You told me to touch you.

So I did.

It was warm and it felt weird in my tiny hands.
But you told me it was okay.

You said to rub it.

So I did.

You moaned like I hadn't heard before.
You let it all out.

Then you asked me to put my mouth on it.

So I did.

You said it was like a lollipop.
It was the worst lollipop I'd ever had.

It took me 7 years to tell someone.

It took me 2 more years to write this.

But in that time, other boys told me to do it to them too.

So I did.

But I am consciously making a decision that next time,
**I won't.

I once read a poem about change.
How we have the ability to change anytime.
How we're the only ones in our way.

But on my path to change, I discovered that I wasn't the only thing in my way.
I discovered that old habits die hard.
I discovered that your old friends won't always take kindly to new friends.
That your best friend can become your worst enemy.

And those things will stop you from changing.

Being afraid of losing the people you know best.
Being afraid of letting new people know the most intimate parts of you.

And while that may seem like you stopping yourself, it isn't.

It's a whole other cavity.
It's fear.
And fear isn't something we can control.
It is however something we can eventually overcome.

You have to overcome all that fear or else your change will just turn into an even worse version of you.

sometimes the people we love do things that hurt us.

it's not always intentional,

it's usually a giant mistake.

we don't always realize that the person did it because they care.

because we scared them.

because they want to make sure that we're okay.

and they don't know how to solve it themselves so they have to ask for help.

and even though he may have upset you,

**he was trying to do the right thing

why do we play along in the demise of others? is it because we think we're helping the people we love? or do we have ulterior motives? because I think that the latter is the answer more often than not. and whether we allow ourselves to believe it or not, those ulterior motives control us more than we can ever imagine.