Today I had a one to one with my college tutor to review my first week as a second year:

"How are you today, Lewis?"
"Great thank you"
I feel like crap
"Have you been coping this week?"
"Definitely"
No. I just want to cry all the time.
"Do you feel ready for the year ahead? It will be tense"
"Yes, definitely. I feel determined to get it right this year"
I don't even know if I'll make it to the end of this year.
"Is there anything else you need or want to talk about?"
"No I think I'm all good. Thank you"
**Yes, there is so much and I don't even know what to do. You won't understand though, nobody ever does.

It's hard to stay on top of the chaos,
To walk into college,
Smile at friends,
Laugh,
Go to work,
Smile again,
Laugh some more,
Go home,
Smile yet again,
Make conversation,
Say how good your day was,
Go to your room,
Cry,
Write,
Struggle to breathe because you're panicking
About how you might not be able to do it tomorrow,
Or the day after,
Or the day after that.
I could walk into college and say I'm leaving,
Walk into work and say I quit,
Go home and pack my bags and sneak out the back gate,
Disappear into the night,
So I can finally discard the mask,
Relax my face so my tear ducts open up,
Let the muscles uncoil in my legs
So I can just collapse onto the floor
And forget why I ever bothered pretending.

Anyway, I better stop writing.
I have to do it all again tomorrow.