I was told to become
my own best friend
so I tried
I really tried
bundled up
and took myself out
coffee shops, jazz bars, long walks
sat for hours wrapped in thought
sometimes truly felt okay
but on down days
hugging myself just never felt
quite the same

Pinch me
Fold me
Make me scream
Use me
Choose me
Let me dream
Bite me
Fight me
Let me bleed
Cloak me with your cool breath
Tell me you want me
Make me plead
Hurt me
Hold me
Whatever you need
As long as it reminds me
What it's like to feel

Hope is two-faced
How she keeps us going
but also stuck
in the same place, all at once
waiting for something
that could be nothing
after all

The black leather chair
Got whiter by the day
Heavy with memories of you
Fading away

Arizona sunsets
all encompassing hugs
a stranger's compliment
a familiar, once-lost song
fleetingly transport
to a time before
before yearning, before loss
Moments that quench my thirst
and remind me
I'm right where I belong

If only they added up
and made up for
the seemingly missing -
a pair of lips pressed against mine
someone to share the mundane
For now I embrace this
Hopper-esque combination
of peace and melancholy
nostalgia and (be)longing
hoping these little joys
will be more than enough

She listens
but does she care
the woman who's always there
a peeping Tom, interrupting as she wishes
like your drunk aunt at Christmas
unaware and incoherent
doing her best nonetheless

You may have lit the match
but I had already poured
gasoline all over the floor
Darling, we were only
meant to unite in smoke

I've found there exists a fine line
between carefree and careless
and (un)lucky for me
even with thick lenses
I struggle to see it

I dream of the night
I can stare at the moon
and not be reminded of you

And until then
I hope the sun
swaddles me tight

Let's talk more about nothing
See where it takes us
From the bed to the couch to the floor
I'll explore your bumps and bruises
But won't dare hold your hand
Cover your body in kisses
And pretend I'll never care

In the shadows of my mind
somewhere behind
useless facts and birth dates of
those no longer in my life
I hope to excavate
memories of childhood
distant comforts
like after-school walks 'round the block
cozy movie nights, three on the couch
follow-up recaps over lunch
whiffs of my mother's Indian cooking
met with scoffs
sounds of crickets at dusk
and more non-events that have led me
to these renewed moments of musing

If the petals
can still cling
to their limbs amidst a storm
I suppose I can stand tall
upon a change in the winds

We sat mostly in silence
six-pack beside us
on that brittle October night
As the second hand slid further
past a day no longer
I tried my hardest
to keep my eyes from swelling
my limbs, trembling
watching the pristine skyline
flaunt its might
Amongst scattered words,
in hindsight, superfluous
turned out your presence was all I needed
to feel most un-alone

I can't let go
of the day when everything was tinted gold
and the sun felt a little warmer
those 18 hours
when I felt so wanted
reacquainted with hope
formerly buried beneath
layers of disappointment
Now I find myself
chasing that high over and over
and catching whiffs of sweet cherries
that kissed your neck
that one night together we spent

The radiator screams
intrudes a good night's sleep
and derails my dream
the only place these days
I feel peace

I’m left to stare at the ceiling
envying all the rest
my upstairs neighbors are getting
I wonder, what are they dreaming
as the heat ensconces me
and I turn to my side
waiting apprehensively
for the next shriek

I've never believed in meant to be
just happenstance
that swallows me whole
and sharpens each blow
each time I'm let down
Today I wipe away another tear
and think to myself
how sweet it would be
to share a bed
with destiny

You gave me all the affection
all the affirmations
made me feel secure, seen
sure
all the while
full of doubts that you stored
quietly under the rug
the one we bought together
for our new home
the one I threw out today
in hopes of learning how to unlove

Abandoned, forlorn
A single glove on the floor
Forever alone

I thought that sleep would be the best way
to temporarily forget

until I heard your voice in my dreams
and woke up in a sweat

knowing that after tomorrow
I'd never hear it again

Sick of defending my worth
while you're constantly complaining,
putting on a show.
We know we're not changing
so spare me the side hugs - let's cut our losses
Our castle is made of toothpicks, look closer
And I'm done rebuilding after each one of your blows
I'll lie here scattered amongst the others who fell short, content
as you revel in your face-value ties, buying friendships
emerald for emerald, eye for eye
seeing who you can impress next
til daddy's bank runs dry

It’s been four years
since we've talked
hugged
laughed
I think of you
now more than ever
and regret that I couldn't before
suppose it was just too hard
but with each passing year
its harder to distract myself, ignore
I wonder how different life would be
if you were still here
I wonder what will happen
in another four