You might think this is about you,
but I promise it's not.

My heart goes crazy,
explodes with a million butterflies
that carry me away
with those stupid phrases
said oh so often
but always feel oh so special.

You might think this is about you,
but I promise it's not.

Sunset paradise
that gleams in those eyes
and takes me on
the most lavish of vacations
in a single blink.

You might think this is about you,
but I promise it's not.

Skin-soft brush
against me
shoots electric through my fingertips
and jolts my heart,
leaving me dizzy,
wanting more.

You might think this is about you,
but I promise it's not.

Long afternoons spent
in conversation quicksand
"the less you struggle, the less you'll sink"
but no matter how still I stand,
I fall deeper,
understanding and accepting
that there is no escape from this.

You might think this is about you,

but I wish it wasn't.

your kiss is killing
and im left to die
with venom in my veins
and poison in my heart

A name I will never forget,
Boring into my skull like a drill.
Her face,
Her laugh,
Her talents,
Made me love her.

But all I got back was
Mindgames,
Abuse,
And contempt
For all of my love and devotion.

I'd love so much to hate her,
To hang her picture high
And toss her knives and darts
For abandoning all her friends
And the people who loved her like me.

But I can't will myself to do it.
So she will live on forever
In my tortured head.

*******. *******. *******. *******. *******. *******. *******. *******. *******. *******. *******. *******. *******. *******. *******. *******. *******. *******. *******. *******. *******. *******. *******. *******. *******. *******. *******. *******. *******. *******. *******. *******. *******. *******. *******. *******. *******. *******. *******. *******. *******. *******. *******. *******. *******. *******. *******. *******. *******. *******. *******. *******. *******. *******. *******. *******. *******. *******. *******. *******. *******. *******. *******. *******. *******. *******. *******. *******. *******. *******. *******. *******. *******. *******. *******. *******. *******. *******. *******. *******. *******. *******. *******. *******. *******. *******. *******. *******. *******. *******. *******. **** ME. *******. *******. *******. *******. *******. *******. *******. *******. *******. *******. *******. *******. *******. *******. *******. *******. *******. *******. *******. *******. *******. *******. *******. *******. *******. *******. *******. *******. *******. *******. *******. *******. *******. *******. *******. *******. *******. *******. *******. *******. *******. *******. *******. *******. *******. *******. *******. *******. *******. *******. *******. *******. *******. *******. *******. *******. *******. *******.*******. *******.

This is my confession
I never wanted to wrestle with depression
Let it ruin everything I stand for
Some days are easy
Filled with the false hope that I see you one day
Talk one time just a quick smile
My dreams turn to nightmares because darkness creeps in my head
I cry for you, but no one makes me more proud then you
It's a bittersweet taste
washed down with the taste of drink and smoke
This isn't the person you cared for
I am a shell, missing something
I am insecure with my head, because it's been messed with
This is just for you
Just know
I still need you, I'm sorry.

I remember the first time I did it.
I felt so alive, I felt so free,
Then out of the blue addiction took it's hold.
How did it happen that quickly?
I'm not sure I even know.
Before I even turned around
I'd hit rock bottom, I felt so alone.
The bullying was relentless,
physically, verbally and emotionally.
The same old story day after day.
I felt my confidence and my strength slipping away.
There was no hope, no fight,
Nothing left in me to give,
I was cold. I was numb.
Then it all changed. I started to self harm.
At first a scratch would do,
Then it wasn't enough,
It escalated from there.
Soon it wasn't just my arms,
It was anywhere I thought no-one would see.
I felt like I was in control again,
I told myself "If I can do this I can handle any pain".
My box of blades became my best friend.
The bandages hid my secrets well.
Excuse after excuse came easily,
The scars appeared where the cuts had been
No-one knew how loud I wanted to scream.
They couldn't see the hurt inside
They didn't know my soul had died
I still remember the day they were told.
I was only 14 years old.
For 2 years I'd hidden it well.
I stopped for a while,
A few weeks at least.
The bullies didn't stop
If anything it was worse
I tried to take control again,
I believed I could do it
Without causing anyone any pain.
"If I'm better at hiding it no-one will know"
But as it got worse the scars began to show.
For a time it got really bad
It was two or three times a day.
Anytime I was alone,
Whatever I had close by.
I didn't care if I lived or died.
I wasn't trying to end my life
I was simply trying to feel alive.
As the pain inside got worse
So did my addiction.
The more people hurt me
The more I'd hurt myself.
It was that way until a year ago today.
I was inspired by someone who means a lot to me.
They sent me a message that said they believe in me.
Something inside me switched that day.
I felt worthy of love, acceptance and kindness.
I felt valued and worth something in the world.
Looking back I suddenly believed it wasn't my fault,
I didn't deserve this punishment or the hurt inside.
I needed to let go of it all and let myself live my life.
That's what I've spent the past year doing,
Sometimes I am amazed I made it at all.
However I did make it,
And to anyone out there struggling
You will make it too because,
Just like someone believed in me,
I believe in you.

“there,
she lays still.
just as the sun sets and rises,
so does she;

her mind whispers “intertwined”
her emotions;
perplexed

she breathes.
with those big dreams,
she wonders and wanders.
shortsighted and obscured,
muddled thoughts.
selfish,
she was selfish.”