It sits nestled between two tiny towns in a tiny county in West Virginia, a strong walk up Stranger's Pass. . There tucked away stands a field, a fine one. Only a few dozen acres, you could see clear across to the tree line on to the other side. But nothing about it felt tiny.

And at the east end a powerful old oak, its leaves still making up their mind as to what color they want to be for Fall. It lived its life in a spot unmoved from seed to giant. Now it stood proud, guarding its beloved slice of heaven. Purples and blues of lavender peppered throughout catch my eye, but their sent holds me long after my gaze lets go.  Butterfly bushes with their stained glass painted namesakes floating just above line a lightly over grown path that hasn't seen a sole in years. How did I miss this?

A rose bush had bloomed. "Miraculous' I think, more miraculous having no one to tend and care for it, nurture it into the beautiful growth of red petals now before me. My mind flashes back, remembering my grandmother's  greenhouse, and how lovingly she cared for her roses. The hours we would pass quietly there.  She'd ***** her finger accidentally and smile at me, and I knew that's what made the roses red. But this bush here rivaled hers, and strong it grew on its own. I wondered.

The sun was high in the sky when I stepped through those low hanging branches at the end of Stranger's Pass. It's still glowing  in the same spot it hung the first time I was here. I walk the shadow line the sun creates through the field as it slowly works its way along its daily arch. It feels nice to stand tall here, to walk. To take my time.

My mouth hangs open, I don't realize it. My eyes are wide even with the warm bright sun shining on my face. My back straighter than it has been in decades. I have never known the beauty of a place like Lovers Field that drew my body into such an open state of Awe, separate from my mind.  It's as though it knows my simple mind too well, and is going to make sure I don't miss what I now see growing all around me. It won't let that happen again.


I once thought I would die in Lovers Field. A long time ago. Thinking about it now, I don't think it would have been that bad. If my heart stopped now, I couldn't be happier than to become part of eternity in a sea of green and gold and life. Back then I fought on. Angry and young.  Never once letting the smells and sounds capture me, never once  letting the colors take hold of my wrist and guide me home where I belonged. My color palate was Red. A soldier.

We all were. Soldiers. The men (who were barely that) on my right and left left their fathers and mothers and school crushes behind, left their homes as boys. And the boys across the field the same, their eyes flashing red with anger and white with fear.

It's a quick walk to the old oak tree. I take it slowly. My shadow shows long in front of me, the old oak's cast heavy at its back. It's bigger than I remembered. "It's grown," escapes a whisper from my lips. And that makes me smile. At the same moment a sadness fills my chest.   I run my calloused fingers along its wide set trunk, catching my ring finger in a bullet hole. I hold it there maybe a moment too long. It was a wound from another day, deep. So deep I could near put my second knuckle to it. Almost feel the shattered metal ball left behind. The chill running through my spine could be alive. "You saved my life once, remember?" That day. I didn't stand tall. My mouth was shut tight and my eyes were pined closed, a boy, a child, hidden behind this old guard.

When I unpinned my eyes...finally, I found not one hole in my flesh. Just the raised and red imprint of bark in my back where I pressed to her with all the force of my cowardly lion legs. I cried.

I trace my hand around her body, until I'm back where I began. Those same legs, sore and weak from the walk finally give out. Again I found myself in the arms of my old friend, this time not hidden by her shadow, but still being warmed by the sun.  It was nice to close my eyes next to her not in fear, but in peace.  I opened my eyes one last time to look upon the flowers and life of Lovers Field. "You never changed."  Breathtaking from the moment my Sergeant ordered me up an unknown path until this day. It has always been this beautiful.  How did I miss this?

Hidden holes and trip wires, mines and ambushes.  What are those new ones called? "I.E.D.'s"? They're just tools of war.  Symptoms of underlying disease. I marched into my own trap. How hate and anger and fear can hide such simple and perfect beauty; that is Life's cruelest and most devastating trap.

I take off my shoes and socks with heavy breaths and clumsy bent fingers and let the dirt and grass feel me for the first time. I don't want to fight anymore. "I'm tired of fighting!" I don't know if she hears me but I imagine she does. The sun line is fading over the tree tops, and a blanket of firefly stars tuck me in. I hear a wolf howl, but feel no fear, no sadness. Nothing but the cool earth of Lovers under my feet. I lean against her, close my eyes, and welcome the night.

How sad it is and how how veiled are we. How ashamed we should be. Staring into the mirror we tell ourselves of the imperfections we see. We cry out "UGLY". Pound our fists and beat our chests.

We mustn’t be fooled anymore, I plea, be incredulous of the Magician, for you know in the end there is no truth to his magic,  only a master of slight of hand. He is nothing but an illusionist,  and a charlatan if he claims to be anything more. We are being fooled in that polished sand. Every imperfection you see, darling, you're being fooled.

Imperfections  are the first illusions of human nature, older than the oldest profession. I cry in sorrow at how carelessly we  forget, so much and so often.   We tell each other that love is the scarlet  fog that blinds us from the “truth” of  imperfection.  We show pity for the fool in love, we laugh and judge, for he wears rose colored glasses. Oh what fools are WE!  To think love, LOVE, as the fog that blinds us from seeing another truly. From seeing ourselves in our perfect beauty.    

You forget so readily that the only truth is perfection.  Insecurity is the mist, shame and fear the haze and fog that blind the world. And Hate, hate is the great illusionist. Hate of others, and hate in your self.  The only truth in your reflection is perfection.  Love is that veil lifted, we wear glasses for what else but to see clearly when we are blind.  

Now speak these words aloud, repeat them and believe them. Let them burn in your brain for there are no other truths besides this. You are perfect, you are beautiful, desirable, you are worthy of all the love and joy that this dark world still possesses.  Don't let that fog of sadness, and of the scared blind masses keep you from seeing how beautiful you are.  Love yourself, smile into the mirror in the morning at the perfection that you see.  I love you. And if your vision is blurred, take my glasses

A doctor once told me
That all medicine is poison.
And all poison medicine.
The only thing we change
The only difference
Is the dose.

And I feared I've poisoned you my love
For two years now I've poisoned you.
I am poison

So I lessen the dose.
Each day, because I love you.
Maybe like so many men in white coats
I'll stumble upon the perfect dose of me
That will stop the pain that my poison has caused.
My anger and jealousy
My ignorance and shame
And thoughtless mind.
Can you take me twice a day?
Maybe that's too much.
Once a day? and I'll call you in the morning?

And I've feared most that the dose of me for you
That magic amount that will turn me from poison to medicine
Is zero.
And so less and less I've given you
And still I see your eyes fading.

But how can you inject your love so directly into my veins
And still be my medicine. How is your love the one thing
That in such high doses still
Cures my ills, heals my broken mind and heart.

Your love is pure medicine.
Your love.

I've been doing it all wrong.
Starving the fever Instead of feeding the cold
You're not gone, nor am I.
I'll never go, I'll be by your side
If only you'll still let me
I'll kiss every bruised inch of your body
Until your beautiful skin glows again
Sleep, rest, heal with me
I won't let you go until your heart is filled

Love is never poison
It's a fool who prescribes too small a dose to cure.

That smile you smiled, that laugh you laughed
I knew it so well but what did I know.  All I know
Is I know nothing and you know me.  Show me
You show me. Give me your hand.  Will it burn?

With passion and shame and hope and hurt we are,
I am, you are.  The best, I am not, the best, you are.  I
Want you to have the best, I want to be. The Best.
Your amber eyes bless my dreams
I'm a green eyed monster, envy, jealous, love and pain.
A ghost in your nightmares

Love's seeds sewn in a desert heart bloom too late
Too late?  Broken through the soil they shoot towards the sun
So fast, so fast.
Reaching for you with each petal to yours, a work of art.
Choking you with my roots, as a ****.

That smile you smiled, that laugh you laughed
Oh God don't stop, not now.  Let my dead body
Nourish the roots, stem and leaf with my flesh
Let me become you. And I will die for you.
Like I let you die for me.  Take what you gave me
Grow.  No weeds to choke and bring you lower
Your every day take me and grow

And because love battles
not only in its burning agricultures
but also in the mouth of men and women,
I will finish off by taking the path away
to those who between my chest and your fragrance
want to interpose their obscure plant.

About me, nothing worse
they will tell you, my love,
than what I told you.

I lived in the prairies
before I got to know you
and I did not wait love but I was
laying in wait for and I jumped on the rose.

What more can they tell you?
I am neither good nor bad but a man,
and they will then associate the danger
of my life, which you know
and which with your passion you shared.

And good, this danger
is danger of love, of complete love
for all life,
for all lives,
and if this love brings us
the death and the prisons,
I am sure that your big eyes,
as when I kiss them,
will then close with pride,
into double pride, love,
with your pride and my pride.

But to my ears they will come before
to wear down the tour
of the sweet and hard love which binds us,
and they will say: “The one
you love,
is not a woman for you,
Why do you love her? I think
you could find one more beautiful,
more serious, more deep,
more other, you understand me, look how she’s light,
and what a head she has,
and look at how she dresses,
and etcetera and etcetera”.

And I in these lines say:
Like this I want you, love,
love, Like this I love you,
as you dress
and how your hair lifts up
and how your mouth smiles,
light as the water
of the spring upon the pure stones,
Like this I love you, beloved.

To bread I do not ask to teach me
but only not to lack during every day of life.
I don’t know anything about light, from where
it comes nor where it goes,
I only want the light to light up,
I do not ask to the night
explanations,
I wait for it and it envelops me,
And so you, bread and light
And shadow are.

You came to my life
with what you were bringing,
made
of light and bread and shadow I expected you,
and Like this I need you,
Like this I love you,
and to those who want to hear tomorrow
that which I will not tell them, let them read it here,
and let them back off today because it is early
for these arguments.

Tomorrow we will only give them
a leaf of the tree of our love, a leaf
which will fall on the earth
like if it had been made by our lips
like a kiss which falls
from our invincible heights
to show the fire and the tenderness
of a true love.

I'm always playing catch up
I fly behind the 8 ball
A step behind
Or two
Or three
For thought escapes me
When I close my eyes
And imagine a next step
Or two
Or three
And for this lack
I spend my days fixing
And rebuilding
Rather than growing
Moving ahead
I just live in the present
And I'm falling behind

The evening's coming.

I stare at that green bubble.
Your words always came so easily. So quickly.
It was as though each letter chose the path of least resistance from your heart and your fingertips
And never had time to waste getting ******* in your brain

My thumb hasn't moved. Tell her. TELL HER. You're going to regret it.

Tell her about how you kiss her photo when her lips are miles away hoping she'll feel it if you close your eyes real hard.

Tell her about how you see girls in the public gardens and imagine how happy she must look in her sundress, surrounded by the flowers she raised from seeds, how proud. How she must shine

Tell her how badly you want to kiss away her tears, how you would never let another evil thing hurt her if only she was here.

Tell her it's going to be okay. Tell her

I've never felt so much so quickly yet so at pace as it's taken its time.
Yet when we speak I feel every emotion I've ever had for you all at once, like a firework show of the heart In a conversation
That lasts not even a half hour.

Your tears well up as the memories do the same
And dry as quick as crazy glue
Stuck somewhere in the back of your mind, kept for the time when your thoughts
Wander to happy, for when you're happy you envelope happiness in the world like you are
The blanket, the protector from the things in the Dark. Nothing can hurt you under the blanket
Though you cannot climb underneath yourself and feel safe.
Crawl under me now and feel love won't you please, without the threat of darkness.
And love so big, love so large you also fall. There is no guilt in feeling loved, no shame in being happy.  

Memories will come loosened from your past, float in, projected like a movie in a private cinema. Stand up, walk out. No, the past is not the future if you choose it not to be. I see one so small, so strong, so weak, so hurt, so brilliant, so loving, so meek, so much better than those who chop at your feet. STAND UP, walk out.  You've walked too long for the love that you seek.  You are worthy. You are worthy. You are worthy of love. I will say it till you hate me as so often I have. You are worthy of love, to be happy and free...Just as you are.  You are worth it to me.

Cheese and cheesy and pink
And Blue
And red in flowers.
Bracelets and watches and gifts from the heart
The sound of a typewriter, the feel of the keys.
Smelling coffee before her eyes are even open.

Goofy and loud and funny
And serious, when serious lets down it's guard.
Direct questions
Direct answers


Castle towers and castle dungeons
And red on me.
Prince Charmings and handsome faces
Beards and blankets
Three piece suits and straightened ties
Passionate eyes

The sound of rain when she's falling asleep
The sound of her love in her ear
The smell of old books and the smell of a man's cologne on her shirts
And choirs with so much soul that she can't NOT dance

Being heard,
Being held
Being right
She usually is

If you never met me
How good it would be
How much more you would have
How much less you would need
If you never met me

If you never met me
Would you actually see
The true beauty reflected
And not pinch closed your eyes
Would you see what I see?

I have ruined you so
When I think of it all
And we fall every Winter
We fall every Fall
I fail, I **** up
You cry and I call

And I love you I love you
But I act like a child
I haven't seen your dimples in such a long while
If you never met me
How much more would you smile

It runs through my mind
And it burns down my neck
I'm a failure a fool
I'm a walking car wreck
You lost oh so much on that day that we met
That day that I'll always and never regret.
That day I met love I will never forget.

Surrounded I let them in
I've danced and jestered
And smiled and waved
And showed them what they wanted to see
I tricked them into liking me

1,000 2,000 3,000...

Just smile and nod
And you'll be fine.
And the song I sang
when I got home
"Nobody wants to be alone."

Except for me.

Coffee and a
Long sleeve T
3000 perfect miles away
A hammock and a view by the bay

10,000, 2,000, 1,000...

I want to be alone for once
They were never there
Nothing was true
I want to be alone for once

...1

I want to be alone with you.

I feel like you've held me for two hundred years
In Parisian gardens I gave the alarm to
the gentleman at your back
Hungrily at want for your touch.
I stayed in your hands at arms length.

I was there  the Tsar's palace, I kept you company
As the ball carried on, a dance you knew well.
Reflecting the curve of your smile
Reassuring you of your beauty with each lull in the waltz.
You brought me closer to your lips.

And hung in your townhouse to keep you company
As guard I stood watch
Shining the light on the  love of my life
As you sipped your morning coffee by the window
And listened and sighed
To the jazz of the cars in Time Square.  

To day once again in the Country I'm here
A mirror you found at an old rummage sale
Beautifully patina-ed, tarnished though worn,
I'm worn.  Lacking luster and shine
What use has one with a mirror like that anymore.

But you are light and lovely
You found me again in a place in your heart
Care at a cost, hours lost at polish.
And try as I might I needed your touch to make me shine again.

This morning I saw you in me
Not the woman I knew, arms sore from scouring my face
Brow heavy in your labor of love, but still the curve of that smile.
I beg you please open then curtains and let in the light!
Lay down your weary soul and rest.  I am done, I am here!
I've taken your radiance, Love made me anew.
It's time that you see them reflected in you.

When rain on your windshield is falling in sheets,
And you're dreaming of yours back home
Know I'm right by your side in this car warm and dry.
To help keep your wet eyes to the road.

Yes the sun can be bright and may blind you.
Baby don't drop your eyes, oh no
Lift up your chin high, put your shades on and smile,
And keep your warm eyes on the road.

And the monsters are ghosts now, but if you hear their song
Sing your own "I am worth more than gold".
Remember those ghosts in the rear view are gone,
Always keep your bright eyes on the road.

It's that mirror we came from, that's where we've been.
And you've seen all my darkness, been burned in my sin.
Somehow grew an angel, born within Satan's den.
She is innocence, beauty, and one devilish grin.
And though tires wear thin, our wheels always will spin.
So drive darling drive, though you'll struggle, they'll spin
Decide to be happy, let it grow from within.
It's your choice, no one else, when your life will begin.

It's been twenty minutes.
And I'm still staring at the last words you sent me
Floating in that little green bubble.

My thumb is broken again

It's been hovering over the "H" but I can't seem to get it to go.
You've done this before! Come on, man. Just say it

"Hey there :)"   No.
"Hallooo" NO.
"Hola senorita...." What? No
"Hi, so I haven't been able to stop thinking about you and I love your smile and miss seeing it and since you've been gone all I can do to fall asleep is keep a glass next to my bed, and a bottle and
I know you hate when I drink, I know but it's the only thing that makes my mind float the way you used to before I closed my eyes and it's the only thing that stops me from waking up hoping to hear you breathing and even the pounding in my temples the next morning reminds me of you shaking me straight and saying I told you so and so I cherish it. Okay?  Anyway...ummm...yeah I hope you're doing okay. Are you?...."

No.

I wonder what she's doing. I don't think I'll ever know. My thumb is broken again.

When she's happy she's still sad
Cracks a smile and she laughs
Wears a mask that she can't stand at all

You are love and I will love you  
As good as I know Love,
As hard as I know Love,
As long as I know Love,

She dances wild like she's mad
Absorbs music with through her skin
Wears headphones like a shield that won't let her hurt again

I 'm not perfect but I will love you
As strong as you are Love
As good as you are Love
As much as you are Love

Though I'm not worthy of her hand
She lives for me, but not for her
I will hold it till she sees the beauty in that polished sand

I know we've fallen, but I will stand if you do
As tall as you can Love
As long as you can Love
I know that you can Love

When darkness falls I will still love you
And know the sun someday will find you
And so will I Love, and so will I Love

It's been an hour.

My thumb is still taunting me over that ******* "H".

My thumb's been broken before. "Hey, what's going on?" It took me a half hour of staring and second guessing before my thumb found and pressed send. Your thumbs were more agile than mine.
How many times since have my fingertips found those keys so easily with you since then.

It's an odd malady, to have once been able to glide across the keyboard, my thumb knew stories. My thumb knew jokes.  

All it seems to know anymore is one worthless phrase.  I've worn out the letters, and it's welcome on your phone. Still it's all my thumb wants to type.

I'm sorry

Open your eyes before you leap
But leap. Please leap

Open your heart before you speak.
But speak. Please speak

Don't open your door to every easy love
But unlock your door. Please unlock your door

You've got so much more
And a brother who's sure so
Please Brother please
Don't hide anymore

Stars are stars
That is all.
Oh they're pretty, but pointless
We stand in awe
Of gas and heat and specks of dust
Stars destroy, they just consume everything around them,
Imploding when there is nothing left.

Stars are stars
And when they are gone
They are but a shadow that lingers to remind scientists  an infinite distance away
Of what a   big ball of bright that dark little dwarf used to be

Stars
I cringe when you look up at the stars and see so much more in them
Beauty and hope and God and good.
You smile up at them
And knowing if your smile is all a star is useful for  
Then I will keep quiet
Keep  looking up with you
Keep my telescope under my bed.
I know what they really are
But I'll never tell you

I will always wonder
Where you are
And are you safe
And are you happy
I'll wonder walls
And a roof
And a white picket fence

I will always hunger
For your lips and your legs
And your laughter
I'll huger for games
In a bed
In a sea of black satin

I will always dream
Where you're here
And of your hand in my hair
I'll dream on
Though you're gone
Dream that you're dreaming too

I will always love
You

We're all tired
But my problem comes when
I fall asleep
I dream of you.
So what reason do I have to
Shut my eyes
When dreams have to wait for me to wake
I should never need sleep at all.
When I do wake every dream becomes nightmare.
Not for how real my dreams of you become each night.
But for how in waking it dawns  
The love and life and moments
With my flesh and flawless dream girl
I've foolishly lost in sleeping.  


Why do I close my eyes at all.

Sleep now
Rest your heart
You set life free
You set life free
And you don't know how strong you are little one
You'll never know what you mean to me
But sleep now
Rest your soul  
You set love free
You set love free
And maybe I'll see you on the road to the sea
You'll never know what you mean to me

She stepped out into the daylight after days of darkness
"It's not too bright," she'd say
"But it's too bright for me."
She put her eyes to the ground.


I stepped out into the daylight, having only known passing shade
And saw the sun.
She had her head down.

I hope when the world ends
And the universe turns in on itself
You are holding my hand
And In that infinate collapse
We disappear as one, eternal

I don't remember how he died
I was standing by his side

You reached for me tonight

I don't think I'll ever be able to tell you how badly I wanted your hand last night.
When you gripped your pillow so tightly before you closed your eyes.
I squeezed mine back.

Or the night before when you held up your hand with that look you do
Showing off your pretty red fingertips, painted all on your own and perfectly imperfect

Or the night when it was all you could use when the tissues ran out but your tears wouldn't stop.  

I've never wanted anything more.

And if fate ever decides to find your palm in mine please forgive me for holding on so tightly.

You are my drug, you're in my veins
I don't know how else to explain
That I may not know what to say
When I know your heart's tearing apart.
And all I can say is "It'll be okay."

And oh, if you were here, I'd say the same
But my body'd speak more than my brain
Put your head right here and hear the my heart
Beat slowly, sleep, forget the pain

My words have never been enough
They well may never ever be
I'll try and try to show you though
Until you're here right next to me

I say yes too much
I also say no too much
I should just shut up