I got black out drunk at a party and woke up in a room with my pants off and my ex-boyfriend's friend standing over me. I deny ever having recollection of that night to everyone who has confronted me about it. Even to my ex-boyfriend.
I steal pills from my mother who actually needs them. These pills were usually sleeping pills or Xanax. I would take large amounts of them and even chase them with alcohol in hopes of numbing all feelings from my body and hoping I never wake up.
I lie so much to strangers, friends, and family, that my I have convinced myself that my lies are the truth and that these lies will make me a better person in their eyes. In reality, I have no one but myself. And I hate myself.
I stalk my ex-boyfriend on a daily basis. I check his Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter religiously. I also drive 30 minutes to his house just to drive by it and see if his car is parked on the drive way.
I promised my mother that I would never commit suicide. I think about killing myself on a daily basis and secretly hope that someone will just do it for me so I can keep that promise to her.
It takes me an hour to put on makeup because I find myself so repulsive to look at in the mirror that I have to take breaks so I don’t have an anxiety attack and start crying uncontrollably. However, I never leave my room without pounds of make up on my face.
I am failing pretty much all of my college classes and when my father asks me how my grades are, I lie and say that they are fine. He thinks that I am actually trying in the classes, when in reality, I am just trying to survive.
Sometimes I wake up in the morning and feel like I can take on the world. I can go the whole day and convince myself that I am as happy as the people around me. But then I go home to my room at night and fall into a deep depression where I feel like my heart is decaying inside of my chest. I then proceed to hit myself or scratch myself until the pain stops. It does not stop.
I leave my room for long periods of time so my roommate thinks I actually have a life and friends. But I really just take my sisters car and drive it to a mountain and sit there and cry.
One day a random boy who followed me on Instagram and then messaged me on Facebook and we started talking. I did not know him and he lived 45 minutes from me. One day I drove on the highway for my first time ever and went to his house to meet him. We had *** the same day. This continued for about 9 months. I came up with so many excuses of why I was not home so I could see him. We then became boyfriend and girlfriend. I fell in love with this boy. But no one knew about him except a couple of my close friends and sister. We were together for a year and a half. He left me. But I have to hide the fact that I’m broken from my parents because if they know why, I will lose all of their trust since I lied to them and kept him from them for so long. I wish he met them. He was the one secret I never should have kept.