I think of you when the stars strain against city lights
I think of you with my head cocked back and my drink half full
I'm thinking of you on the road in the spring
When the trees start to flower and my heart starts to beat
To tell me to the contrary that I'm alive today
Today when I think of you and what I didn't do

I think of you on summer nights when the sun's heat sits on earth like your touch on my chest
Burnt heat unceased sprinkled across my heart
I think of you when the foul weather turns me inward
Everything I've done wrong and what's going onward

You're all the mistakes I should never have made
You're the last thing to go when my memories fade

scotch and my self slouched on the couch
scotch and my self adrift in mental aether
islets of existence bubble on liquored eddies upward
as I meander through being

stay seated with me o' psyche of mine
stay sated with me ambition of mine
stay your acidic drivings esteem of mine
stay your laced dirge contempt of mine

and just be scotch and me
regally languid howsoever I sit
my seat is then throne for I upon
amber emperor embarking on omniscience

I cannot be you.
I cannot be you and I cannot see you.
and I cannot see you so I must not know you.
But I want.
So, I try.

I stretch strenuous style
I attempt, un-content, not this station, not yet.
I can idolize I can fraternize I can hypothesize, but I can't empathize.

And it makes me mad.
So I try to be you
And i make one million miles a try
Just to make one for my-
self to grow and understand
but to be rigid and to stand
up for myself and not be swept adrift
to vie fora power I surrender to
unsinkable I strive.
I cannot be you but I'll do my damnedest to try.

cursed sun
how dare you ruin my fun
now that winter is done
and spring has begun
i think i may be the only one
cursed sun

syncopate a sentence succinctly
take that thought and
slice and serrate across lines
synth steady and stolid syntax
stitch surrealism to sanity symphonically
scatter sadness, sow sunny spirit
slather language with excess
dole diction in dearth
depose dialectical dogma
dredge dreary dreams and not so drearies
foment formidably
froth and fracture finalities
syllogise spectacular speculation
simplify abtruse abnormalities
whet words wonderfully

the tiny infinities filling in the tiny spaces
where curves cavort and delight
and cavort and delight
lower dimensions folded and folded
probing and venturing the curves and the space
and elevate with repetition
the space filling curve
delight in the heightening
of the space filling curve
the delectable duplicated declensions
going downwards through the space and the curve
infinite unwinds and opens, relaxed
the space is filled, the curve, unpacked

i am waiting for someone to come get their clothes from the dryer
i am waiting for the laundry machine to open up
it cycles
    every
        thirty
            seconds
and then stops

a daybreak's worth of beeping chirps
i am waiting for someone to come get their clothes from the dryer

as my wet washed clothes begin to get drier
as my patience begins to dry up
i am waiting for the laundry machine to open up
it cycles
    every
         thirty
                 seconds
and then stops

i am at the intersection of eloquence and impotence
and i fell fractionally in love tonight
with a stranger that intimated me knowingly
and in little moments they gave me bits of soul
as i presented mine in coffee spooned drops
when a stare is a venture
when a stare is a hazard
when a stare is a question
and the candlelight flutters shadows as heartbeats
and my universe is disturbed

i am floating through surreal
a dreaming waking moment
and this tumult i feel
goes on without end

i am pinned by reality like an insect on a board
a specimen pierced through guns spilling outward
i am plagued by inaction, hesitation and lost
i know what i need to do, i know what i must

but i question i hem, i haw
im not sure how to go about this at all
i am impotent unable and too scared to fall
i am gasping with nerves rubbed raw

i must i must i must there is action to be done
this surreality i carry with me for now until the end
to forget this would be to lose myself
its a way i've grown that i never wanted to.

when every thing is beautiful and nothing is
when your mind is pregnant and your tongue is thick
when the water laps laughing
when the thoughts come through like fine threaded guilt aqua regia
when angst sparks his ire and fuels yours
when its only four hours until his flight
when dehydration is your only plight
when pride and wrath and gluttony
when eat, pray, love rear their ugly heads
when the hand of salvation wriggles against you like an eel
when the greed churns upon your skin
boils and bile upchucked within
it turns and turns your sin
within and reviles the ones you want to win
who can't explain the words within
it fires and fires your unholy sin
within within within
within
I

i am in madness truly i must bee
buzzing freely in my brain shape of woman
that you do be

i am in madness? if i am then am i?

be lieve and beelieve and believe
be live.

            thoughts scrambled my have you
run through my head pull out my hair

smile on my lips let me gaze on you fair
traipse in a dream traipse in my eye
i am madness let me live let me die let me vie let me and let me

take me
neuron by neuron
and rearrange me
every single nerve in some other place
a totality of discombobulation
render me such with a gaze
and let me babble my mind into the void
i am neurochemistry afire
i am alight
i am activated
and i am completely lost
bamboozled
delighted
by you

Some times it's time
to slow it all stop
to skip the caps lock
displace the top
and split scatter spread
disengage and dispense
Of Rigidity Of Terms and Terse Condition

break down and break down
     collapse and crumble
          splinter and scramble

Dust to dust over again
That's where it goes that's where it ends

He sits in his chair
Unentertained and lax
He sits in his chair in his sterile room
Read the writing on the wall and see it all soon

Time to go.

three planes meet
and the midafternoon light graduates
beige to shade to not quite black
softly syncopated
by the curtain on the window
and if it's inverted in the imagination
suddenly staring at the edge of infinity
straining outwards in every dimension
available to the naked eye

I don't remember the last time you said "I love you"
The last time those words left your lips
    singing softly to my ears I do I do I do
I do love you

I don't remember the last time you smiled for me
The last time your eyes crinkled gleefully
I don't remember the last things you said to me
That too has left me only memory of memory

I don't remember when I started
    to feel so barren
When that first empty settled where you were
Where I was okay when you left

This is the last, my last time I remember you

the heart is a mariner lost at sea
lost, forlorn looking for land for he
floats through currents eddies and flows
living and looking where the ocean goes

the heart bobs along with loves thirst to slake
search for the one hearts feelings will take
heart hopes and heart dreams
despite all that seems

being loved by a tiger
in so much of a way that sitting in the palm of their hand
or nestled in the crook of their neck
to know that no harm would come in those moments
to be nestled in the jaws of a beast
with such deep suredness that no bite would come
to be freely foolish and lovingly laughable
trusting so implicitly in that love like a universal

I am just a boy
desperate to be my best
trying trying to improve

I'm sorry that it took loss to galvanize me
I'm sorry that it had to hurt so
and I'm sorry that I had to rip you to shreds to make me whole

I'm sorry that it's your memory and not you that keeps me going
that I'm only who I am because of who I failed to be in the past

and I'm sorry that I'm not quite there yet.
That I stagnate in mediocrity
that I don't drive myself every day
that I'm always in some frame of a film on loop
of me stumbling and falling and getting up
running two steps
to fall again

I would say I am plagued by inadequacy if I wasn't already ****** to melodrama
and I would say I'm glad you're alright if I wasn't already ****** to inarticulacy
but all I can say is that I'm burning every bit of life I can to be the way I think I should be for you
and saying I'm sorry is part of that
but gritting adamance more so.

your memory is screaming at me today
so I'm putting bits and pieces of myself towards that light in the distance
if all I can be is more than I was yesterday that's enough

sprinting for coffee
because i'm late and i
don't want to lose the minutes i have
with you
so
im sprinting for coffee
sip slowly savoring stories you say
how are you and how was your day
because i don't usually have much free time
and when i do
i'm sprinting for coffee
with you

there is a skeleton of an idea
born from some barely formed imagination
abducted from its incubation
and slammed into the dirt
under layers and layers
it fossilizes
and bone becomes crystal
and silicates abound
and the impression is ripped from the ground
paraded amongst the public
strung up and put on show
but what has happened to the flesh and sinew?

i am unreasonable and afraid
unreasonable because i want someone to understand me
and i am so afraid of opening myself up to be understood
so i am unreasonable and afraid
and i give myself out in teeny tiny bits to people
in minuscule amounts just to feel an inkling of what i want to feel
like a weaning addict
on emotional connection
i sit behind my walls wailing
because i am unreasonable and afraid

my midnight dancer does gyre and gimble
stretch compress absent duress
twist and turn and turn and then again
midnight dancer through leaps and bounds
it's mesmerizing joy carefree set free
unbound midnight dancer goes forward
unbound midnight dancer ambles
limbs flung out then twisting in
alone midnight dancer alone tonight
alone midnight dancer takes flight

into dreams unabashed into fantasies shamelessly thought
a spin and a turn midnight dancer spectral ephemeral continuance

the woman on the floor
blood pooling like spilled wine
the boy clutching his shoulder
the miserables scampering for the door
the pragmatics losses left in their own fluids
my light is darkness in heart

oh, my blissful cloud
to obscure the sun for time
the moment is gone

It's too easy to be cruel
To break hearts with words
Render aspirations asunder

It's far too easy to be mean
To ridicule and insignify
Reduce to a modicum

It's even easier to not care
to stop and stare
To see and here yet move no where

Over come with apathy
Succumb to lethargy
It's very easy

Ive never had to deal with grief before
And now that I have to I don't know
I'm not ready, I don't doubt that anyone is, I'm not old enough, I don't doubt that anyone is
I don't expect it. I can't do that. So I'm dealing as best I can
And I'm screaming that I don't know how

A name in my thoughts
Reminds when I want forgot
I wish it were more

you are the one that I keep
to say the things I dare not speak
I dare not speak my fear of words so weighted
To place burden heavily on those who listen
those who listen as unwitting

and I'm scared and I fear the rejection of me
because what I am and what I aim are not the same
so I'm scared to say and what I do is
write. I write circular and call it stylistic
I write obfuscations and complications
verbal rotations, slanted off rhymes
phrases and incompletes
pieces and pieces of me
because a one line yes a one line plain
would mean I could no longer hide.

so here you are, the one I keep
to say the things I dare not speak

I want to disappear just to see if I am missed
I want to die to count the attendants at my funeral
How many social media posts will say they knew me
How many people will I have touched enough for them to be scarred
And this morbid curiosity consumes and terrifies me

detatch
and remove the
emotion and pathos
from the poem.
and put into logos everything
"the author wrote this because of that"
in simple cause and effect.
Detatch because apathy conveyed
comes clinical, clerical cold.
Passion conveyed comes
heated
detatch
prove the pragmatic practicals provide
as emotions can

every day is forever without you
slumber slowly slogging sleepily
my waking dream my vital lost
lowly lapping lazily, lover.

Always as I'm leaving I ask myself,
    "Must I really go?"
So now I am Orpheus rising through Hades
Tempting me back as I struggle against inversion
    Eurydice
Really though, it's not that dramatic
Despite my Greek lament I will
    Always
Make my way back to you

Whatever I do it isn't enough
It isn't enough to stop when tired
It isn't enough to stop when the task is done
It isn't enough, not hardly enough at all.

There is a need to ascend, and then
There is a need to go even further beyond

Because the stopping point for today isn't the peak
It's the first step of a taller mount
And whatever I do I can always do more

Because once it's enough and I stop I've failed
Because once it's enough and I finish I've lost
what could have been had I just moved forward
that one more step.

Whatever I do it's never enough.
It'll do me good to remember this

my jumbled bumbles stumble forwards
I fumble, crumble, mumble at a loss for words
help me, I can't even utter two words
you are the culmination I want to walk towards

twice - nice, thrice, and then four - more more more
life is a dice roll, adore, adore, adore

I am the clumsy inept writer
Stringing iamb into iamb hoping to find out what I am
monitor glow and a news feed to keep me out of focus
poor routines and bad basics to make me nervous

So I fumble, stumble, and crumble. Stop.
I mumble and bumble in jumbles. Steady.
Pick it up: one word, two words, three, then forwards

I have a window and you have one too
Mine is right here for you to see through
I have a window it tells you what I am
Mine I like because it shows what I can
be if I try, be if I'm great
What I can do if I'm not too afraid
to try and fail to try and not blush
do what I can and never in a rush

I have a window here it lets me see me
mine is the way by which I can be.

i want to watch the snow fall with you.
i want to hear the wind howl with you.
i want to hear my heartbeat with yours.

your dark hair on my pillowcase
it snarls me from my dream
i'm pulled awake by this dark strand
and all at once I am ******.

your dark hair on my pillowcase
spills and courses an ebony stream
my eyes drift to your softly sleeping face
and I pull you into my embrace

your dark hair tangles in my fingers
coils and grasps my memory
eyes, hands, lips
just beyond fingertips

your dark hair tangles in my fingers
our amor cloaked in an onyx curtain
I count the flutters of your eyelashes
and I kiss your neck so that I can inhale your pulse