When I was 12

I cut for the frist time I used this little
sharp thing that came in this manicure set
I don't know why I did it but I can remember
my hand hanging over the bathroom sink little drips of blood falling from me I staired in to space I can still feel that dead feeling
Latter that year I cut in front of my friend I did not think she was looking, she **** my hand and " oh my god, dude did you just make that happen?" I should be I shamed I would be now, but then I think I may have been proud, it got worst I cut everyday
mostly my hands. One day my older brother
asked what happen to my hands I said his cat had scratch me
a really bad lie cuz rocko would never hurt a fly,
and he new cuz he told my mom right there and then
Ma, I think she's cuting herself, I was so panic that I don't even remember what she said, but I did not stop
mouths later I think it was in Jan of 2001
I was at my sisters house and I must have had a scrach or scar showing
I reamber what she said, my hand are shaking tyeping it,
"Why are you cutting you're self little *******!, you know that bring the devil he likes that!, little did I know those would be that last words she ever said to me cuz she died in feb that same year
and know it's crazy but part of me will allways blame me and my cutting,
and i still think of her when I cut, I don't have to tell you that did not stop me,

whene I was 13

I don't think I cut much wich is do odd cuz it was the worst time in my life, insted I dressed like a ****, got drunk, talk back to my famliy and messed aroung with grown up guys,  and started writeing poetry
but I never cut.

Whene I was 14

god that was I really bad bad time I'm pretty shore I was crazy
I was convosed about my sexuality and gender,
i shaved my head started dressing as crazy as possibal maybe get ppl to look at me, maybe to scare them away I don't know.
but I cut, I cut I LOT! I can remember locking myself in the basement with my KORN and SLIPKNOT CDs turned up so load no one can hear my cry, I craved an anarcy symble in my lag, and fell asleep on the liveing room couch, my mom saw it and freaked out, she asked me if I was crazy?, gay?, if it hurt?, all I did was turn over and go back to sleep.

When I was 15

everyone just knew I was crazy, I cut be with the head to toe black
dog colers and books on the cruch of Satan no one really nodest, but I knew, it was takeing over my life, I had so meny cut on my arms that
ther was not a part of my skin that was not scabed red or swollen
but I did not stop.

When I was 16

I lot of things about me chanched at 16
but it was hard to say what they where
i remember one day I staired in the mirror so long
I could not stand mr face and more I was enraged
I was allwas sad, but now it was anger I did not want to see
any part of me or my life any more a hated it all so much
I tryed to blind me self, with narr hair remover, I put in to my eyes
it was the worst pain I ever felth, and when everything started to look gray I was scard and for the frist time sents my sisters death
I prayed to god not elfs or the vampire ruler
but god, and it stop the bruning the grayness stoped
and from that the I never said I did not believe in god, you can call me crazy, but I think I should'ev been blind.
but I never stoped cutting,
just mouths layer in the summer I can remember
being dressed like a latex dominatress, I craved the word nothing in my hand that word ment a lot to me it was my seventh name
I never thoght anyone nodest but when I came home one day
2 of my 3 brothers and my mom where waiting like an intervention
they asked me why?, what does it mean?, my father asked if I " really worship the devil?" I just said I do it cuz I'm crazy and never said anouther word,  but I did not stop cutting.

When I was 17

my life was sleep cutting and poetry and nothing more,
I lived in razor blades and notbooks, I can remember one day I had 2 cuts on my arm my uper arm, but I must have forgot cuz I did not
where a swater to the dinner table, my brother the same brother
that nodest when I was 12 got up in a rage and went in to the ketchen with my mom and was yelling at her " did you see the cuts?, did you see thies ******* cuts, he did not think I heard no one did but that mead my cry so hard, I'm and will allways protective of my mom, I hated that she was getting yelled at for something I did, but than she starting blameing everyone but me, I craved a heart in to my hand and she went if in my neice say "did you see her do this?"
now my cuting was everyone pain
but I did not stop

when I was 18

I did not cut as much but whene I did it was bad
I used broken glass it was my favoret, and I cut placeing
that never showed, when I  was dressed,
and I looked normle just like anyone els
nothing dark of freaky about me but if you saw me
naked I was a masacare
and I did not stop.

When I was 19

I had a hole deffrent feeling like nothing I did
was good enough, I'm not like everyone els my
age, I allwas had this thing where when ever u was outside
and someone laughed I thought it was about me
if they looked at me it was cuz I'm ugly
or just a freak, at this time it was worst
cuz I realize not much has chanched in my life.
I got my shoulder once I was one my computer
and my dad asked what happend I said I got cut when I was
moving things in my room all he said oh I thought
you where doing something weird, talk about being the last to know.

When I was 20

I only cut twice that year, And my mom seemed to think about it more that me but in a defforent way "what are you gunna do with those scars?"
shed allways say, still does no mans gonna wanna marry someone with
unexplainable scars on her body, I allways found that shallow
and cold but I did not completly stop cuting.

When I was 21

I had an inter deffrent soul or at lest a new mask
in lost wight, trund blond, for the longest time replaced
poetry with make up, try to perfect most ppl thought I was
even me, I was bublelie that girl who laughed really loud
with butterflys in my bedroom and boys on my cell phone
mirrors and make up, it kinda the new obession cuz I can feel it taken over, and no one knows it  they will never guess it
but I did not stop cuting

now i'm 22 years olds

sometimes I feel so fake I wanna scream,
I don't reconize me anymore, but I never like me anyway
I can't understand how I can want those feeling back?
I mead so long, how can I just stop?
Cuting is part of me, as much as I want it gone
then why did cry so much, more then the blood
why do I feel so worthless saying
I did not stop cutting...

Where to start, the end? The only thing left is what i began,
In the hopes  of roses falling down your dress. Let me sleep in dark let me  fade away i can barely look at myself anyway. At this point its been given up and i cant stand the thought that i dint  get to hold you in my arms. The ravens crawl into my eyes, black water filled inside my emotions are a plague and my body's scard to death. And this unbearable pain its whats left to stay. I guess we were really not meant to be at all. I guess that i failed to be the man you loved once and for all.

When im stood beside you, I know you're really there
Because i see your face lit in the darkest place and then i think of you...
Think of you when i am sad
Think of all the times we spent together
I thught you were my friend
But then you lost me
Or i lost you
You were there for me
I was there for you
We was always there
When we needed it most
But then that day came
And your eyes as red as blood
Came twords me
I was scared
I was terrified
I thught to myself "What?"
Then you stopped and stared
I didn't speak
Because i was afraid
What had i done
What was you going to do
I stood
And sung
And reminded you that you were safe
And you
You told me that you didn't care
You didn't want to talk
You didnt want to be there for me anymore
But alongside all that
I stayed loyal to you
Kind to you
A friend to you
Hoping that someday, you would come back
I guess i wasnt thinking
Because never did you ever come back to me
You just left and watched me walk
And suffer the pain you had caused me
You laughed at me
And took my life from me
Because i was scard
For life
And you did nothin to save me
You hated me
I hated you
You found me
And asked
Why was i sad
I said, because of you
You shut me out
Wouldnt let me in
Locked me out and threw away the key
You didnt relise what you had done to me
But it hurt, a lot
And yet, i always stayed a friend to you
And i always will.

You're the most addictive drug I've ever tried
Loving you was an addiction that I couldn't ever hide
We cried, we fought, we laughed and loved so hard
Maybe a little too hard that in the end it left us both scard
But now you're gone the effects won't disappear
I need a fix for this addiction but you're no longer here
But the ghost of you still lingers inside my head
Imagining life without you is something I dread
So I'll wait for you because you know I'll come straight away
I'll love you forever is all I want to say

Twisted, tangled, platted scard, bark roots
growing up, aiming for the stars, from humble springtime shoot,
the beer bottle, chlorophyll conopy
framed the stars and hung on the sky for you and me to see
your mules lay sleeping, and my worn out boots,
20 toes on 4 feet stand casually aloof,
This half past, bed time, ink soaked, sultry night,
plots to **** our foot loose, fancy , child free, single lives, by night
a citrus soaked, aromatic breeze
makes music on its way as it mingles with the leaves that dress the trees
A barn owl holidays inside a hole
who is he to twit twoo or even hoot to us to go
the river oozes easy to the sea
Opal blue twists and turns corners into aqua green
Whip crack lightning lassoos across the sky
a prophet for a thunder storm at war near by
come morning has broke its going to break my heart
to lose this poetry, this painting this supernatural dark

Twisted, tangled, platted scard, bark roots
growing up, aiming for the stars, from humble springtime shoot,
the beer bottle, chlorophyll conopy
framed the stars and hung on the sky for you and me to see
your mules lay sleeping, and my worn out boots,
20 toes on 4 feet stand casually aloof,
This half past, bed time, ink soaked, sultry night,
plots to **** our foot loose, fancy , child free, single lives, by night
a citrus soaked, aromatic breeze
makes music on its way as it mingles with the leaves that dress the trees
A barn owl holidays inside a hole
who is he to twit twoo or even hoot to us to go
the river oozes easy to the sea
Opal blue twists and turns corners into aqua green
Whip crack lightning lassoos across the sky
a prophet for a thunder storm at war near by
come morning has broke its going to break my heart
to lose this poetry, this painting this supernatural dark