Its the feeling you get when your mind is a war zone, a warped home where grimmy thoughts roam, with no guidance or support zone, your so frightened to fight it on your own. More poems of suicide and self harm, you ever dreamt you died and felt calm? Just a truant mind with health crimes, help cant cure a ruined life in Hell's palms. You fell in to a ditch and because of it popping bottles of pills that you mixing your ***** with, then nodding off a bit picturing god and all of it, a doctors on the phone telling you to ***** it. Consistently monitored, the alcohol, the quiting , the six, seven seizures, its the moment a schizophrenic freezes, hearing a voice that whispers when it pleases, the vigilant bulimic, the obsessive and compulsive,the bipolar mood swing and stomach ulcers. Its the hidden issues that the medicine alters. Its the judgmental that the depression repulses ,the anxiety, the psychs with the notes, the post traumatic stress and the vices to cope. The prices of dope,the ice in the pipe that you smoke. The knife the rope, the temptation of slicing your throat. Its the stigma determined to scare you, when the bourbon your served is your urgent repairer. When not feeling nervous becomes rarer and your mom quits  her job to become your permanent carer. Its the psychotic episodes, the days that you lost seeking help, but being crazy isn't something I am ashamed to admit, so stay strong anybody who relates to this, please.

January 28th:
I don't eat the Doctor's candy anymore cause mama Earth's candy tastes better,
I'm not wasting my time being suicidal, I'm going to die someday anyways.
Everyday is a different trip. Life is just a drug.
January 29th:
FAIL.
January 30th:
Detox day one.
January 31st:
Day two went really well.

The feeling of quiting:

Is kind of like an internal bomb,
detonating & destroying
everything in its path.
&
When the fire finally dies and your covered in ash.
All you can do is wait for the rain to wash away the past & rebuild.
Congratulations, you've reached a good state of mind.

Welcome to Mania. I hope you enjoy your stay.

I want to quit.  
I don't feel like telling them
every thing that goes through my mind.
I never did.
I hided things.
I always hide stuff.
But I don't know when my therapy will end
and that scares me.
Quiting it sounds good right now..

The lack of your essence gives me the shakes,
I lose the strive to survive,
Quiting begins to sound like a gift,
I need you near
To keep me from collapsing,
Your my best friend
But your also part of the problem,
But still I need you,
You hug me,
Take away the pain,
Wipe away the tears,
Tell me it'll be alright,
But you'd leave me if you knew,
If you knew I'm in love with you,
And in this moment I am a puzzle
With a million missing pieces,
And while your near I feel a little less incomplete,
I need you
Now
And Forever

If only that could be.

A lot of **** has been on my mind.
Aside from how much I hate Christmas
I'm focused on making money.
And detoxing
Quiting drinking
Quoting smoking
The fact that I have to end a friendship because she chooses not to respect me, my wishes and our relationship and my girlfriend.
It ***** but that's okay.
But what honestly hurts me the most
Is that, I don't think my girlfriend cares about how I feel.
Sure, last night she talked me through a lot of **** I needed to talk about.
But I feel like I can't talk to her about the way she hurts me sometimes.
She'd never hit me.
She'd never do anything that would make me completely submissive
however
If she feels like she's not in control of her choices she's
obstinate
Unwavering.
I respect it.
It just hurts sometimes.
she talks to her ex boyfriend.
It's not wrong.
Well it wouldn't be if it wasn't the same guy she left me for
The same guy she said
"Well, I just want to see if he's what I want."
And when he wasn't, at least I was still waiting.
The same guy that would lose intresf in her whenever she'd leave me for him.
I'm hurting and my self esteem is **** because of this.
He invited her to go play manhunt and I'm positive had I not been with her that night she would have Humored him at first then gone when she realized it sounded like fun.
The only reason I'm so sure
Is because she told me that she told him next time she'd be down to play.
She thinks "Alex texted me today and tried to make plans but I turned him down so I could be with you"
Or
"I only hug him up for bud"
excuses talking to him.
Man, I feel ******* worthless.
All I know is that I'm over it.
I'm over hearing his name
And knowing he talks to her and she lets it happen
because
Because
Because
Because why?
What makes hearing from him
More important than actually setting me at ease.
Does she not care?
Do I even matter?
I feel like I'm worthless these days
As shallow as it sounds
Making money is the only thing that's helping my self esteem.
I don't even like money.

Isn't it funny how you can burn down your own house from the small ember of your last cigarette. How your forgetful toss of your most uncharming habit into the untrimmed brush of your houses surrounding can ruin everything. Your careless toss of the twice puffed cigarette banished in disgust and hopes of renewal and yet your world comes brutally and disgustingly crashing down. It makes you wonder if it's ever truly worth quiting our flawed vices. perhaps our caous and addictions are more us than we think they are and without them we will burn down our entire house

Do you ever feel like your drowning?
Like no matter what you do your not resurfacing?
Your trying to scream for help but your suffocating?
Your heart is weak but its beating and all you can do is wish it starts quiting.
Your not even living anymore you're just sinking.
Nobody can even see this happening because they arent caring.
You thought you were striving but inside you are just dying.
Your mind is trapped from the constant lying.
Im okay.
I am okay.
No i am not okay!
I am alone!
I am scared!
I AM DROWNING! SOMEONE PLEASE SAVE ME!
...
...
...
Its okay i understand your busy...
-Been

I think that I'm  submitting.
That maybe? I am quiting.
That I am tired of the taunting
That this is just so daunting
Maybe I am unhinged?
That I finally flinched.
Sleep is what I dread.
No longer comfortable
in my head.

Here we go again,
tears are falling like rain.
Life is now being insane,
and every part of my heart feels every pain.

Dying isn't my goal,
but now I'm thinking if I should fall.
Life is so unfair,
I'm now quiting in every dare.

I can do anything,
but don't push me with everything,
I'm not a toy nor a thing,
I'm alive and I can feel any pain like a human being.

I can fall easily,
I can quit,
I can **** myself,
if that's what you want me to do.

I can hang myself,
I can stab my heart,
I can easily drink a poison,
or even drowned myself in a tub.

I can begged for my life,
I can surrender my own life,
I can trash my effing life,
I can do every wrong if that's what you want.

Can't you see?
I can't think straight,
I can't fight,
I can't even stand.

I'm quitting,
You can now live happily,
you don't have to worry about me,
I'm happy to know that you are happy seing me dying.

I quit!

Joy jostled just jitters
Kidding, kindness kindled
Lots, lowered lifted, leaving life, leaving love
Missing mindful mana, making mindbreak messes
Nothing nestles, nothing nests, Nothing needs no nowhere
Only owning our own oars, oaring on
People pawn past pieces
Quit quiting, queerly quizing
Row, Row roundly rays round
Softly shade. Sowing softness, sounds slick, so supple
Take timid, take trouble.

He was given a rod excited to go fishing. So many styles depending on the water and type of fish. Such a pricy hobby, but he's loving it. They encouraged him it was motivating and inspiring.
Get out there, and do it that's how you learn get to the next level. Talking about quiting becoming a pro. Inspired by a dream not many pursue it. Keep on writing, keep on fighting to catch the prize lots of seeing it thinking about it.

Out in the balcony
Under the moonlight
The fine breeze slapping my face
Nights are breathtakingly wonderful
A rest from the noises of the day
Time to recount and review
Sit honestly with oneself and dive into solitude
One's often tempted to strike a monologue
Tonight that person is me, my beautiful self.

My mind is at peace
Now that I called mum on the phone
Earlier today , she said she was fine
Save for the fact that she misses me so much

My twin sis called before lunch that day
She wanted to brag about her large pizza
The kind I couldn't get that time
It was from her boyfriend
She was kinda emotional though
It did hit her that she hasn't seen me for a year now

My lil bro reminded me of our agreement
I'd bring him a bike after school
He'd constantly been the best in class
His zeal was pure
He was truly my brother

Precious, my best friend , my love
Said something to me the day before
About our relationship, about our association
She was so much convinced
We were meant for each other
She took her time to explain to me
How she's ready to sacrifice everything for us
It was the best part of my day that day
It is even so fresh in my mind
As if she is to say it again, tomorrow

I'm happy with my life's progress
I've done so much in a short span
I should actually celebrate
I should be grateful
I should ask myself to continue
Endlessly without quiting.


-jayword