i just want to know
has my life been worth the fight.
i have died a thousand times,
just wondering.
am i really cut out to be something?
am i going to make a change?
nope, probably not.
i don't matter to people.
one day i'll be gone and dalton and morgan and meagan and stefanie and zac will all forget about me.
the only reason they talk to me is because i let it slip that i was feeling particularly suicidal that day.
the stories didn't help, i don't care about how you got kicked out of school for a month for showing up trashed.
it's not the same as what i go through. i appreciate the effort but please stop.
one day i'll be gone, and dalton and morgan and meagan and stefanie and zac, will forget about me.
oh how i hate fourth block math.

So here is a tale,
Epic, but true
Of my trip to So-Cal
Written down for you

It starts out in Salem
Such a fine town indeed
And 28 hours later,
From the train I was freed

Of this long ride
Not much can be said,
But for want of a better seat partner
I wished to smack him on the head.

For never such a pompous
Man have I met-
He fancied himself
Better than the rest

And when it came time
To un-board the train
My request for help with bags
Was met with disdain

To add grief to my mood
Once I got to the station
I found that my checked bags
Had not found their destination

But don't fret dear reader,
No, do not fear,
For my story gets better
of my two day stay here.

We came back the next day
My cousin and I
To find two boxes had arrived
The third still being sly

So to the beach we did roam
And many pictures we took
If you'd like to see them,
They're on my Facebook.

While in the water that noon
The ocean clear as day,
With my eyes I did spot
A baby sting ray!

While a marvelous sight,
One I'd never seen before,
I hopped out of the water
Lest my foot receive a sore.

After our play time,
We discovered hunger
And for my first time
Went to In-N-Out Burger

My dear cousin Stefanie
From the mother of a friend
Received many apples
So I pie I did blend!

All by myself
Was the recipe made
Crusts included,
with my memory's aid.

Once out of the oven
And cooled just quite right,
The deliciousness was evident
From the very first bite.

The next morning was my last
Of my trip to California
We thought to see Hollywood
Was a marvelous idea.

But oh the traffic-
We were not prepared
So from walking around
We were completely spared.

Visit we did,
But in drive-by form
So to leave for LAX
I did not long mourn.

Early we did arrive
To where from I would leave
Thanks to the carpool lane
Into which we did weave.

Inside the airport
I traveled alone
This was the first time
I had by myself flown.

Three hours of waiting
Before I got on the plane
Thank goodness I had my Kindle
To entertain my brain.

Once the plane had been boarded
My trip seemed quite short
It wasn't long until
We got into port.

From there it was Tanner
In his Honda Accord
Who picked me up from the airport
And to Newberg I was restored.

And so of my trip
I have but one thing to say:
I like Oregon weird!
California can keep its L.A.

Stefanie's Guitar
Breaks off in a million shards
Its sound like a star
All angles of possibility
All directions
Light refracts, explodes, appears just to disappear
Beyond Stefanie's Guitar

While i was guaranteed eternal advice and happiness in my exclusive group of friends at our tri-weekly lunches and weekend clubbings, I simultaneously indulged myself in the pleasure of being surrounded by an erroneous kind of couple, the lesbians.  Stefanie and Andy were the token lesbians in our group of friends.  Token lesbians proved to be a great asset to our group for warding off unwanted straight guys looking for a way too easy lay.  My friendship with Stef and Andy would give me my way in to all of the lesbian and gay bars in the city notorious for their ***** ***** martinis laced with desire and chilling excitement on pretty girls drink free everyday.  Whenever i needed that "unique" night out on the beautiful New York town, Stef and Andy were right there to buy my first beer.  Everyone has to have that one token gay couple, no matter man or woman.  Some of us choose to flaunt our outrageous choice of friends all over the most elite restaurants and parties across Manhattan as a way to boost our inner self-esteem; while others specifically keep them around to ******* our conservative elders who refuse to give over our much deserving trust funds.  Stef, Andy and i had been friends for nearly eight years.  I met Stef on my first day of working at the Times, she was a fellow new employee fresh out of intern training hell.  From day one, we stuck together like glue knowing that if we played our cards right and made friends with the archangels of New York literary heaven, eventually we'd see the light of God.  We had thought the hazing of interning at this stress packed **** hole was horrifying but we had only experienced a slit of what true work was.  The slaving over deadlines and editorial reviews had cut our souls in half and drained our eyes of tears.  Stepping out of one of the most powerful buildings in New York, the fresh smell of cigarettes and brandy flowing through the opening and shutting doors of the nearest bar half a block away.  Given the name and outer decor was a huge signal that this place was not somewhere i would usually find myself after work on a Friday night, the offer of "first round on me" boggled my thought process.  Stef persuaded me to walk alongside her as we paraded our way through the busy rush hour traffic of guilty hubbies simply wishing to get home and bang the life out of their trophy wives in hopes that their women would forget the minor incident involving someone else's lingerie ending up in the ***** clothes on Wednesday morning.  Boredom had overtaken me personally as well earlier that week when i overheard Stef confirm with someone named "Andy" that she'd be at "The Heel" as soon as she could leave this "constipated place of crap".  Much to my surprise, my third eye skills lacked as I was under the impression that A) "Andy" was a boy, B)  Stef was straight, and C) I would end up going home with one lucky bachelor tonight who made the wrong mistake of being able to order a ***** *** and coke on ice and dance like his *** drive depended on it.  Fortunately, I was wrong on all of the above and while i was repeatedly hit on by pixie cut after pixie cut, i lost my gay bar virginity, gained my token lesbian couple, and went home tipsy as a homeless man on Fifth Avenue.

I wonder why it is that you have not left my mind
Too far behind to even say goodbye
Little by little you were slipping out of my grasp
Until out of nowhere there was absolutely nothing left

When will you come back - we both know you will
When will you look into my eyes again and hold me close at your will?
When will we stay up again - rolling in the sheets
Bodies interlocked.
Eyes stay meet.
With the moon glowing bright
Until the sun sinks in
"I can never get any sleep when I'm with you, what am I going to do with you?"
This is my excuse for why you ran away

So many questions I've been waiting for you to answer
Shall I wait much longer?
They say "distance makes the heart grow fonder."
So why haven't you called?
Or do you not care at all?

Just tell me you care and I will be there
Am I making this up all in my head?
It's easier to think you just wanted to **** me instead.
But if this is true - why would you say the things that you do?

"If it were any other time in my life Stefanie, I would have chased you until the sun burnt out."
If you felt this way then how not now?
The sun is still shining and you're not behind me.

Ah, I see it was all a game
You conquered me and left me to shame
And now we can never be friends again and it pains me inside
To lose the friendship we used to have because of a sweet talking lie

I will love you forever, this I know
And I know you will think about me and our time together
Holding me in your arms
Kisses on my back
It has been a year full of tears
And I want my energy back
It is no longer yours to keep
I am tired of feeling weak

This is me letting go, until the sun burns out.

Things I'd like to do
Have white women
That throw away white people
Shut the **** up
Play Beyoncé
And look **** in my solo ness
Have a Russian woman
Brush me off
And then later tell me
I look just like Gwen Stefanie
Whatever makes you feel good girl
Cuz I'll still be
More brilliant
And resilient
Than you
And any of you
Cuz I'm the queen of
Everyland.