Eyelid kisses
Buried intuition
Beneath warm fuzzy feelings
Fooled me for two years

In the rear view mirror
the Blue Ridge Mountains
blend in with the sky
sharp edges
hardly discernible
in the monochrome
along with a version of me
I unknowingly left behind

In the shadows of my mind
somewhere behind
useless facts and birth dates of
those no longer in my life
I hope to excavate
memories of childhood
distant comforts
like after-school walks 'round the block
cozy movie nights, three on the couch
follow-up recaps over lunch
whiffs of my mother's Indian cooking
met with scoffs
sounds of crickets at dusk
and more non-events that have led me
to these renewed moments of musing

Sick of defending my worth
while you're constantly complaining,
putting on a show.
Our castle is made of toothpicks, look closer
And I'm done rebuilding after each one of your blows.
We know we're not changing
so spare me the side hugs - let's cut our losses.
I'll lie here scattered amongst the others who fell short, content
as you revel in your face-value ties, buying friendships
emerald for emerald, eye for eye
seeing who you can impress next
til daddy's bank runs dry

A few hours of elation
followed by weeks of self-deprecation
Here I am
in trouble again

At least now the greens are gone
soon I’ll even be rid of the bottle
but letting go of our playful banter
is punishment I don’t want to handle

So go ahead and tax me
for pretending there ever was a “you and me”

I can't put my finger on this feeling
Is it mine alone
or is it a part of life
like the sun's extended escape?
Will it pass with the clouds
in a few days
or has the climate permanently changed?
And how do I accept the latter, learn
to revel in the freedom
embrace my body pillow, and rise
with a smile on my face
knowing that choices
are endless and all mine
without wondering about how
the grass may be greener in pairs?

The bamboo presses
against my sun-burnt back
but your lips serve well
to distract
as we tumble beneath
the coconut tree
that you say has killed three

And suddenly
The leaves are back on the trees
Reminding me that nature rebounds
Faster than I can heal

Washed up on the beach
barely breathing
she had travelled far
beyond the Andes
north of the equator
into cooler waters

At seven-feet-wide
it was hard to comprehend
how she'd gone so long unexposed
So they called her Hoodwinker
for often she deceived
those who tried
to get under her skin

Found too late,
and far from home
they assumed she took a wrong turn
"How lonely, strange"
they said
unaware that she just sought
her own path instead

Later they'd learn some things
from her sturdy skeleton
but they'd never know her side
of the life that she so staunchly chose

I thought that sleep would be the best way
to temporarily forget

until I heard your voice in my dreams
and woke up in a sweat

knowing that after tomorrow
I'd never hear it again

Cowering away
from the biting sun
the teddy bear sighs

Your fingers tangled in mine
our only compatible parts
magnetized
like tetrominoes
turned phantom limbs

Do you still think of me?
Or is my memory strewn haphazardly
across frost-bitten sidewalks
like once-beloved Christmas trees?
Formerly prized possessions
decaying near piles of garbage
having served their purpose
in due time
replaced by others, perky
and piercing green

I wave to the water
To the trees
Foregoing another year gone by
Seemingly stagnant, other than time
Freeing the should-haves and if-onlys
The defeat
I wave to the stones
To the leaves
Acknowledging uncertainties
Repainted as possibilities
Inviting warmth and will-bes
And relinquishing ennui

Every birthday
I would wish you'd get better
only to be sitting here today
in front of my black forest cake
knowing it was time
to wish for you to die

We sat mostly in silence
six-pack beside us
on that brittle October night
As the second hand slid further
past a day no longer
I tried my hardest
to keep my eyes from swelling
my limbs, trembling
watching the pristine skyline
flaunt its might
Amongst scattered words,
in hindsight, superfluous
turned out your presence was all I needed
to feel most un-alone

You may have lit the match
but I had already poured
gasoline all over the floor
Darling, we were only
meant to unite in smoke

Envelop me in your octopus arms
Tickle me with your tresses
And I'll worship you 'til my days are gone
And my sorrows undone

I've never believed in meant to be
just happenstance
that swallows me whole
and sharpens each blow
each time I'm let down
Today I wipe away another tear
and think to myself
how sweet it would be
to share a bed
with destiny

let's stay horizontal
entwined
feeding
off each other's sweat
and wholesome lies

Abandoned, forlorn
A single glove on the floor
Forever alone

Remember that swan trapped in the ice?
How we helped set her free?
Some day, I hope someone
does that
for me

I've been reckless
in the name of adventure
experience
presence

But suddenly
the 'why nots'
have costumed
as 'whys'
as I sit reflecting
afraid of my reflection
on memories
waiting to be dusted
learning, hoping  
to face the emotions