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"wretching" poems
petals. petals everywhere. flower petals. they flood my stomach, overfill into my throat, and spill out of my mouth. i wretch. i heave. i grip the skin on my legs for purchase. the petals just don't stop. petals. petals everywhere. in the morning, when i first wake up, petals. in the evening, when i'm settling in and feeling lonely, petals. at night, when i'm alone in the dark with my thoughts, petals. more wretching and heaving. the petals just won't stop. petals. petals everywhere. when i see your face, petals fly out of my mouth. out of my mouth and onto the cold, unforgiving concrete. my knees buckle. you whisper in a soft voice that could lull me into a blissful slumber. "are you alright?" i wretch. i heave. why won't these petals go away? petals. petals everywhere. my stomach has become a garden. has become your garden. your smile blooms inside of me. your voice blossoms like a morning glory. i could get the surgery. i could get it and forget about you. about the wretching. about the heaving. the petals could go away. slicing. dicing. dissecting. petals. petals nowhere. petals no longer litter the ground i walk. the bed i sleep in. the clothes that itch my dry skin. the sight of your face is now a reminder to me. a reminder that you are a person. a person who never appreciated gardening in the first place. no more wretching. no more heaving. no more petals.
0
Apr 21, 2015
Apr 21, 2015 at 3:19 AM UTC
hanahaki.
I see it in your eyes. Your fear. A fear of the unknown. A fear of taking risks. A lack of success. A lack of effort. A lack of motivation. A lack of going for your dreams. A frustration. The dry threats. "I'm gonna come down there and kick your *** you say. Like dry heaves. It's wretching. The nectar of youth slithering away. Your trying to grasp, clamp so tight. You are lost. Taking your frustrations out on others. "You are such a **** up," you snap. You've given up on yourself. You're drowning.   I love you.  But I can't help you.
0
May 14, 2013
May 14, 2013 at 10:26 PM UTC
For Papa
this is a poem about happiness. this is also a poem about how great life is, see? here's a metaphor comparing nature to the faultless form of a pedastalized lover, here's a description of the effect of changes in air pressure and localized temperature fluctuations on physical matter in a given area. here's a bland truism that anybody can relate to. here's a couple rhyming stanzas about the ethereal shifting of connecting threads which cause all life to dance upon the cosmic stage like food poisoned marionettes. here's an ode to the wrinkles of my ******** and the bits of fuzz that occasionally find their home in my ***** here's a sonette to the drop outs doing better than me here's a dirge for the businessman that hangs himself and a jubilee for his widow who earns nothing off his death because he left his entire estate to his catamite. I'm writing a symphony in color, notes of fermenting wood dogshit and coffin dust. the violas swoop and drone the piccolos trill fast enough to excise your gastrointestinal system the barotone sax wheezes and the timpani drum rumbles (the flutes sit motionless because **** flutes) the pianists fingers are bleeding hes banging with stumps now his face contorted in ecstatic glee as if the face of god has parted the clouds just to scrape his gums clean with his dietous **** and lo faint is the whisper which climbs and slithers between the false, bash upon life with both hands. here is life here is death let me show your life let me breathe your wretching like squandered like roots in the soil, paint your everlasting cave drawing in the face of your kitchen and dance around a fire let the embers lick your heels til pagan viciousness overtakes your quivering form. gasp it in
0
Jun 20, 2014
Jun 20, 2014 at 2:47 AM UTC
don't mind baphomet
this is a poem about happiness. this is also a poem about how great life is, see? here's a metaphor comparing nature to the faultless form of a pedastalized lover, here's a description of the effect of changes in air pressure and localized temperature fluctuations on physical matter in a given area. here's a bland truism that anybody can relate to. here's a couple rhyming stanzas about the ethereal shifting of connecting threads which cause all life to dance upon the cosmic stage like food poisoned marionettes. here's an ode to the wrinkles of my ******** and the bits of fuzz that occasionally find their home in my ***** here's a sonette to the drop outs doing better than me here's a dirge for the businessman that hangs himself and a jubilee for his widow who earns nothing off his death because he left his entire estate to his catamite. I'm writing a symphony in color, notes of fermenting wood dogshit and coffin dust. the violas swoop and drone the piccolos trill fast enough to excise your gastrointestinal system the barotone sax wheezes and the timpani drum rumbles (the flutes sit motionless because **** flutes) the pianists fingers are bleeding hes banging with stumps now his face contorted in ecstatic glee as if the face of god has parted the clouds just to scrape his gums clean with his dietous **** and lo faint is the whisper which climbs and slithers between the false, bash upon life with both hands. here is life here is death let me show your life let me breathe your wretching like squandered like roots in the soil, paint your everlasting cave drawing in the face of your kitchen and dance around a fire let the embers lick your heels til pagan viciousness overtakes your quivering form. gasp it in
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61
a bowl of black beans / your mother sitting on the other side of the kitchen / this liquidation of self / you would be something / anything / anyone / if it could make you safe / the black beans taste like nothing now / you aren’t crying but you’re **** near it / your mother makes a honey sweet remark / won’t you stay alive / and / eat your beans then we’ll leave / and you don’t have an answer but you listen / you are pleading with the voices to let you eat the beans and make them taste less like bleach / your mother bleached your hair when you were fourteen and you bleached your skin at sixteen / you drank that same bleach from that same bottle three days after your sixteenth birthday/ but this is a bowl of beans and it tastes like that time / smells like that time / your throat coughing up blood and your body wretching to ***** a bowl of black beans / your mother takes that bowl and washes it out in the sink / you still have that hoarse voice from imagining it tastes like bleach / you still have that ***** wretch instinct because of how much your throat stings / then mother says; you’ll stay with them for some time / as if that makes anything better / a drive into the emptiness of a psychiatric hospital / a place they’d sent you when you were ten because you were so angry and so depressed / you break when the blue tiles turn to ocean and you drown / you break when the red tiles turn to fire and burn your toes / you are hungry again / but you know everything you eat will taste like bleach. you can’t sleep because the bleach is still on your tongue / you think of that bowl of black beans / your mother sitting on the other side of the kitchen / maybe you’d see her smile again / maybe you’d be broken and be able to exist comfortably / don’t you want to survive to see that? you answer / no / i’d rather die than be patronized.
0
May 26, 2017
May 26, 2017 at 2:34 PM UTC
a bowl of black beans
a bowl of black beans / your mother sitting on the other side of the kitchen / this liquidation of self / you would be something / anything / anyone / if it could make you safe / the black beans taste like nothing now / you aren’t crying but you’re **** near it / your mother makes a honey sweet remark / won’t you stay alive / and / eat your beans then we’ll leave / and you don’t have an answer but you listen / you are pleading with the voices to let you eat the beans and make them taste less like bleach / your mother bleached your hair when you were fourteen and you bleached your skin at sixteen / you drank that same bleach from that same bottle three days after your sixteenth birthday/ but this is a bowl of beans and it tastes like that time / smells like that time / your throat coughing up blood and your body wretching to ***** a bowl of black beans / your mother takes that bowl and washes it out in the sink / you still have that hoarse voice from imagining it tastes like bleach / you still have that ***** wretch instinct because of how much your throat stings / then mother says; you’ll stay with them for some time / as if that makes anything better / a drive into the emptiness of a psychiatric hospital / a place they’d sent you when you were ten because you were so angry and so depressed / you break when the blue tiles turn to ocean and you drown / you break when the red tiles turn to fire and burn your toes / you are hungry again / but you know everything you eat will taste like bleach. you can’t sleep because the bleach is still on your tongue / you think of that bowl of black beans / your mother sitting on the other side of the kitchen / maybe you’d see her smile again / maybe you’d be broken and be able to exist comfortably / don’t you want to survive to see that? you answer / no / i’d rather die than be patronized.
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4
Feel the fire on your flesh, burning, transforming your entirety Keeping all your secrets, forever hidden from the ones that you choose to deceive. And if you feel that he is getting too close, run away…. Far away.. Never be too far away from home, to truly leave. There in the distance, there is a siren beckoning for you. She has her hands out to embrace you, only to crush you. Her velvet dress is plunging down, so deep  you can see inside her. But, it’s never enough to make her want you as much as you want her.. Listening to the folk music in the distance … I can feel the agony coming on to me again.. Could it be real “??   Could it be my fault, again.? Seeking revenge through the strangest of ways.   The rocks are so real, that the sailors think they are seeing a mirage But in reality, they think they will truly live past this day Gorging upon the flesh of the past in the true spirit of the future Bent, solemn, tragic, metamorphisis of the human character.   Dig deeper, into the humanity that is no more. Lifting my eyes to the stained, blackness of  their souls Freedom beckoning from a distance for miles Sativa and honey dripping from the demons, black. toothless grins As I ***** my empty stomach and wretching, green nothingness, human bile. So go upon your merry way and sing while you die Feel the ******* anger and bitterness eating your insides. So then, you walk the plank, knowing your end is near Never giving in to the blanket of fear. Tell tale signs of forgiveness, that is rarely real. Stop the ******** you don’t know how to feel. You lost  your soul a long time ago, gave it up for a bag Now your eternity is forever evil and you’ve lost your true life’s zeal
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Dec 28, 2012
Dec 28, 2012 at 1:36 PM UTC
BURNING Flesh
Feel the fire on your flesh, burning, transforming your entirety Keeping all your secrets, forever hidden from the ones that you choose to deceive. And if you feel that he is getting too close, run away…. Far away.. Never be too far away from home, to truly leave. There in the distance, there is a siren beckoning for you. She has her hands out to embrace you, only to crush you. Her velvet dress is plunging down, so deep  you can see inside her. But, it’s never enough to make her want you as much as you want her.. Listening to the folk music in the distance … I can feel the agony coming on to me again.. Could it be real “??   Could it be my fault, again.? Seeking revenge through the strangest of ways.   The rocks are so real, that the sailors think they are seeing a mirage But in reality, they think they will truly live past this day Gorging upon the flesh of the past in the true spirit of the future Bent, solemn, tragic, metamorphisis of the human character.   Dig deeper, into the humanity that is no more. Lifting my eyes to the stained, blackness of  their souls Freedom beckoning from a distance for miles Sativa and honey dripping from the demons, black. toothless grins As I ***** my empty stomach and wretching, green nothingness, human bile. So go upon your merry way and sing while you die Feel the ******* anger and bitterness eating your insides. So then, you walk the plank, knowing your end is near Never giving in to the blanket of fear. Tell tale signs of forgiveness, that is rarely real. Stop the ******** you don’t know how to feel. You lost  your soul a long time ago, gave it up for a bag Now your eternity is forever evil and you’ve lost your true life’s zeal
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29
I believe happiness Settles some where At the bottom of a bottle of gold I scramble to the cabinet Ashamed this sobriety is being Put in a clear cup and drowned With poison that turns your Liver holy like the church women That dress in white kidneys destroyed If I could pour it down Only if it was rain I wouldn't mind letting Every drop hit the ground try extra hard to step Over every puddle instead Of collecting drops on my Sponge tongue tonight I swallow bitterness dreams To big to fit down my throat This time so I spit up Explosions send waves through Out a bottle attached body Laying on the side that's not So bruised with signs I've Been laying here next To the white anchor Holding tight Struggling To lift  myself to face The bowl ill wake up to The focus never in my Eyes One roll back will be it As I Try wretching for my Soul Come out and show What swimming in ***** and liquor Does to the innocent Mouthed
0
Dec 11, 2012
Dec 11, 2012 at 12:21 AM UTC
A liquor Day
He knows it is poison, yet indulges. It's the one way he's learned to live through it. And so stays dry. It's sobering. For months and months and months, It's a life he enjoys. Then comes the itch, so the plan is engaged. Leave and become a stranger, A pub-fly in Ireland. And when he returns, Day One is at hand. The cleansing is on. For three days he digs, buries himself In the dark. Wretching and heaving til bruised. Step by step by step... A red face lights the sink basin, Water, not tears fill his eyes. By eight tonight Day Two begins. But that's still hours away. Back to the sink. When  Day Three dawns, He rises and walks out. Step by step by step...
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Jun 10, 2019
Jun 10, 2019 at 10:57 AM UTC
Coming Out: Day One
Before I knew you I thought you’d changed, too Thank you, you proved me wrong We made plans, they ended It was good we wanted You said you should be moving on Without any warning I woke that morning When you were gone Left alone, my plans remain the same: I’m here to do good, it’s not my choice The cards were dealt, I’ll play my hand— I’m fine this is no sacrifice But since I’ve been here My problem seems clear— A sickness metronomed The volunteer’s life Is filled with small fights But my disease has blown Into war with ***** An acid stomach And no connection home I see it, believe it, that decency persists This place is not what it is, but what we’ve made it We’ve learned to give and take the bad and good But to see ourselves outside ourselves is how we’ll change it A place with palm trees Dead farms and disease In my students I saw a pain that They didn’t know yet Would break them as they grew And these ignored ones These poorly born ones They had no need for hope Yet before I knew them They gave me more than They took to feed their own I thought I knew what they could show That good escapes all circumstance But though I help them, I cannot love them My strength’s abandoned romance And still I’m wretching My sickness spreading It’s in my gut I see your face in The ripened rice which They have begun to cut In the evenings I walk what once were green fields Now dirt-blonde husks That stab the air The color of your hair My stomach churns Hope is useless And I’ve abused it I think I’ll leave it on its own But I keep working The sickness lurking Well, that’s how hardship’s earned
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Apr 26, 2011
Apr 26, 2011 at 1:54 AM UTC
The Sickness
Before I knew you I thought you’d changed, too Thank you, you proved me wrong We made plans, they ended It was good we wanted You said you should be moving on Without any warning I woke that morning When you were gone Left alone, my plans remain the same: I’m here to do good, it’s not my choice The cards were dealt, I’ll play my hand— I’m fine this is no sacrifice But since I’ve been here My problem seems clear— A sickness metronomed The volunteer’s life Is filled with small fights But my disease has blown Into war with ***** An acid stomach And no connection home I see it, believe it, that decency persists This place is not what it is, but what we’ve made it We’ve learned to give and take the bad and good But to see ourselves outside ourselves is how we’ll change it A place with palm trees Dead farms and disease In my students I saw a pain that They didn’t know yet Would break them as they grew And these ignored ones These poorly born ones They had no need for hope Yet before I knew them They gave me more than They took to feed their own I thought I knew what they could show That good escapes all circumstance But though I help them, I cannot love them My strength’s abandoned romance And still I’m wretching My sickness spreading It’s in my gut I see your face in The ripened rice which They have begun to cut In the evenings I walk what once were green fields Now dirt-blonde husks That stab the air The color of your hair My stomach churns Hope is useless And I’ve abused it I think I’ll leave it on its own But I keep working The sickness lurking Well, that’s how hardship’s earned
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60
her dress was blue gauze                            because there wasn't much there,                                                                    for hair, or makeup                                                                        after her breakup, she went to the mall and used yes uses, the outdoor steps for a changeroom, putting on her polka dot pjamas, once that could be used, for the game of twister.                                            Poor sister. She took it all off in the downpour,                      she chose not shower, the water was too cold and refreshing,                                                make her catch her breath while wretching,                                                         no one walking by found her fetching, they all turned away as they walked by, so did my wife and I but she checked and confirmed, the stairs were her change room, she was putting on dry clothes she had three overstuffed bags, her feet were cold and wet, her socks were wet, we did not see any shoes, sadly her angry looks at the invisible people she muttered too uttered curses loudly kept anyone wanting to help far away, as far away as Oz, whoever wanted to be a bridge for her troubled water, and all she needed and all she wanted was a dry place to lay herself down, sail on, silver girl sail on by, there will be serious prayers for you tonight, because God does not make life trivial, we do, take your bags,                                                                      He will cover you with wings and your baggage, in your hands,                                   He is sufficient, to provide for your needs is all that you own in those purses and bags, but you are not alone, even if you have been given up for lonely. Will someone be sent to help her? ©DWE012014
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Jan 12, 2014
Jan 12, 2014 at 12:28 AM UTC
We want to give her a name, nameless, like homeless, can be covered in shame, instead they could self identify - Help Wanted.
her dress was blue gauze                            because there wasn't much there,                                                                    for hair, or makeup                                                                        after her breakup, she went to the mall and used yes uses, the outdoor steps for a changeroom, putting on her polka dot pjamas, once that could be used, for the game of twister.                                            Poor sister. She took it all off in the downpour,                      she chose not shower, the water was too cold and refreshing,                                                make her catch her breath while wretching,                                                         no one walking by found her fetching, they all turned away as they walked by, so did my wife and I but she checked and confirmed, the stairs were her change room, she was putting on dry clothes she had three overstuffed bags, her feet were cold and wet, her socks were wet, we did not see any shoes, sadly her angry looks at the invisible people she muttered too uttered curses loudly kept anyone wanting to help far away, as far away as Oz, whoever wanted to be a bridge for her troubled water, and all she needed and all she wanted was a dry place to lay herself down, sail on, silver girl sail on by, there will be serious prayers for you tonight, because God does not make life trivial, we do, take your bags,                                                                      He will cover you with wings and your baggage, in your hands,                                   He is sufficient, to provide for your needs is all that you own in those purses and bags, but you are not alone, even if you have been given up for lonely. Will someone be sent to help her? ©DWE012014
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35
I cut, Each time the blade wretching deeper into my wrist, Blood oozing out of my skin, Like waves in the night, full of wist. A rush of adrenalin surging through my veins, As I cut deeper and deeper, I can no longer take control of the reins, I can no longer take control of my actions. I am in a daze, No longer in connection with anything, Like I'm all alone in this big maze, Cut off from the world. But I wasn't like this 6 years ago, I was a good little kid, Playing with lease and snow. Life was so simple, And now I can see, How much I've changed, for the worse, And exactly what impact you've had on me. When you left everything went sour, As you craved to live, And seek more power. No father in my life, Has led me up a tree, And now leading me to this knife, Ever so painfully. Now I lay here, Slowly fading away, Not even a friend near. Pain subsiding, Fear demolishing all hope, Of ever being me. Gliding, Gliding away as if I had wings, Pain gone, I feel fresh, New almost, I can see my body lying in a tangled mesh. As I rise upwards, Finally free, Now no one can make an impact on me...
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Oct 12, 2013
Oct 12, 2013 at 1:10 AM UTC
Finally free...
By every stitch awkwardly placed. Does there linger a sting. A colorless. Vastness. Of nothing. A space. Larger than any ravine. Boundless. Where even the brightest smile. Drowned. It was here. In this same collection of wavering resolve. A new smile was born. Of lust. And piercing wales. One that fit ever so perfectly. Tears and pain cascade through. Yet it remained. Begging. Wretching. Playing with this notion of spite. And torture. The blade driven by ones own hand. Is the very one that knows this darkness all to well. Hiltless. Does it dive deeper. And the black ooze finds a home. In the abyss beyond. For this. Is the viciousness desired. A circle of ridicule. And tumble end over end. Smile intact. Mind. Shambles..
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Jan 21, 2016
Jan 21, 2016 at 3:26 AM UTC
Wicked.
I am tired of the tears when I should be over you Dealing with the things you said and tasks you didn't do And you owe me for the millions of tears you made me cry But you in all your heartlessness will keep me where I lie I am sick of the touch that whispered sweeter lies to me Bu I can't say it's all your fault since I chose to fall so eagerly I would say some wise thing of love and loss but this, dear, was not love at all And oh how I despise myself for wanting to answer when you call I am weary of the faults which you showed my naked eyes The worthlessness you showed to someone who once shared your bluest skies Do you fail to see the venom in the lips with which you kiss my skin The deceit needed for you to find your temporary win I will dread any love that comes to me this day forth Wondering and questioning the heavens of my worth Wretching instead of reaching for the silver lining of the clouds Knowing the loser's price when they sets their wages down Now I know the warnings, the hints, the cautions my mind gave The reluctance in my mind that inevitably would have saved The mirror that I chose not to look in simply out of stubbornness And all the issues that we both had which I chose not to address And I am tired of the tears when I should be over you The love that will come once again every time you're passing through The aching for the nicotine-like feeling that only you can quench And the tissues scattered on the floor with which my tears do drench
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Mar 10, 2013
Mar 10, 2013 at 5:34 PM UTC
The Aforementioned Woe
I am tired of the tears when I should be over you Dealing with the things you said and tasks you didn't do And you owe me for the millions of tears you made me cry But you in all your heartlessness will keep me where I lie I am sick of the touch that whispered sweeter lies to me Bu I can't say it's all your fault since I chose to fall so eagerly I would say some wise thing of love and loss but this, dear, was not love at all And oh how I despise myself for wanting to answer when you call I am weary of the faults which you showed my naked eyes The worthlessness you showed to someone who once shared your bluest skies Do you fail to see the venom in the lips with which you kiss my skin The deceit needed for you to find your temporary win I will dread any love that comes to me this day forth Wondering and questioning the heavens of my worth Wretching instead of reaching for the silver lining of the clouds Knowing the loser's price when they sets their wages down Now I know the warnings, the hints, the cautions my mind gave The reluctance in my mind that inevitably would have saved The mirror that I chose not to look in simply out of stubbornness And all the issues that we both had which I chose not to address And I am tired of the tears when I should be over you The love that will come once again every time you're passing through The aching for the nicotine-like feeling that only you can quench And the tissues scattered on the floor with which my tears do drench
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24
Outside, it's cold as ice But I can feel the blistering heat around my neck. The burning grip, I can't escape leaving me mutilated as I cease to breathe These are the hands of a murderer inhuman and inanimate I thrash through the embers in attempt to escape the vicegrip that leaves me bleeding, gasping, burning amongst the flames I am a brutalized, bleeding corpse. Pain and indifference drips onto the floor with every worthless step that I take The demons have stabbed me repeatedly I've lost every drop of humanity I had Everything I've ever loved has been destroyed This is not what was meant to be It's me and my demons, and I've just lost it Someone's going down, and it's not me Today I will tear the hands of my demons from my brutalized, mutilated face I will pull the devil's crushing deathgrip from my lifeless corpse. I shall watch the blood pour from his body, Listen to his bones begin to shatter, and the screeching sound of his inhuman, brutal wretching like the squeals of a pig. I'll set him ablaze and watch him burn. The devil's vice-grip hands couldn't hold me down. I'm ready to start my mission. I'll tie my demons to a tree and do unto them what they've done to me I'll tighten these chains around their neck, Just like they tried to do to me. I'll watch them suffer, struggle to breathe Then I'll tighten these chains some more. and when they think they've reached the end I'll stab them with knives a hundred times. Soak them in gasoline, light the match I'll watch the flesh fall off their burning bodies. And I'll do it with a smile on my face. This job will not be done until each and every one is wholly unrecognizable, Skulls shattered into a million pieces, Bodies thrashed, cut up and burned They thought they were certainly stronger than me. But they would soon meet their demise. I put a bullet in all their heads and they all hit the ground, dead. They should have listened to what I said. Should have ****** with someone else instead. I put bullets in all their heads. Now they're all ******* dead.
0
Aug 30, 2019
Aug 30, 2019 at 10:32 AM UTC
[BRUTAL] Supernatural
Outside, it's cold as ice But I can feel the blistering heat around my neck. The burning grip, I can't escape leaving me mutilated as I cease to breathe These are the hands of a murderer inhuman and inanimate I thrash through the embers in attempt to escape the vicegrip that leaves me bleeding, gasping, burning amongst the flames I am a brutalized, bleeding corpse. Pain and indifference drips onto the floor with every worthless step that I take The demons have stabbed me repeatedly I've lost every drop of humanity I had Everything I've ever loved has been destroyed This is not what was meant to be It's me and my demons, and I've just lost it Someone's going down, and it's not me Today I will tear the hands of my demons from my brutalized, mutilated face I will pull the devil's crushing deathgrip from my lifeless corpse. I shall watch the blood pour from his body, Listen to his bones begin to shatter, and the screeching sound of his inhuman, brutal wretching like the squeals of a pig. I'll set him ablaze and watch him burn. The devil's vice-grip hands couldn't hold me down. I'm ready to start my mission. I'll tie my demons to a tree and do unto them what they've done to me I'll tighten these chains around their neck, Just like they tried to do to me. I'll watch them suffer, struggle to breathe Then I'll tighten these chains some more. and when they think they've reached the end I'll stab them with knives a hundred times. Soak them in gasoline, light the match I'll watch the flesh fall off their burning bodies. And I'll do it with a smile on my face. This job will not be done until each and every one is wholly unrecognizable, Skulls shattered into a million pieces, Bodies thrashed, cut up and burned They thought they were certainly stronger than me. But they would soon meet their demise. I put a bullet in all their heads and they all hit the ground, dead. They should have listened to what I said. Should have ****** with someone else instead. I put bullets in all their heads. Now they're all ******* dead.
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56
I talk a big talk when you're around. Yes. Around you I act so happy - and part of that is true, because it's you and you're around. But I talk a big talk. I can't help it. Something inside me turns on that has to be strong When on the inside things are twisting, so painfully wretching. Inside is this monster of jealousy, when you're around. It captures me. and trust becomes untrustworthy when you're around (her). But when you're around, something in me breathes that deep breath of what it used to be. When you're around it's hard to see you leave. And I can't look you in the eye, when mine betray me. All the strength that I had mustered will melt away like nothing, and you'll see what's underneath: You'll see I am not free -   and the longing that entangles me when you're around.
0
Dec 13, 2011
Dec 13, 2011 at 12:11 AM UTC
when you're around
As a child I thought they stole The true essence of my soul I walked without innocence Listening in vain for my penance Searching I journeyed to and fro To realize I had no great place to go I wandered through my emotions Which sent my life in locomotion Not being quite able to see The beauty that was within me People would tell me I was a gift My mind blocking it I would go stiff Surley if they could see the past The love for me would never last Not once did I see my own light I was way too caught up in my own fight One wretching hurt sent me stopping I finally seen all my own mocking Sick and depressed my heart was crushed I wanted dearly to become a drunken lush I was tired of carrying this extra person A deep look inside sent me cursing Nobody on this earth can take away The God soul given to me that day Still as innocent as freshly first birthed When I crossed this threshold to earth I did allow my emotions to take it all on When it was their burden for the wrongs Being grateful not resentful towards them I finally saw I was a beautiful shinning gem Daily I learn this human suit I am to wear Has no bearing on the soul I have to bare With my angels we keep it locked and stored I see the reflections now on my own accord What the world thinks of me or this poem It has no bearing on how I am going home The voice whispers innocence within my mind Beauty and grace is my angel soul intertwined Channeling spirits from above where I belong Speaking this truth I will forever stand strong This battle of emotions never happening again For now I see I am a true princess within
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Mar 4, 2010
Mar 4, 2010 at 6:43 PM UTC
Discovery Of My Soul's Worth
As a child I thought they stole The true essence of my soul I walked without innocence Listening in vain for my penance Searching I journeyed to and fro To realize I had no great place to go I wandered through my emotions Which sent my life in locomotion Not being quite able to see The beauty that was within me People would tell me I was a gift My mind blocking it I would go stiff Surley if they could see the past The love for me would never last Not once did I see my own light I was way too caught up in my own fight One wretching hurt sent me stopping I finally seen all my own mocking Sick and depressed my heart was crushed I wanted dearly to become a drunken lush I was tired of carrying this extra person A deep look inside sent me cursing Nobody on this earth can take away The God soul given to me that day Still as innocent as freshly first birthed When I crossed this threshold to earth I did allow my emotions to take it all on When it was their burden for the wrongs Being grateful not resentful towards them I finally saw I was a beautiful shinning gem Daily I learn this human suit I am to wear Has no bearing on the soul I have to bare With my angels we keep it locked and stored I see the reflections now on my own accord What the world thinks of me or this poem It has no bearing on how I am going home The voice whispers innocence within my mind Beauty and grace is my angel soul intertwined Channeling spirits from above where I belong Speaking this truth I will forever stand strong This battle of emotions never happening again For now I see I am a true princess within
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42
I guess I just want something deep, I no longer want some flimsy fantasy Spending my time dreaming of what could be I want to take my time to get to know Every shining quality like the stars of my beau It would be just the two of us Wrapped within the warmth of summer's arms Forever in a cocoon Feeling safe, and we would even dare to dream that we would continue on forever unharmed Protected in the amniotic sac of our love Simultaneously grounding us And shooting us up into the stars Something so deep, Tethering me to sanity And ungrounding me to possibility Weaving within my very veins the certainty of my lover's loyalty And at the same time reveling within romantic spontaneity Oh, how sweet and uncalculated this fine and complex dance of living can be Spinning in rehearsed circles and always coming back to the heart of all the things that could be and ever will be And yet my life is a mere breeze On a desert plain Blowing away the sands of both my happiness and pain And what else could I say, Except it's been a beautiful, heart wretching, eye opening, wisdom gaining, heart expanding ride? And when I find this love of mine, Our love will defy the very concept of time We will have love that is so deep That it will continue on into eternity.
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Apr 8, 2017
Apr 8, 2017 at 2:41 AM UTC
Deep Love
One hundred and five days wasted. Down the drain along with the crimson and I tried. Pushed to the limit, I Could not control that which my skin begged for. Crawling like a thousand ants. Screaming, wretching, Pleading. Give me More. And I gave in, weak in my Pain. I could not control, Myself, my mind, my Hands. They say relapse, Is necessary in recovery but I say it's Failure. Failure and weakness, Reminding me that I cannot Overcome the Monsters. I begin the count again, One two three, Waiting to see how long it will Take. One Hundred and Five days Gone to waste, and I Tried, and I Failed.
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Jun 24, 2012
Jun 24, 2012 at 1:35 AM UTC
One Hundred and Five
Instincts may rise and fall with fitful breath never to soon to swallow th'abyssal undercurrent that pulls you over troubled Oceans all too often When restless dreams bring sleepless Vision-men out of the darkest swell of night~ Fifty nine prayers will bowl you under Twelve years of Starless skies Ten Stone men in ruined catacombs writhing out a heartless Banshee Howl steal all thee yearns for wretching from the pit of soured insides~ the deepest Core aching to be released.
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Sep 24, 2014
Sep 24, 2014 at 12:18 AM UTC
Banshee Howl
Behind the window and through the blinds lies a man, who stands and perches, naught but a silhouette outlined by the brown, nicotine-stained glow of the sheets-called-curtains. Anyway, there's a man there, peering into my window as measures necessary to enable sleep are taken, but he's not doing anything, I mean - I'm not sure he's even watch- ing me, but the hour grows late and try as I might, the mind runs wild - drawing demons from crevices and hands of memory from the bizarre December thunderstorm winds, and it's always hard but right now becoming impossible not to draw lines between nonexistent floating points and shadow the underside of spinning geometrics. I don't know how people do it, although I imagine this ******* guy that will not stop looking at me - ab- solutely, undoubtedly, has some notiong of how to .. Hey! Listen! I shout, but I'm starting to wonder if he's really there at all or if maybe he's not a pseudo-fucking floating dot-point construct, designed and developed and implemented by some crazed group of people to -----------------------------no! that is unlikely, and probably impossible - really, I believe that I'm better now and see ent8irely that said lying-yet-standing isn't a man, no, but that he is an illusion! Looking around at the soft yellow glow from the low- yield/high-power bulbs as it leaps from sad chair to stained and scarred electronics and into my cerebral cortex, the lack of and maybe .. I can see now a palpable, blood-like desperat- ion for wont of any sort of human contact - it is wretching, but ever-present - because, currently, that cannot be. And really is there ever anything nearly as damaging and damning and, I think I'd argue, driving as the desperate drive that comes from knowing that what you know is impossible to rationalize? The terrible tragedy is the way that vile data manifests itself, corrupting and poisoning pure s streams, but becoming aware of this wasn't half so bad as realizing that man you just spent hours learning to hate was never there.
0
Jul 4, 2010
Jul 4, 2010 at 12:27 PM UTC
4:01 AM
Behind the window and through the blinds lies a man, who stands and perches, naught but a silhouette outlined by the brown, nicotine-stained glow of the sheets-called-curtains. Anyway, there's a man there, peering into my window as measures necessary to enable sleep are taken, but he's not doing anything, I mean - I'm not sure he's even watch- ing me, but the hour grows late and try as I might, the mind runs wild - drawing demons from crevices and hands of memory from the bizarre December thunderstorm winds, and it's always hard but right now becoming impossible not to draw lines between nonexistent floating points and shadow the underside of spinning geometrics. I don't know how people do it, although I imagine this ******* guy that will not stop looking at me - ab- solutely, undoubtedly, has some notiong of how to .. Hey! Listen! I shout, but I'm starting to wonder if he's really there at all or if maybe he's not a pseudo-fucking floating dot-point construct, designed and developed and implemented by some crazed group of people to -----------------------------no! that is unlikely, and probably impossible - really, I believe that I'm better now and see ent8irely that said lying-yet-standing isn't a man, no, but that he is an illusion! Looking around at the soft yellow glow from the low- yield/high-power bulbs as it leaps from sad chair to stained and scarred electronics and into my cerebral cortex, the lack of and maybe .. I can see now a palpable, blood-like desperat- ion for wont of any sort of human contact - it is wretching, but ever-present - because, currently, that cannot be. And really is there ever anything nearly as damaging and damning and, I think I'd argue, driving as the desperate drive that comes from knowing that what you know is impossible to rationalize? The terrible tragedy is the way that vile data manifests itself, corrupting and poisoning pure s streams, but becoming aware of this wasn't half so bad as realizing that man you just spent hours learning to hate was never there.
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46
Trying Trying to form Trying to form the thought It hurts too badly The toilet calls for me Trying Trying to find Trying to find the shirt I lost in my stupor Wretching at every step Trying Trying to think Trying to think of where In the ****** hell I am Who's house is this? Trying Trying to force Trying to force the water To stay inside my stomach Every breath brings more ***** Trying Trying very hard Trying very hard to stand The room spins in a terrible way Fall to the floor alone Trying Trying not to Trying not to smell The smoke and whiskey stench Throttling the air around me Trying Trying to remember Trying to remember my steps Bringing me to this painful juncture Lost memory blackened out Trying Trying to will Trying to will myself Into believing this is my house And that I need help here.
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Jun 20, 2013
Jun 20, 2013 at 11:34 PM UTC
**** Stick and Party Favors(blackout)
I like talking about ******* And I like laughing about awkward situations that aren’t my own I love hearing about how other peoples parent relationships are just as ****** up if not more than mine. I feel understood when someone new inevitably tells me they have anxiety, Or that they hated school. Cigarettes and beer on men’s breathes still make me dissociate. And I still try and squash my stomach out of existence or into my pocket to put someone else’s comfort first. And I still ignore pain during *** and separate my mind and body into compartments to situate myself in the part where it feels good. I’m still angry. I still get pangs when I see particular people’s names, or photos, or mention of their friends or favourite music. The pang is dulled now like a blunted needle… But still the stab reminds me of the twang it used to bring. That would pull at my limbs till I was foetal and wretching. I think I got bored of my own pain, Or I wore myself out. I think there’s only so long you can hold both sides of a non-existent conversation. I’m still reaching for affection, compliments and pet names… And I don’t know if it’s ****** or parental but god I just want to be hugged. I caught myself by surprise once when I snuggled up to my dad and as I lay beside him watching a movie, I revealed to myself how much I was hurting. I am sick of crying bathroom selfies. I am sick of shower crying and breakfast skipping. But I do like the rush your body gives you after you’ve let loose on tears. It makes me wonder if depression is just a little bit addictive. I still like that feeling…and sometimes I want to feel sad because it feels deep.. But it’s only enticing until you’re there and then it’s a deceptive tar pit of hell, And you’re tricked and sticky and heavy. I haven’t been depressed in ages, But my memory’s bad so I might have felt awful last week I’m not sure.
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Sep 17, 2017
Sep 17, 2017 at 6:57 AM UTC
*** depression and fear (but it's shifting)
I like talking about ******* And I like laughing about awkward situations that aren’t my own I love hearing about how other peoples parent relationships are just as ****** up if not more than mine. I feel understood when someone new inevitably tells me they have anxiety, Or that they hated school. Cigarettes and beer on men’s breathes still make me dissociate. And I still try and squash my stomach out of existence or into my pocket to put someone else’s comfort first. And I still ignore pain during *** and separate my mind and body into compartments to situate myself in the part where it feels good. I’m still angry. I still get pangs when I see particular people’s names, or photos, or mention of their friends or favourite music. The pang is dulled now like a blunted needle… But still the stab reminds me of the twang it used to bring. That would pull at my limbs till I was foetal and wretching. I think I got bored of my own pain, Or I wore myself out. I think there’s only so long you can hold both sides of a non-existent conversation. I’m still reaching for affection, compliments and pet names… And I don’t know if it’s ****** or parental but god I just want to be hugged. I caught myself by surprise once when I snuggled up to my dad and as I lay beside him watching a movie, I revealed to myself how much I was hurting. I am sick of crying bathroom selfies. I am sick of shower crying and breakfast skipping. But I do like the rush your body gives you after you’ve let loose on tears. It makes me wonder if depression is just a little bit addictive. I still like that feeling…and sometimes I want to feel sad because it feels deep.. But it’s only enticing until you’re there and then it’s a deceptive tar pit of hell, And you’re tricked and sticky and heavy. I haven’t been depressed in ages, But my memory’s bad so I might have felt awful last week I’m not sure.
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26
guilty tears fall as I stare onto canvas of the past heart wretching memories flood my mind.. not sure how to cope with my New found real raw emotion allowing it to sink into my soul ..not avoiding it or covering it up with poisons proving to myself... Im actually human.. no reason to run!
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Jul 25, 2016
Jul 25, 2016 at 5:05 AM UTC
Guilt and tears
‪I'm afraid of the dark,‬ ‪the wretching sight of the unseen‬ ‪the eerie noises that come within,‬ ‪I'm afraid of the dark,‬ ‪the endless maze of the colorless‬ ‪absorbing every bit of light,‬ ‪I'm afraid of the dark,‬ ‪the hollowness of the boxed halls‬ ‪begins to tighten once inside,‬ ‪My mind‬
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Aug 12, 2020
Aug 12, 2020 at 10:05 PM UTC
Afraid
We saw nothing that was inside your face everything so well did hide he'll be okay - no use prying but inside your heart was dying A mask you wore to hide the pain the sadness and sorrow, driving you insane and still we saw nothing, not even a glimpse not a shudder, a tear, not even a wince As you stood there, feeling only dispaire in the silence of 1000 stares we ran to you, having finally caught on but too late we came, into the woods you had gone. Slowly you walked, under the light of the moon your heart wretching from pain and gloom and there you came to a solemn standing tree from which nobody your act could see Just one moment it took for thee to set your mind, your soul a'free at last your suffering put to ease a lifeless body swaying in the breeze
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Nov 30, 2017
Nov 30, 2017 at 2:24 AM UTC
A moment in time
your eyes wash over me waves crashing on sand stripping the beach of its substance silence stretches between us growing, blooming splitting our love into pieces vines intangling and overtaking something cold drops from my tear ducts my heart aches everything is swallowed ****** into the depth of pain, wretching my body shaking like an earthquake you walk away lowering your head I howl at you but you keep drifting away sailing through the ocean that is my mind the wind whispers to me that you were never mine you only acted like a gem in my crown, blending in, but never matching suddenly I am warm, burning surrounded by the flames set by you but the warmth is not enough to throw my winter aside your lies will not burn my walls down we are done I've thrown us aside to make way for a new world to grow but your roots linger underneath the soil
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Dec 9, 2019
Dec 9, 2019 at 2:39 PM UTC
please stop growing