3 weeks, that's all it takes,
how many necessary things could have
been said, but weren't...
i could have written to my local m.p.,
or say - an imaginary letter to
Lorca, like Jack Spicer -
instead, i wrote a few pieces of
verbal-diarrhea - sheer frustration -
how debasing i sometimes see myself
becoming, all this talk of self-censorship,
it's this ominous shadow of some third
party sources... the more you write
it seems, the more you start fearing
in the existence of that famous chestnut
known as writer's block...
it's such a fear that it's
impossible to call it irrational,
a tiny fear, a phobia, fear without a narrative...
so you end up becoming debasing for a while:
thankfully: there's nothing in concreto
about it...
you begin almost in trance
blurting out words to no civilised purpose -
just to go beyond the rust and stiffness of
3 weeks sober, as if starved from the world:
because your grandparents don't have an internet
connection...
and you return from a place where
you have to time to read books, and be content
at being fed by a television set...
rather than having to feed
the computer and that amassing of knowledge
and shared experience...
a digital detox they call it...
i call it a double-whammy detox... and strange
how doable it is: it doesn't require
a rehab... or some guru telling you
that you have to block out thoughts
immersed to the internet...
but then again, is it about that?
all i can claim to say is that:
the internet can really become a cul de sac...
i'd feign to believe that anyone with
it can read a novel these days...
i know i can't -
in the most ordinary circumstances -
a complete shut-down can provide
enough furniture to be so less itchy
and nagging to touch...
and it wasn't even a case
of a self-imposed hiatus...
don't know what it actually meant
other than an immersion in: what
life was like in the 20th century...
and on that touchy subject of
certain words being treated as if said
by children and deserving the scorn from an elder...
well sure, would that give us many more
graces to: write in the fxxx? and if i actually did -
if only the english language used some sort of
orthographic, but it can't: since it has no diacritical
markings...
the aesthetic is so different in Poland...
you don't censor certain words so might think you're
talking roses and adorable puppies for some
grand social project...
there's a graffiti joke in Poland...
and there about four different variations
of the same word (as it sounds) -
huj hój
chuj and chój...
there are no others... but there's only one accepted
spelling of the word: given the orthographic convention...
and if this word is seen on walls
without the correct orthography, it's a good joke...
(it's the first spelling of the word that's correct,
if you want to know)...
what i can't understand is creating these excessive
emotional associations with words,
not sentences that lead to a fuller meaning:
but isolated words...
it's a simple bewilderment that
using such words, for the sake of using them, might
suddenly lead toward some antagonism of
an ethnicity -
it's black on white -
there are no hues of words... but when it's used
from fear of a writer's block, and it has to be used,
once again: not in concreto...
then it's again, used like i might
throw everything into grammatical categorisation of
words, and get back a lesson in grammar...
that's 3 weeks without a keyboard - you're
bound to vent out some frustration...
at least there's an antidote to it,
on saturday i experienced zenith of the frustration,
until it dwindled away, overnight...
rarely do you see a review of a poetry
book in english newspapers...
perhaps the guardian, but in the times?
once in a blue moon...
the review: if jeremy corbyn wrote poems...
for almost a whole evening i was experiencing this
sort of: debilitating paralysis, debilitating because it
was wholly mental... i equated reading this review
with an experience of: ethical monopoly of vocab...
and it really does exist... its not a question of political
correctness, but a case of ethics:
could i use the word nxxxer or not?
can it really be so scary to see that correct spelling?
and what if i wrote about the river Niger, because
i felt like it... or took to the fancy of a trip to Nigeria?
boy, Niagara falls must be stunning to look at too!
i don't understand that privacy can be so usurped,
so wrangled out one's on comfort...
so we have our closet racists and closet intellectuals
(who i call the bearded white boys
in chequered shirts and torn jeans) -
but in a fit of personal transitioning, are we really
about to censor each other, and on what ground?
yes, i have a ku klux **** hood in my closet
and i'm about to shout ye ha! on a lynch frenzy...
it's a word said out of context with a historical content
still ascribed to it... if this word were taken into
an urban environment: it would be an epitome of
what once was used with the words *******...
i'm not concerned with the word historically...
historically speaking: it's urban now...
it can literally mean: thick-as-night...
and can you start to begin finalising such
nano experiences in life...
some people get to sky-dive,
or hunt lions on safaris...
i'm stuck with a wasted evening
duped into thinking this out:
like so horror minority report, said the word:
predestined to do the most god-awful evil...
or like i said the word:
and that's equivalent to not washing my mouth for
2 weeks... 2 weeks spent on a diet of onions,
garlic and raw beef...
it's this absurdity that has nothing
fancy about it, this could not be written by
Albert Camus... it's too worm-like absurd...
i don't whether to laugh or cry, or tell you
how i had to find a counter-frustration...
but i did, the review of a poetry book in a saturday newspaper...
philip collins' take on unreconciled - poems 1991 - 2013
by michel houellebecq...
i'm guessing the actual book
would make me feel less frictive than the reviewer's take on it...
such this huge ball of fungus dropped into
my cranium and started to cannibalise itself with
digestive juices of nihilism... thankfully reviews like this
would spur me on and make me want to read such a book...
just to get the antithesis (if that's correct word to use)...
to me, it sounds like a book
that's supposed to oppose the european use of the haiku...
for me not all haikus are philosophical...
although i know they're intended as such...
personally, i think that the art behind the haiku is
more than the actual haiku...
say, someone who invented this medium,
yes, an easterner would probably write 20 haikus in
a period of 20 years...
writing too many haikus (usually done by westerners)
is precisely the opposite of the art-form...
how can a haiku be written without a year-long
restraint, and when finally the pressure is too much:
you get ''so little''?
well sure, i can write a haiku any moment
i can... but i'd have to have a gnat's worth of
consciousness to write one without having meditated for
a year...
we europeans can at least write
absurd excerpts from our rigid lives...
and houellebecq does that -
we live in these snappy narcissistic observations taken
from the world we have so made systematic -
and i guess reason is a big tender dog -
given that unreason is a ******* chiwawa that
constantly keeps barking... or any other small dog
for that matter... well: once again -
who told these people who review poetry books that
poetry is an Ikea manual?
lack of imagination, i'd say...
and i'll say that about any other liar out there who
can say that visualising poems is easy -
modern art can be seen as pretentious ******* -
but then what can you verbalise about it is the whole trick...
just asking, because i was thinking about when
that famous school of fine art in Florence is going to
reopen, and why no one bothered to remember the techniques
using oil on canvas...
evidently something is up in the zeitgeist -
i'm guessing we'll not see a **** study by edward calvet
any time soon... and it'll remain so, for quiete some time -
something is being revised - i'd call all modern art
by the movement: revisionism -
well: the dark ages were revising something -
everything's crude once more...
as came with the over-exposure to our
******... and did i say there's something wrong with that?
but evidently seeing too much fucky-fucky
has created jelly in the eyes of artists who have to
go back to basics... it's like artists are looking for words...
they want to return to a dialogue of the reneissance...
or at least it sounds like that... oh no, not from them:
from the people that have a critical eye on the matter:
the intellectuals... i see it as a hope for coming back to
dialogue... if you can't return to a dialogue over
a very simple modern canvas... there's no point
talking about the greater intricacies...
that leave you speechless -
i mean: what's the point of talking about a mona lisa
when you can enjoy a joke asking whether
the devil didn't have his hand up her skirt?
or the ecstasy of st. theresa... what's there to talk about?
i look at that statue and just want to get a hard-on...
but first i guess i have to rediscover a dialogue
with what the current times prescribe me...
and these really are works of prescription... there's no
point look into pharmacology's list of prescriptions...
as going about saying it's all a load of *******,
leads to the first step toward modern alienation...
if darwinism can be a humanism, a study of
the human... i can only give it a motto:
there's a reason behind everything... there's a reason
snakes don't have eyelids...
or that giraffes look funny...
or that camels are the most vile mammals
to walk this earth...
personally i
