Today is the same as yesterday.
The morning storms awoke me from
My placid dreamy state. Almost the same.  Yesterday,  I noticed you had already left for work as your side of the bed was absent. I longed to be nestled in your embrace as the storm waged on. This morning you are here.  I tried to hold you, thinking this is perfect I have a redo. You told me to scoot over.  Yesterday,  as I day dreamed about your hand holding mine as I succumbed to old age I realized that I am distrusting because I am afraid of inevitable loss.  Today,  I realized that I may not be afraid of losing you,  I am afraid that I can not have you and I can not be had in the way that I would like.  Expectations are suffering and I do exceptionally well at dissapointment.

Today, I feel pensive.
There is a block on my energy.
I want to build a wall ten feet high,
That allows me the discretion
Of running away without allowing
Anyone to see which direction
I am going.
I have no destination in particular
In mind.

Sometimes I feel like I am doing everyone a great disservice just by being alive
When I reflect on this I feel almost narcissistic
My existence is not that impactful
All of these thoughts bring me an inner grief
As I would not say these things towards another person
I want to filter my inner monologue
My thoughts can almost bring me to tears when I am trying to focus on a present task at hand
Ruminations of misery come over me at random
I want to be emotionally well