
I ball my fists to stop my breathing from shaking
I will not cry right here
I am not gonna cry
Because I messed up, I made a mistake, and I'm so lost and don't know what to do next
I stop, breathe deep, and calm the histrionics
I close my eyes and withdraw from the world for a beat
I will not cry right here
I'm not gonna cry
Because I'm nervous, anxious, and away from home for the first time
I stand up straight and go through the motions
I breathe deep, shut eyes, take a beat
I won't cry right here
i won't cry
because i'm needed, because i'm strongest, because i'm reliable
stand, breathe, pause, go.
smile, breathe, comfort, breathe, go.
help, care, brave, go.
(there will be time to breathe later)
do, and go and do and go.
breathe. breathe. breathe?
i can't cry
i squeeze my eyes to give it a try
i curl into a ball and they remain dry

i told the stars about you because i love to brag to the cosmos
and i whispered with pride the ways you move me
and i told the stars about your hopes and dreams
and those tiny things that i can't help but notice
i told the stars about you
because the universe made us who we are
and some stroke of fate put me in your path to put me on mine
and it fills me with life

This is where the bench begins
four feet inward from the sidewalk curb
weather torn iron cast legs
corrugated wood spans.

cold fingers dance along
trembling touching tantalizing
it's icy and it's stark and the grey dull bench
is.

Clouds dance greys in a sea under a sea
exploring shades of monotone passing photons downwards
and the cold air ushers a low howl: dead winter has arrived

one day you will see my soul whole
one day I will give you a fragment and another day another
another fragment of my soul until you have all of me
of my fears, my nightmares, of my ambitions, my dreams
dreaming of giving you something so cherished
to cherish me as I clutch you to my breast tightly and tenderly
tender, my delicate soul you hold, from this day to the last day
one day you will have my soul whole

sometimes i feel like what i do is not enough
that feeling eats me up inside
i agonize, over analyze to the point of emotional homicide
so i stumble and scramble for the words to apologize
but it's not about me it's about how i failed you
it's about me because i need to make this right
but i need to care for you and it's terrible tonight
so as much as it is me that might
be breaking at the seams and barely able to bear
i am there to be what i can for you
because i'm alright i promise this is nothing to me
because if it was something to me
someone would need to care about me
and i can't afford that so it's nothing to me
nothing in the sense that you may lay it on me
and i will provide
and I, and I, because I, and me and me and me
I frighten myself with my ego
so I tuck it away the best I can
and let it seep in my thoughts as the liquor surges my veins

I took my old rickety-rackety down to the 38th annual Jickety Jackety
I glimpsed a flit of Thilts, purring Brazkets in a row
    a couple of Thrice Heim'ed Tippens
        and even one thundering Lugubrious Quandry
but mine was the only rackety that day at the Jickety Jackety

circuited with spection and plick-placked with aghast
did trundle my rickety-rackety with nary a quinkle
    "Welcome to the 38th annual Jickety Jackety", trumpeted the Sonorator
        "we eagerly await the clinking of clonks, the unexpected wabeling, and the ever hazardous finale"
    "a grand spectacle, a cacophonous din,"
    "shall the Jickety Jackety begin!"

a clamor strode through the spectators and washed over the contenders
as tension undid and knotted brows
    stitching and sewing a slurry and tangle

did dribble-thrash the Brazkets at the first note of "-in!"
on surged the Thraggonks not to be out done
        as my rickety-rackety gave a confident thitter-thatter
    and did dance onwards midst a flock of Thilts
        and my rickety-rackety chortled with patter
    firmly did lumber the Lugubrious Quandry
        each motion a thunder, it proceeded grandly
the chitter and natter as the crowds ribboned and tattered
the slither stomp wander of contenders contested
the sun ran slipshod down to the horizon
as Sonorator sang close the end of the the 38th

that day I went down to the Jickety Jackety
me and my rickety-rackety

i am here with the secrets that i keep
the things that i hide oh so deep
because a secret isn't a secret once it's told
and i dearly do have secrets i hold

don't be afraid
    to bleed brains on paper
    to plead pains unwavered
string sounds slowly
string sounds quickly
do so daringly
rhyme no caringly
    do not balk upon the blind eyed judge judging unwonted
    spray inky gouts
dare defy doubt

left                                                             ­                                                right
to my                                                               ­                                    on track
    own devices                                                          ­      to my future self,
    i tend to go                                                             endless possibilities
        astray                                                  ­            but only one choice
        i wander and                                                           and I wonder
            i ask the universe gleefully,       who will I be tomorrow?
            what's out there for me to see?        the answer is silence
                 and so I go onwards and inwards, journey of soul
                 i go downwards and outwards, a venture so bold
                     life branches and twines, a kissing canopy
                     unified in the end, I'm where I ought to be

she is beautiful when she is in love
with that smile on her face of hidden meanings
a unspeakable glow that can only signal someone above
eyes that glitter with private dreamings

when wanted and wanting of not but want
the desire flares and surges an aura undetected
granting beauty undescribable
one description of which writers find daunt
ages and years persons attempted
the love she exudes markedly incredible

indeterminable and fantastical
she loves with beauty and grace
that fathomless smile upon her face
beauty of which cannot be placed

lately lounging lazily
lavish luxuriant lull
loosely leaning leftwards
lightly lilting lyrics
languorous lively locals
LOVELY

when it comes time you must
    leap

and landing doesn't matter
because once you
    leap


you've already started
and it's momentum
and it's discipline
and it's waking up every day
to
        leap


even further
to do the thing
because the only way to do the thing is
                                        to leap



do the thing.

it's time
to try to win
again because
the climb, the road
it doesn't end.
and when
you hit
your personal peak
you look upwards and onwards
and aim higher
because the worst thing
you can do for your self is to
be content with where you are
so once again
its time
to begin again

are you the cure to my depression
or are you just another haplessly poured drink
are you the validation of all my turbulent emotion
or am I stupefied on the couch in soporific unthink
do I imagine you cradling me and loving me dearly
or am I falling asleep alone dreaming when I am going to meet you
do I lament the way your absence makes it hard to think clearly
or am I variously intoxicated to substitute a love lost true
do I descend downwards and downwards
as I enter the catacentre
and the succor so divine lingers a touch away
imbibe, partake, delight
and become unfeeling
or perhaps all too feeling

so you're an e-girl
havin fun online girl
patreon subscribe girl
premium snapchat girl
I'm that white knight
asking you for nudes type
saying I'll treat you right
crying about Chad type
I'm the niiiiiice guy

rest the creek, the brook the stream
dear soldier, traveler, pilgrim, dear king
stay and slow father mountain commands
silver wisps of cloud strand stone crown

o father o father there is a dream
I must go I must go I must be leaving
his silent reproach communes and remands
"my son, to me so you may gaze down upon"

"the earth, the mother sleeping tonight"
imperiously meekly father gazes a fondness
mother slumbers 'neath blanket down white
and its here and its here in the earth it is here

the stone and the tree and the river decree
the truth to the traveler the truth he must see
the man who must remember the face of his father

machine oil sky fade to black
blue white blue green yellow orange red brown
machine oil sky spectrum spectacle spread colors dripping downwards
soporifims sprinkle heavily

dream curls the mind
the ephemeral feeling like 'this is all there is'
spectre trees stand splitting
machine oil sky change time and
slip sunsetting tonight

hazy mind laying on high
dancing in machine oil sky
coalesce splendid waltz the cathedral
enervate a dreams vision breathing upheaval

gazing awestruck wonderous eyes
dazzled in machine oil sky
it is a tea filter tinting scatter light
machine oil sky what a sight

machine oil sky downwards darker now
machine oil sky begins to die
forever gone until tomorrow again
goodbye for now machine oil sky

Cold room hard eyes
The man in black steps in to meet his demise
Bold step eyes bright
Tenuous facade to hide his fright

Warm room soft eyes
The man in black returns to life
Bold step eyes bright
Eager, can't contain his delight

Man in black o' man in black
Go to your death with a straight back

Just a man I'm just a man
I can't do much but I do what I can

Man in black dares man in black labors
Man in black slaves under the glares
Bright lights low moans
Stooped backs life loaned

Come home man in black
Come in and relax
Your life you no longer give
Man in black now you live

when I am entranced
by a person I delight
in taking a piece that I admire
and melding it into my desire
then they become part of me

I am a patchwork of souls
I take mementos as I please

scented candles and red wine
thunderstorm ponderous overhead
slow songs with crooning vocals
talking about sad things and fond loves
dangling in that emotive twilight
one bit furious red passion
one bit somber violet sedentary
thinking about the human condition

in sky in sea bright heart afire
your song opens my souls desire
I am transfixed by your power
I bask in your voice, this evening hour
you are so operatic, magnetic
rhythms driving sensation across my skin
exultant, driven, nearly hectic
so delightful, almost sin
my pen dandles across the paper
my mind grasps at your fleeting form
trying to hold, and capture
this fluid thing that brings me rapture

rain on my window
good whiskey in my insides
sad songs in my ears

my thoughts are spooled in tangles infinitely
draw one out like a spider silk thread
thinly gingerly cling and extract
this pure distillation so delicate
lepidoptery, a million beautiful ideas arrayed on a board
pinned and preserved
no longer ephemeral

my haphazard clutter of books
stacked and stumbled in a cacophony of to read, and have reads
with a chic clique of am readings tittering through
my careworn spines and eagerly wrenched pages
and stiff backed unbent sentries
concealing tearful tomorrows or paper expanses of doldrums

it stops
something
        stumbles
and with
backwards
        glance

it is yesteryear
and the once and future moment
over and over
the first, second, third
fourth and fifth
        and sixth

welcome back to the ever oncoming
breathe
clasp
release release
release

sometimes I get lonely
and in my loneliness i get this feeling of woe
its time for me to remember that loneliness is just an emote
and sometimes i'll feel happy and sometimes i'll feel lonely
because feelings come and feelings go
but what i do because of them remains.
so when i'm feeling lonely i'll do something great
and when i'm feeling happy i'll do something great
because in the end what i do will be something great.

Pardise is the city that lyses the the two
the spare wanders, gloom of midafternoon, dance oilslick quay
peers the murkveil brine, wet: the denizen
then, within fish wife clutched dear soul
only Pardise, above twilight sky seeps

night, the dark city lumbers unlife
alight, panes glare down streets one might
be urged to seek black sludge, life blood
vain hit, delight, 'phoric midnight

and day cracks a flare
and sunlight climbs the steeple
and the city lurches

body, defile thy self
trundle and slough off

sinful form

it's time to be relentlessly open with myself
it's time to put my well thought thoughts into stylized writing
i want to bluntly talk about me
and this turmoil of feelings that i sit with
a turmoil of unorganizedness not of despair or distress
but more like something always roils to my psyche's surface
and i ponder it for a bit before it's stirred and turned into something else
and i'm scared of losing those thoughts because i'm quite proud of them
and how they constitute the person I am and the person I am trying to be
and so i'm writing them down.

how's that for a preamble?

starting at the top and first are bonds
i want to be the someone for my friends
i dont have the someone that i can reach out to or that reaches out to me
and that's okay
but i understand how alone i feel sometimes
but i can deal with it
but i am not everyone
i'm not boasting im not exceptional
but i understand how **** this feels sometimes so i want to be that someone for everyone
so that they dont have to feel this way alone
and maybe that makes me bold or prying or nosy but i'd rather
be lamblasted than too callous
and i'm so ******* awkward
and i don't know much about much
so be patient with me

If I love you, then I love you in parts
The parts of you that I know
Fill me with adulation
Or dislike depending the occasion

The parts of you I don't
Are things I not know or things that I missed
I am here loving you in parts
Despite that you have my heart of hearts

I despise you in bits in pieces and frames
And despite all that I still feel the same
And the same that I feel is absolute
Some sort of computation that doesn't compute.

If I love you in parts then it is deeply so
Each part of you is precious that you must know
I organized and gather my thoughts into stanza
I love you in parts it's becoming a mantra

I love you in parts you've taken my heart

girl with great eyes
limpid like a sunrise
beauty one might surmise
ardent almost idolize

woman of wild hair
defiant vivid without care
queen imperious conquer the air
a simply stupendous affair

boy of dignified face
countenance aristocratic grace
the goal artists chase
one to set heartbeats apace

smile so kindly warmth aplenty
welcome slowly simply gently
invite and guile tremendous friendly
something to treasure, love intently

Everyone's perfect, that I can see.
Everyone's perfect, why can't I be.

Well I'm beaten and broken on the inside
Well I'm looking for a someone to confide

Everyone's perfect everyone's bright
Everyone's perfect look at my plight

Well I'm hoping I'm looking for a good friend
Well I'm hoping I'm trying to stave off the end

Everyone's perfect don't you dare tell me that
Everyone's perfect don't you dare tell me that
Everyone's perfect don't you dare tell me that
Everyone's perfect what do I lack.

if i convince myself that being with you will make me happy,
will that make me happy?
if i trick myself into feeling good
will i end up feeling good?
if i smile and lie to myself that i'm doing fine
will i start being fine?

because "this is good for me", I say
and my litany becomes my reality
and my new neuroses become nevermore
because this is good for me

if i drown myself in loneliness
will that it make me lonely
if i plague myself with inadequacy
will that it make me inadequate
if i flay myself with hatred
will that it make me hated

because "this is good for me", I say
as the carrot is replaced with stick
and my nevermore neuroses begin anew
because this is good for me

kafka on the shore
shakespeare in the park
the person I adore,
leaves a particular mark

hemmingway on the coast
nietzsche in the peaks
this person is the most
to them doth my embrace reach

anonymous will rage
so that I will turn the page
so my heart speaks
of love it doth teach

here at the beach
as sand passes the glass
my amor in the dark
of you i preach and adore

Play it cool because it's uncouth to emote
Play it cool because I can't put words on how I feel

Play it cool because I'm scared it's unjustified.
Play it cool because I'm not sure how to feel

Play it cool because any other option is terrifying
Play it cool because I don't know if I'm overreacting

poetry is easy because
my thoughts which are so fragmented
i can lay them on paper
and fragmented is no longer
conjoined by stanza and meter
poetry creates thought
out of concated neural signals
and it makes sense
it's so much easier than writing

which is like squeezing the juice out of a dry lemon
or something
of incredible effort and herculean force
writing requires
direction and focus and foresight
far beyond what i can provide

and poetry i jsut ramble and it becomes
an art form i am ok with and i just spit
and it's great and free

where as when i write i am constrained
by second guessing and creative loathing

poetry is easy.

HE ASKED ARE YOU SURE
I SAID O'COURSE
THE DAY TO DAY IS SUCH A CHORE
I ASK, NAY I IMPLORE
POUR MORE

strained, tympanic
idling, to a panic
urged internally
yet stuck eternally
due date for a do date

your hands through my hair
your fingers upon my skin
your sweat down my back

your salty flesh on my *****-laden tongue
scent dancing the pulsing warmth
midst shoulder and jaw
hitch-ed exhales punctuate
my expeditious mouth
tongue dripped flesh on wave crested hips
delight delight
delight