When I had drank more shots than I had fingers I thought that the world was so simple,so capable of being figured out
I was riding a wave that rolled out of your alcohol ridden mouth in shades of blue-
Things like- I want to be a tree, I want to be every single thing that shakes so take me to the eye of the storm, where it begins but never ends,
Where the destruction outweighs the number of survivors; believe me when I say I deserve to be hurt
Of all the things that broke me I think you were my favorite
you say I love you and I hear you I hear you but I don't trust you and this is what breaks friendships and families and us
You ask me where I will live for the rest of my life
I could live in the light of LA I could live in the dark of Alaska I could live in my parents basement where there are closed blinds and carpets stained with mud you dragged in that I've never had the nerve to clean off
This is a drugged up prayer
This is my plea to the sun
Come back when it's warmer because I cannot stop once I've begun
And all these words are coming from the safe in my mind that have been unlocked by soft hands and warm eyes
I am not looking while I type this I am thinking of your knees and elbows and how they were always scarred
The first time I met you I swore to god I'd make you sigh now that's all I do
I joke about you leaving bruises on me then cry about it afterwards
I'm not sure what I want and I need to stop doing things that leave me weak keeled over and crying
I wrote that I was a wave, swallowing myself as a whole
Swallowing myself until this water is holy
My throat will never be dry
I'm not sure what this is
This is a preachers apology

This sounds more like an interview
and it would be quicker for me to tell you what I don't believe in
What you've robbed me of
Why did you only tell me everything that didn't sound like a warning label?
Why didn't the poison you were hiding underneath your tongue never sting my lips?
Habits and contradictions only appear at night
And the ocean in all it's royalty will turn it's back on you
It's not ready to touch you
It will return with time
Have you noticed what I've done
There's a difference between staring at the moon and letting it crawl out of your intestines
I've never seen the sun in your eyes

Blush when I compliment how well your fingers fit between mine
I'm allowing my shadow to write this for me
She sorts through all the dead skin that covers my heart,
She wants to turn all the white into a galaxy of things you don't understand yet
It will obtain a mixture of sermons that don't mix well with wine or metal
But it always matches with skin
I wonder if you always wore white because nothing shows of blood stains better
maybe it'll bring out the green in your eyes
And how whenever I glanced at you I felt a nostalgic recollection of unhappy family Christmas gatherings
I hope that when you discover the effect you're having on me you take advantage of it
And realize you are blooming
Not as a grocery-bought plant but as a red flower in a field of yellow dandelions
I'm here to tell you my declarations are white and hot but I dressed them in black for you to see more clearly.
I miss the ocean and how the current always ran against me
I'm slowly beginning to like my shadow
I'm slowly starting to understand the color of the blind
I want the waves to tug at my ankles once more in a plea to come closer
like the way I would tug at your arm when I wanted to go home
I want your saltwater to fill my cuts because you've made me clean since I met you
I know you sting scars and scabs because you want me to be pure
and I am eager to be held underwater
My heart that stumbles across my chest like a drunken man making his way from a local bar to his home,
Look at how you've made it tough
Look how it heals on its own now
I have always had a love like a dimly lit room
And you are always carrying the candle

How many nostalgic nights will I have to spend on a warped floor to realize you are to hollow to be filled
you make negligence feel like an oak door and my hands have become splinters
if you scream your apologies into satin finish long enough the creaks and groans of the door begin to sound like "sorry"
I hope you don't use coasters on your coffee table; the imprints your mug leave can translate to the ones you left on me

Amber waves crashing on porcelain skin, If I told you about his eyes you'd whimper, The curve of his lips over his teeth could ****** your breath like milk money, you'd think your lungs had been mugged in an alley if you caught him smiling at you like he does at me. His collarbones create craters in his chest where if water would get caught there, it would turn to wine. I know because I get drunk by just glancing. His body is a beautiful remaining of a natural disaster and my hands become earthquakes when I think about touching the back of his neck or the palm of his hand. One day I am going to kiss every inch of him that has been exposed to the world and every inch that has not.

The only memories I can recollect seem to be the most painful ones
It's difficult to keep the thought of you in a cage I hand built and lock it with a rusty key that's sharp edges dance on my fingertips until they draw blood
Hospital rooms are as familiar as the outline of your lips
Sometimes I wear your shirt to bed but my tears have long washed away the smell of your skin
I don't know what to do without your hand intertwined with mine so I keep it balled into a fist instead
I'm sorry I couldn't fill you when I am empty myself

Don't ask me about faith or love or doing what's right because when I was 13 years old the trees told me
that no matter how stable your foundation is it will break someday.
To this day I tend to stay away from strong, tall trees and instead find shade under shaky, frail ones cowering on the side of the forest. I'm sorry for not loving you in a more prideful way. I don't have enough time to write out all of my regrets so instead I will love you with a quivering touch and an apologetic stomach.
My fear?
ASK ME ABOUT MY FEAR.
I KNOW OF ALL KINDS
THE TRIVIAL, THE NERVOUS AND THE INNOCENT
I KNOW OF THE SMALL FIRE BUILT INDIDE YOUR CHEST THAT IS STOKED NOT BY A GUST OF WIND BUT MY THE SOUND OF A FRIENDLY BOYS VOICE
ASK ME ABOUT MY FEAR AND I WILL GUIDE YOU TO AN OVERGROWN FIELD WHERE THE THIN GRASS IS A TAUNTING DEPICTION OF WHAT I WANT TO BE
LOOK AT THE INDENTS IN THE DIRT MADE FROM MY KNEES
LOOK AT THE LEAVES LYING ON THEIR BACKS AND I WILL SHOW YOU HOW TO REPENT LIKE THE WOOD THAT BEGS FOR MERCY IN A BURNING BUILDING
I WILL SHOW YOU ******* OFF WHATEVER STRENGTH YOU HAVE LEFT AND HOW TO BREATHE AS IF IT IS AN ACCIDENT
I WILL SHOW YOU HOW TO BE LOVED AS IF YOU ARE THE ONLY SURVIVOR OF A PLANE CRASH AND LEAVE YOU WONDERING HOW IT COULD HAVE TURNED OUT DIFFERENTLY. I WILL SHOW YOU HOW TO FIND SOMETHING YOU NEVER THOUGHT YOU LOST.
I will show you how your feet scream when they enter a hospital and how they sing when they walk out.
Here is my testament , here is what dropped out of the sky when I reached up with empty hands and bleeding courage
I threw my ears on a broken star with a strong arm and a weak heart just to listen to the commentary of whatever god everyone claims to exist
I will tell you about the day heaven seems to be soundproof
What could a 15 year old know about faith
What could I know about demons and angels and how they excite and disappoint you
How could I know about how a newborn baby disguised in a blanket clutching it's mothers arm, in what seems small forever
What could I know about 8 empty bottles of cheap wine and a child with too many bruises and a hole in his pocket that won't let him hold all that he wants to keep
This is not how you love someone, this is how you miss them
And how instead of listening to your head and heart you listen to his
This is how you run faster than the rivers to be held in his arms
This is a reminder that when they ask for nothing they become everything
This is how you start beginning,
And how to prepare to come to an end.